Hi Leanne,
This is a tough time in ALL of your lives. It's going to take time for each of you to adjust to the new life you are living. Be sure to do something good for yourself each time the kids are at their dads. This will help YOU relax and be ready for "the onslaught" when they return. Financially that may be tough, but try to think through things you like to do, even if it's free -- go for walks, anything that makes part of your weekend off "my time" and positive time. Something that will ease the stress and that you can't do with children in tow - or don't usually do with kids in tow.
Each time they swap homes, it's going to be tough. They are going to go through joy at being with Mom again, and grief processes from being separated from Dad. And my guess is that the same stuff is going at Dad's.
They are young and they don't necessarily have the words to explain how they are feeling, nor do they necessarily know how they are feeling. There's frustration, lonelinee, anger, sorrow, guilt, etc. They need to know that the divorce is not their fault. Nothing either of them did or didn't do cauesd the divorce, and there's nothing they can do to fix it. They need to know that Daddy loves them AND Mommy loves them, and because you both love them, you wanted to have joint custody.
When they come home, try to be sure that you don't have "other stuff' that has to be done. If you can drop everything when they get home and devote your time directly to them, that will help. Maybe do something active to ease the restlessness, even something so simple as a walk with the stroller for the 4 yr old. It'd ease some of the energy, and the younger one might fall asleep by the time you get home, so you could talk with your son.
You can say things like, "you seem angry." Or, "Are you angry?" Or, simply say, "I'm sorry you can't live with Mommy and Daddy at the same time." You can apologize to him that it hurts him, and maybe that will open the bottle and some of his emotions will come out -- tears, whatever. Hopefully in private, so he's not embarrassed.
There are also a number of books out that deal with divorce -- picture books. I would head to a book store and sit down to read them. In books, children and parents can express emotions in a controlled environment, cuz it's all scripted and you read it. Usually the books will talk about the initial emotions, and then end with the idea that it's okay nt to be at Daddy's, and at Mommy's, and I like being in both places. Be sure to READ them first, and think about what is being said. I've seen children's books say some of the most wonderful things, and I've seen kid's books that are horrifyingly awful ! One even said, "Daddy said, "Mommy wouldn't have left if she loved you." I was HORRIFIED with that one ! So READ THEM before you buy. (A good activity for your off time)
The other good thing about reading books about children of divorce is that it helps the kids to realize that they aren't the only ones. I found some books like that in the library, and we'd read them at bedtime, and my 5 yr old, whenshe got to pick the book to read, would always choose that one. It seemed to help comfort her.
By reading and figuring out if the books are good or not, you are also having time to digest the impact of divorce on you and on your kids, and even if you don't buy them, you are going to find yourself gaining simple words with which to discuss the situation with your children.
The more words you can put in the environment, so the kids feel free talking about their lives, and have words with which to do so, the easier the transition will be -- but it is still going to take time. And while all that is going on, you are simultaneously dealing with your own feelings of loss, rejection, etc.
If you want to talk to your ex and he's not talking, I would recommend at some point, sitting down and hand-writing a letter. (Does anyone do this anymore ?) if the letter isn't gentle enough, you can toss it and start over. Be sure to let him know that you are writing because you want to extend an olive branch, and you hope you guys can be something of a team in terms of raising the children. You both love them and want the best for them, and that in order to create environments in both your homes that will be good places for the kids to live, and to make the transition times easier, you two need to be able to communicate and work together to raise them. You want to be able to discuss problems with school, with friends, etc., so when the kids swap homes, the parents are clued in as to what's been going on. It's going to be tough, because at each of these transition points, you are both dealing with issues of loss, rejection, loneliness, anger, whatever, too --- but if you can find ways to be positive and kind to each other, and helpful to the children, life will get better . . . .
and be aware that the kids may be saying things they hear, and reacting to things that they get from elsewhere. I made a pact with myself never ever to say anything negative about their dad in front of my kids. And I was really good about it until they were teens, and deserved to know the "full story". Then I tried to be realistic with them, but not accusatory. They stil have a right to love their dad. But I couldn't control what other relatives said. It's really important to try to build some level of trust with your ex so that you guys can deal honestly with things that are said by others.
But don't expect trust to come quickly. The marriage fell apart for a reason, so you have to learn to build bridges first. Be kind, be respectful, be reasonable, be forgiving, and be flexible. There will be times you have to bite your tongue in front of him, and want to scream afterwards. That's okay. But your goal here is to build enough of a relaionship with each other that you can effectively raise healthy children.
I had friends who had joint custody. It was kind of fun, cuz my kids didn't have very many friends of divorced parents at the time. And we used to do stuff with Chris and his dad, and sometimes we did stuff with Chris and his mom. I loved them both ! And it helped my kids to have a friend whose parents didn't live together. It got hard for me at times -- but it was funny, too. Cuz she always told me litle stuff about him that she didn't like, but she always always told me he was a wonderful father. And on that note, I'll just say that -- it's good to emphasize the positive, even now, when you're feeling overwhelmed.
Time will help each one of you to learn to cope with the situation, and I'm sorry that it takes time. We'd like to see a cure happen quickly, and it doesn't. But the time you spend together working through this together is time in which you are building a family history of love together. Think of some things you can do that are special for "mommy times" -- we used to do the zoo, cuz we lived in Phila at the time, and make those things special. Other things that can help are to have special bedtime rituals, or something -- things that you do together, that you all enjoy, and can be a source of stories years from now. They build family cohesion -- something you may feel you need right now -- and if you need them, believe me, so do your kids !!
Good luck, Mom ! You'll get there, but it's a process, not a quick fix.
barb