Three Year Old Self-esteem

In my opinion.... it's the drama queen in her. haha! You are NOT failing her. I had a little drama queen. Some kids just seem to come with that built in. I think she knows it bothers you and it gets her attention. If she was mine, when she said that, I'd just tell her, "you know that's not true, so stop saying it." Say it in a 'you know better than that' voice. And then go on. Act like it doesn't bother you at all that she's saying it. She'll stop, if it doesn't get her any added attention. Kids are wonderful, but many times.. perplexing. You just have to learn to roll with the punches. I had 4 kids (now grandma to 4) and #3 was my drama queen. She's married now.. and still is very dramatic. She calls herself 'the fun one' ... and she is. :o) So look forward to the fun to come!

When our son(3) gets in trouble we explain why he wasn't supposed to what he did, blah blah blah, but then when we're done, we always tell him we love him and then give him a hug and make him put his arms around us and really give each other a hug. I also, make him look me in the eyes when I tell him I love him, so I know he actually hears me.

Have you heard of "The Five Love Languages"? The original was geared towards couples, but there is now one out for children. The basic concepts are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service. The book says that children under 5 need all of them, that they don't actually develop their own love language until around age 5. I've been studying it in Sunday School and it's surprising to hear some of the stories from other partents.

For example, if your daughter's love language is Words of Affirmation she may only hear the negative when she's being corrected/disciplined. Even telling her over and over how much you love her won't get through when she's being disciplined. My son does something similar with me. I've had to make sure I explain to him that I love him no matter what - his actions are what I don't like. He (I think) understands now that it's his choice to make good choices and have good consequences, or bad choices and have bad consequences. Ultimately it's completely up to him how we spend our time - in time out or doing something fun. Giving him the "control" seems to go easier in our home.

I hope this helps - I know how frustrating it can be having this tiny person being able to completely drive you crazy! :)

My daughter is 3 and was doing the same thing for a while. It was a stage she went through. I just made sure to tell her when her time out was over that no matter what she does, Daddy and I will always love her. She understands now that while I don't love the behavior, I still love her. Good luck!

It sounds like she has found something that gets to you and is trying to get the attention off the discipline/misbehavior. I would not react to these statements and would continue discplining as you always have. You are obviously giving her plenty of affirmations throughout the day--the fact that it only occurs during correction points to trying to get out of the consequences you have set up. If you keep ignoring it and acting like it doesn't bother you, she'll realize that the tactic isn't working (though may very likely come up with another!). Best of luck to you!

Some people, children included, don't respond to just words but need you to spend time to mean love to them or a small gift or something that to them is an act of love. You need to see if you can find what your kids each feel is showing love along with the words.
Also, I know some kids will use this 'You don't love me' when they are disciplined because they are very good at knowing what upsets you. I would always tell her you love her after discipline and that she is being disciplined for what she did ( the act ). Tell her before the discipline that you love her but not what she did. Because you love her you want her to learn to do right.
It's a job being a parent. Right?

Hi N.,

I have 2 little girls. One is 8, and the other is 6. My 8yo never wants to cuddle, kiss me, etc. She never says "I love you" even though I tell her all of the time. I can't decide if she is just very secure of if she just doesn't feel it. I personally want to believe that she is very secure because she is such a sweet-natured child in most other aspects.

My 6yo on the other hand constantly tells me she loves me and questions my love for her--especially after she get into trouble. She is my snuggler and hugger. Whenever she asks if I love her, I always tell her I will love her no matter what, and her daddy will too. If she has done something wrong and she asks me, I always tell her that I love her but sometimes I do not like her actions. Then we talk about her actions, and I always end with a hug, kiss, and a I love you.

I don't believe that your 3yo is trying to be drama queen. I also don't agree with being condescending towards her or any 3yo when she asks the question because that can make her feel stupid. Just reaffirm your statement of love for her and make her feel as secure as possible. She may grow out of this, and she may not. Like I said, my 6yo still asks me, and I am glad to tell her.

Take care!

J.

She may be rebelling because she is the oldest and not that you are doing it on purpose, you may be showing the other two children more attention only because that is what they require due to their age. So if you are not doing this already, whenever you do things for the smaller children, let the older one help and make it seem as though their helping you was amazing. Then sometimes just do something with that child, just you and the child. It could be nothing more than coloring and then hanging the pictures up together while the other children are sleep. Little people, which is what I call toddlers and small children, play on our intelligence and we are sometimes blind to it. They sometimes feel lonely or left out and don't know why or how to express it, so that is what they do rebel. Please don't stop disciplining your child. Continue to the way you have in the past because you and the child will benefit from it later. Children want to be disciplined even though they make us feel different when we are doing it. I hope this helps.

I am the mother of two adult boys age 26 and 22. I have a 5 year old granddaughter who I have all the time so I feel all of your concerns.

After being punished my father would explain I did this because I LOVE YOU, I want you to grow up and obey laws and rules that will be there forever. I dont mean to hurt your feeling but I am trying to correct you and sometimes you will not like it. My mommy and daddy had to do this to me too. Good luck.

It sounds like she has figured out how to get to you. Kids are very smart and perceptive. She knows how to get to your heart. Remind her that you love her but you don't like what she is doing. Don't allow her to change the subject or focus in order to get out of being disciplined.

Hi N.,

My son is 6 and he used to do the same thing about 5 months ago. Whenever he did something wrong or got sent to time out, he would say that I hated him. I tried saying that i still loved him but he wouldn't listen and just kept saying that I hated him. I finally stopped arguing with him and when he was calm and we talked about why he was in time out I would tell him that I still loved him no matter what he did. It seems that when he was calm and could actually listen to me he believed me. I also told him that it wasn't a nice word to say. That it hurt other peoples feelings when we use that word so we have been trying not to use the word hate for anything. It seems to work because he hasn't said I hated him and he doesn't use the word hate, he'll say that he doesn't like something instead. Good luck and dont take it personal, you never know where they hear things like this and they really don't fully understand the meaning of the word at 3. Good luck!

D.