Can This Be Done?

Your love is leaving for a very long time, could this be fueling your need to connect with your Bio-dad? I am a military wife of 12 years and have been through many deployments, so I understand the fear, pain, and anxiety you are feeling right now. My only advice is to surround yourself with those that love you, and want to do right by you, and forget the rest. Really it is his loss. I know it still hurts, but would proving he is your Bio-dad actually do anything to change the way he is? Probably not. It sounds like he is simply selfish and self centered, which would make him a horrible Dad even if he was willing to claim the title!

I am in the military and never heard of any such thing being done unless court ordered. The military won't do anything just because. I don't know how you got in contact with your biological father, sounds like you tracked him down, but it sounds like you were better off not coming into contact with him. If he didn't come looking for you to try and start a relationship, you need to make your peace with it and let it go. It will break your heart because there isn't complete closure. Look to your grandfathers or uncles in your life for that "fatherly" support. Amalthea is right... if you do prove he is your biological father that won't change his mind if he was that quick to shut you out.

I tried to be as positive and as honest as I could with out sounding harsh. I hope this helps.

Sorry Love :( Time to try your hardest to let it go. He doesn't care enough (ouch!) and though you do, there is nothing that can make him take a paternity test.
My best friend has a husband who is a Marine and had been deployed 4 times...not to mention they have triplets (who were born when he was deployed...he wasn't able to come home for their birth). They have been happily married for 14 years (the kids are now 7). You can get thru this and do not need to dwell on a selfish man who does feel the need to get to know you.
Hope this helps!
XO

What does it gain you to have a paternity test? If he doesn't want anything to do with you, it's not likely to change with a test he may refuse to participate in anyway. It's unfortunate, but you might just be better off moving on with your life and finding father figures elsewhere.

D.,
First, let me say that I am very sorry that you're going through this with your father. I was five when my parents divorced, and my father walked out of our lives for good. That was nearly 45 years ago, and to this day I don't know where he is, or if he's even still alive. The only "contact" he had with us was when my sister and I each turned 18 and he took my mother to court to have his child support obligation cancelled. So, I understand what you're feeling, and how much it hurts to be rejected by one's father.
This man undoubtedly knows that you are his daughter. But, if he's gone nearly 19 years without even trying to be part of your life, that's probably not going to change now that you've found him again. It hurts a lot, but some men are just that heartless and selfish.
I don't know if the military will pay for a paternity test. Since you are already an adult and it doesn't involve child support or property, probably not. You probably couldn't get a court to order one. But my question for you is this: even if he is forced to acknowledge paternity, will it change the person he is? Will he be willing to have a relationship with you? Is this effort really worth your time and tears, especially if he only rejects you again?
It's his loss in the long run. He missed out on the joy of parenting a wonderful girl. He won't know his grandchildren. His future will probably be one of bitterness and regret. You should focus on the hopeful and joyful future with your husband to be.

I wish you much happiness.
Elisabeth

You poor thing...I wish I could give you a big hug!!!
Here's what I do know. It is better to have the question in YOUR head...than to feel the rejection from your Father. Please find it in yourself (put your big girl panties on) and know that you are a beautiful young woman, you deserve happiness and if he had anything to offer...he would've offered. I'm afraid, as far as your father is concerned, there may be no happy ending. Please take all that love that you'd like to share with him...and turn it to your Mother...who has never denied you or left your side, no matter what.
I'm so sorry, my heart is just aching for you.
So, here's the bright side your life will not be any less without him. You have a lot to look forward to! Sounds like lots of other things are going well!

I'm not sure if the military can help you but you can do a search for an at home paternity test. They can not be used in court but it should give him the proof he needs. The test is still going to cost about $250 but its a lot better than doing at a testing site. You two can do the test together and mail it in together so neither one of you can accuse the other of messing the test up.

Do you know if the reason for the divorce was due to a question of who your father really was? You didn't mention if you biologic father has already refused a paternity test. If not, why not ask him directly? Is he on your birth certificate? Assuming that he is on your birth certificate tell him that based on the circumstances, as you understand them, and your bc he is your father and ask him that if he believes otherwise would he be open to having a test to prove it once in for all. Maybe he is concerned about what role or expectations you have if he acknowledges you as his daughter. Not to disappoint you but there is a chance that he is claiming you are not his because even if you are it may not change that fact that he hasn't been and maybe doesn't want to be a father. There are a lot of issues at play here (you may know the answer to some questions but without those it is hard for others to give you good advice).

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree that even if you get a paternity test, it probably won't change how your father is acting toward you. Maybe you could write him a letter saying anything you wanted him to know about you and give him your contact info and leave it at that...maybe he will come around at some point and realize what he's been missing and want to develop a relationship with you, so you can just leave the door open to him for when he's ready. In the mean time, concentrate on the people who do love and care about you, like your fiance, family and friends. Best of luck!

Deidre:

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!! I wish you two many happy years together!! I will assume he's active duty - it's a long tour - as they usually only do 12 months at a time, not 24.

In regards to your biological father the military will NOT pay for a paternity test at this stage. If you were an infant and there was a question as to your paternity and child support, then yes, they would. But you are legally an adult and they will not get involved.

I'm confused as to why this is important to you. I will make an assumption that you've not had contact with him in the past. My question to you would be this - why is this so important to you? If you have not had contact with him - what makes it so important now? What do you want from him? Acceptance? I am sorry if this hurts - but there are times when bluntness is required - if he has not had contact with you up until now - you won't get anything from him now - this will be HIS loss, not yours. DO NOT take this burden on.

Think about WHY you are doing this. Why is this so important to you? Answer these questions and it will help you come to your own closure.

Ask your mom if there is ANY doubt on her part on who your biological father is. It may sound offensive - explain to her what he said. If this is so important to you. Realize you may be opening a Pandora's Box and you must be prepared for the realization that you may learn things you didn't want to know.

If you can't let this go. Ask him to do a paternity test. I think they cost about $250 - I don't know for sure, sorry. But again, I ask -
why do you need to do this?
What do you want to prove?
What do you think you will gain from this?
Think this out. If this man who is your biological father hasn't had contact with you in the past - do you think a paternity test will change this?
Why do you want to prove that he is your biological father? I will state again - if he hasn't been actively involved in your life up to this point - a paternity test MOST LIKELY will NOT change this. He lack of involvement in your life is HIS LOSS.

I apologize for the length of this response. Please think about why you FEEL the NEED to do this, what you want to prove and what you believe you will gain in getting the definitive answer that he is your biological father.

Best regards,
Cheryl

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no neat closure, i'm afraid. honestly, you need to close it in your own mind and let go of any dreams or hopes you had as far as he's concerned. this is a stress and complication you don't really need right now anyway.
let it go.
and good luck to you.
khairete
S.