Help on the Battle Between Hubby and I...trust Issues

Actually, its not ok that he has female friends. He has a history of cheating on you so he will forever be tempted. If he is unable to make changes to his lifestyle to make you able to trust him again, then you will have to decide what to do. I'm speaking from experience because my ex was the same way. It finally hit me that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life not trusting him and wondering what (or who) he's doing in his free time. Life is WAY too short to spend it with someone who clearly disrespects you. I hope you find an answer but I think its up to him, not you. Good luck!!!

I don't have a great feeling about what you have said. I don't believe a man needs a bunch of female friends. It's not appropriate at all.

You are snooping on his phone, saving women's phone numbers from it, and he is subsequently deleting those phone numbers from your phone without telling you.

You don't trust him, he's most likely still cheating... so, please remind me why you want to "work through it"?!

The only way to work through it is for him to stop cheating & for you to forgive & trust him again. If that can't happen, then you really don't have a marriage, IMO.

If you choose to stay without trusting him or with him still cheating, then you are setting a pretty low standard for your marriage. If you choose to stay with doubts, then there's really no advice that anyone can give you to trust him again. You either trust him, or you don't.

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Without trust, you don't have much of a relationship. Trust is one of the most important "ingredients" in a relationship. You should have a heart to heart, maybe try counseling again.

Your husband should not have female friends especially given his past! The fact that he deleted the numbers from your phone sends me a huge red flag. If you want to continue with the marriage, then I would sit down each month with the phone bill together and go over all the numbers that were called. If there are any in question, then he either says who he was calling or you call yourself. If he's not willing to do it, then I would say good-bye. If he is not cheating, great, unfortunately he will just have to put up with the humility or your searching his stuff for awhile. If he wants to regain your trust, he needs to be an open-book. A lot of guys ahve a hard time with this, but that is the way it goes. Good Luck - I hope it's not as bad as it sounds from our end!

Well, I am of a different position. He is a proven cheater, so he should NOT have female friends, and he should NOT be talking to them whenever he wants. If he were trustworthy and faithful, fine. But, he's not. Even currently. If he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't have even thought about deleting numbers. Time to head back to counseling.

You need to let go of the past - that's the hardest thing to do...letting go...

If he hasn't proven trustworthy - then you really need to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him...so if you have already chosen NOT to divorce him over this - then you need to decide to let go of the past...

he should NOT have removed the numbers...however, if asked - what was his reason for deleting them? Does he still have their numbers on his NEW phone?

You are right - it boils down to trust...you needing to let go of the past and not holding it against him....it's HARD...but at some point you need to let it go...

Have you asked him WHY he deleted them?? Maybe he thinks that it is no longer an issue for you?? or maybe he thought that, he probably doesn't think that anymore.

I know looking at his phone logs and holding onto phone numbers makes you feel better, but it really is just your safety net. You are assuming a couple of things.

1. He would cheat with the same girl and not a new one.
2. Those girls would have the same phone numbers they had years ago.
3. He would use his regular phone that you have access to and could monitor.

A guy may not be able to figure out how to buckle a car seat in, but they can usually figure out how to not get caught cheating, unless it becomes a long term affair, then it's just inevitable.

So I guess my question to you is . . . do you want to know if he is cheating or not. He already cheated on you once and you didn't leave him. If he cheats on you again what would you do? Would it be better to know or not know?

Very few straight men have female friends.
My husband has female "friends" on facebook and most of them are divorced, single or otherwise looking for a hook up. I don't care because I can see everything and it's really pretty sad how desperate they are (ex girlfriends and former classmates, etc.)
Our cell phones are connected via a family plan so I can easily go online anytime to see any family member's calls/texts. Can't you do this? Though I usually do it to monitor my teenagers, not my spouse.
Your husband definitely seems to be hiding something. Sorry, I hope it all works out :(

Take his phone and look up the numbers, I'm sure you remember their names.

I don't blame you for still looking and your husband shouldn't expect you to give him complete privacy. This is a marriage, not a separate entity within a relationship.

I agree with Nitasha. Trust needs to be there, 100%. I think there will always be problems if their isn't a full amount of trust. Not trusting, for one, is a huge burden for someone to bear. Counseling is a good idea. You can be mad at him for deleting the numbers, but the main problem here is trust, of course. You two are a union, a partnership you two should be open with each other entirely.

As I understand what you said...he cheated on you, once, when you were dating, years ago. You still have issues with it and "allow" him to have female friends. If you trust him you trust him, if not then you need to still be in counseling to work through YOUR issues. He seems to have been faithful for years and even before you married him. It seems you are the one with the leftover baggage and it will not get better until you are through your leftover issues.