I have been with my bf for 4 years. We recently had a beautiful baby boy. I had to have a tubal reversal in order to have more children so this pregnancy was planned. when I first met my bf we both had another relationship. I stopped mine but we continued his but when I found out I chose to stay with him. I knew that by making that decision I would have to forgive him for what he did. My dilema is we argue all the time about the things that he does. For instance we goes every weekend to make money because we are short on money. He has his own business and designs t shirts and makes jewlery. The other problem is his phone. He is constantly on his phone texting. He will take the phone with him no matter where he goes and at night he turns it off. He thinks I'm crazy for the things that I say and says I'm just making stuff up. I want to believe him and even sometimes think maybe I am making too much out of nothing. I just don't know what to do because I'm not sure I am right about what I think and I do love him. He says he loves me and wants us to be a family but I just don't know if I believe him and it is causes so much tension between us. Any suggestions before I ruin my relationship?
A.,
If he cheated on someone else to have a relationship with you...chances are likely he will do it again.
A., if you are having doubts there may be a reason for it. Ask him to take you with him one weekend, if he doesnt let you there is a big red flag. As for the phone thats another red flag.Ask him if you can look at the phone, the bill does it tell you about the calls, incoming out going? If he loves you and there is not another woman he should have no issue showing you his phone or taking you on the weekend. As a woman you need to trust your instint!! It may be your overreacting but it may be more, trust your heart. Good Luck C.
Tell him your doubts. Ask him point blank if he's cheating on you. I have a friend that just went through a similar situation. They had been married for 11 years. She could tell when he was lying. So, she asked him and knew he lied and then caught him in several lies. If you're uncomfortable then talk to him. If he has nothing to hide than it shouldn't be a problem leaving the phone or letting you see it. Before you talk to him pray that God helps you stay calm and gives you the words to say. My husband and I don't make any decisions without asking God's guidance beforehand. God Bless
People who have nothing to hide.. hide nothing.
First of all, I would look at your concerns or suspicions and try to figure out if he is really continuing to be unfaithful to you or if you are being paranoid and having trouble trusting him(which is completely understandable). You mentioned fighting about him working extra on weekends to make ends meet, and concerns about him taking his phone everywhere he goes. These seem like normal things to do. However, if he isn't committing to you and your baby and wants to continue seeing other people, that is something you need to force him to make a decision about. Tell him something like this: "If you really love me and our son, you will commit to being with us and only us. If you can't promise that you will be faithful to me, I can't marry you or continue to live with you." That's my advice...
OK so he's gone on the weekends to earn money for your family. That is a good thing. You should have no problem with that.
Let's face it, cell phones are rude devices. I have been thru that with my own husband. On the phone all the time, answering no matter what is going on. There has to be a limit. He needs to give you and your child some time without interruption. Maybe Sundays could be phone free. Are you worried about who he is texting? Tell him you are just insecure and need reassurance. Let him know it would help if he included you, if he tells you who & what he is texting.
If all else fails, there is counseling, but you both have to be willing to listen and compromise.
If you love this guy, try to concentrate on that. Make his life easier and make your own life good. I've been married 30 years and much of our younger days were spent arguing. Just try to accept who and how he is. No one is perfect.
Point Blank.....If he has nothing to hide, then he will let you see his phone and all calls and text messages that go with it. You have a great deal of untrust because of something that he was not honest about. It is HIS responsibility to earn that trust back. It is not easy. I have been dealing with the same situation. My bf(fiance) of 7 years "cheated" on me for the whole first year we dated. I did not find out about it until 2yrs and a son later. One of the reasons I fell in love with this 7yr younger man was because I thought he had always been honest with me no matter what. Had we not already had a son together, I would've left. It took a long time for me to get him to understand that he did this. He broke my trust, and HE had to earn it back. It has been a long and sometimes painful process, but we are getting closer everyday. There will be arguments, some ugly, but if you can get over it, it is worth it in the end.
Dear Confused,
You may have forgiven him for what he did, but you have not forgotten. (Nor should you) His behavior is very suspicious to say the least. If he won't show you who he is texting, then there's a reason - and it's not a good one. Sadly, this relationship started out by cheating. Then he compounded it by continuing to cheat on you and the person he was already in a relationship with before you came along. He is a very duplicitous person. It is very unfortunate that you chose to go through a medical procedure to have a baby with this man when you have so many doubts about him. But what is done is done and I'm sure your baby is the light of your life. I'll admit I'm old-fashioned and I don't understand the whole 'let's have a baby then get married later'. To me that's putting the cart before the horse. It's like riding a huge coaster fearlessly but being afraid of the merry-go-round. If I were you, I'd step out of line for the merry-go-round with him - odds are you are not the only one in the line....
It is never good when a man says that you are crazy. Either you are and you are going to ruin your relationship or your not and he just wants you think you are. Either way, relationships are based on several principles, the two most important here: trust and compromise. If he isn't willing to compromise to regain your trust then perhaps there is no trust to regain. In my estimation if one person in a relationship cheats it is thier responsibility to re-earn your trust. They should be accountable to you until you trust them. That being said, if you didn't trust him completely then why have a baby with him. I think you should validate your issues....tell him you need for him to prove he is being faithful and if he can then let it go! If he can't then let him go!
I am not exactly sure what your dilemma is, but I am assuming that he puts too much focus on work. You want him to dedicate more time to family and leave work on the side. I suggest telling him to figure out when he works and which time is for family. He should turn his cell phone off and not check it until the next day when he leaves for work. If he's home at 6pm, then the phone should go with his keys in a dish or box and be left there all night.
As far as forgiving him, it sounds like he may have cheated. You need to do things with him to build trust in the relationship. You could try talking to a family counselor about your own questions and then try involving him later when you have decided how to address your feelings. You might even consider borrowing a book or two from the library on relationship building and building trust.
http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/trust_building/
http://www.livestrong.com/article/8918-build-trust-relati...
A., it really sounds like he is doing someting shady. Every guy I know that ever cheated acted the same way with his cell phone. After he falls asleep take his phone, turn it on and snoop. You will not be able to get this out of your mind until you know the truth. Trust your instincts. If something is telling you to be suspicous, I bet it turns out there was a good reason for it. If he isn't doing anything wrong he shouldn't care if you look at his phone. Good luck!
What are you confused about? Are you asking yourself if he will change, no he won't. Well maybe, when he is 50, and he starts to grow up, but he still won't see things the way you do. You think he is cheating on you? Well you asked him ? He said no, so the answer is no until you know otherwise. Times are hard. Raising a baby by yourself is a job no one can do alone very well. Do you want the alternative, to be alone and to start over? Are you asking yourself. Can you live in this home with the father of your baby and have him just that? Step back and let him breath. Do the same for yourself. Take time out after work with your baby and do some time together playing. Relax, there is good yoga on tv for free. Take your child with you to church. Christmas is around the corner, start taking care of the important thing here, the baby, and remember you have to be healthy too. Have a very merry christmas, and remember dont sweat the small stuff, if given enough time it will resolve on its own, or it really won't matter. The big stuff remember it is only temporary. God Bless you.
Trust your "gut"... mine has never failed me.
Why assume that it's you ruining the relationship? Sounds like your instincts are telling you that there is at least one other woman. Have you asked him who he is constantly texting? You have financial issues and trust issues. Have you had some honest discussion about both of these issues? Is the other person actually out of the picture or is he still connected? If he says you are making stuff up then you need to have him prove it. And if you find out he is cheating on you, whether it's physical or platonic cheating, you have to be prepared to make a decision as to what you are going to do about it.
