I say is it possible because I think many (not ALL, mind you, many) men just hear critique of any kind and shut down and hear the nagging bitchy wife saying "you don't do this.... you don't do anything right... blah, blah, blah" . And my husband is especially sensitive, he takes EVERYTHING personally. It's always an attack on him. So, how do I bring up irks of mine without him freaking out? We're very busy, we both work, we have a 14 month old, and he recently started back to school. He hasn't been back in school for over 15 years, so this one class is a lot of stress for him, and I've been very supportive and proud of him - I tell him this all the time. Trouble is, I'm having to pick up the load big time on housework. I've usually done the lion's share in the past, which is usually fine. He stepped up when we had a baby, but let's face it, he's a guy. His standards of "clean" are way different than mine. So if I want the living room vacuumed 2X a week because I'm more anal about cleaning (we have two dogs, and my son is all over the floor all the time) I do it. When I ask him nicely for help, he'll usually pitch in.
However, since his class started, any free time he has he is lounging on the couch, watching TV. We both need down time, but I find I'm running around after LO has gone to sleep, catching up on laundry, picking up, doing dishes, etc. The other day there was another mountain of dishes in the sink again (I do all the cooking, and yes, I'm a messy cook) I jokingly said, "wow, ok, honey, I'm gonna let you tackle this one, I feel like I've been doing nothing but dishes for the last three days" - he flipped. Did that annoying man-thing where he mockingly mimics what I say in that "wife" tone. ugh. I get that he's stressed out, and I've been trying really hard to respect that, but, hey, I still need a little help here! I'm not asking him to clean the bathrooms or anything, just basic upkeep. The last few times I've gone to change LO there have been wet, splayed open diapers on his dresser. He won't wipe down his tray after he eats, all the dishes from breakfast/lunch are just left on the table. Empty milk bottles are left around the house, I'll come home and our son's hair hasn't even been brushed. I'm on the verge of totally blowing up on him and I don't want that to happen. He takes good care of our son, but it's just these little things that are driving me crazy. It would take 5 minutes to quickly wipe up the counters/load the dishes while he naps.
I'm just looking for some help on how to approach this. He works nights (15 a month) our schedules are nuts, we're stretched pretty thin, but it's important for him to stick to the school thing, (gets reimbursed by his employer) but is it fair for me to pick up THIS much slack? I work 28 hours a week too, and do a lot of freelance work. Plus all the shopping, cooking, etc. The "wifely" stuff. We have opposite schedules so he can watch our son while I'm at work, and vice versa. It's important we are able to raise our son, plus we have very limited resources as far as family/friends/money for babysitters.
It's a stressful situation, but we're usually able to team together to get through things and laugh about how crazy our lives are. I just don't want this to blow up in my face. Advice on how to approach this much appreciated! TIA moms.
thanks moms, great ideas and good insights. I talked to him calmly this afternoon, just told him that I know we're stressed out, but I need a little more help from him on the day to day stuff. He got defensive, shut down, and I left to go to work. However, he called me to apologize for biting my head off, just that he is stressed and he had noticed he was dropping the ball on stuff and hated that I called him on it. I just reminded him we need to stay on top of things to have a clean and healthy home for our son even when the couch may be calling - we have to set good examples for our son now, and get into better habits. So... so far so good. :)
"Well I found a lady who will come in once a week to clean the entire house for $75. Is that doable, or did you want to try to pitch in more?"
;)
I would just be direct (not judgmental, or accusing--just direct) like:
"Hey, Bill, please put away the dishes while I fold this laundry. Thanks."
"Can you gather those bottles from today & put them in the sink (or dishwasher)?"
"I left Timmy's brush out on the counter in the bathroom for you."
Really--what you're describing is not "OK". He needs to meet the minimum requirements of cleanliness when you're not there. Maybe a little sit down is in order?
Hi P.! I'd like to add that just because he get's snappy and upset with you does NOT automatically mean you are being bitchy or nagging, it just means that he isn't acting maturely.
You can ask in the perfect way and he could still respond badly. He's an adult and can take responsibility for keeping up your home AND he can take responsibility for his behavior.
Have you told him how it makes you feel when he responds to you like that? Mabey both of you can tell each other the way that you like to be talked to! Mocking you in a "wife" tone when you ask him to help pick up isn't okay. He needs to be respecting you just as much as you need to be respecting him.
I think is 3 approaches to this:
1) have sit talk with him, when neither of you are mad, explain everything you explain in here, I find it all very fair and reasonable. However I have the feeling you have already done this.
2)Stop doing it, sometimes you need to stop doing something so others can notice what would be like. This probably will be very difficult for you, and is not guaranty that he would change and you still would have to either tell him to do or do it your self anything that is dangerous or no sanitary for your baby.
3) Stop doing laundry, buy cheap food and look for ways to save money (specially those that he would notice wink, wink) and pay for help. Let him know you need help and if he can't help you are not his mom, but you will take the money and pay for it other way you are going to lose it, and that, with no doubt will end up more expensive.
I have no idea how to bring up small stuff without offending. I truly wish I did. I'll be watching to see the answers you get on that.
But this situation is way beyond that. He is not holding up his end of the bargain. If it were just dishes and laundry I'd say - ok, well, we've both got a lot going on right now, let a few things slide through the week, but our next day off we need to tag team the housework. But the not brushing your childs hair is a problem. Yall want to be home to raise him. But it sounds like your husband is tuning him out and doing the bare minumum while watching tv or napping. That's not ok. That would warrant a serious conversation. I'd probably suggest - hey you've got a lot going on and our son is at an age where he needs lots of stimulating interaction. I can see that might be too much for you while you're in school so, why don't we talk about putting him in daycare. Of course he wont do that and he'll probably even argue that you're wrong, but bottom line, he will step his daddy game up immediately.
I'm with J.B., but I would also like to add, so the hell what if you WERE asking him to clean the bathroom (or whatever other thing that needs doing but seems like something difficult/gross/too much to ask a guy to do in your mind). They live in the same homes we do & make at least as much of a mess as us & the kids combined. I bet he has no idea how much you actually do on your own without asking for any help.
Just tell him matter-of-factly what needs to get done. If you want, run down a list of things like this: "OK honey, here's what needs to get done this afternoon: wash, dry & fold 3 loads of laundry, empty the dishwasher, vaccuum the living room & up the stairs, clean the powder room. What few things of that list do you want to take care of so I know where to start with my own part?"
That, at least in my opinion, isn't a bitchy way at all to get the help you both deserve & need.
I'm going to flip this a little. What if it was you in school? What if you decided not to do all the things you do because you were taking classes? I worked 30 hours, took 17 to 18 hours of classes, had two kids and a husband who traveled. I didn't have the luxary of having someone cleaning the bathroom, that was ME. I didn't have the luxary of having someone doing the dishes, that was ME. I didn't have the luxary of having someone do the laundry, that was ME. You see where I'm going with this?
Whether you offend or not is his problem. The mocking thing would have set me off. I mean I would have come unhinged! But that's just me! How is it that you have to be sensative about his feelings but he can mock you? Hmmm.
I would just explain like you did in this post at how proud you are of him going back to school and that you are willing to pick up some of the slack, but that doesn't mean all of it. Put a list together and let him pick what items he will do and then you get yours. Each should be even. Good luck!
First, breathe. I totally feel you. I'm with partner doesn't have the same standards of cleanliness I do, and definitely prioritizes his down time more than me. Although, since I've started school he's had to take on a little more (probably making the responsibility split equal!) and it's been stressful. I keep in mind that I am the one who wants the house cleaner but never the less, relationships are all about compromise. I try to be more relaxed about some things and he tries to do things he otherwise doesn't care about. You husband is willing to help so that's a good sign. It sounds like you both need to have better communication around the topic. With how stressed you are and the resentment that is building, I am guessing he knows that I heard that in your voice. When men do the nagging voice, I always respond with a dopey "man" voice. But this is a serious issue - I would stick with "I" statements. "When you ____, I fee ____ because ____. I would appreciate if you ____" For example, "When you watch TV while there are dirty dishes, I feel stressed because I like to stay on top of the dishes. I would appreciate if you could load the dishes immediately after meals." If you approach him calm and seriously, your less likely to get a sarcastic response. If he takes it personally, tell him you understand it is not a personal attack, you respect the ways he contributes, and you both have different needs. You are asking for help and are willing to make comprimises, e.g. he makes sure he does the dishes before bed etc. Make the time and change the tone. Don't get drawn into bickering. Most people need to feel validated, so if he's defensive, make sure you let him know that he is appreciated. Good luck!
I would tell him again how proud you are of him for working and studying and you think it's great that he's working towards a better future for all of you. Tell him you don't mind picking up the slack b/c you know he's stressed out and working so hard but you're really starting to feel the strain of having to do so much and ask if he could please do a, b and c. Hopefully by you mentioning all the appreciation and sympathy first (be sincere), he'll be happy to help. Good luck!
My husband hates being asked to clean just because I am in the mood to clean, so we assigned certain tasks that he does every week. This way he is not doing stuff on MY schedule and feels less like my slave. It may also require for you to "drop the ball" in the sense that if you do not constantly clean up around him, it would become obvious that there is a mess and maybe he will pick up more. My husband while a bit tipsy once confided to a friend that "if I wait long enough my wife will take care of it". A lazy and immature thing to do and say, but the truth.
Alternately, I would ask him to sit down with you to make a list of all the things that have to happen in a week, and assign names. Perhaps when he sees how long the list is and how many you do it might dawn on him that you have zero time for relaxation.
No, it's not fair to you or the children. Yes he's stressed, but so are you - you both work, school isn't really that hard (unless he's going to specialty surgery, med school or MIT/Astronaut training)... he and you can share down time TOGETHER after all the need to do things are done and kids are in bed. Why should he get double the down time while you're busting your butt?
I'd have an honest discussion with him, leave some things alone one night in order for you both to be relaxed and in a talking mood. Tell him how you feel and why you think it's not fair - of course, state this after your stroke his ego... won't get anywhere with men unless you stroke it and stroke it good. More's the pity!
Find an article or website discussing the effects of "couchpotatoeness" for busy people and either print it out for him to read or email it to him or send him the link.
Get the book, Nonviolent Communication. There is also a web site. It does show how to talk with each other so that there is better communication and less defensiveness. Always use I statements and be direct.
When you said, "I'm going to let you tackle this one" you sound like you're the boss. Try saying, instead, "I'd really appreciate your help with the dishes." That gives him a choice. With a choice we're more likely to help. When we're told to do something we feel like we're being bossed. Or you could say, "Please help me with the dishes." It's a request, that way.
Then make an appointment when all is calm to sit down together without interruptions and talk about each of yours expectations. Together, work out a way to divide the chores.
