Compromise on Parenting

Hi,
This may sound severe, but my advice is to get some outside help. Maybe a group in your area, or a counselor. You are talking about fundamental dynamics which not only affect your children but your marriage and relationship. Communication is vital between husband and wife or partners. Your life will be so much richer if you can get on the same track now.
I say this from experience. Before you know it you will be dealing with teenage issues, and those can be very destructive if you are not a good team.
Good luck !

Hi C. - Can't tell you what will work for you or not, nor wave a magic wand and make things better - yet,.......<I will cut what I can, if you have questions just e-mail directly.> I will give you the same suggestion I give the older children. MAKE A LIST [we call it our decision list, pro/con – makes up your mind on what you should/shouldn’t do].
Decided what needs work <make the list, have hubby make one to if he will> – Then sit down with hubby and talk about how you want to handle it / how he wants to handle it ~ using both ways find something that works for both of you. As the children get older they WILL find a way to fight one parent against another. Trust me, at 3 our little one figured it out!! Looking at your list make sure you know what your “TOP” items are – give in to some of the little things <battles> and win “the war” by compromising and knowing what you want. Best of luck.

My husband and I are very different in our parenting style as well. He is gone every other week for 4 days with his company and we always have conflicts, especially when he returns because I get comfortable with my own way of doing things and then he changes it up. I have found, after a whole lot of soul searching, that the most important thing for my children is that we model harmony and that the children do not separate us on issues. Children will grow up and move out, but our marriage relationship is forever. Far more important than the various techniques and styles of parenting, is a child's environment being peaceful, harmonious, and cheerful. Marriage is about give and take, but sometimes, one person has to do more giving than taking. That doesn't make you a doormat or martyr, it makes you focused on the most important thing- your relationship with your spouse. I also think that when you disagree with him and are constantly pulling to do things as you think best, it teaches children to do the same thing with you and their future spouse. As old-fashioned and unpopular as it is, the idea that their is only one coach on a team and everyone has to work together under the coaches' direction or the team falls apart can be a good analogy for marriage... and I have a few friends who pulled for their own way so much that their husbands just washed their hands of the situation and became distant and uninterested in offering any input. Neither your way or your husband's is going to be very effective at the same time. If you try to help your husband implement his way, and there are issues, maybe he will see that things you were doing did work better and be more willing to try your ideas. But children are happier with harmonious parents and when there is an understood code of behaviour and consequences. It gives them stability and security.

I would agree with Rebecca R in that presenting a united front is of the utmost importance. I say that even though my husband and I don't always manage it, but it is what we strive for. We also have very different styles and in the same way you do- I am softer and more of a talker and he is quick to hand out punishments and faster to lose his patience. What I have tried to do is to step back and watch more: how do the kids react? What are the results of his methods? Sometimes, I have to admit, that though it isn't how I would have handled it, there are times he gets better results. And when I really feel it is his bad day at work talking and his discipline is not fair, I try to talk to him about it when the kids aren't listening and see if we can compromise. Sometimes he steps back and sometimes he convinces me he was right. As long as you don't fear for your kids physical safety, you may benefit from his ability to come down harder than you do.

I think maybe your bigger problem is not that you and your husband parent in different ways, but that he won't discuss it or compromise with you. I have come to believe that two different parenting styles is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are still working together. Two people bring different things to a marriage, to any job and sometimes it's nice to have someone who is willing to play the "bad cop." But I think you're husband's refusal to listen to your side needs to be addressed. You are a partnership and you both need to be heard. This is an important issue and he should be willing to at least consider your feelings. Maybe if you come to the table with a willingness to compromise and see some value in his approach, he will be able to do the same. But it seems to me this is what you should focus on, and perhaps the rest will follow. Good Luck!