Seeking Mom's Advise About Daughter's Playmate.

Let her stay for dinner, let her stay for sleep overs. You might be the one bright ray of light in her life, you never know. Invite her every so often instead of her having to invite herself.

I think you should talk to the parents about it and find out what is behind all of the "free time." Also, you can tell a 7-year-old that it is impolite to invite herself to other people's houses and ask for food. If her home life is so terrible, maybe you can see about getting them some help. You could also limit it to a certain day of the week that she has an open invitation to come over for dinner, or play it by ear week-to-week. It sounds like a sad situation...

My friend watches a girl after school (when schools in/for free)until her older sister can come pick her up. She sounds very similar to the girl you're talking about... My friend used to get so mad but realized that her family is very poor and she just doesn't know what to do with herself when she has the opportunity to eat 'cool' snacks and play with 'cool' toys. After being annoyed for a long time she finally realized that it won't last forever and maybe she was helping the little girl have a better day at the least... not to say she doesn't have those days when it gets to her, but she's trying to be patient. Maybe just keep in mind it won't last forever! You know girls... haha.

My feelings about this may vastly oppose most people but my opinion is that "it takes a village to raise a child". If this child is so desperate for attention, food, and someone to care about her as to come to your home begging for food then I feel that as a village we take in the children that need us. I think that if she has a mother that is unable to care for her, a father that works to much and syblings that obviously have their own lives and don't want to care for their little sister then we have to try and be there for her. The changes that we can make in the lives of a child are immeasurable and someday that little girl will remember all you did for her. I know that your struggle is with your husband but maybe if you explain it to him this way then maybe he will realize that this is the right thing to do too and will be proud of you for being willing to give a helping hand to a child in need. You never know when someone you know and love might be in the same situation and how grateful would you be if someone took someone you loved in when they were unable to care for themselves. Anyway ... just a thought.

I have a similar situation that has worked out well... We have a neighbor who is younger than our daughter and id the same things... just helped herself to our house. When I finally spoke to her about it she responded really well, actually. I told her we love having her in our lives and that to truly be a part of our lives she needs to know how we do things at our house. I explained that she must ring the doorbell and be invited into the house, not just come on in; that if we are interested in having her stay for a meal we will invite her but otherwise she needs to expect to go home when we eat; etc. AS soon as she understood the boundaries she was fine complying with them!

It is important to set boundaries in your house and expect your daughter friends to follow them. Be very nice, but firm. Make sure her friend understands the rules. This is a great opportunity to help this little girl who may be having a hard home life. I have had a similar situation in the past and the kids were always compliant with the rules once they knew them and realized they were expected to follow them. I always told them how much I enjoyed having them over. The punishment for not obeying the rules (and I never had to use it) was that they would not be able to come over for a few days. Whenever they broke a rule I would remind them of the consequence and act very sad that they may not be coming over. Their behavior always changed. I also agree that you need to get to know the mom. It should be easy to strike up a conversation since your kids already play together. It would really be helpful to know exactly what this little girl is dealing with at home. I have also seen the amazing influence a good, happy home of a friend can have on a child with a difficult home life.

On another note, talk to your husband when setting the rules. It sounds like he is annoyed with the situation so he should have some input on how things are going to work.

When I am dealing with children who haven't been raised well (poor manners), I just teach them myself. If the child asked to stay for dinner, first, I would tell her yes or no. Who cares if someone else's seven year old gets upset?! Then I would explain that we don't ask for stuff from other people because it's impolite. As with your own child, you will have to explain this to her on several occasions before she really learns it.

When it's snack time, offer her "apple or cheese", and if she says, "no, I want something like Fritos", go back to the manners explanation. Additionally, explain to her that there is no nutrition in food like Fritos, so there's no point in putting it in her body. The same stuff that you'd say to your own child.

If she's staying too long, when she comes over at noon, just say, "we're free until 2 PM". Then at two, send her home.

The girl needs structure.

We used to live in a cul de sac whith 25 kids. I finally had to grow a litle back bone.--I hated to hurt anyone's feelings.

But I had to learn to say " Everyone is welcome here as long as they follow the house rules. The rules at our house are....1. no playmates before 10am, 2. ask before taking anything out of the fridg. 3. everyone goes home at 5pm ect."
(I also had a stack of cups in a low cabinet, and the kids all knew that it was ok to help themselves to water anytime they wanted)

Well, you get the idea. You make the rules for your house. You can have some rules for the kids that visit and still be kind and welcoming. A few rules and a few perks too.

I went through a similar experience when my daughter was that age. I understand how very hard it is not to take this child in at meal time, snack time and even sleepovers. About the only thing that will help with an assertive child like this is to talk to her (privately) and show empathy but set boundries for her. Such as "I understand that you like it at our house and we like having you. However, we need to have some rules or boundries. You may stay for dinner (lunch or whatever) once (or however many times you, not the child, want) a week. I know it would be fun to have a stayover and when we feel it is a good time, WE will invite you for a stay-over but you may not ask for one." Kids like this little girl are only looking for acceptance and attention that they aren't getting elsewhere so be kind. She probably doesn't realize she is pushing you. Set boundries but let her in sometimes. Both this girl and your daught will benefit from it. Good luck!

I agree with the other posters - but I think it is important to point out that when you have another's child in your home or under your care for any reason, that those children MUST abide by your rules. That goes for learning manners, so if she is inviting herself over and it is not something that you think is the right thing to do, then you need to have a discussion with her about it. Let her know that you will invite her over when you would like to have her as a guest. But please keep in mind that this child probably needs people like you, so be generous with your invites to her. Also, definitely keep an eye on your property and if she is taking things from your daughter and you catch her, make sure you handle that the way you would if it was your own child. She needs to be held accountable for her actions, but she also needs to feel like she belongs somewhere.

My mom made my bro and I a hot breakfast every day. Any child in the neighborhood was welcome for breakfast before school - many came. She has seen a few of these friends here and there and has received words of thanks. Please mentor this child - she obviously needs it! Make sure the rules of your home are clear - maybe she doesn't know stealing is wrong, or is trying to take something nice to her mom (not knowing it is going missed). Hopefully this is giving her the benefit of the doubt, but you will have to curb it if it is getting out of hand.
Good luck!

hi,
I too have been amazed at the assertivenes of other children who come to my house. I have very strict rules about food since I cannot see and I dislike finding it "the hard way," by spilling the cup of juice left in the living room or putting my hand in the bowl of cereal left on the table. I was shocked when kids started coming over to my house, yanking open the frig and taking whatever. Then they were telling my kids that I would never know because I couldn't see what they were doing. I didn't know what to do. I would have punished my kids but someone else's.???
Once my husband came home to find me in tears trying to deal with 11 children running around my house leaving food everywhere. He asked me why I didn't be more firm with them and I told him I didn't feel comfortable telling other people's kids how to behave. He was angry. I thought at first he was upset with me butt after we talked about it I realized that he was upset for the extra work and stress these kids were putting me through. He said that he would talk to teir parents. Well, that got me going, I promised him I would have a talk about it with the two families the next day. Both parents reacted differently. One smiled and siad, "yes, my kids are always hungry aren't yours?" The other was upset to find that the kids were talking about my blindness and so she dwelt on that when I would have rather had the food situation straightened up. I started being more strict with these kids when they came over. This was difficult for me at first becuase I made the mistake of thinking of them as guests. But with every rule I told them things went better. I took them all to Funtastic last month. This was only possible because they had gained respect for me and would listen to me. I thought they would think of me as the "mean" mom but just the other day I heard one of them telling another kid, "you have to go to David's house because his mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world."
So, although it is difficult, treat all other kids like you treat yours in terms of rules. Also, point out to your daughter how frustrating this behavior is to you and she will be less likely to do it when she goes to friends' houses. I email my husband now to see if he has had a difficult day before inviting kids for dinner. By the way, if you do invite people for meals, serve only one meal. If they don't like it they can go home.

talk to the parents. find out how they really feel. if you want to mother the child, let her have dinner with you and enjoy your family. if not, you need to learn how to say no in a sweet but firm way.

if you like this little girl and the only problem is that the parents are too free with her and she likes to eat then i guess you should be glad that you have her on your turf. i would start seting the rules and boundries and make sure that she follows then . i too have a neighbor that loves to come over. he likes to tell me no and it seems like there are no rules at all at his house. but you better believe that there are plenty of rules over here .he follows then when he is here and dosen't seem to mind one bit . it just took some getting used to. (consistancy) remember that you are the boss and she might need a little guidance from your family. think of this as paying it forward. how would you want your kids treated if you were in the same situation ???? i commend your patience. keep up the good work.

Sad situation. First off...can you encourage outdoor play?
You can also abbreviate their play dates by creating errands in the midst of the dates...
we all always need to run to the grocery store...or to the library....
Good luck.
h

Practice your boundary setting with the friend with a high quality no. Simply, without fear and negativity state what you wish. When she asks to stay for dinner, "not tonight dear, we're having a family dinner." Simple and to the point - don't give in once you've set a boundary or you'll set a precedent that is difficult for you. No big deal, no drama, no judgement - just a simple high quality no. Do your own inner work on what this brings up for you. This girl is actually your teacher to work through your own stuff. Good Luck

I think the best thing that you can do is to set ground rules. Tell your daughter and her friend at the same time, what the rules are. Perhaps you could say that they are both entitled to a snack but that is it. My five year old likes to feed the neighbors that come over, but they are similar and ask for things and it does drive me nuts. I have to take into account that my boy is fed when he goes over to their house, but it usually isn't around eating time, like it is when they come over. I tell my son while the girls are in the room that if they are hungry then they can go home and eat or if it is still a ways away from eating time, I will say, "You can have some string cheese, but that is it." I hate when they waste food and if they do I tell them that they will not be getting that item or any other food for a while.

She probably does enjoy the stability of your home, just let her know what to expect. You could even right down the rules like I have seen done in school. You can let her know what the rules are without being mean. I would discourage you from being a pushover though! You don't want your daughter to grow up to be that way and she will if she sees that you are doing so.

I have to agree with Patty. A leader from my church once said, "If your children's friends come in and eat you out of house and home, look the other way." I don't recall that he offered any explanation to this instruction, I just remember hearing it in a talk. I can think of many advantages to allowing this to continue, and only a few to putting a stop to it.

Patty has some good reasoning, and I know as a child I felt that food was a very controlled substance in my house, and I would have loved to have a place to go where I felt welcome and that people loved me enough to feed me. Your influence and example may be the only form of parenting she gets, and I know most of us want to be able to influence the world for the better. Just do what you can.

I also think that as your children approach their teenage years you would be very wise to develop a rapport and a friendship with all their friends, so that when you tell your children no, their friends will be inclined to honor your decision, rather than persuade your children not to.

I think if you talk to your husband and point these things out, he might be understanding. You can draw the line at sleepovers as you have been doing, that gives her time to spend with her own parents, which I am assuming is a good thing.

I agree with some of the what Patty D said. However, no one has mention that maybe you should go over and speak with the parents or the parent. Let them know that you do not mind if she comes over as long as it's welcome on both sides.

When I was growing up, my siblings and I did not want for anything. However, my little brother would always seem to find himself over at someone elses house asking for food and wanting to hang out over there. It's not that he was lacking anything at home he just deemed that if he was welcomed he would take avantage and that's not fair to the other party.

Also, would you want your daughter behaving in same manner as this little girl ? I certainly wouldn't, I would like to know about it, and be the one to have a conversation about the rules of other peoples house with my own child. I would not put that responsiblity on someone else because it's not their child. So consider going and speaking to her mother or father first, then take it from there.

All the best.

A little about me:

Single Mother of a very bright, fun loving, adorable 3 year old little girl. (She's the light of life )

We have a similar situation at our house. My very best advice is to st very clear boundaries, please call before coming over, the kids must clean before this friend goes home. I also keep a drawer of snacks down where my children can reach them and they know that they are allowed 2 snacks from the drawer. Fruit snacks, oyster crackers and cereal in small snack bags, dried fruit. I am very firm and as soon as I feel like my boundaries have been tested then the play date is over for that day. Children are smart, they will start following your rules in a hurry. Good luck

I guess I would be in the boat to have her come over. My family growin g up was the only one still married and stable. We had people over all the time for the reason they liked being there. However, set some rules. Talk with the parents and say, het, your daughter can come over only on Thursday and Monday nights (or whatever.) The other nights are for family meals. Also tell the girl as she is old enough. Also be honest with the girl and say, we like having you over, but you will need to eat what I provide. Otherwise, don't come over. It is what it is and appriciate the offer. Otherwsie, if it isn't working...for XYZ reasons, you will no longer be invited over.

Patty D said exactly what I was going to say, I remember growing up and my BF was VERY poor, we weren't wealthy but we also didn't go without. My mom just always made extra, and on vacations or family outing she always included her and eventually her little sister, since our younger siblings were the same age, it wasn't easy for my mom and sometimes we didn't do things cause she couldn't afford all of us but 25 years later the younger sibling is still a part of my moms life (my BF went the wrong way and their mom died). Who knows where the younger one would of headed if it wasn't for the one constant in her life, her words not mine.

Kids tend to do these things, I think. Our neighbors have done this sort of stuff and so have my children. I just handle things myself...when the other little girls have asked for dinner and sleepovers, I tell them 'no'. I have also let them know it isn't good manners to ask, but to wait until invited. It's okay to share this sort of stuff with your kids and other kids. If you don't, how in the world could they know any differently? How can they learn? I don't like saying 'no' either...I feel uncomfortable. But! I feel more uncomfortable if I don't!

I agree with Patty D!

You need to find out if this child is going hungry. Is she neglected at home? A hungry child can be very bold. If this is the case, child protective services need to be called. Also, if you determine that she is really hungry I would make sure she gets food at your house, but set up some rules. Assure her that she is welcome to food, but that she must wait to be asked to dinner, etc. Make sure there are plenty of healthy snacks around, too. If, on the other hand, you find that she is well nourished at home, you need to set up some rules about eating at your house. Teach her what is polite behavior and let her know that she has to wait to be invited.

I have to admire you. I would suggest that you get to know what the situation in the home is. I feel that her parents need to know that you are feeding her. If she has any allergies it would be nice to know about them. I agree that the home has to have boudries, whether for your children or others, it has to be a safe place physically and emotionally. She may need a lot of love she may not be getting at her house. Just love her!

K.,
I totally agree with Jill's answer to you! It was perfect!
I work in an alternative high school and we always treat every child as we would want our own child treated. So I just look upon all of my students and all of my daughters friends as if they are my own. It works! I have a lot of kids in town yelling "Hi Mom!" when they see me and it makes me feel wonderful! But they also know my classroom rules and my house rules!
This girl is so blessed to have you. You are making a huge impact on her life. God Bless You for it.

This is a hard situation because if the girl is lonely and left to be alone and take care of herself going to your house is probably the most comfortable place she can go. Because it's your house you can lay down ground rules that she needs to follow if she wants to be in your house and when she comes over the next time and you've figured out what rules she needs to be told then sit her down and tell her that if she wants to come over she needs to follow those rules and if they aren't followed then she will have to deal with the consequences and that could be not coming over for a while. As long as she isn't teaching your child bad things or stealing from you she's probably looking for a home life that she doesn't have and if she does things that you don't want your child to learn then you need to cut the friendship off. Your daughter will make new friends but you being the parent are responsible to teach your child and to protect them so if she isn't a good example of what you want your child to be like then you cut it off,i realize we can't control everyone our kids hang out with at school or places like that but as for your home you can control what goes on in your home. sorry this one is so hard becaus you sound like you care about this little girl!

As with others, I agree with Patty D.
What you are doing is great! This little girl does seem to need you! But don't be afraid to tell her the rules of your house. She may be looking for just that, someone who cares enough about her to give her boundries. Also don't be afraid to tell her that you would like to fix what she likes and you will invite her when you do. Your daughter seems a little young for sleep overs, but it may be that her friend is looking for a comfortable safe place to be.

My daughters are in their teens now but we have had different friends that I didn't always feel were a good influence on them. One of my daughters made me look at it differently when she said "Mom, maybe I can be the GOOD influence for her!" We found this to be true and her friend is doing well! Some kids are just looking for someone to believe in them and love them unconditionally. Often they will "live Up" to what you expect of them. Blessings to you for being understanding about this little girls needs. If you can explain that to your husband, no doubt he will feel the same.

You are a wonderful person!! I totally agree with Patty D., and I have been in your shoes, too. You know the story about the person who turned away the beggar and the person who gave help to the beggar and was rewarded because it was really Jesus? Well here's your chance. She honestly won't stay around forever, but why add tension to your lives? Try to treat her as a close friend of the family within reason. How much, really does it cost you to set another place at your table (I'll trade you my 15 & 11 yr olds friends any day)? Sleepovers--forget it--no way. Set your boundaries (the 10am to 5 pm one sounds great), and make sure she understands your rules apply. They did at my house, and I was sure to tell other parents that their rules applied to my children at their homes--just so they feel secure in your trust of their judgment and they reciprocate. With all that you describe about her home life, you may be the one stable thing she has and knows she can count on. Boundaries can be a comfort.

If she is relieving your home of things, there must be a reason. I know this sounds so corny, but it soooo works. When you are with the girls and talking, tell them a story (you can make your own up) about someone else who did something like that and what the consequences were. I would then say can you believe people do things like that?? Give her an idea of how it affects the 'victims' and the relationship between the victim and the person who hurts them and how they lose friends and trust and blah, blah, blah....Give her something to think about, and then maybe say has anyone ever done something like that to you? How did you feel, or how would you feel. This can all be done while you are eating lunch together or playing a game or whatever. I find that my children respond to conversation, love to hear about 'stuff', and they like being treated like they have an opinion and feelings. If she doesn't respond somehow (maybe giving up her old habits), then confront it head-on--have you seen such-and-such? It was here last time you were here, did you accidentally take it home? I always feel that anyone should be given a chance to save face, if they learn their lesson.

You are a saint for being willing to help this family, and it would be such a blessing to have more people out there like you. I don't you think you realize what a significant impact you are having on this child and what she will remember and pass on as she gets older. Same goes for your hubby, tell him he is a wonderful father and thank him for being supportive of you--especially because it is difficult to have another person in your home. Reverse psychology works....so does reinforcement of good behaviors. I would also try to get to know the family a little better. You may learn some interesting things and make a new friend (?). Keep being wonderful, and good luck!!

If you don't mind having her over to dinner once in awhile plan ahead for the night that works for her to stay. Then just tell her dinner time is family time but we would love to have you stay on Thursday night or whichever night you choose.

I have a neighbor who likes to ask for food and snacks so I know that can be a huge issue too. I have just told my kids they have to ask first and I do the same with the neighbor and I am not shy about saying no, especially if it is a snack I am saving for sack lunches etc. I usually will let them have something but I try to limit it to things I don't mind them eating or if I don't want them eating right then I will say go play for a little while and I will get you a snack out in a few minutes. Then I set it out and have them eat it when they take a break from playing.

You may also want to talk to the mom especially about the missing items, but I know that can be difficult if you don't have a relationship with her. I would probably just say to both the mom and the girl. I haven't been able to find such and such toy. I was just wondering if you had seen it or accidently taken it home when you were here to play. If you make it sound more like it was misplaced maybe she will be more likely to return it than if you outright accuse her without proof.
I don't know how much of a relationship you want with the mom but maybe taking a meal over to the family once in awhile might be a neighborly thing to do if the mom has health problems, and could allow you to get to know her. She is probably grateful her daughter has someone to play with when she isn't able to play with her, and might be lonely if she has limited mobility.

Good Luck