After all my ups and downs with my mother in law causing stress and depression in my life. i have became a bigger person and do my best to not let her talk down to me like im beneath her and i try to be an neutral person to her. i have become over trying to please her and i have basically turned emotionally cold to her. anyways...
so my daughter and i will be moving out of state next year (jan-feb) and my husband will follow after i find a job. so my mil is now trying to guilt trip us and being down right rude. she has even told us that we cant take my daughters bedroom set because she bought it for her. also she says that we wont make it on our own and will come back with in a year (way to support us getting out of your house).
to me she is mad because we are choosing to move where my dad lives up in washington state and she wont be able to see my daughter at will. (for most of you that follow my post you know that my daughter is a great kid when my mil isnt home). i have already been told that my cell phone will be turned off when i move (my husband and i share a family plan with them and pay our fees for our phones). ill most likely get a prepaid phone as soon as i get a job.
i am just dumb founded about her actions toward us. just last month she was telling my husband and i how unwelcome we are in her house and that we are only allowed to live there because we have a child. to now telling us that we shouldnt move and should live out here so she can help us. when she has friends over they sit and talk dirt about us living there. its just pointless trying to work it out with them.
reasons we are moving out of state-
1. my husband and i both want to live up there.
2. my family treats us like equals and not burdens
3. its cheaper to live
4. cleaner air for my husband and daughter who are asthmatic.
5. my husband can hunt.
6. great environment to raise a child (small town)
7. a lot of jobs up there for my husband and myself.
Well....I don't think you asked a "question" but I'm glad you're taking steps to be independent!
Please look into Dave Ramsay's Financial Peace for GREAT advice on how to live on less than you make--if you can master that--it will be smooth, clear sailing! Good luck! (And good riddance to bad rubbish!)
can my mil be anymore rediculous?? YUP! she could be mine!!! Are you my sister? LOL. I'd say move, don't let her guilt trip you into anything! I know first had (because of my own experience) that the reason she "dislikes" you is not because she does not like J. B, because I am sure that J. B is a good mother and wife and even good DIL. But MIL does not like the fact that she knows now that she can no longer control her Baby BOY! It has NOTHING to do with you but more with the fact that a lady named J. married HER son. you TOOK him away from her. that is why she is the way she is. I say booger to her and do what J. and Hubby feel is right for your family. Once you get settled and have a plave of your own I would invite her to come visit you. maybe once she sees that you moved to a nice place and are doing well she will lay off. just know you are not alone!!!
It sounds like you're doing the right thing! Some of the posts over the last few days make me wonder what on EARTH is wrong with some of these older mothers/grandmothers?!?! I mean, I get wanting to see your children and grandchildren a lot, but when your behavior becomes detrimental to your relationship with your grown children and you're trying to force them to see you or stay with you like they're 14 -it's really sad! Just try to ignore her until you can get out of there!
Can you move sooner? Are you waiting for Christmas break?
I fully understand if you have to give notice or something.
You are 100% doing the right thing.
Run as fast as you can... and best wishes on a happy future away from the drama!
Yes. She COULD, in fact, be more ridiculous.
Her mind doesn't work like yours does.
Her mind is a confused jumble of reactions and projections and fears.
As you have probably observed, she isn't consistent.
Some of her statements seem to be (are!) 180 degrees
opposite to other statements.
Discuss with your husband some prepared responses
regarding your upcoming move.
And then stick to them.
Don't take her bait when she throws various weird remarks at you.
She says bla bla bla furniture, you say "We're leaving in January."
She says bla bla bla cell phone, you say "We're leaving in January."
Oh! The asthma issue is a big one.
Great environment, clean air . . . .
Don't try to persuade her that
you'll all be much happier and healthier there.
Just "We're leaving in January."
Possibly throw in something about "Thank you, mom,
for letting us live here while we were getting on our feet.
We'll always be grateful for your kindness and generosity."
I say let her keep what ever she wants, turn off what ever service she wants. It's time to cut the cord so to say and good for you for moving out and trying to start a new life for your family. Please try to stay kind to your MIL, although she has been harsh, she has given you and your daughter a place to live for some time and you should be grateful. It always changes the dynamic of any inlaw relationship when you live with them. Do your best to keep the peace and remember that her cold words are only her insecurities and as much as she has complained she is probably devastated to see you all leave.
Congradulations for being able to move out! You have great reasons for leaving. She is a negative person who you will never change. Leave the bedroom furniture and cell phone. You can get new ones. She is loosing a lot here. Her son, her grandchild, her power. She won't be accepting these losses quietly. Just remember you are doing what's best for the three of you. January - February will be here soon! All the best :)
Just ignore her. If she wants the bedroom set, let her keep it, you can find some new cheap stuff on craigs list when you get there, often times free, and until than she can sleep with you and share your dresser. Mil is mad, or sad, or both, that you are leaving, and being rude and hateful is the only way she knows to show it. Try not to hold it against her too much, my guess is that she is just really going to miss you all, but do not play into it either. Once you are gone she will come to realize how silly she was being to push so hard.
I say take your husband at the same time and be glad to get out.
I suggest telling your mother in law that you are sorry she doesn't want you to move but you have heard loud & clear how unwelcome you are. You appreciate the time she has allowed you to stay there but your family is moving to a place to better yourselves. ASK her if she would please allow you to keep your daughter's bed until you can purchase another one or would she allow you to buy that one from her if she no longer needs it.
Honestly-I cannot imagine anyone acting like this. This board is a wake-up call for what kind of people are out there. I would just stop speaking to her-stop taking the bait. Cut her off from all communication...why do you need her in your life? If your husband wants to maintain a relationship with her-fine. But you should not have to put up with it. And when you do this you need to pull all emotion out of it. Be very matter-of-fact when you tell her that you and her are through. bye bye. And stick to it. A person can only take so much. And do not listen to anything about her either-especially when people try to tell you anything that she has to say about you.
Do you already have a plan to find a job in Washington and a place to stay? Then pack up your personal stuff and move! Make sure you have a plan to get your husband up there as soon as possible so you can all be together. Although the job market may be better in Washington, it is still tough in this economy. Have you sent out resumes or applied for jobs on line? Have you researched the kind of jobs you like and that you would be qualified for? Do you know what the educational requirements are for the positions that you want to interview for? I wouldn't worry about the bedroom set or the cell phone right now. She may be irritated that you are taking your daughter and moving out from under her control and she may be a little scared too that you will sever the relationship between grandmother/granddaughter.
I would be cautious about moving unless your family is going to provide a support system for you until you get on your feet. Just because you want out BAD, it may not be the best move for your family. (and you don't want to have to come crawling back for more help from your MIL)
Look at it from your mil's point of view. Everything is going great. She's got her son and dil right there with her and a granddaughter she adores. Then BAM all of a sudden the son and dil decide to move out of state. Moving away from her and taking her beloved granddaughter away. She's been supportative by letting you be added to her cellphone plan (cheaper to pay for a line or two than having to get your own plan), and buying things as needed. And this is how you repay her for her kindness?!?!?
She's hurt right now because she knows her life will be changing and change is frightening. She's not sure what happens next and hopes that by making it difficult you'll change your mind. Instead of being upset why don't you see it from her point of view and figure out how to ease her fears? Maybe you can set up a skype account so she and your daughter can video chat? Email accounts to keep in touch? Maybe get a scanner for the computer so your daughter can scan in and email pictures. Mil just wants to continue to be part of your life. Show her how this is possible even if you live far away.
