J.,
My reaction is that this is not about absolutes and who should pay. Its a discussion about your's and your son's financial health for the next ten years, or longer.
Three things here. Your son needs to go to college, he needs to be in a good situation financially when he's out of college, and you need to have a good relationship with your son.
My parents paid for college and my life is much better for it. However, I had a sense of entitlement about it, and I don't think that was good, for me or for them. I've said to my dad recently that I didn't realize how much he and mom struggled to get my brother and I through college. He said he didn't want to burden us with worry, because he had raised us with the idea of "get in to the best school you can, and we'll figure out how to pay for it." I told him recently that if I had known it was a struggle, I would have appreciated it more. What I didn't tell him is that I also might have gotten better grades.
Yes, you and your wife paid for your own education. I don't know all the details, but probably that was at a different time, when tuition was much cheaper and it was possible to get more loans and work your way through school. If your son has the opportunity to go to college, but paying for it is a much bigger challenge, then the 3 of you need to think about how you want to face that challenge.
Student loans are crippling to people's financial health when they are out of college. The kind of career and job you want to have are all determined by how much student loan debt you have and whether its government or private. I see lawyers who would love to do non-profit work and spend some time with their kids, but instead they are forced to take document review contract jobs where they work around the clock on boring stuff, because its the only way to make money that makes a dent in their student loans. The interest is outrageous, and thankfully, there has been some recent government reform in this area, but there needs to be more.
My 2 cents is that you shouldn't frame this as who is entitled to what. This is not an adversary situation; this is a partnership. First step is to look at your own financial situation now and for the coming 10 years. Perhaps then talk to your son's mother about the same. The have a frank talk with your son about how you want him to go to the college of his choice and find a great career that makes him happy, and figure out how much he can do on scholarships, how much on loans, and how much you can help with direct payment.
The big picture is after college. He'll probably have some loans, and a low paying job after college as he tries to establish a career. That is the point when he may need your help paying back loans or with a security deposit on an apartment. For me, this was one of the most stressful periods of my life. People think you are supposed to be totally independent but you are 22 and not sure how to get from where you are to where you want to be.
This isn't about 4 years, it's about the next 10 at least, and those are the years that you want to have a good relationship with your kid as he transitions into adulthood. I think setting up common understandings now is probably a good idea.
Updated
J.,
My reaction is that this is not about absolutes and who should pay. Its a discussion about your's and your son's financial health for the next ten years, or longer.
Three things here. Your son needs to go to college, he needs to be in a good situation financially when he's out of college, and you need to have a good relationship with your son.
My parents paid for college and my life is much better for it. However, I had a sense of entitlement about it, and I don't think that was good, for me or for them. I've said to my dad recently that I didn't realize how much he and mom struggled to get my brother and I through college. He said he didn't want to burden us with worry, because he had raised us with the idea of "get in to the best school you can, and we'll figure out how to pay for it." I told him recently that if I had known it was a struggle, I would have appreciated it more. What I didn't tell him is that I also might have gotten better grades.
Yes, you and your wife paid for your own education. I don't know all the details, but probably that was at a different time, when tuition was much cheaper and it was possible to get more loans and work your way through school. If your son has the opportunity to go to college, but paying for it is a much bigger challenge, then the 3 of you need to think about how you want to face that challenge.
Student loans are crippling to people's financial health when they are out of college. The kind of career and job you want to have are all determined by how much student loan debt you have and whether its government or private. I see lawyers who would love to do non-profit work and spend some time with their kids, but instead they are forced to take document review contract jobs where they work around the clock on boring stuff, because its the only way to make money that makes a dent in their student loans. The interest is outrageous, and thankfully, there has been some recent government reform in this area, but there needs to be more.
My 2 cents is that you shouldn't frame this as who is entitled to what. This is not an adversary situation; this is a partnership. First step is to look at your own financial situation now and for the coming 10 years. Perhaps then talk to your son's mother about the same. The have a frank talk with your son about how you want him to go to the college of his choice and find a great career that makes him happy, and figure out how much he can do on scholarships, how much on loans, and how much you can help with direct payment.
The big picture is after college. He'll probably have some loans, and a low paying job after college as he tries to establish a career. That is the point when he may need your help paying back loans or with a security deposit on an apartment. For me, this was one of the most stressful periods of my life. People think you are supposed to be totally independent but you are 22 and not sure how to get from where you are to where you want to be.
This isn't about 4 years, it's about the next 10 at least, and those are the years that you want to have a good relationship with your kid as he transitions into adulthood. I think setting up common understandings now is probably a good idea.