Cant Seem to Reconnect with My 6 Year Old Daughter After

This is tough, and a very vulnerable age. If you can at all do it, even if once or twice/month, I would try counseling with the two of you as you don't want this to get too far out of hand.

Sounds like you've argued your case to her repeatedly, and she isn't able to hear it. That may be because she hasn't had her feelings supported well enough. It won't work to tell her she shouldn't think the way she does, or all the good reasons you have for not reuniting with her daddy. It won't even work to tell her how much you love her, as long as she's not convinced of it.

Please try the approach outlined in the wise book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions.

The book is a pleasure to read, very easy to understand, and it coaches you along a little at a time. It's filled with cartoon examples of what not to say, and what works better. You can probably find it at the library, but you will want to invest in your own copy, so you can make notes and dog-ear pages.

But one of the most essential ideas it presents is that children have a right to their feelings. If you listen thoughtfully and let them simply know you hear and empathize, they can suddenly begin to find resolution, and ways to move forward emotionally. I use this approach with my 4.5yo grandson when he's having bad days, and it is remarkable how eager he is to be happy once he's been heard.

Your heart is aching. So is your daughter's. Family breakups are hard. My best to you both.

I don't think this will end soon - as least it hasn't in my case. I've been divorced from my daughter's father since she was 2 and when she turned 5 or 6 suddenly she started staying she wanted us to be together. I think it took that long for her to become articulate enough to express her feelings. One of the things I did was to be very frank and honest with her by saying "I understand how you feel, but your your father and I will never get back together. The only thing you need to know is that we both love you very much." It sounds harsh but letting her think that there's some hope to get back together is probably much worse. Even now at 10, my daughter will still sometimes say this (and I've now been remarried for almost 3 years). Now that she's a little older, I can say to her that her father and I didn't get along and that even though she can't see it now her life is much happier than it would have been had we stayed together. I'll never get into details with her about our relationship because I feel it's not her business nor is it relevant to her. Even though he has done hurtful things to me, I wouldn't ever want to have a hand in turning her against him. I think your best bet would be to be honest with her about the situation.

Counseling might not be a bad idea, either. My daughter participated in a weekly program at school for kids who were having similar issues. Maybe you could see if your daughter's school has a similar program.

What is your response when she makes these comments to you? I think its important to acknowledge how she feels and sympathize with her and make sure that she knows that you understand how badly she feels and that you know how much she loves her dad. Have you thought about getting her counseling?

:( it's a phase. I went through it with my mom she divorced my dad when I was about seven . She is just still so young so her mind probly won't grasp the fact that this is how it s her mind is still one track. Maybe if you find special time for you and her without anyone else around she will realize you are awesome Nd the greatest mommy ever. It could be as simple as watching a movie and picking out her favorite candy at a store:) hope all goes well :))

She is not old enough to understand the reasons why you left him. All she knows is she loves you both, and fantacises about the two of you in a loving relationship together again. I put my daughter in counselling for almost three years when my husband and I divorced. she went to a counselor who did play therapy. It helped alot! She could express her feelings and heartache to someone other that myself, and worked on appropriate ways to channel her anger. The only explanation you need to give a six year old is this, "Mommy and Daddy love you very much, but Mommy and Daddy will do a much better job at being you mom and dad living in seperate houses. Nothing is your fault, it was big people problems. I will tell you when you are older." Then zip it! Don't bash her dad. Remember how much she loves him. Hearing hurtful words out of your mouth about him, will only hurt her, and drive her away from you by her desire to protect her father.
Take care, and give her lots of love!

i doubt there is any explanation that will cause a light-bulb moment and have her just get it and quit asking. it's something she's working through and it will take her a long time to wrap her head around it, so your role is to support her and let her do exactly that. not easy for you, for sure. as difficult as this must be for you, it's VERY positive that she is verbalizing her feelings to you. try to be stoic and not be wounded by her attacks. it says much about your mothering skills that she knows you are a safe place to express her anger and confusion. and i applaud you for keeping the fact of how he treated you from her and allowing her to love him simply and honestly.
at 6 years old it is way too much responsibility for her to be able to prevent you from having fun or being happy. keep doing the excellent job you have been doing with her, and work on bolstering up your own inner core of strength so that this little girl isn't able to knock you around emotionally. she's not being manipulative, she's just figuring things out for herself. be her strong anchor while she does so.
good luck!
khairete
S.

It is hard to be a child of divorce. Parents who divorce sever the tie with each other. Children can't do that....they live with it the rest of their lives.

Children cannont disconnect from the 2 families from which they have been torn, forever.

All I can say, as a child of divorce, is to love her, TALK to her, and possibly seek counsel or some divorce recovery group. My family was torn apart and the hurt never goes away.

IMHO you need professional guidance to deal with this situation - and if it were me I'd get help ASAP.

It is possible that your ex is attempting to alienate your child from you. Typically alienation is seen from the custodial parent, but that is not always the case. You may want to research parental alienation.

Whether alienation is happening or not - professional counseling will help you navigate this situation in a way that is beneficial for your daughter. She really needs you and this situation sounds concerning.

Good luck.

I really don't know any good advice to give except maybe go to a counselor. They may know how to deal with this situation. My heart goes out to you both. Best of luck-

Gosh, all kids want their parents together, but this seems a little extreme to me. You don't think her father is saying stuff to her do you? I think that would be my concern. I mean she's 6. Telling you you don't love her because you won't get back together with daddy doesn't sound like typical 6 year old behavior to me. Not unless someone is telling her to say that or telling her that you don't love her if you won't be together with her father. I'd say some family counseling (with your ex perhaps) is in need here to get to the bottom of this. Let your daughter know that you will always love her daddy for giving you her, but that it just does not work when you are with him. And you are sorry, but that's the end of the story and you don't want her to bring it up again. It's okay for her to wish for you to be together again (I mean that's what kids do) but she needs to accept that it's just not going to happen. Mommy and Daddy were both unhappy when they were together and apart is much better for everyone. But I think some counseling would most definitely help here.

First she knows you love her and all children want their parents back together. She is taking her missing her dad in her daily life out on you. she knows you are the one who is there. Counceling is a great choice. While she should be allowed to state she misses her dad you should tell her she is not to be mean to you and you should firmly state this to her. Remember interview the councelor you choose and make sure they are a good fit for you and your daughter Good luck

She does get it, she is just trying to see how far she can push your buttons...honestly. She may not "fully" get the full extent of it, but she knows that you and daddy are not going to be back together. It may be her wishes and wants but she hears what you are saying and gets what they mean when you say them. My 7 year old went through a similar phase. Thankfully that's all it was, was a phase. But she knew exactly what she was asking and she already knew the answers too. I would suggest possibly getting her into some counseling. There very well could be different rules at both houses and if she doesn't seem him often, it may be very confusing for her to be at home, then go there and have everything different. For her not to hold resentment, always keep an open mind and heart, which I'm sure you do. She is just truly testing the waters and who knows, maybe your EX said something to her to start this off too..you just never know. But counseling would be a good idea so she can vent to a "neutral" party and possibly get some coping tools and skills for now and for in her future. :) Best of luck.