Discipline for Preteen Boys

I have been teaching middle school for 30 years, have a masters in counseling, and am in a blended family. I have been where you are. A few things that helped me:
1. Get in touch with your own guilt feelings and then throw them away. They are not doing anyone any good and are probably causing harm to you and your sons. If you have made mistakes then learn from them and move on. Stop your thoughts when you start to process guilt feelings. (No, this is not impossible to do, I did it and it works.)
2. Sit down and create some ground rules for the entire family. Begin by making a list of problem behaviors you anticipate and write those down, then make a general statement that is a catch all so when the boys come up with a new problem behavior you have a category for it. Determine consequences for these behaviors. An easy one is to label them all as 'Distrubing the peace'. I got this idea from a great magazine article. Anytime there is conflict do not investigate simply declare both boys guilty of disturbing the peace and punish them BOTH in the exact same way at the exact same time. (I used time out--even with my daughter who was 13. It worked. If arguing continued or if they resisted the punishment then the time out period was increased. Be sure to assign them specific chairs in separtate rooms and take away all entertainment. I used the dining room and living room so I could keep an eye on them.)
3. In your plan you need to also include rewards. Find out from each boy one thing that he would like to do/have as a reward for changing these negative behaviors. VERY IMPORTANT put in a point keeping system and use it. Simply something like have them both start with 10 points and then deduct one for every problem during the day. (Make it so they can also earn back points for designing and engaging in cooperative play activities together.) Put a paper in the kitchen with each the number 10 on it. Every time there is a problem then then one point is subtracted. It is best if you make this a team thing rather than having the boys have a separate set of points. This way they have are jointly invested in working together. Dr. Phil has a simple generic contract online to help with this system.
4. Recogninze that this system is only dealing with the behavioral side of the issue. Both boys probably have feelings that they do not understand. Counseling would help but does not always work and can not be pulled off last minute before the holidays. Likely they have issues with competing for your love and attention. Avoid your personal guilt trips and show them both your love and approval IN ABUNDANCE. However, do not let this love and approval in abundance expression interfere with the point system. Your message along these lines should be simple. I love both of you and your behavior right now is not OK--that simple phrase,"NOT OK"; so here is the consequence. If you get caught up in the guilt stuff you are only going to allow them to manipulate you. When children manipulate the adults in their lives it makes them insecure. This insecurity comes from their feeling like they are in control of you instead of your being in control. Kids like feeling that someone else is in control even though they will tell you differently.
5. Best of luck. I am a Christain. I always combine all of my solutions with a healthy dose of prayer.
Hope some of these ideas work for you. Happy Holidays L. in NC

Your son should come waaaaaaaay before your boyfriend. It probably would be best if he left while your son is visiting.

The 11-year-old should be old enough to talk to before the other comes, and talk about how important it is to have a happy visit, and ask for his cooperation in being a peace maker. Have a mature conversation about how difficult it must be for his brother to come "home" as a visitor in his mother and brother's home, with some dude also vying for Mom's attention. I can understand their differing points of view. There probably are a lot of rivalries and jealousies between the brothers, and I'm sure both have a desire to also live with the other parent.

And, it would be a good idea to set some ground rules as soon your son arrives. Give them an offer they can't refuse. For instance, give them three chances a piece to behave, and if all chances are lost, take away whatever is most dear to the offender, for the duration of the visit (video game, bike, phone/computer privileges, Christmas presents - whatever would mean the most). Make this clear before hand, and follow through.

There's an excellent book by John Rosemond called Teen Proofing, that has tons more ideas.

Take this in the kindest way...

Dump the boyfriend and get counseling for you and the children. Your relationship with your child is tremendously more important than a boyfriend. You made a committment to the child and to care for him way before the boyfriend. Your child is angry and you need to understand why. I guess I would be if I "visited" my mother too.

Please don't be offended. I am a therapist and see this all the time. Put your child first and invest in that relationship. He deserves it and needs it.

C.

My first piece of advice, which you probably won't like, is that you should send your boyfriend off somewhere when your 13-year old is visiting. He doesn't need/want another father figure. He needs his mom, even if he doesn't show it.

Thirteen is not an easy time. Kids are changing in so many ways. Boys, particularly, are trying to be less emotional but they still have strong feelings. And almost all 13-year olds are stubborn. It's part of the growing process.

Forget your boyfriend for the week. Take time off from work, if you can, and spend time doing things with your two boys. Through activities, the bond between them will grow closer. And don't say anything when they get into their little skirmishes, not unless someone's about to get hurt (and I mean seriously). I've raised six boys (my youngest is 13) and physical fighting is one way they communicate. Also, if you always intervene they won't learn how to get along on their own.

I understand that you want to be a "family," including your boyfriend. But he's not family to your 13-year old. You could have dinner with him once or twice during the week, along with the boys, but even then the boys need to know that they're your primary concern.

You might have to wait for another five years before your 13-year old tells you how much he needs you. But eventually, when he's ready, you'll hear it. And I know he'll appreciate your undivided attention. He's still your little boy (no matter how big he is or how "big" he thinks he is) and he needs his Mom.

Hi S.,

I agreee with the others. Some ground rules with some clear consequences are important.

Also, when this is all said and done. You might want to talk to your boyfriend about how important it is for him to be supportive of you and to be a good role model when the kids are around. Sounds like you may have a third child on your hands. If he lives there and has for 4 years, he should be able to be there to help with the boys and to show them a united front. For now, it might be better if he wasn't there, but since it's his home, it would be kind of tough.

Good luck!

You and your famliy including your boyfriend need to have a big family discussion. You and your boyfriend (being the adults) need to set rules and regulations and remember the goal: to have a happy family. Your son, the 13 year old, seems to have a lot of anger built up in him and he wants to have a lot of attention, negative attention at that. He may want some one on one with you. Next time he comes, take some one on one time with him and the two of you talk. After he has shared his wants with you, you tell him your dream for a Happy family without fighting. See how that goes then integrate your time with the 11 year old then include the boyfriend. It will take some time but all I see is the 13 year old asking for attention and in the mist--getting the negative attention form everyone. Also take it to the Lord. It can work but it will take prayer, patience and compassion on everyone's part but especially the adults.

Kids this close in age have a lot of friction, especially boys. Even if they have a lot in common. It's called sibbling rivalry. Anyone who is a brother or sister understands this :-)
One thing that I'm unsure of, and no one has mentioned that I saw, is the biological relationship between the brothers. Are they full brothers or are they half- or step- brothers. Any of these situations can come into play if they seem to be experiencing more than the typical sibbling rivalry. If they are full brothers, they may not understand why they are separated...or why mom gets one while dad gets one. Does mom or dad (depending on which child it is) like my brother more than me? If it's a step- or half-brother issue, then they may each feel some resentment at what they consider an intrusion into "mom time". I do agree with other posters...boyfriend should go, at least for the week (although I strongly agree with Dr. Laurn Schlessinger here...you shouldn't even think of dating til kids are grown) This would eliminate a lot of the "blended family" problems. I have 4 children ranging in age from 3-18. If my husband decided to leave me for some reason...although we're nearly 20 years into this now, I don't forsee any change at this point...I have already made my decision to remain a single mom until my youngest is at least 18. Hubby is a police officer...so if (God forbid) the unthinkable happens and I'm find myself a widowed mom, then I may consider dating/remarriage at some point before they are all grown, but I would not consider dating a man with children of his own who are minors. Anyway...enough of my preaching, lol. Just remember, divorce, then dating and/or remarriage complicates children's lives greatly. Even though they are boys they are still young and their emotions are fragile even if they don't let you see it.

I totally agree with Becky and Jennifer.
For my own experience and observations, teenage kids and boyfriends = bad mix!! There are exceptions, but given your situation where the brothers are split up, there are bound to be some emotional stresses for both of them, and yourself. The competition and jealousy is normal, but you need to guide them toward better behavior. Several good resources have been suggested, and you could check them out, as well as communicate with your sons.
You might want to consider some family counseling, whether it's with BF or without. Include the boys if possible, or on recommendation of the therapist. This is a big problem, but don't give up, and don't be angry at the kids. Show both of them lots of love, and try to be patient, but at the same time do NOT put up with hostile and unacceptable behavior, make some boundaries for them.
Best of luck, and let us all know how things go.

To teach children stability and to enjoy being a part of a family you have to first show them stability and give them a family. You have 3 males vying your your attention and hating each other for various reasons. Your boyfriend has no say in the situation and if he threatens to leave while your other son is with you tell him to go and not come back. This sort of selfish behavior on his part is something you have seen in various other ways while living with him. By not being married to your live-in you are showing your sons that the "man" in your life doesn't amount to too much to you, so with your one son coming and going why should he think he amounts to much when you are worried about a BOY friend leaving? Your stay at home son is about to give up. You need to raise your sons, no child should be "visiting" a parents home. He should be a part of the family atmosphere even when he is not there. To accomplish this you should make your sons your priority and dis the boyfriend. Your sons are crying out for help.

If your boyfriend doesn't want to be there then let him go. If he's not helping you with the boys then it's probably better he's not there. His presence probably only add to the emotional upset of the house. Your 11 yr old is use to having you to himself, then big brother comes in, and you probably make a pretty big deal about him coming and fuss over him while he's there. Not to mention let him get away with more because of your fear of disciplining him. So it's fairly obvious why the younger is acting out. The older is probably jealous of the younger getting to live with you. The boyfriend splitting your attention a third way is probably best left out of the mix until the other 2 are adjusted. Try spending time with BOTH boys individually. Also be sure the 3 of you do lots of fun family things together. If they misbehave during these times then family time is over or take away another privilege, like tv, video game, phone, etc., for a certain length at time.

Too bad that you can't visit him. These kids don't like each other, are resentful, and don't know how to act. Pretty late for rehab. You can set some rules next time, " I want you to come, but you are welcome only if you can enjoy yourself."
Go to see him in the future and have a great visit. That seems to be the only solution in your situation. Sounds like boyfriend would sit with the other child. Good luck.

S., You have had some great input from moms. Are you on good speaking terms with your ex? He needs to be a part of this as well. If you both come up with a plan and be in it together, then both boys will see this as a united front. That is vital! Otherwise, your older son won't respect your authority regardless. He will think that anything you dish out is worth it because he gets to go home and not have any consequences. As much as you want him with you, if your ex is not willing to cooperate, you may have to tell them he cannot come because he refuses to get along. My niece is going through this with a daughter. There is not another sibling, but when she comes home to see mom (she lives with her dad) she acts out horribly. Finally, mom and dad came up with a plan together on how THEY would handle this. Now the girl sees that she needs to respect her mother during a visit or else she will have consequences when she goes home. On the flip side, what the others have said is true. These boys are jealous of this arrangement and probably don't even realize the extent of those emotions. Both need to be validated in how they feel. You and your ex can communicate to them that you know it sucks that they are split up and only get to get visit back and forth, not live together. Again, BOTH of you will be much more effective if you do this together. Regardless if you yall may hate each other on every front, when it comes to your children, compromise and do this for your children. Your older son is 13 and you have precious little time left to cultivate a healthy relationship that will carry him into his adulthood. If your time with him is spent frustrated and disconnected, you may never recover that lost time. IF your ex is unwilling to cooperate, then spend as much as time as possible with your 11 year old coming up with a plan to work together making your 13 year feel welcomed, loved and accepted - regardless of his attitude. If you can get your 11 year old to see this as an opportunity for compassion, you will ingrain a life long life skill in him. Every conflict in a family is a teaching opportunity and when parents use them constructively, they build really strong relationships. As for the boyfriend, let him know what you plan to do and try to get him to help. If he lacks the maturity to see this through the eyes of an adult and parent, he many never have a healthy relationship with your sons and you will struggle every time he's around. He may be a nice guy, but young boys need strong men who can take on the role of a mentor and example whether they are related to them or not. You are a "package" relationship and if he's not wanting the whole thing, you may need to move on. Good luck.

oh sweetie! The boys could be fighting because mom and dad aren't together and each one resents the other. Any chance the younger one wants to go see dad for the week? And your "boyfriend" isn't much of a support person for you; instead of supporting you and helping you find a solution to make the situation better, he is putting gasoline in the fire! First, I would tell your "boyfriend" that he can leave until your son has left. I think you need one on one time with the oldest son. Your not going to have the wonderful family Christmas until you get some closure with your sons.

I would try talking to your son who lives with you to see if you can understand why there is the constant fighting. Then maybe you can get him to understand how you feel and help you implement an enjoyable stay. The other thing I would do is set rules in place with specific consequences if the rules are broken, then stick to them. When your visiting son arrives let him know how glad you are to have him visit. Let him know that you have house rules and consquences if the rules are broken. I would specifically have rules about behavior along with house rules.

Well I have to agree with the boyfriend. Let him go somewhere else when your son is there and you and your son go have alot of fun. Personally... I would kick his butt out anyway for several different reasons: one he sounds unreasonably uncaring and incompassionate about you not living with your son and wanting to have a wonderful time when he is there. You don't get to see him that often, if he can't understand that.... let him go. Screw him!
Then... if you have been living with him for 4 yrs and he hasn't got off his butt and offered to marry you... well that is too long. Tell him to find someone else. You can do better than that. You don't need him. Hey, i was married to one of those one time. Do you realize what is really out there for the taking if only you allowed yourself? I don't have time for losers and don't have patients for them either. Next time he says he is leaving when your son comes, I would simply tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out and ask him if you can pack his bags and just be done with it. Enjoy your son now or he will resent you the rest of his life. !!!!!!!!

I highly recommend a book called "Parent Effectiveness Training", by Thomas Gordon. I had several people refer me to it when my son was born, and I have found it soooo helpful! I read it cover to cover, and still go back to it to skim back over various sections from time to time when I need a refresher. It was written in the 1970s I think, so there are tons of used copies floating around that you can get for cheap. Check ebay, amazon, etc. I really think you'd find it helpful! Good luck to you!