Am I Cheating?

Even though it is not cheating physically, it is cheating emotionally. Should you have totally given up on this guy when you got married? YES! Because that is what being married is all about, isn't it? Isn't that the point of marriage?

Watch the movie "Fireproof"...I think you will find it entertaining as well as educational. It really helped me to improve my relationship with my husband.

You are playing with fire here. Don't answer his texts, or phone calls. You had to sneak away and you feel guilty, for a good reason. Stop this behavior, before you do something you will regret.

While everyone has their own definition of "cheating", I consider it anything you are hiding from your spouse. So while you may not be having sex with this other guy, you are hiding your texts, conversations, and phone calls from your husband. And I think your guilty conscience answers your own question.

You are being sneaky. You may not have cheated yet but you sure are opening that door.

If there feels like there is something not quite right with your current relationship with your husband, this ex of your's can probably appear to be enticing but you are playing with fire. I believe that long standing marriages do not happen by accident. It takes work, communication and the ability to love this other person more than you love yourself (as long as it is a healthy relationship). If you are feeling a disconnect with your marriage right now, I urge you to work it out with your husband, with a counselor if necessary. Good marriages are made, not born.

I hope that you are ready to be in a good marriage and will invest your time and your heart wisely. That's just how I see it.

.

You should not be doing that.
You are playing with fire.
How would you feel if your Husband was doing that with his Ex????
Not a nice feeling, to put it lightly. Not to mention "trust" issues etc.

Yes, you should NOT be doing that.
AND you are 'hiding' it from your Husband.
Not good.

Don't put a fishing pole out there...

"Should I have totally given up this guy when I got married?"

Isn't that what marriage is all about? Choosing to stick with the person you are marrying? I don't know of any vow that states "you and me forever...unless something better comes along."

While it isn't cheating, per se, you are treading dangerous ground in your relationship. My rule is that unless it's something I am completely comfortable with my husband seeing or hearing, I don't need to go there.

It's an ex. Let him know you've moved on. "No more contact, please, no more texts or phone calls". If this sounds extreme, consider this: is it worth risking the trust relationship of your marriage to communicate with this person? Probably not. This guy had *how long* to get a hold of you to figure this stuff out? Does he even care that his contacting you might be an unwelcome development in your relationship with your husband?

If you are feeling this strongly about it, don't do it again.

A single phone call to an ex you still have feelings for? No. Not by a long shot. A pattern of sneaking off / keeping secrets / erasing a "trail"... that's getting into the realm of cheating. But a single phone call? Not unless you were proclaiming your undying love for each other and everyone else is meaningless and or having phone sex. Working out unresolved emotions / touching base... that is NOT cheating, nor as bad as cheating.

But it doesn't have to be cheating in order to hurt.

An "emotional affair" is when all of the energy/ news/ good will/ etc that WOULD be going to a spouse instead goes to someone else. Unrequited. An emotional affair can be as destructive to a marriage as a physical affair. A physical affair, is sex/ sex acts/ etc. Like Dawi P said... it's the BETRAYAL that counts.

Here's the flipside of the coin. I'll lay on the couch of a guy friend's with my head on his lap/shoulder/whatever, watching a movie. I'll spend HOURS on the phone to other people, some of them exes, most of them people I love in different ways. Just because I love them does NOT mean I want to be in a romantic relationship with them. Nor is the time spent with them the only time when I'm happy, or time I could be spending with my husband, etc. It's ME time, they're adding to my life, not replacing something. There's a boundary and I'm nowhere near it. They're FRIENDS, and my friends tend to be as "touchy feely" as myself. There's no vavavoom to it. Just friends. Same token I'll see someone walking down the street who DOES get the vavavoom! response. That's just sexual attraction. Totally normal. I'm not going to try and take them home with me. But I can enjoy the view.

My suspicion is that you feel guilty, because you either know or wonder if what you did would hurt your spouse.

Here's the rule of thumb:

ONLY SAY TO OTHERS, OR DO WITH OTHERS, WHAT YOU WOULD SAY OR DO IF YOUR HUSBAND WAS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND THE OTHER PERSON.

Furthermore, don't keep secrets.

Hey, so I talked with so & so today. It was kind of awkward. Fun in some ways, like we might be able to be friends again someday, but also rehashing old mistakes, apologizing... that kind of uncomfortable first "testing the waters to see if we can be friends" conversation / distance lets you see where you were a jerk. It just left me feeling a little weird. I don't know yet if I want to be friends.

Would you think your husband was cheating if it was the other way around? Be honest with yourself and you have your answer.

If you are feeling guilty, I think you already know the answer. When I find myself struggling with a situation, I always try to put myself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if he were the one communicating behind your back with an old flame? It doesn't sound like you have crossed any lines, but I would quit while I was ahead!

you 'made a point to get away' if you are sneeking around like that then you know you are doing something wrong

stop now and it isnt, keep going while knowing its wrong and you are.

How would you feel if your husband was the one texting his ex and getting away to make a phone call to her? What do you expect to happen between you and your ex? I don't think you are cheating but if you keep talking to your ex behind your husband's back then it will lead to cheating.

Dont get yourself in this mess. Google "emotional affair" and you have your answer. Good luck!

If you are doing something that you feel you have to "get away" to do, or if you are feeling guilty enough to wonder if you are cheating, the answer is, you need to STOP. Cut ties with this guy. End it now. Tell him you are married and happy and that you don't want to continue a relationship with him period. Block him from your phone if you have to. End it.

Cheating in my book is a type of betrayal. If you have sex with another person and are in an open relationship, maybe unethical but not a betrayal. If you are sneaking around making phone calls to an ex bf behind your hubby's back when you know the knowledge would most likely make him feel betrayed then I have to say that yes you are.

I second Fireproof, read the book and watch the movie. It pretty much saved my marriage.

Well it looks like you have sorted this out. My advice is to now block him from your phone. We gals love a little spice, a lil adventure, but in your heart I feel pretty sure you aren't wanting to do something horrible to your hubby and devastate your own life. So if you are sort of missing that zing with your own marriage maybe think of something fun and new to do. Like if he loves football and you guys haven't been to a game together, save up for some tickets and try to go, just an example. I was reading this great article that said that is very important to do new things together. They did this scientific study of people's brains while dating and doing something together, which by default was new bc they were getting to know each other and then had a couple that was married do something new together and watched their brains, like on some type of scanner imaging. When married couples did something new together, the same areas of their brains lit up like the dating couples who were falling in love. So basically by still having new experiences together sometimes the same chemical cocktail that was released in our brains as we fell in love is released again and we get all those nice feelings that drew us together in the first place. I found that so interesting bc I know when we get away together or just go somewhere new together, we always have a really great time. So I said all that to say, drop that other dude like a bad habit. No big talk, no explanation, just block his digits and move on. You are married, he's a big boy, he will figure it out. Plug back in to your marriage and see if there is something fun and exciting you guys could experience together. Could be as simple as a 3D movie, if you have never done that. Doesn't have to be all fancy or anything. Good luck and I think your guilty conscious shows you love your guy and you freaked bc you know you don't want anything to mess up what you do have. Forgive yourself and move on :D Take care!!

You really need to be protecting your marriage, not endangering it. A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. You are working in the wrong direction. My husband and I have a pact: we try to never do anything that, if the other were to find out or walk in on us, they would be hurt. My husband travels a lot. He used to be in the military. The guys would go out. Many would dance with various women. My husband-never. I would have been very upset if I walked in and found him dancing with another woman. So, that was out. {he hates dancing, so it wasn't really an issue anyway, but that is an example} You must be pro-active in protecting your marriage. Flirting, texting, etc. with other men, especially men you have had relationships with, is not protecting your marriage.

While you may not have technically cheated things could easily go that way if you continue. If you would feel uncomfortable telling your husband about something you are doing then go by that. Stop now before there is a problem.

BTW I talk to my husband about practically everything and if he or I casually talked to an ex it would not be a big deal--if it was upfront. But keeping secrets is hurtful. Also, I am married 8 years and we started dating 15 years ago so there is a lot more water under the bridge. If you are married less than 2 years you are still newlyweds. This is the time to nurture your marriage if you want to have a strong foundation for the future.

You are cheating just as much as if you were rolling in the sheets with him.

You're talking about your past - should have gotten that out of the way before you married #2.

You've dug yourself into quite a hole and you best put your big girl panties on and deal with it now. IE - stop talking to #1 and fess up to #2.

Although you haven't cheated yet, there are emotions there that you don't seem in control of. You need to cut off all ties with your ex. You shouldn't be calling him, and if you have to do it secretly, then you are doing something wrong.

What you're doing is NOT as bad a cheating (to answer your question) but take it from one who has been there: you are asking for a world of hurt if you continue down this path. I learned the hard way: cheating was even more harmful to me than it was to my husband because I compromised my integrity--nevermind that I told myself I had "good" reasons. If your marriage is not working, either fix it, or get out. Then take some time to sort things out on your own before you get into a new frelationship..with your ex or anyone else. Good luck. I mean it. Marriage is hard. Even good ones.

If you are hiding to talk to this guy and would not do it in front of your husband, then i do believe it is cheating. Maybe not physical, but definitely mental.

Yes, yes, and yes. There are various societal opinions about what faithfulness is. But I believe you would not like to think of your husband of less than two years texting his ex-girlfriend, taking her call, and then calling her, no matter what silly thing you, his wife, might have been doing at the time.

If you're unhappy with your marriage, please do what you can to fix it. It takes more than a year and half for you to get to know each other *really* well and develop a system for *making* your marriage work. Marriage is different from every other sort of relationship, and it's amazing what sorts of things try to wedge themselves between every husband and wife - including stress, fears, fatigue, and even plain old boredom. Don't let those things beat you. Take another look at the guy you married and start texting him instead.

I have a feeling that instead of the word "cannot" in your post, you might have put the words "will not." But if you truly cannot break contact with the old boyfriend - if the man refuses to stay away after you have firmly told him to and have refused to communicate further with him - it may have to be a legal or even a police matter.

would you be okay with this if he were doing it to you?
khairete
S.

RMarie:

What you are doing is going to lead to disaster! Someone WILL get hurt and will most likely be YOU!

Put on your hubby's shoes - how would YOU feel if he was making an excuse to walk out of the room to talk to his EX? How would you feel if he was telling his EX about your "failed relationship"? If the answer is "i'd be pissed as all get out." then you know what you are doing is wrong.

I have PLENTY of male friends. My husband has met each of them. I read my texts and chats to him - we laugh. If I have to sneak away to make a call - it better be about a surprise party and not for another person.

Does that mean I make all my calls in front of my hubby?! HECK NO!!! he walks outside to talk to his dad - it's called privacy. We have that even in our marriage - but it's not a secret "I'm going to call X, be right back". It's called RESPECT not only for your spouse but yourself.

You broke up with this "EX" for a reason. Are you stating that after all this time he changed his colors?

You need to focus all of your energy on your marriage. You are not giving your marriage the respect it deserves. It's like you have fallen prey to the media madness about the "perfect marriage" and EXPECT things to be peachy every day. It's not. Wake up. Grow up.

Not trying to be mean here - but seriously- if you focused the attention you are giving to your EX - your marriage may be doing a hell of a lot better than it is.

Marriage is SUPPOSED to be a life-long commitment. It's not just about the wedding day and all the happy thoughts - life happens. There are good days and bad days. If everyone had a "wonderful" day EVERY day, life would get boring.

You are feeling guilty because what you are doing is wrong.

You can make your marriage whatever you want it to be. If you are not happy with it - change it. A marriage is like a garden - it MUST be tended to daily. If not - weeds will grow. You've only been married 18 months. I've been married almost 14 years. I can tell you - we've had some good days, some bad days, some TERRIBLE days and some absolutely WONDERFUL days. There are days when I really just want to walk away and say DUDE, SOOOOO DONE WITH YOU. There are days when I want to just wrap my arms around him and Thank God that I have someone who puts up with me!! (I'm not the easiest to put up and I can drive myself nuts sometimes too!!) My parents have been married 54 years - it's NEVER perfect. It's what you make of it. If you can't take the time to make your marriage better - then you shouldn't be married at all.

You need to like yourself and love yourself before someone else can love you. If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see - only YOU can change it. Do NOT expect things to be different with your "ex"...the grass is NOT always greener...it has brown patches too....if you are expecting every day to be perfect - well, I am sorry - it won't be. God will give you challenges in life. He will test you. If your gut is making you feel guilty - then you know this is a challenge that God is giving you and you are failing it.

Take a deep breath. Call the EX and tell him - NO MORE. Go to your husband and say "OUR MARRIAGE needs X" - not just I, this isn't just about YOU... find out what you expect, find out what he expects and meld those together. Please know that even if you walk away now - whatever problems you have here, in this marriage, WILL carry over to your next one - because you didn't learn to solve them before you walked away.

your not cheating but deff not doing the right thing. you should see a therapist and talk to your hubby

You should have left all your thoughts about this guy outside of the church when you married your husband. What might have happened didn't and now you both are wondering what if.

The what if could put a big hole in your life. Let the fantasy die a quick death as nothing good willcome from it. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. We may have thoughts and desires but we don't act upon them when they are wrong.

Your hsuband loves you for you and allthat you do for him even if he doesn't say it. You are dealing with trust issues so think wisely as you may be the one that gets hurt.

The other S.

PS You are newlyweds and tests come in our lives daily and you must make decisi

yeah totally not a good idea. You know what you're are doing is wrong otherwise you wouldn't have to hide the fact that you talked and texted this other guy from your hubby. I mean this is how an affair starts out. It usually doesn't go from being faithful to sleeping with someone one night. Instead it starts like this. Just talking and texting (which you can convince yourself is harmless) then you start to see each other and of course you tell yourself it's just as friends but then deeper feelings start to arise and then from there it become physical. It's like a snowball effect. So if i were you no more talking or texting this guy and if you feel that you and your hubby aren't connecting well then that is something you need to talk about with him.....maybe do couples counseling to pin point any problems. But again yes what you are doing is wrong.

Well, in my opinion, you are emotionally cheating to be sure, and that can be just as devastating. You haven't stopped at just thoughts though, you are sneaking to communicate so......
You have to stop and think of what your answer would be if your husband were doing the exact same thing.
Could you live with it?
Would you brush it off?
Marriages are really fragile things and I just hope you will give yours more of a chance. You have only invested such a short time into it. You're not giving it 100% if your mind is somewhere else half the time.
You owe it to yourself and your marriage to give yourself better odds than that.

I wish you the best.

yeah, youre cheating and playing with fire. it's fun because it's bad. stop now. it's not worth the consequences.

What I don't understand is why you are speaking to him in the first place??? It seems very sneaky to text this guy and then get away from hubby to go make a call to him???WHY?? What could you possibly want to talk about with him? I think this isn't cheating per se, but you are on the road to it and quick....I would come clean with your hubby and tell him your sorry, cut off contact with the ex and don't ever do this again.
As for your question, yes! You should have given up on the ex when you got married! Good luck.
M

wow, I think you're feeling really confused about your relationship with your husband. There's nothing wrong with being friends with an old partner, yet to be discrete about it sends up warnings.
I would appreciate if my husband would tell me if an old friend/ex called, if he were trying to hide it, I would feel suspicious.
Get clear with what your intentions are with the ex boyfriend. If you're still attracted to him, you'd better tell him that you need some time before something does come about.
Get clear with your relationship with your husband. He has a right for you to be honest with him.

If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, you shouldn't do it.

I didn't read all the responses but I'm sure a lot of us know where you are coming from. Let's face it-it feels great to have that sort of attention, it's exhilirating, etc. When you really look at it, though, it's not coming from a good place and it won't lead to anything good, if you continue to let it escalate. I don't know what your husband has been up to but you both need to lay your cards out on the table with the texting.

I don't think that is the right thing to do, especially if you are sneaky about it, then you know it is wrong. How would you feel if your husband did that to you?

It sounds like you are not completely fulfilled in your relationship right now. Whether that has to do with your own issues or issues in your marriage, only you can determine what those are. If you know what is troubling you with your marriage, I would try and work on them now. If you want to stay married, that will definitely be important. Otherwise, you will be drawn to situations outside of your marriage, which can't be good for either of you long term. If they are issues within you, I would seek therapy so that you can begin to address them. You will be healthier for it and so will your marriage. I don't know if you all are considering having children, but I would put any thought of that on hold for now. I do not think it's ok to bring children into the mix if you are feeling this way. You didn't mention anything about kids, but I just thought I'd share this thought. Help yourself before you bring kids into the mix.

If I were you I would stop all contact with this person. This relationship that you have with your ex is not real. It is not based on real life and so you are dreaming for this fairytale situation that is tempting, but definitely not real. I think you need to pull yourself out of this before you enter more dangerous territory.

If you want your marriage to work, get help now. If you think about wanting to spend the rest of your life with your husband, you will need to develop a strong foundation. It's definitely worth spending the energy on. The payoff is incredible if you can make through this time...

Good luck to you.

You haven't cheated yet, but are deffinately heading in that direction. IMO

You made it bad when you got up to make the call. You should have mentioned to your husband right there and then that you are getting a text message from this person and give him heads up. I am sure you did it because you didn't want to hear his response and quite likely it might have been to not talk to him again, knowing you secretly still want to do so. No problem having a friend from the past, but if you are *happily" married, you shouldn't have to hide it, despite what you think your husband might think. Now all you are doing is giving him more reason to consider it cheating. Cheating is when you begin to hide it. If you feel guilty, tell your husband.

Do you and your husband have children together? If so, you should probably stay married (and go to marriage counseling so you can be more than fairly happily married). If you do not have kids with your husband, then you have a choice - stay married or take a risk and get divorced and see if this ex is everything you still think he is. Please be careful - usually the grass is not greener. Best wishes.

If you feel guilty, then, you obviously have a reason to feel guilty.
If you want things to be normal with your marriage, ditch the phone number, ask him to never contact you again, and be done with it.
Never look back and never think about what might have been.
After a while, you will never think of him anymore.
It is the right thing to do for your family.

Here is my perspective I know you have gotten many responses but for anyone else who may read this thinking the same thing ... if your spouse knew this was going on would he/she think it was cheating?? Take your answer from that plus the guilt you may feel.

If you can't tell your husband you did it and are feeling guilty, then it probably wasn't a good idea.

I think you already know the answer because you said you feel guilty. Perhaps my take is over-simplified, but it seems to me that if you are engaging in ANY behavior that you would keep a secret from your husband, you are betraying him and jeopardizing your relationship. It is completely inappropriate for you to be having "secret" contact with an ex-boyfriend. You ask "should I have totally given up on this guy when I got married?". In a word, YES. Do the right thing. You'll be happier in the end.

If you still have some lingering feelings for this ex then you are playing with fire. WALK AWAY NOW! Level with your husband because communication is key and the right thing to do. I'm not saying you'll feel better after you do but I always talk EVERYTHING out with my hubby. Anyhow, my advice is to end communication with the ex. Good luck.

If you think it might be - it probably is. Holding onto old relationships, or the promise of new ones is lethal to a marriage even if they don't get close to physical - if you always have the idea there might be something else you should try then you will never fully commit. You also will never find out what the real potential for your marriage will be. When something else is going on in your head you miss what is right in front of you.
If you find you try to stop but can't then consider talking to a counselor or support group. Not because you are crazy or something is wrong with you, but because sometimes its easy to develop unhealthy fantasies and to flirt, even without physical contact, which destroy your ability to be truly present in your own marriage or even for yourself.