My Son Cried for His Daycare Teacher as I Held Him

(((HUGS)))

Like others, I also realized the amount of time my son spent at daycare vs. with us was way more than I would like.

I always thought that he thought we were the crazy nutty family that took care of him when his daycare mommy couldn't. I spent the first 12 weeks of his life with him though and I could tell that he knew ME when I first took him to daycare. The bond he developed with them overtime was bound to happen. How could it not? It's perfectly normal. We did try to go visit him often though (like you are) and that helped me feel better.

To this day, even though my son knows who we are (mom and dad) and even though he loves us, he is a very happy boy when he's taken to daycare.

The daycare providers should show him to be happy when you come in "Look, mom is here!" so that he gets reminded by his favorite people who's who. Perhaps you should take some pictures of you and your family to daycare so he's got some reminders there.

Also... I have seen some children at daycare call the teachers "mom/mommy" but while that looks incredibly painful for the mother, I noticed that the kids called ALL adults "mom/mommy", male and female. So it's not so much that they're transferring their love to them, it's just that they think all adults who take care of them are called mom. They eventually learn that's not the case. Mom is mom and everyone else is not.

Talk about your feelings with your husband. That helped me out a lot! Get some bear hugs from him and things will feel manageable. :)

T.,
I feel your pain. I'm in school full-time and I work part time, so my daughter is in day-care a lot. I feel FREQUENT guilt over how much she's there, and all that. She's three now, and last year, she started throwing huge tantrums when I would go pick her up. Then she would cry at home, saying she wanted to go back to day care, and she even said she wanted to go to her teachers house for awhile. Oh my gosh, I was devastated!
I was sure that she hated me and didn't like being at home. And it was so embarassing to have her cry every time I picked her up. Sometimes I would cry on the drive home.
It's still a struggle and I don't really expect to get used to it. But logically I know that it's a good thing. If she likes it there so much, I know it's good care.
I just remember that I'm here for the long-term. The teachers are not going to be around forever.
I don't know if that helps at all, but I felt better knowing it wasn't just me! Good luck!

Its fine! Don't worry. My son is TOTAL mama's boy since birth. I used to pick him up from his home daycare and he wouldn't want to leave. He would cry out the door to the car. That is a GOOD thing even though it hurt at first. That means he likes it there and he is being treated well. Don't blame yourself, be glad. My son is 22 months now and still doesn't want to leave the sitters house with my hubby.

Don't beat your self up. You are his mother and he loves you. He is just showing affection to other people too. I am with my son 24/7 i am a SAHM and i am breast feeding. My son said says daddy constantly and only uses "mom" occasionaly. The first time he ever reached out to someone was to my mother. I am very well bonded with my son, and though i wish he had said mommy first, and reached for me, i know how much we love each other and little things liek that wont change that. In your sons life he will have many friends and teachers but he will only have one MOM!!!!! Keep you head up and your heart open ;)

This is normal. My son is the same way. he is 15 months old now and he just LOVES his daycare provider. he goes to an in home daycare and even though it does hurt that he dont seem to care weather or not im there im glad he is happy and in good hands. i know we have a special bond and i set aside one on one time in the morning and at nite for just the two of us. as soon as we walk into daycare he wants down from me and runs right over to her. i just look at it that he is happy and that is what matters. i know he loves me and i would rather have him like others than be afraid of everyone. your son loves you and you should not get to down about it.

I can certainly see why you would be upset, but PLEASE don't doubt your ability as a mother or your connection with your son! I am outting this from a daycare provider's perspective as well as a mommy's. I have had infants/ toddlers, and one currently, who prefer me to mommy AT TIMES! Little ones will go through stages of who they want. Sometimes it is mommy, sometimes daddy, sometimes daycare providers. It is a good sign that he has attached with her as well, it means he's developing wondefully and it is very healthy for his socio- emotional development! I know that is not easier for you, but just remind yourself it is good. Also, you were on his "turf" since you were at the daycare. My little guys could care less when mommy gets to my home to pick them up, not wanting to leave, but outside of my home (sometimes we do small things together with our families or just shopping) they only want mommy and/ or daddy!! Not me!!

So just keep telling yourself it is okay! She probably feels just as bad that he has done that to her instead of you. but just keep being a great mom to him and giving him what he needs, lots of lovin', cuddles, story times, and play time and your attachments will stay strong. And don't let anyone berate you for working. That is a personal decision that only you can make. And it is NOT because you didn't nurse him! Plenty of mommys use a bottle and connect with their children wonderfully. This happens to all kinds of babies!

Hang in there! It won't be long before he'll probably be crying because he doesn't want to go to daycare!

Hi T.,

I remember calculating that my child actually spent more time with her day care provider at one point then me (or it was close to the same). When they are babies and don't stay up very late, and nap during the weekends...it turns out that way.

I remember worrying that my daughter would bond more with the provider then me.

I sure understand your feelings, but think this is a very normal situation. Just remember that you are the consistent care taker that has been with him since birth,that will continue to be there beyond this little school, and that he needs most for basic needs.

I remember being told by my daughter's daycare provider, and later by the preschool teachers that it wasn't unusual for the kids to frequently forget and call them mom or mama. These strong connections are normal.

Anyway, in our case the overall bonding was clearly to me....even though I missed the first several months of her life as I adopted her from another country.

Hi, T.,
This sort of happened to me as well. I work full time and have a very demanding job. While my son is not in a day care now (he has been cared for by two babysitters) this did happen once at his babysitter's house. My heart broke, too. But you know what? It just made me take a step back and re-prioritize things. Reflecting on that time, I can see that I was super stressed and not making the time for him I should have. I tried to really enjoy the time we spent together and even took some time off just to do that (a day, an hour here or there). I guess I kind of re-connected with him. Nothing is easy these days and many of us have to work so don't feel bad. Funny enough, over the Holidays when my job slows down and I'm working from home (and my was here) he became almost too attached to me and got shy around new people. So, it's one way or the other, I suppose. We are all trying to make the best balance.

E.

This is normal. Besides you she is the primary care giver. My son did this with my sister around that age as well. I know it breaks your heart a little every time but it is most likely a phase & he will grow out of it. My sister did say that as soon as I was gone all he would ask for was me. & if we were at home all he wanted was daddy until daddy had him & then it was I want mommy.

Just spend the best quality time you can with him when you do have him.

Sorry this is long.

As painful as it is, it is normal. I have the same situation. I breastfed the first month then pumped and bottlefed the rest of the time til 9 months. Now she is on formula in a sippy cup. I also work full time and have no other choice not to. We cannot afford to live on one income at this time. Plus I have our insurance through work.

While I have not had her cry for her favorite teacher while I am there, my little 11 month old girl has clearly bonded with one of her teachers at the daycare center that she has been at since she was 6 weeks old. For the longest time she didn't care that I was leaving her there in the mornings. They would even tell me about times where my girl would cry when the teacher left the room throughout the day. She has more seperation anxiety with her than with me.

Now we are entering her "sensitive" stage and this morning she cried for the first time as I was leaving, but I do not think it was so much seperation as it was other babies were fussing/crying (hungry for breakfast) and it upset her. The upside is she was able to be comforted by her favorite teacher as I had to leave for work. I called later on and they said she was too upset to eat and wanted a little cuddle time and then playtime before she had her breakfast. After that she had a good nap (morning naps are becoming few and shorter) and ate a good lunch and having a great day. Just a rough morning initially, but great now. I know when I get there to pick her up she will very much want to see me and be happy that I am there. Of course Daddy is home now for the weekend so she will be all about him tonight.

It is hard when they prefer other people over you, but while my girl wants Daddy, he is her playmate while I generally am her cuddle person when she needs comfort. Since I am the one that puts her to bed each night, I get my snuggle time with her as much as I can that way.

What concerns me is in 5 months when my little girl moves to the toddler room with different teachers how she will react to that. There will be several babies from the infant room moving about that same time so it will be intersting to see if she creates a new bond with the teachers in that room or if she will always prefer her first teacher. Only time will tell.

Hang in there. Be happy that he clearly likes daycare and the workers there. It makes leaving them easier. You wouldn't want him to cry everytime you dropped him off and have him say he didn't want to be there, so there is a plus side to this. Hope that helps. You are not alone in this. Make the most of the time you do get to spend with him.

Oh, T., don't feel bad. I agree 100% with what the other poster said. I, too, am a daycare provider and mother. It shows your son has a good bond with his teacher. It would feel worse leaving him if he was crying because he did NOT want to be there. No one can replace the bond YOU have with him. And cudos to you for pumping and bottle feeding him when you couldn't at the breast. It is obvious how much you love him, and he can feel that. YOU are mom, no one can replace that.
S.

This is completely normal. Just wait in a couple of months he will cry because you drop him off and you will wish he was happy going again.
when i worked out of the home for about a year my 8 year old now.. was so happy and would cry when we tried to leave and would run back to her. he was about a year old then. one day he just started screaming that he wanted me and the daycare lady said he cried for about 15mins. it was a complete reversal on how he was. that went on for a while then he was happy going there and leaving. i knew he wasn't being hurt or anything like that. its just the circle of the phases that kids go threw. this should just reassure you that he is taken care of and happy to be there. when he can't be with you he should be with someone he cares for and it sounds like he is!

Hi T.,

I would think of this as a blessing. I have been a SAHM for 15 years, but if my kids went to daycare, I would want them to love their teacher and have a special bond. I know it has to be hard, but if you have to or want to work, this is a good situation to be in.

It is not a reflexion on you. I also do in-home daycare and this happens with every child at some point. They also usually call me Mama until they can say my name. I wish they didn't, because it always hurts Mom's feelings, but it always seems to happen.