I have 6 children: 2 girls in their 20's from my 1st marriage, 1 girl from my 2nd marriage, and my 3rd husband (still with) and I adopted 3 boys from Russia nearly 11 years ago. We set aside money for each child for college - obviously not a king's ransom with 6 kids, but something. We had/have the same amount for each one. When our youngest two were diagnosed with such serious disabilities that it was clear that they would not attend college, we used/are using their money for special needs camp tailored to their interests. In addition to what we put away, my mother put away an amount for each child as well - each child gets the same amount as well. The rule with both of these "pots of money" is that you get it if you go to college and it goes directly to the school, not to the child for tuition/room/board/books/etc. If you don't go to college, you don't get the money UNLESS you enlist - then all the money is held until you are done at the military and we would "gift" it for the down payment on a home.
For my oldest two girls, they each received a lump sum from their father with no strings attached when they were both in college (just turned out that he sold their land during that time - it really had nothing to do with being money specifically for college). My oldest used it for college, my 2nd oldest did not. However, technically they both received an amount of money while they were in college from their dad - he did not pay one single dime other than that for their college education.
My youngest daughter is currently in college. Her dad is going to "try" to send me money every month starting with this month for 9 months to help with her 2nd year of college (her first is already paid for). In theory, she will get something from her dad towards college - I will probably have to hound him daily, but likely he will make some kind of contribution.
Our oldest son is supposed to leave for college in the Fall. He will get our money, and gramma money, but obviously will not get money like my other kids did because his dad and I are together. He feels "shortchanged" that he is getting less help than the other kids financially. I tried to explain to him that he had the benefit of having a mom and dad with him every day (since we brought him home), and the other kids did not have that. I also explained that I can't help that the girls got money from their dad, and that we don't have any more to give. He can only see the monetary "unfairness" of this. I get that it is irritating, but at the age of 18, I expect a little more maturity than this. Sadly, this is reminiscent of the younger years when the girls would come back with something from their dad's house and he would demand the same from us.
Should we be paying more to make it "fair?" We really don't have it to give, but I suppose we could try to come up with something for his 3rd year of college (I don't think we could swing it his 2nd). We have astronomical medical bills/expenses for our two youngest so saving extra is not as easy as we would like it to be.
Thanks!
I agree with most posters on the whole "life isn't fair" deal. Believe me, we have been trying to get him to understand that for a long time. A poster asked if we had caved in the past when other "unfairnesses" were pointed out by our son regarding gifts from bio-dads that he didn't get. Never. If one of the girls got a cool gift from their dad that he wanted, we would just say "hey, put it on your birthday/Christmas list." Sometimes it was a good gift we could afford and he would get one - kind of like if your buddy got a cool gift for their birthday and you wanted one to so you asked for one for yours. If it was outside our money level or we simply were not going to buy it (like one of my daughter's got a horse from her dad - kept at his place obviously), then he didn't get it. Also, my youngest daughter and this son are both exactly the same age, and luckily they get along for the most part, so they would occasionally both go to her dad's to ride horse or shoot her guns (things we wouldn't have here), or go 4 wheeling at the farm. All the kids college educations ended up being about the same per year cost-wise so it isn't like one kid got more help because of a drastically cheaper education. Our son is looking at the same school our youngest daughter attends so his will be the same as well.
I guess that we are just going to have to stick to our guns on this one. I think that part of our son's issues center on this extreme fairness issue. We have tried for years to work on this with him. The disadvantage comes from his perception that unfairness means we don't love him as much as the other kids (because he was adopted), and our failure to fix it just proves that. Counseling has not helped much in this regard, but I was hoping that maturity might (and still might - he is only 18). We are also concerned that he is kind of using this as an "excuse" and actually plans on not attending college. If that is the case, that is definitely his choice, but if past history tells us anything, it says that he will blame us for his choices. *sigh* Parenting is tough . . .
Thanks for all the help! It really helped a lot :)
He's lucky he's getting any money at all.
There are a LOT of kids that don't get one single dime from their parents and work, get grants, get scholarships, or take out loans to go to school.
He's an adult. How annoying it must be to still try and explain things to him like a child.
L.
I don't think so. This is a good life lesson - life is NOT fair. It is what it is. And you said the money came because their father sole "their" land. I'm assuming it was to be part of an inheritance. So it would either be unfair now, or unfair later when they inherited land that he would not inherit. Again, life is not "fair" it just is what it is. If he takes out student loans, perhaps you could help with some of those payments when the time arrives, BUT don't say that to him now just in case it doesn't work out.
Rather than trying to show him that he had things his sisters did not, maybe acknowledge his feelings. This isn't fair. His sisters received more money for college than he did and it's not fair and it stinks.
You're trying to make him feel like it is fair (They got this but you got that, so that makes everything fair.) when it isn't. That's not realistic. Many things in life aren't fair, and it's ok if we don't like it. We don't have to like it, but we do have to accept it.
It's not fair, but it is what it is. So what is he going to do about it? Are there scholarships he can apply for, summer jobs that pay well, a part time job at school? Brainstorm with him. How can he improve his own financial situation?
It's not fair. But don't complain. Do something. Be proactive. Empower your son.
I don't think this is something you can ever make 'fair'.
You saved up the same amount for each kid - so you've done your part.
Anything outside of that is out of your control and you shouldn't be trying to 'match that'.
Your son needs to learn (and should have already) that life isn't fair - and giving him more money isn't fair to you or the other kids.
If he wants/needs more money - he's going to have to get a job an earn it.
Many people work odd jobs, wait tables, stock super market shelves - to help pay their way through school.
He won't be alone and it'll be good for him.
No. Sorry, but, the answer is no. You don't "owe" him a thing. Look, I know that today we parents are impressed as much as is possible that WE *owe* our kids a college education. And I think it is smart for kids to strive for a college education, and if that isn't their strong suit, technical school and learning a valuable trade, etc. But that doesn't mean you are on the hook to pay for it all. It sucks that it costs so much, but the cost is just going to continue to rise.
Maybe college isn't even the best choice for him right now. I don't know.
In your son's case, he doesn't get more $ just b/c your older kids had outside money given to them. And the fact is that YOU are on the hook for extensive medical expenses for his siblings as well. You cannot pretend those costs are nonexistent. And you must continue to plan with those costs in mind.
He needs to grow up. If he still can't wrap his head around the fact that your older kids were gifted by their Dad (outside of your control) and he thinks *he deserves* likewise from YOU b/c of it, then he has some problems he needs to address. Like, living in reality. He's 18. He knows better. Or he should.
Sounds like he is trying to guilt and manipulate you and you are falling for it. Probably isn't the first time, if he has always played this card before (from your own words). I'm curious what your response was back in those days when he "demanded" the same from you as what your daughters came home with from their dads. If you cave then, then that is where this comes from and shouldn't be a surprise. If not, then he should have learned this lesson already, and I'm not really sure why you sound so willing to cave this time.
No. Just no. You set aside money, use it how you planned (unless circumstances dictate that you cannot). Your minor children, with medical needs/expenses, ARE your legal responsibility to provide for. Your 18 year old son's college education is not. No matter how guilt ridden he may try to convince you to be. Stick to your plan. It's probably one of the most valuable lessons you could teach him right now: That he isn't "owed" anything by anybody. He's 18. If he wants something, time to go earn it. Everything else is a GIFT.
No, you don't give him extra to make if "fair." Life isn't fair. The sooner he comes to grip with this, the better.
You cannot control what the girls' biological dads give to them, so how does he even see that as something you should make up for?
He's just going to have to sit with his feelings and come to grips with the reality that life will not always be fair. And, he should be grateful that you and his grandmother have set aside some money to help him with college.
Has he applied for scholarships? Grants?
This is not to say that you can't send him some care packages while he's away at school, a little extra spending money here and there if there are times when it's in your budget, but you can't give what you don't have, and you can't make everything perfectly equitable with such different circumstances with the children's fathers. That's a simple reality.
No, you do not have to give more to make it "fair." You have already told him your very good reasons, especially the one about him having a mom and dad with him every day, and all you can do is repeat those reasons and in time he will mature and understand. You could add that he in fact had it better than his siblings because of having two parents -- THEY were the ones who got gypped.
I personally would not back down on this. And 18 is still pretty immature, so don't be surprised at his lack of logic. My experience is that 20-22 is the magical age when they become much more mature and reasonable. But if you want to give him more, it's up to you.
When my oldest, now 12, was in first grade she asked for a step-dad. I asked her why she wanted a step-dad and her response was material. Her friends with step-parents typically had more stuff because of sorry adults trying to buy their children's love. That makes me sick. I explained to her why she wouldn't get a step-parent and that those children would most likely rather have what she had. At 6 she got it. Maybe try explaining that to your son? If that doesn't work, then the "too bad, life isn't fair" spiel should do the trick.
And hopefully when he is older he will understand that the money is NOT his, but if is yours. You get to do what you please with your money. If you decide to buy the younger two their own airplanes, he has to deal with that. It's not his decision how you spend your money and the sooner he understands that, the happier he will be in life.
Life just isn't "fair" and I don't know why we try to make it so for our kids, doesn't that just set them up for disappointment, and even more importantly doesn't that just shield them form the truth?
Being a parent isn't always fun and enjoyable is it? A lot of times it just plain sucks :-(
i think you're handling it exactly right. i'm sorry your 18 year old feels shorted, but his adolescent entitlement feelings should not dictate your actions.
it's not totally fair. but your kids have different situations which make total fairness (which is a nice ideal, not a realistic expectation) impossible.
i'd just stay firm and kind with him, not dousing him with sympathy but giving him an understanding ear. that doesn't mean sticking around to get hammered with anger or guilt-tripping. he's got a jump on the game with what you guys and gramma have provided. it's better than my poor kids got.
hang tough, mama. you've got enough on your plate already without taking on guilt over this. you've done an amazing job to provide so for your big, complex, challenging brood.
khairete
S.
Nope you give the money you have saved and his gramma money. He knows how much he'll be getting toward college so its up to him to choose where he gets his education wisely so that he'll end up with a usable degree without $200,000 in student loans.
Part of growing up is learning how to budget and make it work with what you have. All 4 of my kids have gone through community college with 2 transferring to a state college to earn their 4 yr degree.Those 2 also have masters degrees with zero student debit. They worked 2nd and sometimes 3rd jobs to get the loans paid off very quickly. They didn't ask mommy and daddy for help because as adults they needed to figure it out themselves.
So sit down with your son and let him know that you understand his frustration at this situation. You are sorry he feels slighted but what he's getting is what he's getting. Make it work.Maybe the $30,000 tuition college with $7000 room and board isn't where he needs to go.
Life isn't fair. He needs to accept this.
There are things that he will get that his siblings won't get (eg, 2 parents together, as you pointed out). There are things that others will get that he won't. And in the grand scheme of life, things won't necessarily even out. Life is not fair.
If he spends his life upset that life isn't fair, he's going to have an unhappy life. I hope you don't give in, and instead encourage him to accept this and focus energy on making the best of what he does have, instead of lamenting what he does not.
Well since college tuition has gone up so astronomically it is really unfair because the money his oldest sister used for college may have covered 50% of her college tuition but the same amount may only cover 15% of his tuition.
Honestly, I would have no time for your son's rant. He is owed nothing. Where in the world did he get the idea that life is fair? Sounds like this is a good time for him to finally learn this lesson.
I don't understand how your son knows how much everyone got. I am not sure my kids know how much I paid for each of them let alone each other. My son went to a state school with no scholarships, my daughter went to a private university with tons of scholarships. I actually paid less for her.
My kids are all the same dad which makes this a bit easier. Our decree spells out what percentage of a state university we each may pay. Perhaps this makes it easier, that they all know they have at their disposal the same amount of money from me. Who knows
Life isn't fair. No you don't give him more money.
You can decide how to split money and you do not need to explain who get how much nor why.
I don't think I would try to be even-steven, because as you pointed out the girls already got college paid for by an additional parent and the two special needs kids do not have to follow the rules you created either (university payments or down payment after military). The only child being held to your created 'divided money plan' is your son, so I can see his point. It still does nor mean he entitled to more.
I could really be off base with this, but I think his feelings of unfairness isn't so much rooted in the amount of money the girls may have gotten from their bio dads..but more to do with the fact he is adopted. I'm willing to bet that even though it's not true..he feels he is treated differently than the bio kids. I realize he's 18, but if he's carried those feelings for years, it seems this is the prime time for him to point it out..especially when the 3 girls are also in college. Or could it be that as a guy..he feels girls are always treated better?
I think your comment about him having the benefit of having mom and dad together..something the girls didnt, was perfect!
I wouldn't offer additional $$, but continue to stress that many students would be thrilled to be in his shoes.parents and a grandma supporting him to succeed.
I think you need to stop hounding the one dad for money. He doesn't have to give her any. Neither do you. It's nice that you were able to save this much money to help them but no one else has to give them anything. I hope he would give her some but if he doesn't then you need to stay out of it. That's her job, to ask her dad for money and if he says no then that's that.
As for your son, tell him here's the cost of your college. If you don't want the money then by all means, find another way to pay for it.
I'd ask him if he thinks it's fair that the girls had to go through their parents divorce or live with step parents ?
Is it fair that he was adopted to loving parents and others from the orphanage where not?
Is it fair that his brothers have special needs and he does not ?
Stuck to your guns time for him to mature !
If you don't have it to give, then that's the answer. We gave (well DH gave) each of his older children a sum he was able to save after the divorce. DD will get more because we started at day 1. For your son, consider talking to him about his jealousy and try to brainstorm with him ways to pay for college. Will you cosign a loan if HE pays it off? Will you pay more if your circumstances change? Is he upset that your attention goes to special needs children and not him and he feels lost in the middle? In other words, is it more than money, but gifts are his "love language"?
My SD will have loans to pay. Her brother got a scholarship. If my daughter gave me attitude about the money I GAVE HER then I'd be reminding her that I didn't have to save and give her all this money so she could attend college on less of her own dime. I paid my way and so did her father. She could either show a little respect or she could work harder to finance her goals. I actually think making college students have a little skin in the game is good.
If he's just a brick wall then say "I'm sorry you feel that way." and table the discussion. If he chooses not to attend college, then help him make a goal for an alternate path. My nephew learned to be a mechanic.
He needs to understand that what you have done is fair, you and your husband have contributed the exact same amount of money to every child and that is all you can do to be fair. You have no control over gifts that your children might receive from somebody else, such as their bio dads. But you are right, he is only 18 and may just need to do some more growing up before he understands all of this.
