While I was recovering in the room from a c-section, adoring our sweet baby girl, my mother in law called. She informed her son she was on her way to see the baby. With all the chaos of nurses, doctors and some minor complications, I asked for at least an hour with just the three of us, new parents and baby. We agreed on it prior to surgery. When my husband asked her to give us a couple of hours, she was so mad, everyone in the room could hear, "WE HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY." It was like she was on speaker phone, it gave me the chills. He shrunk and they were on their way. We had arranged a couple weeks earlier for them to take care of our dogs while I was in the hospital. (I asked my husband to take drive them to his parents house the night before but he insisted that "families take care of each other.") My husband asked if they could get the dogs and take them for the weekend (like planned). Mother-in-law told her son "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" in her that same voice. She started going on about how her dog was upset by other dogs lately. I've never had any sort of relationship with them but now I'm really irritated with them. Should I confront her and ask why she was so angry? I didn't mean to upset her, we might see her three times a year because the drive is too far for them. Now they are nagging us about not bringing the baby to visit? I have been very poliet to her and always tell them they are welcome to visit. Husband is angry at them and I brought the baby to visit and they gave me horrible advice. I honestly hate seeing them and seeing how they treat husband. Should I confront her bad behavior? I certainly don't want my daughter exposed to hercrazy making behavior.
My mom is a nurse and was able to be in the room during the c-section
Thanks everyone for the advice you all are so amazing. It's sad strong women role models are so few and far between in families.
I can't help myself, I know it will bother me if I don't address it. Husband is scared of his mama. I drafted a letter to her. She can take it or leave it but I feel better already. It's 30percent about her which isn't quite the percentage she likes but for the letter it will have to do. YOu know I drove the baby to see her she never asked me how I was doing, infact she's never said, "Hey how are you doing?" It needs to stop. She's been at it ever since I meet my husband and it's unhealthy. On my wedding the officiant stood up for me, my mom's corrected her before, so it's my turn to be strong:) She's fell through on so many things, she can't be trusted.
Dear ...,
It was very obvious on ...'s birthday that you were upset. When you said things like, "WE have things to do today." and "What were you thinking?" We all felt sad for you. No one knew why you were hurt/angry/annoyed.
Neither one of us had control over what would happen that day. It was beautiful though. xxx. was so amazing and supporting. xxx was so healthy. My mom and I have a srong relationship. She facilitated the best possible birth for us. Research says babies do best when not seperated from their moms after a c-section. She wasn't-for that I am sso thankful.
I am slso so sorry that you felt hurt. It was sad to xxx's face. He just wanted for everyone to be happy.
I hope we can put all this behind us and communicate clearly with respect. My feelings have been hurt many times and yours too. So for the new babies sake. Let's be friends. If I need advice I will ask.
Just trust that you raised your son well enough to meet a super great wife!
Mel
Hi M.,
I think if you're able to confront them (a lot of people aren't strong enough) then you should. Just stay calm and you'll be the bigger person.
Statement: "We have things to do today!".
Answer: "By all means - go ahead and do them.
Don't let the birth of a grandchild interfere with whatever errands you are running. There will be a birthday roughly 1 year from now. See if you can fit it into your busy schedule.".
Click. Hang up.
If she kvetches beyond that, you've got pregnancy/postpartum hormones on your side and you can blame them for your response.
Nope!
Don't make things worse by getting involved.
***It's up to your husband to grow a spine and set boundaries with his parents.*** And as a grown man with his own family, it's time he starts doing that.
I would certainly tell HIM how you feel. But don't approach her with it. It'll just make things worse.
Don't confront her, stay Away from her. Concentrate on your baby. And be sweet and gentle with your husband--the last thing he needs is another woman like his mother in his life.
Edit: I really don't think you should send the letter. At least sleep on it.
M.,
There are just some people in the world that don't understand that it isn't all about them. A friend of mine had a very difficult pregnancy, followed by a long, complicated delivery. She delivered two days before Mother's Day. In recovery, her MIL looked at her and said, "Well, at least you got it done in time for me to have my granddaughter and enjoy my Mother's Day." OMG...and your MIL sounds like she was cut from the same cloth. I agree with the other poster, your biggest issue here is your husband. My husband's family can be absolutely ridiculous, and I really have nothing in common with them to establish any type of meaningful relationship. However, once they start their highly self-centered behavior, my husband puts his foot down. We always discuss whatever is going on between us, and sometimes we make allowances for them, but if they are upsetting either of us, my hubby chimes in and ends the issue. It doesn't make me less mad that they try to push their agenda into our lives, but it does galvanize my relationship with my husband. I feel like its us against the world...or really their world. What I have come to realize is that I have no more right to change my MIL's opinions on things than she does on mine. The difference is, I don't have to allow her opinions to control my life. I feel like, I live the way that I want and think is right. If she wants to participate in my nuclear family, then she has to bend to our rules or be excluded. However, when we visit them, we try to follow the rules of their home. Ultimately, you hold the power, because, really, are you dying to spend time with her and her husband? Probably not. Is she wanting to be around her grandchildren? Yup! And, as the child's mother, you control that. Don't let her bully you out of your and your husband's position of authority in your family.
She's already angry. A confrontation will just result in her blaming you and your husband for her bad behavior. Don't let her bully you and know going in that you should probably ignore any advice she ever offers. Just smile and nod when you have to see her. In all honesty I would ignore her and avoid her as much as possible because she sounds really toxic.
You didn't mean to upset her, you were just HAVING A BABY!!!
With some people the world will always revolve around them. Hubby now has a wife he adores and it's not M.. He now has responsibilities that do not include her. She is not the queen in his life.
Keep your distance. ONly seeing them two or three times a year will not harm your daughter. It's too bad for her that she is not welcoming, it's her loss.
If hubby is emotionally strong enough I would have him confront her.
Wow! What a selfish B*tch! I would have lost it if had I been you to be honest especially with just giving birth! I've learned that kindness always kills in situations like this. I sure hope it all works out!
In my relationship, my Mom is the difficult one. (Example: On my wedding day she was busy telling everyone how great my brother's justice of the peace wedding was the prior week.)
Unfortunately, nothing you can say or do is going to change her. Your husband probably won't have any luck, either. I definitly would not confront her... it will only make things worse and give her the chance to play the victim. (Oh, woe is me, M. is so mean to me...)
Follow your husband's lead. I really appreciate my husband doing that with me, because even though she's difficult, I always feel the need to try. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes you leave early.
Congratulations on your new baby!
This is your husband's mother, he deals with it, you do not get involved. You are there to support your husband, talk about the situation, it is up to him to actaully handle it. If he decides to ignore it, do nothing or little about it support him in that.
If they want to see the baby hubby comes with you, that way you do not need to deal with the craziness of his family alone. You and hubby decide on how often you want to go, if the in-laws want to see the baby more they make the trip to do so.
Ditto to the others in husband needing to back you up. Mine didn't, so after she decided to physically attack me while holding my 3 year old, we haven't spoken in 10 years. I was blamed for all. Now that we have a new LO, and they are out of state, guess who wants back in our peaceful lives? My answer was only if dear husband lays out all the ground rules, they accept them and go by them, and apologize, and maybe we can move forward.
I would just continue doing what you're doing. Be as nice and pleasant and try not to take it personally. When you cannot (or do not want to) accommodate her wishes, politely say so. If she throws a fit, let her, but don't change your tone of voice.
Do your best to get excited about visiting her or her visits. If she feels genuinely appreciated, she'll most likely feel less of a need to be so demanding.
I wouldn't worry about exposing your daughter to her crazy grandma. It's really not going to effect her for quite some time, and by then you might have a better relationship. As much as possible you'll want your daughter to have a positive relationship with her grandmother.
Just take it easy for now and enjoy your new baby. Do what you can for your MIL and then don't worry about it!
This is a hard situation. The only thing I can think of saying watch what you say right now or it will lead to a bad situtation. A situation that your mil has caused. However I would try to just get through her obnoxious visit and dont stress yourself out. You need to rest and recover its not worth getting upset.
Your husband should "man-up" and confront his mother. He needs to be the one setting the ground rules, not her or you. However, if he won't - you'll need to be the one to do it. If it comes to that, try as politely and sincerely as possible to explain to her your wishes as far as the baby is concerned. You shouldn't feel on pins and needles around his mother, and you should NOT have to be running around making all the trips to see her. For goodness sake, you have a newborn! You had a c-section! You need to be resting and taking care of you and your baby, not traveling in the road all the time. If she backed out of plans to help you out with your dogs, she should be ashamed of herself. Excuse me, but "What was SHE thinking?" As for her advice, most new moms get it from everybody, so don't sweat it. It doesn't mean you have to take it. Just listen and say that you're doing things the way your pediatrician has instructed you. She sounds like a jealous, control freak. You'll have to decide which battles to fight with her and which ones are just not worth it. Good luck and congratulations on your new arrival!
The good news is at least your husband is aware of how his mother spoke to you and how she is acting.
Now, you and your husband need to have a conversation with each other about how each of you and then both of you are going to handle her. And Yes, I think either the both of you or your husband needs to ask her what is going on? He can recount the speaker phone incident with her.
If you are not sure, go to see a therapist and learn some techniques on how to handle this shrew..
1 Question. Has she always been this way or is this something new? If it is a new behavior, there could be something physically or mentally wrong with her causing her to act like this. If so Someone (your husband) should sit down with her and ask what is going on with her.
It is interesting because my MIL became a little more like this once our daughter was born. It was like a switch was flipped and she became a crazy person. She would volunteer to help, but then would flip out and back out of it at the last minute,.
Perfect example. I was working full time and she said she would take care of our daughter for us as our daycare. 1 week after our daughter was born she said "she could not do it!" I had to search for a caregiver!!!
It continued from there. She would say she wanted to babysit for specific times, and then THAT day cancel.
When I was a store Manager I was really short of staff, so I had to go into work, but my husband had taken on a project to make some extra money and was working on a Sat. That MORNING MIL called and said her sister was coming into town and she could not watch our child, they had "Very important things to discuss".
I had to hire a Sitter from a service, a person I had NEVER met or interviewed, it cost the amount my husband was earning for the day.. And she and her sister came to "shop" at my store!!!!
So nip this act in the bud and find out what the dealio is, or it is going to be an ongoing behavior from her..
Dont confront her, sounds like she is allready a hothead and that will make things worse. My guess is that she may have been jealous of your mom being present in the delivery room. Just try to limit your time around her and dont bring it up. Good luck. Gotta love crazy m-i-l's!
if your husband won't do it, then talk to her. it's kind of his job, since it's his mom, but it sounds like he's not willing to stand up for himself much less for you. let her know who's in charge and what constitutes polite, respectful and healthy behavior. she clearly thinks this is acceptable. WHAT IS SHE THINKING? if you let this continue it will just get worse.
good luck!
