Need Help with Son and Husband Bonding.

S.,
My advice is to leave! Go run errands or get a coffee. He feels you there and knows that you are still around when you leave the room. It will be difficult for all of you at first but it's worth it. My husband feeds my daughter dinner several times a week and next month we are going to establish a reading time which he will do most nights. My daughter (8 mo. old) has gotten better about going to her daddy since we started this but I am mommy and sometimes they just need mommy!

M. P

GIve it time, especially if you're still breast feeding. You are and should be his primary care giver. As he starts to crawl & walk... play more... he'll spend more time with daddy.

I Know it might sound really wrong, but I just let my daughter cry with him when she went through that stage. I was with her all day while he worked, and she just wasn't used to seeing him. He usually worked really long days and by the time he came home she was about to go to bed. But even in the weekends she didn't want him to hold her. I felt so bad for him. So I would give her to him and we would play together for about 15 minutes and then I would stand up and go do something. A little while later I would come back and we would read together, then I would go and do something else. It took a while, but she got used to him and learned that even though I left I was coming back. Now she's a daddy's girl :)

Hi S.. it is normal for babies to be more attached to the mom, especially a stay at home mom, becasue you are together all day long carinf for his needs, But dads need that same opportunity. You nor your huisband can let a 7 month old be in charge or determin the type of realationship to have between him and his dad, You said your 7 month won't LET is dad hold him, he's 7 months olds he has no control over that, and if you continue to take him from your husband to calm him down, you are taeching your son that he needs be rescued by you from his own dad. My husband was in the Military so my first born was not used to his dad, and when his dad would hold him, if I walked by he would lounge for me, so what i did, when it dads time with the baby i used that time to go run errands, and completly removed myself from their time together, and it worked, so maybe you can try that, but never, I mean never take your son from your husband because he is crying, take yourself out of the picture, and give them their time together, feeding, bathing, rocking are bonding things share those things with your husband, all the things I did with our babies, my husband did as well. Hope this helps. J. L.

Hi S.,

Some of this is natural. He will go through phases where he wants one parent over the other.

That said.. here are some ideas.

Get on the floor and lay across from each other and put Ben in the middle. You and both tickle him, play with him and roll him back and forth. Roll a ball back and forth as you lay on your sides facing each other. He will start to see you 3 as a unit. Also, let your husband sooth him in his own way. He needs to find a way to connect and it won't be the way you do. He may toss him in the air, blow raspberries etc.

When my son cries and reaches for me... I kiss his hands and say "Does Daddy have you?" and then I point to my son's nose and then Daddy's nose and then mine. I stay very close but don't take him back. I work on making him laugh.

You must show your son you have confidence in his Dad and let him fuss a bit while you sing and smile and coo and Daddy holds him.

Also, my husband does Bath time with which ever child is the most distant with him. (I have 2 babies). He does the Bath, signs Rock N Roll songs and gets them dressed. I do the "put to sleep" part. Sometimes bath time is just one child cring and pissy but my husband still does it and the next night is always better:)

Also..... your Honey needs lots of verbal affirmation from you. Tell him how thankful you are that he is Ben's Father:)

Hang in there,
H.

that must be really tough to watch and hard for your husband to deal with. while your husband isn't exactly a stranger, he is however, not there for your son as many hours of the day as you. and when he's tired, he looks for the person he's most secure with to give him the comforting he needs.

here are a few things you can do to strengthen the bond between your son and your husband.

skin to skin contact--this allows for more touching sensations and smells to leave an impression on your son. when your husband cares for him in this way, it can strengthen their bond. dad can have his shirt off and son can be in just a diaper.
bath time creates a great opportunity for skin to skin as well.
dancing skin to skin, or cheek to cheek
reading books.
if he takes the bottle well and your milk supply is sufficient, then during an evening feed. have dad hold him similar to how you hold your son when you nurse.

it is also good for dad to provide some of the basic needs for your son. changing diapers, feeding solids, baths, etc.

since my first reacted a little like this towards my husband, i wanted to make sure that my 2nd didn't. it would a little more challenging because my husband was in school full time with this child and would also need time to study. during his morning study times, he would take the baby and allow me to sleep. all he did was hold her and all she did was sit there, but it was still time together. then as soon as he came home, i would give her to him and they would do whatever they wanted together.

we also practiced attachment parenting and baby wearing. my 2nd one is such a daddy's girl now. :)

http://drjaygordon.com/development/ap/index.asp

I second the notion that you just need to leave them alone together more often. The baby will stop crying after you're gone. And when you are all home, Daddy needs to be very active in baby's care, even if you are around to handle it yourself. Children are more secure with those that regularly take care of them.

Whenever all three of us are together, my hubby is the one that feeds our son. He changes the boy's diaper at least half the time. A lot of the time when hubby first gets home, he immediately changes his clothes to take our son to the park to give me some time to myself. They are best buddies and love to be silly together. At night, my hubby reads stories to our son and rocks him in the chair while he prays over him. And if our boy is super sleepy, he'll even prefer Daddy to be the one to sing to him instead of Mama. Like now, while I'm typing this. Haha. And sometimes on Saturday, since my hubby is a better sleeper than I, he'll be the one to wake up with the baby in the morning to let me sleep in a bit. I think another factor is also that my hubby often scoops our boy up for bear hugs and kisses on his face, neck, and tummy. Though my hubby dotes on our son, he is one of the disciplinarians as well. And after our son gets corrected by Daddy, Daddy makes sure he tells our son that Daddy loves him. Of course, there are days where Daddy does need a break, because of stress from work or something else. But since he does so much, it's no big deal if he does take a break.

My best to you and your family! I hope that Daddy and Baby will soon be best buds like my "boys".

M.

This is NORMAL. SHow your hubby articles about baby development.. .and "separation anxiety."

Your Hubby has to "learn" NOT to take this personally. It is not your baby's fault and it is certainly NOT your fault.

Your Hubby needs to know, that any frustrations he has about it is about HIM.... and if he does not truly understand about baby development... he will/may start to "blame" you... and this is not good.

A baby cannot be "too attached" to Mommy... this is normal and Hubby should be glad and feel blessed that his baby son is developing normally. You cannot "force" a baby to just jump into someone else's arms all smiling. He is going through separation anxiety. It will pass.

Meanwhile, Hubby needs to know that this has NOTHING to do with "love" or your son "not" loving him. Your Hubby is the adult here... and he should not let his inability to understand get in the way of what your son is going through.

Just have your Hubby read up on baby development...it seems he does not know much. As your baby grows up... he will go through MANY other phases... and it's best if your Hubby is armed with knowledge and understanding of babies. Or he will suffer much frustration at his son and you. Perhaps.

My friend told me a story once, about an acquaintance's husband. They have an 8 month old baby... and her baby LOVES his little stuffed dog and plays with it's ears for "comfort" and goes to bed with it... it's his companion. Well, one day their son seemed to "reject" (in her Hubby's eyes) him... and was screaming for his stuffed dog and wouldn't listen to his Dad telling him to "come here." SO, in order to teach his baby a lesson and to show him some "discipline"... the Dad cut off the ears of the stuffed dog. YES, this is cruel! But to the Dad, he felt rejected that his son didn't "listen" to him or favor him over the stuffed toy. Naturally, this made the baby VERY unhappy and traumatized him. The Grandma tried to sew the ears back on... but the baby "knew" it was not the same. And in the end, the baby suffered for it... for the Dad's ignorant and selfish attitude.

When I heard this story, my heart ached for the little baby. How sad. But.. .some Men/Husbands/Dads cannot understand babies and their development... instead, they take it personally and then a "negative" relationship starts because of this....and it can go on throughout their growing up for hte rest of their lives. The Dad is the "adult" here... not the baby. So... it's very important for any Dad... to learn how to manage their insecurities about their baby... and how to handle it, if they are having problems with it.

This may be an extreme story and example... but, it does happen. I couldn't believe it when my friend told me about it. It's so sad.

All the best to your Hubby... help to "teach" your Hubby about your baby... and about development. Help him "grow" as a Dad....in spirit and knowledge.

Take care,
Susan

Try having your husband spend time with your son without you around - take a yoga class or go shopping! You will have to do this regularly for it to be fun. It might even be miserable the first couple of times. Maybe hubby and son could go away from you - like to the park or something, like a date. They need to figure out how to enjoy each other without having a safety net. Keep trying....

One suggestion might be have him spend time with your son in the mornings before work when he is not tired, and on days off all day.
Forcing him to get over it when he's in his cranky time will not help much. Also when they do spend ok time together make sure your husband comes to his rescue instead of you, he's old enough for some solid food so let daddy feed him. I also really like the toys only for daddy time. Once the barrier is broken it won't matter if he's cranky or not he'll go to dad.
It is slightly a phase and slightly a reaction to only being around dad when he's cranky. My son did the same thing and now thinks his dad walks on water, so it's not forever.

I can so relate to what you husband is going through even though I'm the mommy. When our first son was born, my husband stayed at home and I went to work after my maternity leave. The bond between those two was very close, and I felt a little on the outside. You spend the most time with your son, so it is natural that he will have the closest bond with you. I think one of the other mothers' advise was great about having daddy help with bath time and holding him close with the skin-to-skin contact. These types of things will encourage closeness between them. This phase will pass quickly, and he'll become daddy's boy, too. :) My best to your family. Jen

Same thing happened with my husband and son. I'm not a SAHM but once I was home, Isaac was not letting go! I would even hold him while going to the bathroom! My husband does the diapers while he is home which is great but during this time, I had to be standing there so Isaac wouldn't freak out. I like the idea of leaving but I had a issue doing that because I didn't want my husband's experience to be a bad one.

I breastfeed to sleep so I worked my husband in to that equation. All three of us go "night-night". While I am putting on my pjs and going to the bathroom, daddy and Isaac read books. I had to clue my hubby in on how to read a book to a baby. Tell your husband to be goofy making animal noises and pointing out all the things on the page rather than reading the words. Now, at bedtime, Isaac pics out his favorite books and my husband reads to him while I take my time getting ready for bed. At first, I only had a minute or two. Now, I've got almost a half hour and my husband is stoked on the time.

Also, as Isaac has gotten older, he likes playing with dad better than me. He comes to me for the cuddles but dad for the playing. It goes by so fast - I'm sorry for your husband just like I felt bad for mine but trust me - enjoy the time you are getting because as I type this, my son has his legs sprawled over my husband and they are napping together. MEN!!! :)

The exact same thing happened to my husband and my daughter. Don't worry, this phase will pass. I call the time between 5-7pm the witching hour. It is when babies tend to be most tired and only want their moms.

My husband also took my daughter's reaction to him personally. He just needs to understand that all your son is looking for is comfort and for now that comfort is his mommy. Especially if you are a stay-at-home mom.

One thing that is working for my second daughter (8.5 mos) and my husband is that he takes her outside for a walk in a baby carrier in the evenings. She seems to love it and they get some good bonding time. Granted, this may not work, but it's worth a try. Good luck and again, this phase will pass and soon enough you and your husband will laugh about the situation, while your son and husband are playing ball outside.

Hi!

What about scheduling some time away from them (a few hour shopping trip, a movie, etc.) so they have to deal with each other? Your son may cry a lot the first few times, but he should get used to it, if your husband can keep his cool and not get too frustrated.

Also, I think it's cyclical. My sons were very attached to me until their first b'days and then it was all dad for a long time. Then it was me and back again.

Good luck!

I think this has much less to do with bonding with daddy and much more about controlling mommy. He screams and you fly to his side. Most babies and toddlers go through this or these stages. When babies are born they have no consciousness of separateness from the people around them. As they begin to realize this they start to try and influence others. He’s learned he can persuade mommy to come or stay with him by using his voice. More time alone with dad is good and less immediate response from you could help too. At least it’s worth a try. This is really normal for children. When mine were toddlers they would go back and forth. One day only mommy would do, the next it was only daddy. If it wasn’t the person they preferred that day they would scream their heads off. It’s hard when you are the odd man out so to speak. If you can’t get the baby to respond more favorably to dad now then you have remind daddy his day is coming. Kids require a lot of endurance. Remind daddy too that this probably has nothing whatsoever to do with him. He just has to not give up or give in.

Hi S.,
As others have said, this attachment to you is completely normal. While it hurts Dad to be considered a "stranger" when that type of anxiety sets in, it's very common according to things I've read on-line. I also found this list of bonding ideas that I thought you might be able to share with your husband http://www.babycenter.com/0_top-tips-for-dads-on-bonding-... Though it might be hard at first, it might help if you give them some space (in other words, leave) so they can spend the time one-on-one. I know for me, I seem to think I know how to do everything "right" and have the tendency to hover and offer instruction forgetting that Dad may not do things the same way, but that doesn't mean his way is "wrong". Point is, if I'm not around to "help" I find they do just fine and the baby quickly focuses on Dad and Dad alone. Hope this helps and good luck!

S.,
My first, a son, went through a very similar thing to this. He was VERY attached to me. He wouldn't go to ANYONE, including my husband most of the time. At some point between 6-12 months it got better, at least for my husband (it took 18-24 months for grandparents). My advice is not to stress too much about it. There's no reason to make it a traumatic or upsetting incident to become familiar with his dad. Let him play with daddy from your arms or while you're in the room as much as you can and within a few months, you should notice a difference. Put yourself in Ben's shoes. He's with you almost all the time and knows you love him because of that and that you're meeting all his needs. Daddy only comes around after work, before bed, and he's going through the stranger anxiety stage.
It'll take some time, but believe me, he WILL come around and get attached to his daddy too. I thought the same thing you are thinking, but at some point my son became a daddy's boy and started crying big time when daddy left for work and was hooked by his side the second he came home.
You're in the middle of a hard time, but remember this too shall pass, and you'll almost forget it was ever an issue (like me). So relax and try to enjoy this time that you'll never have back, where he wants you and only you.
The best thing your husband could do is to be happy and pleasant when he's around Ben, play with him as much as Ben will let him, and only show his frustration for the situation when Ben's not around. The more he relaxes about this, I'd think the quicker Ben would open up to him.
This is a good thing! If he gets attached to one person, he'll build trust in people and can slowly start attaching to others. It's better to attach and love, then abandon or force anything.
Good luck,
N.

I think that this is just a phase that babies go through. I remember my daughters doing the same thing around that age...I don't remember it lasting long...maybe I enjoyed the attention :)

Dear S.,

Try to see that your son has a good nap and had something to eat before Dad comes home. Then don't react when he is crying for you. Stay out of the room, and don't come in to rescue him. You just have to be strong.

Remember, men do not know as much about children as women do. He is confused and wants to be a good Dad and accepted by his son. Use your womanly wiles to accomplish an atmosphere for bonding between father and son. You can do it.

C. N.

I think it is normal. My son has the same issue even still at 14 months. On the weekends or the evenings you may want to get out of the house and do something for yourself so they can have some one-on-one time. That will help them bond.

I agree with the moms who are suggesting alone time for the two of them. It might be challenging at first, but then better for everyone involved. You being at home, might benefit for even 30 minutes of quiet time alone - even just a walk around the block. Let your husband have some time alone. Yes, all the bonding stuff is true as far as we are the primary caregivers while breastfeeding, but ... everything we do now sets a precident for how our children will grow up. I think that Father's should be a vital part of the child's life, including spending some one on one from the time they are infants. It forms good habits and helps to build a strong bond between them.

My husband has always spent a lot of time with my daughter. She is definitely a Daddy's girl and I love knowing that she adores him. Makes me feel as if I did something well.

Good luck. Nothing in parenting is easy, but if you keep working at it, I am sure your little one will come to cherish his moments with Dad.

Hi S.,
I had the same problem when I first started leaving my son with his daddy. I made it a point for at least once a week to leave them alone and me out grocery shopping. I also began taking turns with my husband in giving my son baths. Eventually my son got used to him and not mommy being there all the time.
My son is now 10 months and stops nursing when he hears daddy voice. He also reaches out for him and seeks him. I think the bonding took time, for me, because I nurse and spend more time with him. Now that he eats solids, my husbands gives him his dinner and we make sure that on his days off he dresses him and spends quality time with him.
Good luck and tell your husband that his baby will come around. Just be patient and let them learn to feel comfortable with each other without your presence.

S.:
This is the age where babies attach themselves very strongly to their primary caretaker. I do have some suggestions though. I would get a couple of special toys, sorting cups, or puzzles, or interesting things that make music or noise that only come out when your husband comes home. Then yOur husband only plays with your son and those toys. He can also give him a bottle or something and you go make dinner. No matter what, don't play with those toys, and put them away when daddy's playtime is over. That way your little guy will have a distraction and you can get dinner on. Try not to go into the room where they are playing. It is ok if they baby cries. You know he's not hurt. And let them get to know each other. I'm sure your son is 7 months old. He knows by now there is more to life than being held. Start out with a small time increment then work your way up.
Also you may want him to take a late afternoon nap so the baby is fresher when your husband gets home and not as cranky.

My daughter was the same.....if I stepped out of the house/room, it was screams (even if I left for 2 hours) until I stepped back in. She just turned 10 yesterday and is a total Daddy's Girl!!

I know it's frustrating right now......but he is not the only one. Thank goodness that kids do outgrow this stage.

Have a Healthy Day,
Marie-anne

Because you are a stay at home mom with your son, he's going to be attached to you, however when your husband comes home spend 30 to 45 minutes playing on the floor with both of them try walking in and out of the room so your baby knows your still there. Maybe even have your husband walk outside with him and talk to him about the sky and the trees, they may just havent had that bonding time you and son have gotten with you home with him, hope this helps.

S., you have already received a lot of good advise. My son was the same way! He had colic, and for 5 months I was the only one who could handle his endless screaming. Once that got better my husband was ready to be more hands on and my son wasn't having it. He is now 15 months and loves any one who is ready to play with him. I am still the only one who can comfort him when he is upset, but Daddy is a better buddy to play with. If your husband wants to bond, it will come with time. Once they can wrestle and play, Dads and Sons will just clique. It does get better, I promise.

Try leaving him with dad and only dad in the house occasionally. Even if you take a walk outside for 30 minutes it may help. He will probably freak out for a while then settle down. Once he understands that you are gone but also understands that you will come back he will start to warm up to dad. Dad will have to be committed to the process though because your son will most likely have some really tough runs but in the end the bond he will have with dad will be strong and you'll get some free time!