Child Feeling Not Loved

If you read the paper, magazines or books and see articles, cartoons or quotes, cut them out (or make a copy from the book) and leave it for that child. Tell them it reminds you of them..

I love the idea of rotating who has the honor of running errands with you.

I am sure you already do this, but every once in a while tell each child what you admire about them as an individual and what they bring to the family.

My mom (I felt) had to really give a lot of attention to my sister. She was spirited (polite way to say high maintenance) child that really needed lots of attention.. Every once in a while I would need some reassurance I was still noticed. My mom would tell me she was seeing all of the things I was doing to stay out of all of the drama (sister) and to keep from taking away from that and she appreciated that I was so independent. She would also point out my accomplishments, which I was not always sure she knew about. It only took a few moments, while we cooked, or carried the groceries in, folded cloths, whatever. made a huge impact on my self confidence and let me know that when you love someone, there are times we are really busy, but we are still aware of the other person at all times..

This has helped me in our marriage when I realized we had not had an actual conversation with my spouse in days or weeks.while our child was young..

At this point, you can't do anything but talk. Continue to talk to her and express to her how much you love her and how happy she made you when she came into your life (lives). Go through her picture albums or start putting one together with her so you can revisit those moments.

I have seen this, "I'm not loved" thing in my own daughter and many of my nieces, at various ages.

If your 7 year old out of the blue without anything else going on says she feels not wanted or loved, I would have her talk to a counselor. I started showing signs of depression when I was 8 (including trying to stab myself) so she isn't too young.

***Update*** Wow after reading your previous posts and all the issues you have with your daughter I really think you need to see a therapist. You, yourself stated that you think she may be bipolar---please get her treatment. It is horrible thing for not just the rest of the family to live with but more so for her! If her current therapist isn't doing anything then it is time to change!

middle-child syndrome! do ANYthing you have to to spend some alone time with her (put it on the calendar if you have to). Special one-on-one attention is the best way to make your child feel loved. MAKE it happen. you have to for her sake. most moms don't have it so lucky for our kids to tell us EXACTLY what they need, like that. take her cues and fix it. you have it in your power.

Dear S.,
I think the main thing to do is just really communicate with your daughter. I don't know why, but many kids sometimes question if they are really loved.
You say that she is your middle child. It may not be anything that you have said or done. Often middle children feel like they aren't as special but it's usually because of their own perceptions. It may be she feels, "The oldest one is confident and gets to do more things. The youngest one is the "baby" and gets more attention and gets away with more things. Where does that leave me?"
Talking to your daughter about what it is that makes her feel unloved or unwanted might help you get to the bottom of it and help her to see all the things that she IS loved for. The things that make her special to you.

I know it can be hurtful when kids say things like "I wish you weren't my mother", but they don't really mean it. I was pretty strict with my kids and my daughter told me more than once she wished so and so's mom was her mom instead. The truth is, she wouldn't have traded me for anything. And, if I had a dollar for all the times I told my kids I was going to sell them to the Gypsies, I'd be a very wealthy woman. I didn't want rid of them anymore than they might want rid of me on a given day. My children and I were like the 3 Mustketeers.
I don't think that we "prove" our love. At least that's not how we should go about it. We SHOW our love.
Whether it's true or not, your daughter just may feel like she gets lost in the middle sometimes. Maybe she needs more hugs and some reassurance.
She may feel she's a little too old for it, but maybe cuddle up with her just before bedtime and read her "The Runaway Bunny". Just the two of you.
It's such an awesome book and it shows that no matter what is said, a Mom never gives up loving her kid.

Just keep communicating with her.
I wish you the best.

I had a friend that was a Mom of 5 and I stole an idea from her. I asked her, back when I only had two, how she made each child feel special and gave them each attention -- she told me it was little things. She rotated which child she took with her to the grocery store, or other errands. Time alone with each child. She would talk to them, alone while on the errand. Get a temperature check about life, how they are feeling, school, anything else that happened to come up. Just that small action - helped keep her close with all 5 kids.

You could always take that a little further and actually have plans with each child alone. A movie, lunch out alone, etc.

From the way you said you snapped back - it sounds like she said it during a fight? If not, I agree with other Moms that counseling may be the best action. Depression is a real concern, I am also close to a family that lost a child to suicide. I would take feelings of isolation and pain seriously.

Good luck Mom, let us know what works for you.

I know you told your 7 year old you were sorry about what you said, but if you have not be sure you also tell her something like, "Sometimes when people get their feelings hurt they say things they don't mean. I felt sad that you think I don't love you and I said something I did not mean. That was a mistake and that's why I apologized. I did not mean what I said I just said that because my emotions got too big and my feelings were hurt." You want to be clear you are not just apologizing to be polite.

Next, your daughter probably just said that because she didn't like something you asked her to do. Do you think that is true? This is a normal thing for kids to say when they are mad or frustrated. If you love your daughter and take care of her and respect her then you have already "proved" your love. Don't get into a "pacifying" mode. If you feel the need spend a little special time alone with your daughter, and if she every says something like that again say something like this instead...."I'm sorry you feel that way because I love you very much." Make that your mantra and leave it at that.

I have gone through and continue to go through this with my daughter. She is also my middle child. It is not something that can be fixed once and be done with. You have to talk to her when both of you are calm and try and pick up on how she feels. Try watching her and seeing if she acts out during certain times. Sometimes my daughter acts this way because she needs attention. She has an older brother and a younger sister. Her brother can be a little tough on her and for some reason he has more patience with the baby (she is six today). My middle one is 8 and her brother is 13. Sometimes they need to be separated and I have to pick up on it right away. If they aren't getting along I will put them together and tell them they have to work it out or we're not going to do xyz (something they all would like to do). Tell her you love her all the time- create special times even if it is just letting her help you make dinner. If good things are coming up- remind her of that. Address serious moments but find ways to make her laugh and sometimes you can make light of things. The biggest thing is to find out what the root of the problem is and remind her you can't help unless you know what is bothering her. Good luck.
D.

My initial recommendation is to suggest The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. Essentially, all of us have different ways that we best receive love: touch, words of affirmation, time, acts of service, and gifts that communicate a close knowledge of the person recceiving them. Sometimes kids know they are loved but they don't really "feel" loved because a parent may be communicating in a different way. For example, the parent may spend time, but if the child's promary "love language" is words of affirmation and the parent never says encouraging words, then the child may not "feel" loved.
Reading your other posts, I do need to say however that I your family needs family counseling. If the services that you are getting are not helping, please keep trying to get something else-- ask your doctor, church, school, etc. where you can get family-based counseling. You need support to be the best parent that you can be!

Don't be too hard on yourself, we all say things that we regret. Your daughter knows what you said is not true and she will soon forget about it. You are obviously a very loving mom. Once when my son was around the same age as your daughter he was acting very fresh and he told me he wished that he had a different mother and that he didn't like me or something like that and I told him to get in the car and we would go find another family for him. I remember he said "o.k.". Of course we did not go anywhere and by dinner time he forgot about the whole thing.

Hi S.,

You've gotten some geat advice, but if you find that you need to talk to someone, I know an amazing Child and Family Coach who could work with you and your daughter. Her website is www.childandfamilycoaching.com. I hope everything works out. That sounds like a really tough situation.

You need to tell her she is loved and wanted or you would not have had her. Are you other two kids boys or girls? May be you can go our with just her and do something together. That may help her feel better. Sometimes, it is a cry for attention. Sometimes, we all get moody. Girls are more high maintenance then boys. Good luck

i have one of them tooo i have to treat her different then the rest.

Deep down she does know it. But needs to keep checking and finding ways to push you to your limit to see if you still love her - Even when she's a handful.

I like to drop little notes for my 3rd grader. Sometimes I leave them on the bathroom mirror, sometimes in his backpack, etc. Nothing sappy - Usually silly. But it reminds him when I am not there that I am thinking about him.

Hi, S.:

Sounds like you have a manipulator in training.
Had you thought about going to Co-Dependents Anonymous support
group meeting.

check out the web: www.coda.org

Check out the characteristics and see if any fit.
Good luck. D.