Tips for Getting Along with MIL?

I'm in the same boat as you. I make sure to always respect my husband by not disrespecting his Mom or ever impeding on his relationship with her.

She continues to be tacky and rude, in fact, when you're describing your MIL, it sounds like you're talking about mine!

I have found that she'll never look at this as anything that she has responsibility over. If we have a troubled relationship, it's my fault. So, I'm good with doing the bare minimum. I don't have to be close to her. I just don't want to make it hard for my husband to be, so I don't.

My MIL has the best of intentions but she has a way of stepping on my husband's last nerve, and sometimes mine. Same is true for my mother.

Hubs and I are on the same page re: our respective mothers, and each others. What helps our relationship with each other, and with each of them is:
1. we recognize that the M/MIL is her own person, one who is fixed in her ways, and one to whom we can make suggestions/ requests. We are not accountable for our mothers' behavior or that of our mother in laws.
2. we try to remember that they are acting with the best intentions, even if those intentions, and attendant actions aren't aligned with our preferences, house rules.
3. we try not to have prolonged b!tch sessions about either mother. Why allow their annoying behaviors to further impede our days. Also, why raise your partner's hackles by pressing the divide of loyalty between mother and spouse.
4. we try to treat them with as much courtesy and respect as we can muster.
5. we remind ourselves, and are humbled by the fact that we too may one day be a source of great annoyance for our son and his prospective partner.
6. we have vowed to keep visits short, to take separate accommodation, and not to allow them to dictate the schedule while together.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Lots of distance and a good bit of red wine :)

I have been through a lot of what you mention above. My quick response is to keep a distance and make the best of the times that you two do share together.

Getting along is a two part solution. If you are unable to talk to her, then you are unable to resolve any issues the two of you may have. This is not entirely about your improved attitude, so don't be so hard on yourself.

She sounds just like my MIL, therefore, I don't have a suggestion along the lines of what you ask because that is all I want as well.

I did tell my husband what was going on between us because I had a hunch she was sending me up the river. He refused to listen, however, appeared very angry with me, so the next time she CHEWED me out on the telephone, I walked up to him and turned the phone on speaker. He tried to escape and I followed him. She realized she was on speaker and stopped and did it one more time and I turned her on speaker again. I had to send a message to her that she was not allowed to do this to me behind the scenes. At that point, my husband took a different attitude and realized that it wasn't just me, as she NEVER told him all the bad things she would say to me. I wish it were better, but I have to accept the relationship for what it is. What we have in common is that we love the same man.

My situation with my MIL is different than most, so I probably shouldn't answer at all. My husband has an unusual relationship with his mom. He was adopted by his grandparents as a young child, and was not raised by his mother. She is legally his sister. And no, she was not an unwed teen mother. She was married, and my husband is the younger sibling of their firstborn. They divorced not long after my husband was born.

Anyway, she is typically very careful to appear to be concilliatory about pretty much anything and everything where my husband is concerned. She knows she screwed up, and he allowed her to have a place in his life. She has pretty dysfunctional relationships with the rest of her kids too (husband's older brother, and the two younger half-siblings).
When husband and I were married, I refused to allow her to make me 2nd to herself. She tried. She was accustomed to blowing into town and "suggesting" she and my husband go out for breakfast, and tried to continue this after we were married (without me). Umm.. No. You will not sleep as a guest in my home, and then leave your spouse, me and my infant child at home while my husband takes you (and only you) out for breakfast. Sorry sista.
I also do not EVER concede the front passenger seat. And I have never, and will never concede my bed to a guest (her or anyone else). There is a guest room/bed. A sofa. The kids can sleep on the floor and you can have their bed. Or if that isn't good enough, you can get a motel at your own expense.
A few small, subtle, statements (deeds not words) will do wonders. But your husband must understand his place in it beforehand. See, my husband would never ASK me to sit in the back so his mom could sit in the front. If your husband doesn't fully agree that YOU are who he clings to and that the rest of his family is "peripheral" now, then no amount of signals or statements will make a hill of beans worth of difference in her treatment or opinion of you.

And yes... I do talk to my spouse about stuff his mom does. And he laughs right along with me.

Ugh!

I'd still address issues, in a very nice way, when they happen or soon after. She doesn't like it? Too bad...as an adult she should be able to have such a conversation. Sounds like she's passed on the whole "communcation" tact to your hubby.

Other than that...you see her 5-7 days. Wine, wine and more wine would get me through it ;) Good luck.

You MIL sounds a lot like my mom. Trust me, a heart to heart talk will only make her very upset and will make your relationship worse. I have tried this and boy, it does not work at all. What you have to do is truly come to acceptance within yourself that this is the way she is. I had to do this with my mom and it took many many years. You have to be polite/kind but detached with her. You need to not care one bit about her annoying remarks. You just have to know it is all her own insecurities and her own issues coming out. It helps that my husband and I laugh and joke about it together later. It's hard but you have to not care yet be civil. If you truly do not care then these quirks will not bother you so much. And most importantly, you and your husband have to be a team! Good luck.

I would never go into someone elses home and speak to them with disrespect, or snap at them. Sadly, not everyone has manners. You can either just shut up and take it, to keep the peace, or say something next time, which is likely to start drama. Honestly, I feel worst for my husband, as he is mainly to one that has to deal with my MIL. Sometimes I have to step into another room to laugh, so he wont see me, like the time she called everyday for a week in a complete panic about how we were taking care of our guinea pig, lol. Just be glad shes not your mom and lives out of state, it could be a lot worse.

For me, I think my MIL has taught me tolerance. I know senior citizens have thier quirks and it really is harder to teach an old human new tricks. (Yes, I've changed the saying, because I'v taught many real old dogs new tricks.) You're lucky, because your MIL doesn't live with you. Mine does. Also I think it's a lot harder for a wife and the husband's mom to get along, than it is for a husband and the wife's mom. It's kind of like having too many chefs in the same pot. One adds salt, another adds garlic, another adds tobasco sauce, another adds more salt and the soup winds up horrible. I find no matter if your right or wrong a fight/arguement with a MIL is only going to creat more tension and you can never seem to be right, until they discover days later for themselves that they are wrong. I would have never fought over stuffed animal vs. puppet. I would have just shrugged my shoulders, said "I don't see the difference, but that's ok" and walked away. I figured out that arguements are often a waste of time. I do get my points accross, but I wait for the correct opportunity usually when everyone has calmed down. Don't really care about stuff that really doesn't make a difference/impact. When your MIL said, "Try not to miss us TOO much." I would have turned it into a joke and said, "Don't worry, I won't." or "Don't worry, I think I can handle it." or "Oh, I will miss you maddly, but I'll have to deal with it...please hurry back." with arm over forehead for emphasis. I don't really try to get MIL to like me anymore. It's just like my son said, "Mom, why do you try so hard when it really doesn't matter...Just be yourself." He's right. She respects me more for being myself too. Oh, there are times when.....well you know, but that's just part of being a family. As for talking to hubby...I'm guilty as charged. I try to wait for him to complain about her first, although there are days I need someone to talk to. Hubby and I always remind either to "be like a duck," which means let all those little tiny nagging droplets of water roll right off your back.

Next time she does it, tell her it hurt your feelings, especially if it's in front of your husband. For him to deny that it's happening is really something else. You don't need a heart-to-heart talk - you need to just say flat out "Marge, that hurt my feelings. I misspoke calling the puppet a stuffed animal and it's not a big enough deal for you to fuss at me for it." Then let the chips fall where they may.

If you keep letting her talk ugly to you, the kids will think it's okay for someone to talk like that to their mother.

Don't worry about your having a better attitude. You do what you need to do. It's obvious that she wants to be the "queen" for 7 days, but you have a life to live and it doesn't always have to be only about HER when she visits.

I don't know what to say about your husband and his denial. If he hears her talk this way and STILL denies it, he's being a big jerk.

Dawn

If you don't talk to your husband or your MIL about what is going on and how you are feeling it will come out in how you treat her and how you feel. I would start by talking with DH since your relationship with her is through him. If he dismisses what you have to say or your feelings and take on things then there is a bigger problem between you and your husband. My husband has my back and I've got his. If either of our parents makes us feel uncomfortable first we talk to each other then together we try to talk to the parent if the parent won't listen then we put some healthy distance.

You are feeling how you are feeling and you need to figure out how to express it and come to some kind of terms that help you feel better. You are and adult and so is she. I would take the kit gloves off and talk to her regardless of how uncomfortable she may feel. She is making you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps a conversation like that could start with the experiences she may have had as a DIL or as a grandchild or as a parent interacting with inlaws. This will help give you a point of reference for where she is coming from and you will be better equipped to talk with her.

I would first try to get hubby to talk to her before talking to her yourself.

Surely you can tolerate this woman for a few days. She lives out of state. As long as she's not disrespectful or meddling, just ignore it. Who the hell has an argument over calling a puppet a stuffed animal? My MIL has never been mean to me and she minds her own business for the most part. We had one big issue when we first got married because she would tell my husband's troubled brothers (6 of them) to contact my husband when they had issues (needed money, bail, etc) so he could help them fix their issues. It was her way of getting them off her back. They wanted to be enabled into further dysfunction and wanted my hubby to give, give, give. I addresses that issue with her once and she stopped eventually. So, did my husband stop enabling his brothers. They haven't changed one bit. Maybe your relationship with your MIL is what it is. Figure out how to make that work without pressing for more or some magical moment that will bring you two closer. I have a friend whose MIL didn't even call her or send her condolences when she suffered a second trimester miscarriage. Not one phone call, e-mail nothing. Now that would be the straw that broke the camel's back...not sock puppets. Put things into perspective.