Confused Hubby

Sometimes, we encounter that...I think it's an alpha male thing ;) they know he's the big tough guy and a little intimidated. When he's in trouble, he knows Daddy will hammer down and have an undesirable consequence. Where as I, talk to him more...both techniques work, but mine is not as "scary"! We both cuddle him, but I'm first on his list everyday.

Hi V S:
You received some good responses. I thought SH offered some excellent views and advice.J. M

I would talk to your son, privately and see why he feels that way about your Husband.

Next, you have been working for 1 year already... so any morning "routine" should be routine already. Your son knows that.

Maybe its normal developmental stuff, and maybe its not.

For me, ONCE in a while, my daughter would say that... but it was ONLY when she had been scolded about something. And then she would explain to me why she didn't want to "see" Daddy.
Then we all talked about it, Daddy included. And then it was fine.

Or maybe your son misses you, and rather be with you. Kids do have "preferences" sometimes, and at certain ages.

Or, do you know what your son's day is like, at home with Daddy? Maybe you should find out.
What do they do? Does your son get enough attention? Or is he scolded all the time? Or is he left to play by himself more often than not? Or, is your husband different with your son, when you are not home? Does your son and his Dad basically get along well and "bond" well??? Or not? He is after all 3.5 years old... and BY NOW he should be "warmed up" to Daddy.

Or, maybe your son knows that once he goes to see Daddy in the morning, that it means you have to get ready for work... and he doesn't want to see you leave.

Its hard to figure out... unless maybe you see what your son says himself. But at this age, depending on their communication level, he may or may not be super articulate about it. But TEACH him, that he CAN express himself openly, without 'fear' of anything. Boys NEED to learn HOW to express themselves.... without fear of being scolded or criticized.

All the best,
Susan

Part of it is undoubtedly that it's become a habit, like any other part of the routine. Another larger part is undoubtedly that your son loves having all the focus on him, and he loves feeling that he is in control of what his parents do. If you spend less time "convincing" him, and your husband spends less time trying to get him to come, it will be less of a game for him. He'll be more willing to go to Dad if he sees that going to Dad is the only way he'll get attention.

V S,

I think this is normal, my son has this problem some mornings (he's currently 4 1/2) and we find that when he gets enough sleep (goes to bed about 8 or 9pm) then he wakes up on his own and is nice with everyone.

But when he doesn't want to go to bed early enough to get enough sleep. Usually his response to dad is, STOP, leave me alone and next second very sweet to mommy....

Interesting right>......

My husband unlike yours does more rough play with my son during the afternoons which they both enjoy... I do tell him be softer with him, b/c my son then tries it with me and mommy puts a stop to the rough play.

I think it's just normal with depending on the mood they woke up with and what happened over night on how they slept.

Good luck b/c he'll grow out of it.

my son is doing much better now then when he was only 2 1/2 through 4.

Daddy hasn't been around like you have been. He has to learn to spend time with him. You have been the one to take care of his every need.... and he's used to that. Now it's not the case. Give it some time and he will, I'm sure. My son didn't have his father in his life for the first 6 months and then he worked long hours even after that and wouldn't see him during the week. So it took my son some time to be trusting with Daddy.. yet Daddy was his first word! grrrr!!! lol

My son is 19 months and just started warming up to daddy. Just like you, I was my little boy's constant. Bathed him, put to sleep, comfort through the night and cuddle in the morning. He would freak out and scream when it was time to go to daddy. I felt so badly for them both. I soon realized that my husband wasn't "close" enough to our son. We had a talk about it and I backed off a bit and let my boys bond as they should. My husband never realized how much he was missing until he really started participating in his day to day. My husband works nights and I work during the day part time as well as to avoid day care. This time with dad has been incredible for them both. All it took was for daddy to realize that this was his amazing child, his little boy growing so fast and learning so much and he was missing it. He now has a very close bond with his dad and it's no longer an ordeal when it's daddy time. Hope this helps. Good Luck. I understand the concern. It's hard to be the only comfort to your child.

Hi, i know this is hard to see him almost reject dad. My daughter who is 3 does the same thing. I have found though that when my hubby spends a lot of time with her she wants him more. i will take her on a "date" all day. They go to the park then out to lunch, it seems to help a lot. It seems like your hubby is a hard worker and works a lot but if he can squeeze a daddy/son day with him it may make things better for your son. It sounds like you have a good man! Make that 2 good men :)

This is pretty normal behavior for a 3 year old. Kids sometimes go through phases where they "prefer" one parent over the other then change it around and "prefer" the other. Is your son fine with you husband as soon as you leave? He probably is. My son loves to make me feel guilty for going to work and usually calls me first for a problem but once I'm out of sight he's fine with whoever is watching him.

Sometimes the parent that is not the "preferred" one feels bad when their kid is acting this way. You husband just has to realize that it's a phase that will change.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

My son (5) is very clinging to certain people. I currently live with my parents while my husband is away (army). Because he grew up with my mom and I being the main care givers we are the ones he almost always asks for. I know this hurts my husband that our son ranks him as third in his life. My husband and I have very different parenting styles and since my son is mainly around me, it is the parenting style he is used to dealing with. This may be the case with your son. He hasn't spent much time with daddy and needs to get to know him better. You may want to try talking to him, but remember he is only three so his answers may not make a 100% sense to you.

Good luck

This happens all the time in our house, except our 3-year-old prefers my husband to me. He will often pitch a HUGE fit if he has to have me instead. He also acts as if he has to "warm up" before being with me.

With our older son it was the opposite, he always preferred me to daddy. As our older son got older, that changed. Now it's about 50/50. I think it's very normal for a child to prefer one parent.

You are not alone. My daughter(3 yrs old) treats my husband like a stranger. It takes her a while to warm up to him. My friend's daughter does the same thing to her husband and has just now become to bond with her Daddy (She is almost 4). I have no idea why she behaves like this but it really makes my husband sad. I know it wont last forever and my husband just tries to deal with it. Good luck!

Hello VS,

It's very normal! My daughter was like that to the daddy. She always pickes mommy over daddy. I think your boy just wants to have more time with you. Let your hubby spend more quality time with him and I'm sure you kid will change his attitude. Good luck!

My son did something similar for quite a while. He never wanted to go to my husband and often told him to go away. My husband got upset about it, but I just kept telling my son that Daddy needs hugs too. When my husband was at work I would remind my son how great Daddy is and when I tucked my son in at night I told him that "Mommy and Daddy love you" rather than just "I love you". After a while, my son grew out of the phase and just loves his dad again. It is a phase and will pass in time.

What a wonderful and loving way to start your day! My son is also a cuddler, and for a long time really didn't want to cuddle with Daddy. It sounds like you are up first? Is your husband still in bed? (You said he works nights). How about a family cuddle? The three /four of you could have a group hug or something like that. So instead of saying lets find daddy, you can say, let's do a family cuddle. Then you can peel off.

My daughter was very similar to your son probably till school started....and my husband was very hurt. But now its barely a memory that she did that....all is good now.

Are there any mornings that you and your husband are both home? Maybe if you joined in with the cuddle (you, your son and your husband) that might help your son warm up to daddy on the mornings you have to go to work. Or your husband can make a daddy and son ONLY kind of morning, one that can not be compared to mommy and son mornings. I parent different them by husband, (three kids later...) and there are things that daddy does that mommy doesnt and the kids KNOW this. So depending on thier needs they decide which parent is best to go to. Maybe if you husband makes a special routine then your son will learn that this is daddys way and not mommys way. Your son might feel like daddy is taking something away that was for him and YOU ~ your son might resent that. 3 1/2 is a strong willed age, and they have certian ideas of how things work, why they work and who makes them work, so it might help just to switch the morning routine so that there is a mommy and son, a daddy and son, a everybody sort of thing going on. All just suggestion since I have not dealt with this with my own kids, but my two sons have always had seperation issues with mommy only, I found that sweet and FAST is the only way to get going and I daddy thing (or daycare thing) that is ONLY for that purpose works best. Good luck!

I found Michelle E's response ironic -- saying that you have spoiled your child rotten because you cuddle him in the morning... since in her self-description she says her favorite thing in the world is snuggling her children. May all our children be so spoiled!

I don't think this is a problem. When my daughter wakes up in the morning, it takes her a long time to be really awake. She only wants Mama when there is anything that has to do with sleep or waking. That is just the way it is & her father, fortunately, seems to get and respect this as part of her developmental stage and her special bond with Mama. She adores him all day, so there is no lack of hugs and kisses from her once she is really awake.

It sounds like your son associates seeing Daddy on the days you work with losing you.

If there is any way to make your routine a little sillier, and lighter on those days, I think that would be best. Talk about the special trip to the park to see the dogs and kids... or whatever they plan to do that day while you are snuggling him. Then maybe instead of going to get Daddy -- you go "get" Daddy & scare or tickle him. Nothing lightens up the day like a nice game of chase.

Maybe you could invent a goodbye song for the days you work.

These are just a couple of things that come to mind. Hope it helps. Best of luck, good Mama!

Hello V S,

I assume that your husband parents differently than you do (which is normal) and that he is a wonderful father. My guess is that the way your son treats your husband in the morning is his way of showing you that he would rather have you stay at home. It may be that he also just has trouble transitioning in the morning. I know my kids have trouble getting up and going in the morning. Transitions are especially difficult if they didn't get enough sleep or they aren't feeling 100%.

Sounds like your husband needs to get way more involved, you need to let him in on "your" time with his son - I think cuddle time should be a family event. In my experience (we have 7 kids) it's always been best to make sure to include my husband as much as possible so that the bond between the kids and hubby isn't left wanting (as it sounds like your son's and hubby's relationship is). There is nothing wrong with taking a minute or two with him alone (as your husband should be encouraged to do also), but then make sure that your husband is never discluded, or that your son even gets the impression that hubby is discluded, from any time. You parents have to be on the same team, together, when it comes to love, discipline, fun time, any time. Whenever there is a seperation between you and your husband it isn't just bad for your marriage relationship but also can turn out to be very bad for your son in the long run. Moms tend to allow this "temporary" seperation as a way to cope with the extra care duties usually assigned to her. But this is where you need to put in the extra effort for your hubby and son's sake. A mother's bond is a given, your husband needs a lot more encouragement to form that bond with your son and this comes during times like "cuddle time" when you let him in and make it "ours", not "mine". And by the way, your son is only taking your "clues" so there is absolutely nothing you need to change about him, just give him different "clues".

Great question and obviously not uncommon! My 16 month old is like this, and it is really hard on a family. I am a SAHM, so i am the one that serves her all day/night long. My husband works and is tired when he comes home. Such a hard senario. I thank you for asking this question, as i would like to make changes to help correct this behavior now, so i too am not dealing with it for the next couple years! I absolutely adore all the attention gives to me, however i would love for my husband to be needed as well. I know he struggles with it, and we should not allow this. We only further thier chance of bonding the more we give into the situation. May we both find some ideas that work!

I think you need to let daddy get him in the AM. It will be hard for you. the other 2 of them need their time too. My kids are all aboit daddy, even though I am home all the time. it hurts me when he encourages their preference. hThat i what you are doing to your husband, unintentionally.

my daughter when through a no daddy stage and it was heartbreaking to me and daddy. When he would arrive home from work, she would yell at him to go BACK to work and even sometimes push him back toward the door! Within a short while she'd be fine and loving him, etc. My take on it was that him coming home signaled the start to then end of her day as once daddy was home, we would have dinner, bath and bed. It didn't matter how much I would warn her that daddy was on his way home, or even we tried having him call before leaving work...nothing seemed to help. This went on for months and months, until one day she just seemed to be over it. Then she started a phase of wanting to wait out on the porch for him to drive up so he had to call when leaving work so we could go sit on the porch. This was a MUCH happier phase as as soon as he would get out of his car she would go running to him to welcome him home.

I don't know what to suggest other than to be patient and do what you are doing, he'll be over it eventually!