I Don't Own My Child's Body

I think someone posted this yesterday. Kind of begs the question why is this news?

Most parents don't force their children to hug or kiss people. We require them to say hello and goodbye in whatever style they prefer.

Forcing a child to hug/kiss an adult if they don't want to is a bad message to teach. I learned this years ago. An adult should be able to understand when a child does not want to hug and kiss them, they are adults. If you force the child to hug/kiss when they don't want to aren't you teaching them that unwanted touching is ok?

I have never forced my daughter to hug or kiss anyone against her wishes! It IS her body. Why in the world would any adult REQUIRE a hug or kiss from a child?

I'm stunned that this is news.

I haven't read all the responses, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating someone. I have always believed that children and animals have a "sense" of who they trust, like, etc... Never force your child to hug, kiss, or be affectionate with those they don't want to engage with. This is the way we learn to listen to our "inner senses" and if you make them disregard this instinct, it leaves them more vulnerable. I've never forced my children to "hug uncle Bob" or "kiss aunt Sally", etc... If they don't want to, there's a reason. After all, as an adult, do you hug or kiss someone when pressured or don't want to?! No, of course not. :)

Here's the post from yesterday. Lots of good answers to read!

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/16300653792876232705

I can't imagine what a parent would have to be thinking to force their child to hug or kiss someone.

It reminds me of last Christmas when I took our daughter to see santa for the first time. There was a couple in front of me who had a tollder who was crying and they were bribing her with a trip to the candy store if she would sit on Santa's lap. I was stunned.

I wouldn't force my child to do Hug/kiss anyone.

I don't force my kids to hug and kiss anyone. What is that teaching the kid? That if someone wants to hug and kiss you, and you don't want to, then it's ok for them to do it anyway?

Yeah, not something I want to teach my kids.

As I already mentioned in the other extensive thread about this, I NEVER force my children to kiss or hug ANYONE else. There is never, ever a time when someone else's sense of politeness is more important than a child's personhood. I don't care who you are or what the situation, no child or teen or adult should be forced or feel forced to show physical affection to someone else. It's rude to expect it. I went into some of my reasoning in the other thread so I won't bother here.

This is article seems to be right on the money to me. I do not force my child to hug or kiss anyone.

Kids need to have their desires respected, just as we expect them to respect our wishes. If DH or I is tickling or wrestling w/ DS and he says stop, even if he's laughing, then we stop. Just as we teach him that if we say no to a touch, then he has to respect it, too (ie, when he grabs my neck too hard or something).

In my opinion it is wrong to force a child to show affection to people out of niceness....
Would anyone like it if we were told we had to kiss and hug everyone we saw and met? I don't think so.
Think down the line, if a little girl was taught to hug and kiss everyone out of niceness and not because she wanted to....picture her going on a date and not saying no to sex becasue she didn't know how to say no. It may be a stretch but its a thought.

I'm so glad to read all these answers. My husband's family does this (kids must kiss/hug) everyone. My two girls are kind of reserved, and I don't make them do it. Saying hello, good-bye, thank you, etc. verbally is enough, if that's what they're comfortable with.

No I hate when people do that. I never make my son do it, and it bothers me when people try anyways when he doesn't want to.

Did people ever think that I'M the one who doesn't want a kiss from YOUR kid?Not that I dont love whoever's kid I am around, but I dont necessarily want them to be forced to kiss me if I dont want it either.

Right on the money. I agree. Forcing someone to touch or be touched by someone else isn't cool, and sends a subtle message to children. It's easy to avoid, and an adult needs to be mature enough to deal with the fact.

I never forced my kid to kiss or hug anyone she did not want to.

I don't make my kids hug people they don't want to. The only exception is my mom - I know she loves hugs from them. Otherwise it's their choice. I have a large extended family and their aunts and cousins are always looking for hugs because they are so loved.

However, I don't think it's so cut and dry. I think children need to be taught by their parents appropriate and inappropriate touching. I don't think that not making your child hug someone is going to save them from a predator or over zealous boyfriend. I think what will save them is lots of discussion about what is appropriate and not appropriate, that giving auntie or grandma a hug because we love each other is different than a man touching you and making your uncomfortable.

Communication, being involved in our kids lives, and age appropriate honesty is the way to keep your kids safe. Not avoiding hugs from family members who love us and mean us no harm. That being said, I agree that a child should not be FORCED to hug someone they don't want to.

I will never make my child hug or kiss anyone.

I don't think it's good to force hugs and kisses.
If YOU do these things with friends and relatives, your child will copycat that affection on his/her own when he/she FEELS it.

My in-laws like to kiss on the lips. So not what I'm used to. We live very close to my parents, and my in-laws live a couple of hours away so we don't see them as often. I've hear my SIL tell my sons to kiss her and when the go for her cheek she'll say, "Not on the cheek, the mouth!" and demand that from them. They adore her and know that she can be quite bold so they are ok with just going with it. The first time she did that I was really caught of guard and didn't know what to do. I would have said something, but the boys both reacted like, "Oh, that's right. Silly Aunt B, she likes to kiss on the mouth!"

I am not ok with forcing a child to hug or kiss. They can learn to be polite and say hello or goodbye or thank you for coming or I had a great time. But I don't think requiring physical affection is necessary. That should be voluntary.

I think she is absolutely right. I hated being pressured to hug and kiss relatives when I was little. My son (6) is expected to shake hands and make eye contact when he meets someone. Completely up to him if he wants to hug or give a kiss. Why would I want my child to think an adult has the right to force him to kiss or touch?

Wow, I've never forced my kids to kiss or hug anyone either. Maybe someone wants to interview me...

I tell my kids to "give love" when we are leaving. That can mean a hug and kiss, or a simple "love you, goodbye!"

Thank you for posting this and sharing the article. Just yesterday my daughter (age 5) playfully hid behind the door and giggled when my mom leaned down to kiss her good-bye. I said something along the lines of, "oh, are you going to wish you gave Mom-mom a kiss after we're already gone?" I didn't think of it as forcing her to kiss her grandmom, but the information shared here really has me thinking about the long term lessons she is learning when I encourage her to kiss/hug to please me, or another relative. I would rather send the message that her body belongs to her and she has the right to choose who she wants to show affection to in that way.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/16300653792876232705

Here is a discussion we had yesterday about this same topic. If Mamapedia had a better search engine you could have done a search to join in vs start a new one!

Yes I read it.
My friend sent me the articles.
Good for her.

from the other side of the coin:

my friend forces her kids to hug/kiss me and my family when we leave... I can't stand it, because I feel like I'm being forced on him when he doesn't want to hug or kiss me. I never know what to do or say because I don't want to act like I don't want his hugs but I don't want to disrespect his wishes either... awkward! I usually just say "that's okay you can hug me next time if you want" or "oh, don't worry, he's just trying to set his own boundaries" or something like that, but she usually ends up making him. And I really don't think that he doesn't want to hug me it's just that he doesn't want to stop playing with his toys, I know I don't take it personally! But that is probably just what she was taught to do when she was little, and it is my understanding that she was abused by a family member, so you would think she would be more sensitive, but I guess not.

I've never forced me kids to hug anyone, but there were times when my kids were very afraid for their Grandmother and I had to be very careful because she would get very upset (she has mental health issues so not a normal situation) most of the time I've been able to get them to hug her after spending a few minutes visiting with her first. But it has always been their choice to say yes or no. I also don't expect them to hug someone that I wouldn't hug first!!!

I didn't read the whole thing - I'm not buying it