Blended Family Issues

I had the same exact issue as you're describing. Our daughter had no structure at her mothers house and when she came to ours we had the family dinner around the table and it was almost like she felt guilty for having a good time with us. Then the tears came constantly. She felt guilty even at the age of five that she was having a good time with us so she acted out. I found that lots of hugs from "me" (the step parent) especially and making her feel that she was really special because she had two families (Christmas, etc) and that bond that just her and I have created has lasted even now 8 years later! She will totally get used to it! it takes a little time. Children adjust so easy and we don't give them musch credit. She will come around just stick to your routine and don't accept anything less. She will learn that they are two separate ways of life. Sometimes I thought we would lose our minds but then I look at all our "blended" family photo's and oh my gosh! I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world.

I come from a broken home,REALLY broken,there are 7 kids in my family,my two older brothers are half brothers,we didn't have a lot of set rules and no family dinners but thanksgiving.The best you can do is show her that there is a better life out there and what you're doing is the best thing praise her when she does good,let her know how loved she is and that you love having her around,maybe spend some just one on one time with her,she'll see in time and be a better person for it.I see all the mistakes my family made and it's motivated me to become a great mom to my daughter.Everyone tells me how amazing she is and she's so well behaved,maybe one day that will be her being the great mom you helped her to become.

Hi C.. I don't have much advice, just experience as a child growing up in a broken home. I lived with my dad and stepmom. My mom didn't give us too much structure when we visited her. In retrospect, she didn't because she felt that we could use a break. My sm was overbearing. SM would always say that we would come back with attitude and no manners every time we saw our mom. We as in my lil bro and I. I don't think that was the problem though. Have you tried to have her over more often? As much as "it's easier on her over there" children need stability and schedules. They have so much going on in thier little lives that rules help them. It's like when I tell my 8 year old to clean the backyard, he whines that he needs help. When I look at his point of view, he is thinking he has to do everything and not even sure of what he needs to do. When I state give the puppy water. Pick up the toys and put them in the toybox, he does this with no complaint right quick. It is good that your being understanding with her. Don't give up! When she looks back later on in life, she will appreciate the stability that you gave her.

C.,
Our homes run very similar to yours and my DH's ex runs similar to your five year olds BH's. We have explained to our daughters that things are different in both houses and unfortunately they have to understand that. We don't do things like their mom and that's her choice to run her house her way. We like our house and our way of doing things. We have also told them we'll do our best to work with them and might even adjust a few things but things like dinner, no TV, homework first, bedtime at 9PM and cleaning their room is not going to change.
My oldest, who is now 9, sees a therapist. The therapist has mentioned that our home has structure which all kids need. Her mom's home is constant chaos, meaning that the poor kid doesn't know if she's coming or going. Her mom tries to be her friend and freaks out on her when she wants her to be structured. It's not familiar to her in that atmosphere so she struggles with what is expected of her, where at our house, she already knows.
It has also been said from family and friends, that down the road, she'll see what the better environment is. Just keep up with reminding the little one and as she gets a little older, the concepts will register. It is frustrating but if you have taken on all of this, you can do the rest.

Good Luck and God Bless,
S.

Stay strong. I grew up with my brother, half brother and two step sisters. My father was very permissive when we were with him because he wanted to be the "fun" parent. And he was. And when I was a teenager, it was fun to go with Dad because we could do what ever we wanted. But as I have grown up, I look back and see that even through those years, it was my mom who I went to when I need to talk, need help or just needed someone to lean on. She was my rock because she stood up for what she thought was best for us. She didn't waiver and give in just to avoid being the "bad guy". I see what a great parent she was and really and truly appreciate it now. Your daughter will to.
I also have a "nephew" (close friend of the family's son) who has NO structure whatsoever in his home. Him and his mother would come to visit us and for a while, it was hard for him to remember the rules and what was considered appropriate in our house. There were some hiccups but no matter how defiant he became in his teenage years to his family, he always knew better at our house. That has always stuck with me.
I am now in my mom's shoes. My almost 5 year old goes with his father one night a week and every other weekend. He has 2 step-brothers there and the rules in that house are much different. And yes, when he is gone with his father for a full week (like over spring break), he tries my patience when he gets home. I usually try to take the day off the first day that he is back to spend with him and "reaclimate" him to our house rules again. You may think about spending that first evening home with her. Establish a good bedtime routine. That will be so helpful for her and she'll look forward to it.
It is NOT easier for her at her mom's. Do not let yourself belive that. Children feel huge amounts of stress when placed in an enviroment with no/few rules. They need freedom within boundries. Those boundries provide her with a safe place. Freedom within limits allows children to be creative and to explore. They aren't afraid of "going too far" because they know where the boundaries are. There have been numerous studies that prove that given the chioce, children prefer structure/rountine. They want to know what to expect. The unknown is a very stressful thing especially for small children who don't know how to communicate their feelings very well.
DO NOT give in just to avoid hurting her feelings. You job as a parent is not to tip toe around her feelings. It is to guide her and care for her in a loving and consistant way. She can't drive a car at age 10. That may hurt her feelings but you have to look out for her best interest and her safety. You may hurt her feelings now but she will look back and realize that it made you the better "mom".
Bottom line: I have learned that you can't control what happens at "the other house". You can only be the best, most loving, most consistant parent that you can be. Don't fret over what you can't control. Put that effort into the things that you can control.