Classic Siblings

Hi M.,

It sounds like you have a very frustrating situation on your hands. You want your boys to show each other affection and this message can be hard to get across to them while they are so young. With your boys being so close in age, I think that the root of your problem lies with jealousy. The older boy had you all to himself at first and in comes this other one (this may be how he sees it) and took his place. Now he is fighting for some attention and doesn't want much to do with his younger brother.

I took a parenting class here in Charlottesville last year to help my husband and I get custody of my two stepdaughters. One suggestion that the instructor had for everyone is that each parent should spend 15 minutes a day with each child as individual time for that child. During this time, you should allow the child to lead and focus your attention on him only. Do it one child at a time and make this a daily ritual if you can. It really is a small sacrifice, to set aside 30 minutes a day, for your children. Tell him this is his 15 minutes and you can play whatever he wants to play. Make sure their father is there to take the other for this time so you can focus on the one child at a time. Make sure this time is fun time, where you don't fuss much about anything, just try to have fun with him. I think this will make him feel more validated, and less like his little brother took everything away from him.

I am also a fan of the show Suppernanny. I like to watch it for tips on great ways to discipline my child. Maybe time out would help when your son acts kind of mean to the younger boy. I think the key to effective time out is explaining it to them once, then following through, keeping them in time out for the number of minutes that their age is, for example the two year old should go in time out for 2 minutes, without getting up. If he does get up you should put him back without saying anything more to him about it until he sits there for the entire 2 minutes. He will get it eventually. Children appreciate being disciplined because it makes them feel loved and that someone cares enough about how they act to correct them. So try to remember that when he is throwing a fit the first time you try time out. After time out if finished, explain he whole thing to him one more time and reassure him that you love him and need him to act right.

I hope these suggestions help you. Good luck!

Sharing is very hard, especially at these young ages, they don't understand empathy and neither of them understands the concept that if you feel bad because you want the toy and can't have it, that your brother will feel that bad if he doesn't have it. You really can't teach this yet, children at this age really don't understand that their actions affect other people in that way. You're older son may start to understand this in the next year if you're lucky. As far as the 2nd thing, this is from personal experience, prior to having my son, I really didn't like to be touched. You could not just hug me unless I came for it, it literally made me feel like my skin was crawling, it was a very uncomfortable feeling for me. People really were concerned that I wouldn't hold my baby enough because that intimate contact was such a problem for me, (turned out not the case at all, I am 100X more affectionate now). So, my best advice is to try to tell your older son that on special times he should give his brother a hug, so his brother feels special around his older brother, making it on your older son and focusing on what a great big brother this makes him. Then when you're younger son wants contact other than that you'll have to step in. Then try to work on ways for your older son to show his little brother he's special. I read the other responses, and you can try the smock thing, but my parents did that because I was so bad around my brothers, but it didn't help, I really just felt confined and irritated. Some of us are just like that, but don't worry, he can have a happy, loving relationship without it!! Best of luck and feel free to contact me if you want to talk more!

on touching:
If your oldest feels that strongly about being touched, I think that his wishes should be respected. You are his only full-time advocate in the world, and he needs to know that you are there to help and protect him. At the same time, you can begin to teach him that there are nicer ways of conveying what he wants (not only in this situation, but in most situations). He needs to learn to "use his words" with his little brother, as opposed to shoving him ("Please don't hug." Or "I don't like that" is probably fine for now).

You can also begin to convey to the younger child that his brother doesn't like being touched like that. People are different, and there are other ways of bonding. Adults tend to find it adorable when little children grab them for a hug or kiss...but in the real world, such advances usually aren't considered all that cute. Your oldest may have a rather sophisticated sense of his boundaries and his desires, or may simply be unique or quirky -- either way, he is entitled to his personality. And the younger child may benefit from this lesson as well. Not everyone adores a sticky hug and kiss from a baby/toddler (even when they do share DNA). There are other ways of expressing affection, and you can teach your oldest to express his affection with words, for instance, if that makes him more comfortable. A hug between siblings is nice. But not necessarily nicer than a simple, "I love you."

on sharing:
It sounds like you are doing a terrific job! If one child has a toy first, it is his until he's finished playing with it -- or until he volunteers to exchange it. I think it's great that you are trying to enforce that dynamic.

I don't believe in the "timer theory". It sounds fair at first blush, but the reality is that if one child manages to create an interesting activity for himself, another child -- if permitted -- will almost always want to steal it. This discourages both children from creating elaborate play. The creator is discouraged, because he knows his work will be taken, and the taker is also discouraged and lacks incentive, because he needn't bother to create anything.

Sounds like your instincts are excellent. Trust them! Best luck!

Sharing is hard for little ones. I didn't read all the way to the bottom but I can say I have been in this battle of sitting on top of my son and the little girl I watch for a while. Sharing they just don't get it and self controll is harder for boys than girls. Burt my son is 4 months younger than the little girl so she has been taught to wait or trade. If she snatched it is always asked to be given back then taken out of her hand if not will to give back. Then once he is done with the toy I say your turn Bradley is done. Or we find a toy he really likes and see if he might trade. Is che crying when this happens. YES sometimes. Probablly 99% of the time in the beging but now she is learning to wait her turn. Sharing is a comcept not learned until their 3 year

First of all, at almost 3 years old, children are not capable of the abstract thinking to make moral judgments based on an internal feeling of the right thing feeling good. While children this age can show empathy for another child's feelings, this usually only occurs when an adult points out the other child's feelings to the child (Peewee is sad when you take toys from him), or if the child is crying. Children this age are egocentric, which means that if he wants the toy, he will feel good when he gets it, he does not rationalize his brother's feelings when he takes the toy from him.

I also would not expect willfully sharing to occur immediately. This will be an ongoing situation. There are several things you can try. When my boys were younger and they both wanted the same toy, we took turns by using the timer on the stove. I would set the timer for 2 or 3 minutes, and they learned that when the buzzer went off, it was time to give it to their brother. Now that they are 3 and 4, we work on asking the other person for a turn, and the one playing with the toy will say that he can have it in 3 minutes. Sometimes they will ask me to turn on the timer, sometimes they will work it out themselves, but we do still have the issue of fighting over a toy.

You sound like you're doing a great job and you just need to have patience. You have a 3-year-old and 15-month old who are in training. Teaching does not yield instantaneous results. Your children are learning. Give them time to learn boundaries. (There are adults who have not mastered these concepts of sharing and empathy and natural affection.) Your sons are too young to fully get what you are doing. But, give them time. You might want to give your oldest some alone time as a reward for spending time with his baby brother, and time that to coincide with 15-month-old's naptime. Maybe your 3-year-old can have an extra 5 minutes alone with a beloved toy he shared before he has to take a nap, too. There are privileges to being the eldest in a family, along with the responsibility.

Oh it sounds like my kids. My dd just turned 3 and my son is 22months. I taught my dd to just trade w/ her brother when they were younger and that worked really well. But now my son is older and doesnt go for trading. So now I have to untrain my dd and explain to her that her brother doesnt want to trade anymore and that she will have to wait until he is done w/ the toy. I "wait" w/ her, because it is usually a 1-2min. wait. It teaches her patience in little bits. This of course does NOT happen when I am not around. It is hands on learning.
About the touch thing: I understand you want to respect how each of your children are. But is it possible that your older son is just being picky. Or is he "no touch" w/ everyone? If he is just being picky, then explain that his brother is showing love and help him accept it but move on quickly to something else. It is probably just a stage as well. If he has "no touch" issues I would still do the same thing: explain its love and let the hug happen, then move on. Hopefully he will adjust and be ok w/ it seeing its a good thing to get hugs.

Hi M.,

Let the older boy be himself without making him feel ashamed or punished for his actions towards his younger brother.

The younger boy needs to learn to accept his older brother's wishes.

You are doing a great job parenting. Your children are too young to understand about relationships. They will in time.

Watch over them as you are doing and allow each to express themselves as independent little beings as they are.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Hi M.,
As far as the younger one not sharing or letting go of the toy that the older one wants, we are going through the same thing. I have my son find two toys that his sister would like, then she has to put down the toy in question to get both of the new ones. My son says 'Give to brother..' Sometimes she says no, but most of the time she'll hand it to him so she can get the new toys. Don't make a big deal about it, most of the time, the younger one will lose interest quickly and the older one just needs to wait 2 mins.

As for the touching and hugging issue, that's a tough one. What you could try is having your son wear a smock. Then when the little one hugs him, his touching the smock, not him. As for the hand holding, perhaps making the older one understand that its just becuase he's a super special big brother, that the little one wants to be close.
M.