Can't Get It

I can sort of relate, I am working 5 different part time jobs to make ends meet, and my husband works 2 (one full time, and one on sunday part time) we have two children ages 8 and 5. It is hard to find the balance, my daughter has some emotional issues, and with me working so much and being out everynight it was getting difficult, I cut down my days at the one part time job so I only work twice a month there now, so I am home a little more, we need the money, but my daughter needs me more, I try to make time for my husband by trying to have "alone time" we cant afford to go out, once a month, whether it be going to the grocery store together, or just being at home without the kids, we try to do that, I also try and make it that I spend at least 10 min a day with each child alone, which is not easy, and I know it doesn't sound like much, but they know that is their special time, we read, or play a game, or talk about the day, and it shows them I am making time for them in my busy schedule. You just have to find what works for you, but if you set aside a small amount of time to be with just them, it will help, remember it is not quanity, but quality, of time you spend with them, they rather you spend quality time and shorter, then a ton of time, but doing nothing really, does that make sense??

Both your fiance and your daughter need your attention and both are equally important. There also has to time for "family."

It sounds like you could have the money to spend on a sitter, dates, and family outings. You just need to curb the spending. Open an account at your bank that you have a portion of your check put in (based on your budget) just to spend on your family, be it a night on the town with your fiance, babysitting, or a nice family outing. Heck, you don't even need to do things that cost a lot. Research your area, and find things to do that are cheap or free.

Your daughter really needs to sleep in her own bed. It is such and unhealthy thing for a child to sleep with their parent(s.)

Use a calendar and schedule time, dates, etc. That will help you get into the habit of spending time with each person fairly, and out of the pit you are in right now.

Each person is important to you and to be fair to your fiance, this is a relationship that really does need nurturing as well. There is no happily married couple that can possibly put each other on the back burner. It is emotionally impossible. (think about how you need your own me time on occassion.... your man needs that too, from you....) Anyone that thinks he should understand and know that he is not any kind of priority needs to put themself in that position. - how would you HONESTLY feel if someone made you feel like that...

Through trial and err you will find the happy medium that all three of you need. Just communicate with your fiance, and your daughter. She, too, has to know that you love her, and you are doing your best to have a happy home.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Hi R.,
Please don't split yourself in two!
It's not your job to make everyone happy!
You are trying to be superwoman. Yes, your daughter is your responsibility and your first priority. It seems to me you are overbooked. Just how much time do you have away from work and school?...and when you are home he is not...something has to change.
Is it possible for him to change and get day work? Why does it all have to fall on you?

Does your nursing school offer reasonable sitting services?
Your daughter sleeping with you isnt a good idea. She needs her own space as do you.. Establish separate rooms and perhaps when your fiance has an evening off or if he can switch to day or 3-11 shift you can be together while she sleeps.
Make and stay on a budget so you dont feel pressured to work full time... are you? Can you attend school part time? or can you work part time. Getting one day off from school and work can make all the difference...Sundays can be a day of family, fun and rest.

I hate to say it but if you intend on marrying this man and making a successful marriage...you HAVE to make him your first priority. There are a lot of feminists that would absolutely not agree with me but a solid marriage is KEY to a successful family life. I'm not saying that it is easy, I had to come to grips with this one myself. Is there any way that you could do a "trade off" with another parent where you watch their kids so they can have a date night and in exchange they watch your daughter for you to have a date night.
The bottom line is that we as women are fed a line of bull when we are told that we can "have it all" and be everything to everyone. Cut yourself some slack and understand that you can't! I gave up my career (and money)to be a stay at home mom and wife. I know that this isn't for everyone but I can tell you that I am much happier now that I have the time and energy to give to my husband and family...they are my priority! My children are very well adjusted and simply know that mommy and daddy need time to be together alone and they just have to get used to that. Sometimes you have to realize that you are doing your daughter a huge favor by cultivating a close relationship with your fiance because in the end it will provide a very stable home environment for her for the future. I say give him the time that he wants.

Hi! I work nights and my husband works days so we don't have a lot of time together. As soon as he gets home from work, I have to go to bed because I am up during the day with our two small kids. I can only suggest that you focus on quality and not quantity. That's what I try to do. But it is hard. And I also feel like I have no time for MYSELF. Also, my opinion is that you may want to be careful with sleeping with your daughter. If the situation ever changes to where you and your fiance are both home at night, you are not going to want her in your bed. Then she is going to feel rejected because it is what she is used to. My husband sometimes lets the kids sleep with him while I am at work. But it is not fair to them because when I am home, they still want to come in our bed, but I don't want them to. I believe in spending time with them in their bed or mine while we read a story and cuddle. Also, they are allowed to get in our bed on the weekends when they wake up in the morning and watch cartoons. They love it. This way, we are together, but everyone gains something. This works for us. Good luck! You sound like a good mom, so don't beat yourself up over it. Because our children are aware when we as the parents are unhappy. :)

Your daughter SHOULD absolutely be your first priority, she is your flesh and blood and needs you very much, especially in the case of being divorced. If you really feel your fiance is miserable because of your lack of attention to him then you need to seriously reconsider your future with him.

A good man will understand and support the fact that your daughter is your number one priority and will sit back as needed and wait his turn. If he is at all jealous of your time with your daughter, imagine how he would be when/if you have children of your own together.

I do think that co-sleeping with a child of any age is a bad idea and can only get worse when it effects your relationship with your fiance/husband. It seems like she is sleeping with you because you are lonely without your fiance home and that isn't a job for a child, to make you feel better. I was a single mom with a daughter for 10 years and i know what you have been going through with that. My daughter is now 16 and I have some serious regrets about things I did back then!

Only you can curb the spending, every time you go to buy something, ask yourself if you really need it? can you live without it? Sometimes we buy things to make us feel better about other things in our lives. Also ask yourself if it is the cheapest price for the item you are about to buy? I've been amazed at the price differences just between Target and Walmart on certain toys and with foods in grocery stores.

I wish you lots of luck.

Hi R.,

You are right, your daughter is your first priority. Your JOB is to take care of her and raise her to be a strong woman like yourself. If your man can't understand this then I would question what his intentions are for the long term. He obviously doesn't have children of his own yet and is threatened somehow by your daughter that he can't share your precious time together. It's not feminist to do your job, which is raising your child. Your daughter didn't come into this world voluntarily.

I can tell you are really struggling to make everyone's like happier; however, what is he doing make your life less miserable? What does he do to alleviate some of the pressures in your busy life? What activities does he do with your daughter? Does he behave like a father? Cause if he did everyone would feel secure and there wouldn't be a battle for your time, everyone would be working together as a family to make it enjoyable.

I agree with everyone's comments on the co-sleeping. It's no good. We all need our own space and you will be just fine at night on your own, you'll have to get to that place. And once you are there you will relish in it, I totally promise that. Do whatever you have to do, read inspirational books, pray, talk on the phone to a friend, whatever works for you, but get comfortable in your own head and skin. You deserve it.

If you ask me, focus on your daughter, nursing school (good for you!) and your life, sounds kind of busy for a relationship too. Every other weekend fiance/boyfriend?

I'm sorry to be blunt. But this is a person's life (your daughter's) and we want intimacy so much, we are so lonely that we forget our jobs are to raise these kids we have brought into the world. I keep thinking about what that one woman said about her now 16 year old daughter and decisions she regrets. This is our only shot to get it right.

Good luck,
J. - Parkside, PA

You need to find activities where you, your daughter, and your fiance are all together. You should not have to make time for one and then the other. You are going to marry this man, you should be together as a family. This will also give your fiance and your daughter time to bond. He then can give your daughter attention (do crafts, play, ect...) and they can be happy and occupied with one another while you study. I think if you work on being together as a family first, instead of trying to put your daughter first or your fiance first; I think you'll find everyone will be more happy. Good luck.

Hi R.. It's A. again. It is tough finding time and keeping everyone happy. It can be hard on everybody especially making you feel the guiltiest. But you are a mother and your fiance has to realize that she is your 6 year old daughter who needs her mother. It does sound like you don't have much time for one another because I know that feeling. I have 2 businesses and 2 children and my wonderful husband. My husband works during the day and as soon as he gets home I leave for work than when I get home I start working my other business. Which I try and do in any of my spare time. We are fortunate enough to have the ability to be able to raise our children and I personally wouldn't have it any other way. But my point is that I started this second businesses recently so that I will than be able to work from home and eventually be able to retire my husband from his job. It may be a long way off but that is my gaol and my company will allow me the opportunity to do so. If you would like to know some information about how you can work from home please visit my website and I will get the details for you. This may allow you to have more time together as a family as a whole! Good Luck!
A. P
www.greensthewaytobe.com

My fiancee works nights, and getting "us time" is hard. What we did is to make his first night off our date night. He comes home and goes to bed early. Then, he can be up early (for him) to watch a movie with the kids before they go to bed. Once they are in bed, its our turn for a movie or whatever. We just make sure that the kids are down for the night, get any munchies and drinks we might want, and we go in our room and shut the door. Even if we fall asleep during the movie, we still get the alone time and the feeling that we are important to the other.

Balancing time is always difficult. My fiance and I are in the same situation. First of all, curb your spending so you can afford a date night every other week and set up your mom, or a friend to watch your daughter every other week. It will become routine.

You could make friends with one of your daughters friends mom's and set up play dates. Every other week you could pass off your daughter or sit hers and then you have a free babysitter and a friend for your daughter to play with.

You could wake up a little early and meet your fiance when he gets home from work.

Set up a movie night, pick something that your daughter could watch with you (albeit it might not be too interesting to you, but at least she will be busy and you will be in his arms).

Make dinner together.

There are always ways to find time together, just be creative. Even if it is a family shower! You might not get the alone time, but at least you'll get some time.

Your daughter will become more self sufficient as she gets older and you'll have more time to be together as she gets older.