Right or Wrong?

I think you absolutely did the right thing. If you want to give him a present to show him that you appreciate him, you might try something that he can use with his FAMILY to show that you cherish all the relationships?? Just a thought.

You did the very right thing... That gift was the type of gift you give to a girlfriend not just a co worker you lunch with... a more appropriate gift would be a gift card or something under 15-20 bucks not a diamond necklace... If my husband gave any one other than me a necklace he would have mad woman on his hands :o) (my husband and I are best friends and have been married for 13 years and believe in not doing anything that could even be percieved as inappropriate)

But I think you did the right thing and really you dont owe him a gift but if you get him something make it practical keep it under 15-20$$ and it would be best if it was something he could use with his wife or girlfriend like a gift for the 2 of them that would send the best message that you are his friend only and you honor his relationship with his lady.

HTH
A. J

I think you did the right thing by giving it back. Maybe you should explain to him a little more about why you can't accept such an extravagant gift from a coworker/friend. I don't think you should get him a gift.

Since you asked for input:
"Happily married (most of the time)" is an interesting phrase you include, something that reveals another aspect to your question. If you value this male friend as a sounding board, sharing occasional frustrations about those times when you are not so "happily married", he may detect vulnerability in your marriage; he may subconsciously, or even knowledgably, be feeding into that perceived schism with this inappropriate gift. (I personally would want to know if his partner/wife knew about/approved this gift, if it was from 'both of them'. Given how you felt about it, probably not.)
And if there were also vulnerability in his own relationship, despite all his apparent 'wonderfulness', he may be attracted to you, or maybe to drama and adrenalin that an emotional 'mess' would provide. Either way, this could add fragility and stress in your own marriage. Your instinct to give the gift back was a good one. But past that, look more deeply into what you get from this friendship.
Questions to ponder:
Does your husband know about the gift, as in, are you open enough with one another that you were free to share that with him? How did he feel about it?
If you didn't tell him, would he be jealous if he knew about it? Will your not telling him introduce a dead spot, something you two can't talk about? A secret you now have from him?
Would it be difficult for him knowing you were continuing to spend time with this other person?
Why not put the energy that you have been giving this 'friendship' into improving your own marriage, seeking from your husband what is lacking in the marriage, rather than looking outside the relationship for those things, maybe even with counseling, or a frank, fearless discussion of deeper needs with him?
You must decide how important the marriage is, ...and if it is truly significant, make it the highest priority. Do nothing to put that in jeopardy. This guy may be a predator or homewrecker in the guise of a 'friend'. Look very carefully at the signs, as you may have ignored some important clues.
There is a child involved who would be severely hurt by the consequences of your choices, and it looks like you could be playing with fire.

I absolutely thing you did the right thing here! The only thing I would say is that while I understand it may be difficult, really, I find that even having lunch with him frequently is inappropriate. I realize that I live by some pretty high moral standards, and that others may not see things the same way I do, but clearly, there has been room for misinterpretation somehow. The gift was beyond inappropriate, but he must have felt comfortable giving it to you, meaning, that while unintention, he has gotten some kind of signal. It is wise to back off of this friendship some, and not telling your husband would be equally wrong! There is only room for one man in your life, and he needs to know you are honest with him at all times, and that you have handled the situation. Sorry if I seem "prudish", but I think it is time to end this "friendship" and stick to co workers only! ~A.~

I dont even know why you would post this question since you obviosly know how wrong this gift from your "friend" was when you returned it to him. If you value your husbands trust and feelings you should cut all ties to this man before its too late.

Think about this as in "if the shoe was on the other foot" scenario.

You did the right thing by returning the gift. What would you think if your husband gave another woman jewelry?? I'd flip! :-)

Your friend - by being hurt about the returned gift - shows that he wanted to move to the next level and is hurt (ego?) because you don't want to, not because you don't want to be his friend. He is not interested in being friends.

You did the right thing. He wants to be more than friends. Don't buy him a gift or feel bad about returning his inappropriate gift. Do not continue to be friends with him if you care about your own marriage.

What you just described is an Emotional Affair. Even if spouses are invited. You would be devastated to know your husband was frequently having lunch and laughing with anouther woman< cause for us girls it isn't all about the sex only, it is about the relationship. He needs to give a gift that nice to his spouse. You just started to save your own marriage. In general you are to never talk about personal things with the opposite sex and eat lunch with out others present and even then not frequently like once every couple of months. You are on a very Slippery slope. NO one says I think I'll just have an affair today no it is much more complicated. God Bless you now you need to end the relationship and work on improving the one with your husband.

I didn't get to read all of the other responses, but the ones that I skimmed seemed to echo what I think. You were right to return the gift, and it was inappropriate. I'm going to go a step further and say that you NEED to tell your husband that this happened. You need to be completely honest with your husband about the situation, and if he asks that you not meet with this friend anymore, you should honor his wishes. This is the kind of friendship that leads to more; I've seen it happen. I don't doubt that you love and cherish your husband, but part of honoring the vow of fidelity to him is not putting yourself in situations where that fidelity might be tested.

It was definately inappropriate, and while you think you may be "friends" you better watch out. A man who is trying to woo you with extravagant gifts and too much attention is trying to get you away from your commitment to your husband, and is not your friend, he's testing the water to see what kind of response he will get from you without drectly coming out and saying "do you want to have an affair?"
I highly suggest backing off with so much time together. Really, would you want your husband having this close of a relationship with a woman and not be questioning the integrity of the relationship? What would you think if your husband had given a woman a present like this? What would your friend's wife/girlfriend think? Does she even know he bought you a present. I seriously doubt it.

Please understand, if he is really your friend he would not want to put you in any sort of situation that would make you, or your husband, or his wife uncomfortable.

P.S. I asked my hubby about this and says it is very unlikely that this man is oblivous to what he is doing.

I think you did the right thing. Is he married or in a relationship? I say give a gift from you and your husband to him and his significant other. I also think you should let your husband know. Including your response. Let him know that you value your frienship, feel bad and ask him what would make him feel comfortable. (It might be stop talking to the guy- but he should come first and that's honesty for you).

you did the right thing. Just talk to him. From an outsiders point of view, which you have to consider, this is way to elaborate of a gift to come from anyone other than your husband. I hope he understands. If you 2 are that close, you should be able to mend, just remeber that he will probably be hurting a little, maybe a little rejected, but you did the right thing!

T.,
You've gotten a lot of advice and mine is probably just more of the same, but here's my 2 cents -

I was married to my first husband (who I met/began dating when I was 18), and we were not a good match for one another. Things were deteriorating rapidly in year 7... anyhow, I had a gay co-worker who was such a great friend. My husband HATED that we were friends. Nothing could have ever happened between my friend and I (he was very, very gay). Yet, my husband felt that the friendship we had jeopardized our marriage. He even "forbid" me from spending time with the guy. In the end, yes the friendship did jeopardize the marriage, because I finally took notice of how screwed up our marriage was!! That friendship has since dwindled, but shortly thereafter my husband and I divorced.

I am remarried now (to my very best friend in the whole world, someone who was also a co-worker - now we own our own company). And, no friendship, male or female, could come between us. We tell each other everything and have had several (hilarious) instances where women have come on to my husband (who is very handsome and speaks in seminars, etc...). He has promptly told me and made it clear that he isn't interested and eliminates the contact with the women.

Bottom line, you did the right thing for your marriage. Outside influences are a big eye-opener to re-examine your most intimate relationship.

Does his spouse know that he bought that for you? I'm not too sure that I would return the favor of purchasing a gift for him. Jewelry is usually considered an intimate gift given by someone that holds more than just "friendship" feelings for you. I think you should leave things where they stand & just remind him that you are "friends" and nothing more. Happy Holidays & good luck!!

T.: I am usually one for just saying thank you for any gift, and leaving it at that. This is just one major exception. This gift clearly comes with inappropriate meaning. I'm sorry - your friend is trying to be more than a friend to you. You did the right thing. I know you are worried about your returning the gift hurting the friendship, but actually this is a good thing. This can put him in his place while preserving the friendship. If you had waited until he made a pass at you, your rejection would have certainly ruined the friendship.

YOu did the right thing even if it did hurt his feelings. Your relationship with your husband is far #1. And really, even if you weren't married, if he was not a romantic interest, that necklace would be a weird gesture. Good luck!

You said significant others and not spouses so I gather this guy is single..Since you enjoy his company - I'm sure he thought he had a chance with you...that possible you were interested in him and that was his way of showing you his feelings. You did the right thing. And I would do like everyone else said..distance. For the sake of both of you. I don't think a gift is necessary either....Unless it's something for both him and his girlfriend.

In my personal opinion, any kind of jewelry gift like that definitely means more than friendship. The only times I have ever gotten jewelry gifts from a guy friend were when I found out later that they wanted more than friendship. That's just not something that guys think of doing for 'just friends'. I think you're right in saying your husband would find it weird to wear jewelry like that given by a straight, male friend. I think you were totally right to say that you couldn't accept it. Honestly, if it makes you feel weird, then it probably IS weird...I'm sorry to hear that it hurt his feelings, but it's probably best that you make your feelings clear now before he tries to be inappropriate again in the future.

Why do guys always have to make perfectly good friendships so awkward :) ?

Merry Christmas!

You got a lot of responses and i dind't get to read them all but it looks like most agree with me---the gift was very inappropriate for the relationship AND you were right to give it back. You should tell your husband about it, explain that you thought y'all are just friends, even going out with spouses etc so you dn't know what the guy was thinking--ask his advice on it too....explain you gave the gift back. now, if you want to talk to the other guy...well, i bet you find out he has feelings for you OR he will blow it off like he just thought of you when he saw it or somethin but really he DOES like you- just saving face. be careful. I don't think there is a logical, intelligent person in the world that wouldn't know that's an inappropriate gift for a collegue/co-worker, friends or not. LOL unless you found out he owns part of a jewelry store and gave EVERYONE beautiful jewelry! LOL

Don't worry that you hurt his feeligns. you have the right to tell him it's not appropriate and that you worry about his intentions bc they are NOT the same as yours. that doesn't mean you don't want to be friends but perhaps you gave him the wrong idea. stinks but its probably the case. dno't get him a gift unless it's impersonal. why are you worreid about getting him a gift to show you "cherish" him? get him a gift certificate to a movie or something for heaven's sake...that's the sort of thing most FRIENDS would do....why do you have to show you cherish him? just make sure you really DON'T have other intentions to him...sounds like you odn't but really- i don't know. good luck.

wow, that's TOUGH :( i would be VERY uncomfortable telling my husband that a "friend" got me a beautiful peice of real jewelry, that just sends up all the wrong signals, even when they truly are not there. all you can do is be honest with your friend, i hope it all goes back to how it was.

Who is more important, your husband or your friend? If you feel that it was inappropriate then talk to your husband about it. A missunderstanding between friends is much easier to mend than a missunderstanding between husband and wife because that kind of missunderstanding can lead to divorce.

I think you did the right thing. I had to do this about 5 years ago, I was given a diamond necklace and I was in shock that he would have thought it was an appropriate gift.

Unlike you, I did not work with him nor did I care to salvage the friendship to the extent of buying him something in return.

Maybe since you enjoy lunch together you could get a gift card to your favorite place or two with a card that says something along the lines that the next few lunches together are on me, thanks for being such a great friend!

GL with whatever you decide.

You are a truly smart woman. You absolutely did the right thing. I can tell you have tremendous respect for your husband and your relationship. You may want to get him a nice bottle wine for both he and his wife with a very nice note about your friendship. I think you said he had a significant other. I am sure that he was just trying to be kind like you said. Also, he probably is not hurt; however, may be a bit embarrassed.

I wouldn't mention it to my husband if I wanted to remain friends with my 'guy' friend.

I would say run! Easier said than done! Get as far away as you can, unless you want him in a different way. I would tell my husband and let him know that you no longer speak to this man. A gift that is this extravagant means that he wants more than he has with you. It will never be the same because he wants more. This will only ruin your relationship with your husband. I don't think it's worth it if you love your husband. Good luck!

Dear T.,

You definitely did the right thing. You should always put your marriage before outside friendships.

There are lots of appropriate gifts you could give your friend. Depending on the dress code at your office, a nice sweater or tie would be OK. There are lots of other things that would be appropriate as well. Those are just the first that came to my mind, especially since he gave you something personal.

Merry Christmas!

Deb D

Your marriage is infinitely more important than this friendship. You did the right thing. I believe you also should talk to your husband about the gift you were given. Would you want to know if it was him in a similar situation? Do you think he would want to hang out with this couple knowing what you do?

You absuloutely did the right thing and I hope you can still be friends with him---and his wife---along with your hubby. You are both adults and hopefully he can let it go--his hurt feelings--and continue an innocent freindship. I am wondering what his wife would think about the neclace (I assume she knows nothing about it). I agree with the post before me that mentioned fudge--or any other Christmas Candy would be a great gift. I would however make it from you AND your hubby to him AND his wife.--Just to keep the gift-giving that he seems to have started innocent and out in the open. :) Happy Holidays!!--C.

WRONG!! Now, you know that if your husband received an inappropriate gift from another woman that is not a family member, you would question the intention. If the man is just wanting to be your "friend", he wouldn't have given you a gift like that. Your spouse's feelings should come before this guys! I think you knew that the gift was wrong for him to give to you, that's why you gave it back. If I were you, I would ask the "friend", "What made you give me such an expensive gift?" If he gives an answer that he interested in a more than friends relationship, you need to cut that off. Simple.

Good for you!!! If it hurts his feelings and impedes the friendship, so be it. If you tried to explain it and he doesn't get it then it is his problem. It doesn't sound like you ever indicated that you did NOT appreciate the generous and kind effort on his part. Expensive jewelry is VERY personal. And...the most important thing in the world is protecting your relationship with your husband. As far as a gift for him...you need to stay away from anything too personal. That would just revive the issue. I would make it from both of you.

you def. did the right thing-- giving the gift back
think about the shoe on the other foot and "what-if" your hubby gave his "co-worker/lady friend" a blue topaz/diamond necklace...
If you hurt his feeling so be it-- what about his wife's feelings and your hubby's feelings???
I think the only real friendship you should "CHERISH" is between your husband and yourself-- re: a gift... just a simple gift may be ok-- like a "family gift" for your co-worker and his wife-- maybe gift card for dinner for them or maybe a gift card for 4 to someplace that you 4 could go???

While his intentions right now may have been innocent, I think you did the right thing. Whether he realizes it was innapropriate right now or not, your marraige is top priority. I think after talking with your husband, then he can help you with whether a gift/talking/etc is necessary. Hope this all can be worked out for you.

T.,

You definitely did the right thing. It is better to harm your friendship than your marriage. It sounds like he wishes your friendship could be more. If this is not true, than he will understand how you could not accept the gift and it will not affect your friendship. I'm afraid I don't have a suggestion for a gift for him. If you do choose a gift, it should come from both you and your husband.

Good luck. It can be a slippery slope having such a close friendship with the opposite sex. Keep alert as you have to date.

You did the right thing. You should be able to tell your husband about it. Your relationship should be open and honest and your husband should appreciate the fact that you felt the gift was inappropriate and returned it. Let him know he is the only man in your life and the friend had no reason to think otherwise. Don't worry about a return gift, sounds like he already has the wrong idea or has no clue about gift giving. A coffee mug is an office gift, or cookies. Not diamond jewelry. Unless he is extremely wealthy and diamonds are like candy to him, then the gift was way too extravagant. I'm sure you explained why you returned it and he should understand. If he doesn't, then he isn't that good of a friend.

Girl! What else can you think of such a gift! Gosh! I bet your husband would gain alot of "points" if he gave you one... i truly think you did the right thing by giving the gift ack. accepting it would just mean you are BOTH on the same page and send him very wrong signals to advance in other ways. I don't think you should give him a gift. And I would definitively start setting boundaries in your relationship with him, I mean, who is more important? your husband or him? I am not saying stop being friends with him, but just set boundaries that clearly state that the only thing going on between you two is a work-friendship.
dont be wrorried about having hurt his feelings, he should be worried about having crossed a line with you. Dont ever think that such a gift was meant only to be nice to you.

On the other hand, I would talk about this with my husband. You do what you think is best, but I find that in a marriage we are each other's keeper. he might be upset about the situation, but think about it, he will know and you will be protected in many many ways by him knowing.

anyway, good for you! God bless you.

You were right to return the gift. It was very inappropriate. He should be giving that kind of gift to his wife not someone else's wife! If you haven't exchanged gifts in the past I would not buy him a gift at all and just give this some space to let things cool down. If he is feeling "more", then any thing you give him, he will read something into. Does that make sense? Good Luck!

I did not have time to read all the responses below but from skimming it seems they are all hitting the nail on the head. This guy wants more then a friendship. Although I believe men and woman CAN be "just" friends, I believe it is a rare thing when it is not rooted by one parties interest beyond friendship.

My opinion is that you need not worry about getting him a gift at all. By continuing the friendship, you are playing with fire and encouraging him. Once he made it clear that he is simply biding his time waiting for more then your friendship, I don't see what there is to "cherish" about a relationship like that any longer.

I am fine with my husband having female friends, and he does. But if he believed or suspected one of them desired a relationship beyond friendship with him and he continued the friendship in spite of it, I would be extremely upset.

Does your husband know about the necklace? And does he know you suspect this man might have more interest in you? If he does know, what does he think?

I give food - fudge is always a hit. You can make different kinds to make it more luxurious.

I'd also be straight up with him - you treasure his friendship, and the necklace was absolutely gorgeous, he truly nailed your taste - but you have this thing about accepting jewelry only from your dad or your husband; and you hope he doesn't think you're a freak or anything.. KWIM.

S.

Your "friend" just sent you a message that he thinks more of this friendship than friendship. Do not risk your marriage over this. Give your friend some distance to think about the true implications.

You are 1 million percent right to return this gift.

Hi, you did the right thing. This is a very sexist comment-but in my experience, men having a harder time being 'just' friends with women. It starts out innocently enough but usually inevitably turns in a direction you may not initially intend.

You did the right thing. And I'm sure he is a great guy but he either has no boundaries or he wants something more than friendship. It was a totally inappropriate gift and your husband would be rightfully annoyed by it. I am a big fan of guy friends but you can't even go to the jewelry or perfume place with a married woman and any guy with half a brain knows it. Don't try to figure out the "appropriate" gift. Get him a friendly card, and show a little distance. Your friendship will be fine (or not), but you owe it to your husband to show some loyalty to him in this situation. Your "funny and kind hearted" husband deserves for you to show strong boundaries it your friend cannot. And your friend is not a very good friend to put you in this uncomfortable position.

Good Luck.

I say that your first priority is to your spouse. So while you may have hurt your friend's feelings, your hubby's are more important.

It was right to give it back - did you ask him why he gave you that type of gift? Did you give the gift back BEFORE you showed it to your husband? If you explain to your 'guy' friend that that was a very beautiful gift, but you felt it was very personal and you couldn't accept it. I mean, if you're going to keep it and wear only to be asked by your husband where you got it, hang out with his wife and she admires your necklace and asks where you got it? Does the dishonesty begin, or are you going to be honest and say it was from your husband, oops. Now your husband is looking at you sideways and get ready for the wrath of the wife. My question is what did he give his wife if he gave that to you?
If you guys are still friends next year, maybe you and your significant others can have a gift exchange and open the presents IN FRONT of each other. I will have to wonder if your 'guy' friend chose your name if he would have given you the same type of present, or just a gift card from WalMart?
just thoughts...

you did the correct thing. since you know his "significant" other, you can provide them with a gift certificate to the movies or a meal.

I agree that you did the right thing to give it back. Just explain why, and he should understand. This might put a strain on your friendship, but if it's a good friendship and he didn't mean anything by it, then it will probably mend itself soon.

Since you returned the gift because you felt it was inappropriate and something your husband wouldn't appreciate, you definitely did the right thing. Only you know how your husband would react in this type of situation, and while your friendship with this man is one you cherish, your relationship with your husband is far more important and should be your priority at all times.

If you explained to your friend why you returned the gift and felt it was too extravagant, he should understand and not be hurt by your refusal. If he does seem hurt, it's probably safe to say the gift meant more than just friendship to him and it's probably best that your relationship with him cools down anyway.

When I was in my very early 20s, I worked in an office with all men. It was very casual and the bosses were very much father figures and my co-workers were mostly "brotherly" towards me. One Valentine's day, I left a bag of cookies with a little Valentine card (like the ones the kids give out at school) on everyone's desk in my office. One of the guys ran into my office when he got in that morning and handed back the bag of cookies and ran out. I was bewildered and then I saw his girlfriend walking through the building. I realized he didn't want her to get the wrong idea by seeing the Valentine card. I personally think he overreacted 'cause it was very innocent and I gave them to everyone, not just him, but every relationship is different and he obviously thought she would be upset. It didn't hurt my feelings at all and when she left, he came back in to my office and got the cookies.

I know cookies do not compare to an expensive piece of jewelry, but my point is that if you think your husband would be upset, you absolutely did the right thing by returning it. If your friend gave you the gift without any underlying intentions, he should not be upset and your friendship should not suffer.

I'm sure you are way past even reading responses by now, but I just had to add mine. I'm totally confused on why you care what the guy thinks, and why you don't value your relationship with your husband enough to think of him first. I think you might need to think about where you are emotionally and that you might be enjoying this mans attention. I'm not saying that it's not natural for us to like the attention, but you could lose your trust with your husband if he suspects anything. I would have gone STRAIGHT TO MY HUSBAND first. No matter what. I would never hide anything from him, especially something as significant as this. The man is definitely trying to win you over. There is nothing to "cherish" about a man that is totally crossing the line. I would end the friendship altogether and keep it business only. I would certainly never go to lunch with him again. I have seen this go on in offices and seen people divorce for this very situation. It's very sad and his friendship isn't worth it. Ask God for guidance and he will listen. Hope you have it all worked out by now. God Bless!

The relationship with your husband is far more important than the one with the friend, and I can't see that he could take the gift any other way than inappropriate. You did the right thing by giving it back. I think the guy may have a crush on you, and if not or either way it is best to give the gift back and say what you did before it gets interpeted as more than a friendship. There are gifts out there that say I cherish your friendship, get him one of those.

T., you did the right thing. And remember you can't control his feelings. If he feels hurt or slighted, you can kindly explain why you returned the necklace but you can't make him understand. I know it's tough, but bottom line: whose happiness are you more concerned about? your huband's or your friend's? Sounds like you already know the answer.

You were right.

The only gift I share with a male friend is a book. We give each other books for our birthdays... same type of gift, same price range, no strings or implications attached. Our spouses would never be threatened. Jewelry is what your husband gives you, or a parent. Not a guy friend.

weigh your priorities. whose feelings are more important to NOT hurt considering the actions you take? that should help with your answer.

good luck w/ baby no. 2.