Hanging Out My Dirty Laundry for All to See

I have a m-i-l like this, & a mother who smothers! I told them my expectations right up front. I didn't mince words at all. It helped a lot. A lot of my friends didn't talk to their parents beforehand, & they had a lot of trouble with them after the babies were all born.

Jody,
My heart really goes out to you. I have a very similar situation that kept me in knots for years. This is going to take a lot of positive self-talk on your part, but I know you can do it. First, accept that this is who your mom is and she will not only not change, but may get worse as she gets older. Then, think about what kind of mom you want to be to your own little girl. Now, can you be that positive, loving, emotionally healthy person for her if your own mom is around and making you crazy? Of course not. So, you have to put your foot down (hard) where your mom is concerned because it's one thing if she affects you negatively and it is quite another if she affects your daughter negatively. The stress you feel in your relationship with your mom will bleed over into your relationship with your kids if you're not really vigilant. This is especially true when you have a daughter. My advice to you is this...Tell your mom that she can visit for an afternoon, maybe give her a couple of dates to choose from. Then be rock hard about it. This is your home and you are in charge of it. I'm guessing your mom might not agree without a fight so stand firm. It is far better to get this settled now than to have it drag out so your little girl can hear it when she's a couple of years old. In the meantime, while your mom tries every guilt inducing trick in the book, keep telling yourself that you are doing your parental duty. You are all that stands between your baby and the big bad world right now. It is your job to provide her with a loving, healthy environment. When you do that, you are doing a good thing. Don't ever let the toxic people tell you otherwise. Also, God bless your mil. What a jewel! I'm sorry this is long and rambling. I want so much to help 'cause I know how this is!!
Good luck and go get 'em. Be a warrior mom..fight for your peaceful kingdom! :) P.

It's almost as if I'm reading my own story from a year and a half ago. I did not want my mom to be the one staying with me after having the baby for pretty much all the same reasons you stated above. However, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I do want us all to have a relationship with one another. So I asked my husband's aunt (who we're very close to) to come and help us when we get home. I did the "unthinkable" and told my mom and the rest of my family that we wanted to try things on our own at first with no visitors. Luckily no one lives by us, so they didn't know that the aunt in law was going to be there. They didn't understand why as a first time mother I would not want help from everyone, but they also know me and know how I like to learn how to do things on my own and said okay.

The aunt just stayed for a day because she said we looked like we had been doing it for a while, and we felt okay with being alone. She did go shopping for us first, though, which was great. Then my husband had to go back to work after a week, and I had a C-Section so I knew I would need a little help (especially since all rooms were upstairs and kitchen was down). I finally asked my mom to come. She was excited but left a mess for me. She cooked, and I had to clean EVERYTHING up. I had to do the laundry, clean up her nasty cup that she put her cigarettes out in outside, turn off all the lights in the house up and downstairs, clean up her mess in the bathroom, etc. I called my husband crying because all the time I was supposed to be getting rest, I had to clean up after her. I just told her the next day that I thought I would be fine now and thanked her for staying for the night.

Now having said all that (sorry to go on, but it is just so similar to what you're saying). I would suggest something where you aren't hurting her feelings but to let her know that you just would like to have family time (your husband, you and your baby) for the first few days because you'll be sleeping when the baby sleeps anyway, so there wouldn't even really be a need for anyone and thank her for wanting to see the baby and help (or whatever). Even if you don't tell her the whole truth, try to still be sensitive to the fact that she's a grandmother wanting to love on her grandbaby before you tell her your reasons.

Does that even make sense? I wish you all the luck in the world on that! AND congratulations!!!

Hello Jodi,

First of all, congratulations to you and husband on your addition to your family. What a blessing!

This really is a touch subject, isn't it? I am the Mom of a 15 year old boy and 10 year old girl and have experienced many MIL/Mom problems myself. My best advice is to ask yourself the question..."Is she going to be part of the problem or part of the solution?" I didn't have C-sections, but understand that there is more recovery involved than delivering naturally. You will be experiencing so many changes with your body and your emotions that it really is in YOUR best interest and your husband's best interest to think of YOU. That's hard to do, but I have learned that sometimes it is okay to say no and put your foot down when it is in the best interest of everyone around. You are going to need and want your rest. You want to enjoy the time with your baby and your husband, not worry about the stress that your Mom will most likely bring to the table and has already brought to the table. Helping hands are what you will want and need. And though your Mom probably means well (in her head), you have to look out for the best interest of your family. It's really hard putting your foot down with your own Mom, but just because they are our Mom's, it doesn't mean we have to do everything they want. I love my Mom and have a good relationship with her, but I also refuse to allow her to manipulate me, and believe me, there are times where she tries. Now that I am a Mom and have two kids who keep me on the constant move, my life revolves around them and their happiness....most of the time. :) It's important to your Mom to have a relationship with her Grandchild, but it shouldn't have to come at the expense of yours, your husband's, or your MIL's sanity. She can visit the baby at the hospital while you are at the hospital and if possible, give her limitations when she comes to your house. Under no circumstances would I allow her to bring a blow up mattress into your home! I understand your comment about her not being able to look past her own needs. My Mom can be like that too and I really do feel for your situation. But Jodi, sometimes you have to say, "Mom, this isn't about YOU." It just, simply, isn't. She won't like it, but it's kind of liberating.

With all of that said, there probably really isn't a way around her not coming to visit, so implement visiting hours. Your husband or your MIL or a friend may have to "stand watch" and make sure they are enforced, but again, this time is about YOU, your husband, and your baby. Plant the seed now, so she has some time to deal with it and get over it. I could go on and on about this...in fact, I already have. I just want you to know that I understand how hard it is to really stand up to your Mom, but you have to. I sat by and let a lot of things happen without saying a word. After time, that just builds up into an unhealthy situation.

I wish you and your husband nothing but the best of wishes for a happy, healthy baby. It's such a wonderful time and you should be enjoying yourself now with the anticipation of bringing a beautiful little life into this world. I will keep you all in my prayers. It's okay to say, "It's about me."...once in a while. :)

Hi Jodi,

I do understand your predicament, but it is very simple, really it is. If your MIL is great and you two get along and she will be of help to you, then she is the one you want around. Believe me, when you get home from the hospital, the less you have to worry about the better. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW what your mother is capable of or what she doesn't do, then just FLAT OUT TELL her, Mother, thank you for the offer, but right now, I can't take care of myself much less anyone else. I have a new baby that will be needing me every 2 to 3 hours for food, I need someone who will be here to support me and help out during this time. YOu were of NO help to me during my pregnancy and cite the incidents that occurred. Tell her you do NOT need any more stress in your life and let me tell you, your hormones will be in an uproar!

Just make it very firm and tell her, when I am up for visitors to stop by and see the baby, I will let you know. Otherwise, the best help that you can be to me during all of this time is to stay away. I know that may be hurtful to her, but she needs to be told. If she is not getting this message from you, then let your husband handle it. Because when he sees how stress-out you are, he will take care of it. You will be a basketcase, I not lying to you, you will have moments of crying lapses over anything and then moments of utter exhaustion and then moments of joy!! I am trying to tell you the truth and not just the "good stuff" because I was deceived as well and no one really told me all that I would go through.

You will NOT need any more stress of ANY KIND, and if you both can't deal w/her, then have your MIL deal w/her. If she is not going to be of any help, then you don't need that.

Make her wait at least 2 weeks before even coming to visit, it will be better in the long run and make your visit about an 1 hour and then tell her she can come over another time.

Good Luck!

G. B.

Oh my goodness Jodi do I empathize with you! First of all your mother should respect your wishes. If you only want her there for a couple hours at a time, then she should understand and respect that. I'm sure a big part of it could be jealousy that that the MIL gets to stay with you and she doesn't - even though she's not helpful in the least bit! After having your c-section you'll most likely stay in the hospital about 5 days and once you go home you will be quite overwhelmed. It's a lot to adjust to! It i so great though that your MIL is so nurturing to you and will provide you the help that you'll truly need. It was prettymuch pointless for your mom to come "help" you during your bad period of morning sickness because all it did was make matters worse. Sometimes our moms can be quite selfish and don't see that they do more harm than good.

I was adopted by my grandparents when I was 5 weeks old. Up until the time when my daughter was born, my natural mother held a HUGE grudge against my grandmother for "taking me away from her". While I was pregnant with my daughter, my natural mom came for a visit. She was so concerned about she and my grandmother being there at the same time during my daughters delivery. I finally had enough and told her she needed to behave as an adult and that the two of them needed to figure this out together without me. That once my daughter was born, all I was going to care about was my new family, that their bickering or anything needed to take place somewhere else. Well, this caused a huge meltdown for my mother. Then fast forward a few more months and my daughter is coming to us 8 weeks early, what a surprise for all of us! My grandmother was in town since my daughter ended up being born on the day of my baby shower and my natural mom flew in the day my daughter was born. Anyway, I had a lot of people to begin with staying at my home while I was in the hospital. Everyone went back to Houston and my real mom stayed for another week. Part of the time I was still in the hospital and she was always there with me, I had no peace. Then the day I came home, having to come home without my daughter was hard enough. But I was so overwhelmed once I got home that all I could do was sit and cry. I was hungry, my house was a mess, there was a pile of gifts from my shower waiting for me in the living room, I needed to get back to the hospital soon to see my daughter...it was so much at once. Plus there was this woman there who was by my side all the time and she was no help at all. I had no privacy. She cooked dinner for us one night. She said she'd clean and do laundry for me but she did nothing. She laid upstairs in her bed complaining 24 hours a day about how cold she was (and this was August!). I was so frustrated and couldn't handle it, she ended up going home a few days early.

You have to pick your battles and choose the ones that are going to be the most benefit to you, not the ones that are dead weight. And you've made that decision based on what will be best for you and the new baby. Good luck with everything!! I know I wasn't much help, but I sure do understand your pain.

-Char

Does your mother live in town? Or is she out of town like your MIL?

I would suggest setting down boundaries. If you have to, write everything down first and then look over what you wrote. Even have your husband and a trusted friend read over it. If it sounds honest but not tacky, either give it to her or use it when you are talking with her on the phone. Let her know that you definitely want her as a part of your daughter's life, but that she needs to abide by the time schedule you and your husband decide on. It will not be easy (I had to do something similar with my grandmother... who can also be very selfish and hurtful with her words), but it will make you feel better to get out what you are feeling.
Best Wishes and God bless

You have done a good job explaining how you feel here.
Now tell her the same thing. From what you have said, you have been raising your mother for a while now.
This is your time with your family, don't continue to allow her to intrude.
It is only fair to tell her exactly how you feel. Otherwise you will continue in the old pattern and you and your family will suffer because of it.
Her feelings may be hurt for a while, but if she wants to me involved with your family, she will know the boundries and what is expected of her.

I know this is hard, but it's harder to say nothing and it will put a strain on any other relationships you have.
Hang in and good luck.

You don't need the stress, your recovery is going to be stressful enough. Be direct, you are an adult now and so is she. If you beat around the bush she will beat aroung your house. She will probably be upset but better her than you right now.

GOOD LUCK!

Well I guess that I am just not so nice about all of those things. For that reason my MIL has not come to our home. Yes I would let her but my husband knows that he would have to take off work the entire time she was here. I wouldn't leave her alone with my kids long enough to go to the bathroom by myself. My outlook is that there are very few times in your life that things will ever be exactlly how you want them. This is one of those times that you should do all that is in your power to have everything how you want it. This time goes by so quickly and you do not get a do over. I would tell her that she can come over after you are back to yourslef and have some kind of rutine. I would let her know that you MIL will be there helping after the C-section and that you will call her when it is ok for her to come over and that anything else is not acceptable. Good Luck!

You just need to tell her straight out. Anyone like that will not get it unless let her have it. It wouldn't change the way she feels about you, whatever that is. She doesn't see things the way they are, she has been deluding herself that she is helping you probably. Set yourself free & tell her. Now if this was your MIL you'd have a problem. Mamawil

At some point you are going to have to tell her exactly how you feel and let me tell you after the c-section you will tell her in a not so nice way. It might be easier for you to write her a letter or e-mail and tell her your feelings, concerns, and then you can read over it and edit before you send it. Let her know exactly what you want and expect. Believe me it would be better to get it out of the way now then wait until she is there with the blow up bed. You might end up saying some things that you wish you had not. I tend to handle difficult exchanges in this way because you are able to put everything down and review it before you send it to them. I wish you the best of luck. Bite the bullet and handle it now. Also, the best advice I was given after my little one was born when I had gone for 3 weeks without sleep because he would not stop crying at night is to turn on the vacuum and let it run. For some strange reason it would put him right to sleep!

Hi Jodi,
This is just my opinion but I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and discuss your fears. Make a plan together and tell him how important it is for him to stand by you. We told all involved that we didn't want any overnight guest for the first week we were home. It was a big bonding time for me, my husband and baby. If people want to help, have them get together and alternate bringing meals. This is yours and your husbands time with your new baby. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

I would say: Look back and identify the pattern...historically, how long does it take being around your mother before it goes bad and you stop enjoying your mother? Once you identify that, make it a rule to shorten all visits so that they end BEFORE they go bad. That way, all visits end on a good note, thereby allowing you guys to build a lifetime of happy memories, not tainted ones. If you always start feeling resentful within a day, set the visit up ahead of time to ensure it ends within a few hours. If you always start feeling resentful by the 1 week mark, set the visit up ahead of time so that it ends on the 5th or 6th day; never let the visits last the whole 1 week. Etc, etc.

A.

Jodi,
I feel for you...my situation was a little different. My mother passed away before my baby was born, so I thought my MIL would be a big help-I was WRONG!! She stayed at the hospital...in a pop-up bed right next to me the whole time!!Drove me crazy. She messed up my room...left her dirty clothes out...took showers in my hospital room...everything and it stressed me out. The nurse even asked if I wanted her to ban everyone from coming in so I could rest!! Don't let her do you that way in your own home. Of course, she is your mom, but this is your baby that needs you to be at 100% for her, so I say let your mom know how you feel and stick by it-it is hard and I pray it all works out!God bless and congrats...girls are awesome!!

Maybe you can have your mom stay with you in the hospital? The nurses there are great and they will help you with everything...but your mom will feel important at the same time? And when its time to go home she should have had her initial fix of hanging out with the grandkid. You can also have her take care of the groceries etc. (delegate most of the outside errands to her) so that your MIL is not doing everything...and can focus on things around the house. You are a lucky woman to have a MIL who is nurturing...mine is the same way and it was a BIG help (my mom is great too but couldn't be around due to my father's health).

Omg I have the same problem with my mother. She promises to do this and do that but at the end NOTHING!!! I tried to look past my mother's crazy character for the sake of starting a close knit family and that failed. My mother in law is really helpful. I have just accepted the fact that my mom is just terrible at keeping promises and being a grandmother. My mom was even terrible at being my mom. I always had to do for her just like you had to for your mother. Finally I just told my mom about what I felt bluntly and now she just keeps her distance. If we don't keep our distance then we argue alot. Its better this way.

say mom I do not want you to come. when you come you are not helpful you are more like a burden.
sometimes you have to put your foot down. i know they are parents and we should respect them. but sometimes they act so childish.

I'd tell her the truth and tell her not to come. You don't need that stress especially after a c-section. I had one and it's a painful recovery. You need people taking care of YOU, not the other way around. You are going to have enough to deal with with your recovery, breastfeeding(which isn't easy), bonding with your baby, getting your dogs to adjust to the baby, no sleep and the list goes on. It's best not to mince words especially at this time. You might piss some family members off(I know I did!), but you have to do what is best for you and your family. If you don't want someone to come visit, tell them in a nice way and allow them to visit when YOU are ready.

Take care!
N.

I was in a similar situation, and this is how I handled it. I discussed my concerns with my husband as well as reminding him that I could completely understand her wanting to be as much a part of things as possible. That because of the way she "helped"melast time she said she would, I would like to handle it this way. ( only for a few hours a visit...) He agreed, had a few ideas, and then i went to her with our stipulations knowing I had his support!! Good luck
PS Your husband wants you happy, and as long as you are upfront and trying to be fair he will respect that and help.

OK, this is going to sound harsh, so don't be offended. You are going to have to quit worrying about hurting your mother's feelings. She's a grown woman. If you get gut-level honest with her, she will be angry. She might not speak to you. She might refuse to come see her new grandchild. This will all hurt you. BUT (!) The truth will set you free. You will have peace in your home. We women are raised to fear hurting other's feelings and feeling responsible for everyone around us. The fact is--that little lie has hurt and probably killed thousands of women (stress is a leading cause of heart disease and cancer...and feelings all bottled up is the worst kind of stress.) You don't have to be mean or rude, you can even say what you have to say in a kind, gentle way. But say it you must, and right now. Good luck, and God bless you and your growing family.

OK were we twins seperated at birth!?!?!??!

I too am in love with my MIL and have a hard time relating to my mother - She was an amazing mother just like you said not very nuturing! My mother constantly asks when her and daddy will get to baby sit our little princess (also a heprin mircale like yours) She has yet to even change a diaper (Mallory is now 9 months!!!)

I also had a c-section so I went this route - "Mom I love you and want you to see the baby when born but I am going to be in so much pain after surgery why dont you stay with my sister and you can come when I feel stronger" I hope you have a sister/family near that you can pawn her off on!

Hope this helps!

Well, I think you're very lucky to have two Mom's coming to help you out after your C-section. My friend is divorcing and both her parents have passed so she will be having a C-section and coming home from the hospital....by herself. Plus she has a 5 and 10 year old to care for too. I'm certainly not trying to take away from your problem and agree that you have a situation to deal with. I just think if you remember that it could be worse not to have anyone to help...that might bring things into perspective. Not many Moms have help from even one one person for a full month! I'm sure you are thankful to have them both ; )
If it were me, I'd warn the MIL about your Mom that way you won't have to stress about what your Mom is or isn't doing. You can relax and enjoy your new baby!! It sounds like your MIL is a very nurturing and caring woman so I'm sure she'll help however she can even if that means dealing w/ your Mom too.
I imagine it must be hard to eplain to your Mom that you'd rather have MIL stay then her. Or that MIL is staying for the month but she can only come periodically. That would be really tough! Maybe your MIL will inadvertently rub off on your Mom. Your Mom may even step it up a bit because she'll see what your MIL is doing.

Jodi,

Good for you for seeking advice! You are in a difficult position, but I encourage you to take care of yourself first. There is nothing wrong with that! It really sounds as if your mom is very narcissistic (could be a true personality disorder or just the way she chooses to live). She wants to play the role of a good mother and now a devoted grandmother, but she doesn't want to do the work.

I would wholeheartedly embrace your mom-in-law, who will actually take care of your needs at this special but challenging time. And I would tell Mom she is welcomed to visit in the afternoons, from 1-3 p.m. but not spend the night, since "your doctor" told you not to have a house full of people while you are recovering from major surgery and taking care of a newborn. I would set it up with MIL ahead of time to help you get her out the door at 3 p.m. You could even just retire to your bedroom and let her handle the task of getting Mom out the door.

I don't think there is anything wrong with making it clear, in a kind but firm way, that you really want your mom to enjoy her new grandchild, but you already know that she isn't able to be the kind of help you need. It's okay to tell her that you know from experience that your MIL will give you the help you need, so she is the one who gets to stay in the house. Try to stay unemotional but make it clear that you don't feel guilty about this! And give her the affirmation she needs that you love her and want her to be part of this wonderful new experience with you, but it has to be on your terms. You will be demonstrating the very healthy action of self-care and reasonable boundaries, and it will "pen your mom in" to the level of interaction you can handle and stay sane! :) Who knows? Your good example could actually help your mom take more responsibility for her behavior.

Good luck! That first baby is the most precious experience in your life. I'm so glad you will have someone who knows how to take care of you and your house and let you focus on loving your baby and getting plenty of rest. Your mom deserves respectful treatment and a place in your child's life, but you deserve the right to define how that will happen. It sounds like you love her, even if you know her well, so God bless you in working through all of this without hurting feelings too much. Enjoy that baby!

I know it might be hard, but you've got to let your mother know how you feel. The days after having a baby - whether through natural birth or c-section - are trying enough with out some selfish person camping out on your floor and making messes for you to clean up. If she shows up, it's just going to cause tension and stress for everyone. Be blunt and honest. Tell her she can come by for an hour or 2, but not for days on end.

I agree with Gladys and D D. First, tell your mother "No" you are not coming to my house when I get out of the hospital. I have made arrangements and I do not want you there.

Second, tell her you would love for her to stay with you in the hospital and be the first one to see the baby.

If she doesn't like it and has a cow, hang up. You haven't learned this yet since this is your first baby, but YOU have all the power once a grand baby is born. You mom will come back at some point and she will learn to modify her behavior to get what she wants (seeing the baby).

Tell your mother this is about her and don't feel guilty for what she's doing to you. I know it's easier said than done, but my advice is to always be honest. If that ends up hurting her feelings than once again she's making it about her, but at least you'd get your point across. Maybe you should tell her all the examples you just listed of why you don't want her to come. Good luck!

Your health and the baby are the most important things right now, not her feelings. Tell her that MIL asked to come first, and you agreed that it would be a good idea. Have her come when the baby is a month or more old, when you are healed and getting the hang of having a new born. Once your patterns/schedules with the baby are set, she would be easier to handle. BUT- put your foot down, she doesn't come at the beginning, while MIL is there. You don't need the stress, and neither does the baby. If she protests too much, have your husband put his foot down, too. Hope it works out!

Check out this book http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/031024... it comes HIGHLY recommended. YOu don't need the stress & your mom needs to grow-up!

D.

I feel for you. This is a touchy subject, but I would just put my foot down. Tell your mother that this is going to be a very stressful time, that you will be recovering and exhausted from having a newborn in the house and can only handle one person in the house at a time. So you will let her know a time that she can come over and for the health of the baby and your speedy recovery ask her to stay for only a few hours. I know this sounds awful, but you may have to really confront this situation.

I have an aunt like your mother, and she drove my cousin to distraction. Lucky for everyone, my cousin finally put her foot down and told her mother that if she wasn't going to change, she wasn't going to have anything to do with her. As hard as it was, she hasn't talked to her mother in years. My best friend had to do the same thing, her mother was using prescribtion drugs and was passing out and acting wierd, and she told her mom that she would not have a relationship with her her until she went to rehab.

I am in the exact same situation, except it is my step mother that acts like your mother. I have basically told her already (not due until July 22nd) that she can come over for a a couple of hours when she wants to visit the baby, but she is NOT allowed to stay. You just have to put your foot down and make sure that your husband is supporting you on this as well. The other option is to tell her that you will come visit her, but you would rather her not come over to your home. That way you are in control of how long to stay.

Jodi,

First off let me say this "Congrats"!

You are right this is a VERY touchy subject. I went through the same thing only in reverse. It is my MIL that is a pain in the rump and my mother was coming into town to help me with it all. I tried to be as respectful as I could and I told my MIL that I didn't mind her coming to the hospital after the birth, but I did not want her at the house until I was fully recovered. At first she did not understand. I inturn decided to give her full disclosure. OK that meant BRUTAL honesty. Something this person has never had to deal with. I told her that due to our relations that I could not handle the stress of her being around and a brand new baby as well. I asked her to respect my decision not to have her in the home. I promised her that I would make a special time for her to come in and visit with her new granddaughter. She appreciated my honesty. I did make a time for her to come down for a visit and in all honesty it worked out so much better. I was fully rested, we had the baby on a schedule, and I was in a good place where I could deal with her and her insanity.

I will keep you close in prayer as I KNOW how much you will need it. LOL

Good luck with the birth and remember you MUST relax. This is not the time to get stressed out over your Mom. It is enough anticipation just thinking about the pending birth of your little one.

Dene' H.

First of all..congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your baby..and second of all..you HAVE to join Dallas Area Moms..because, after reading your post, I felt a strange dejavu..it will be a wonderful source of support for you..www.dallasareamoms.com just check it out and see what you think..I am A., and my screen name is 7issufficient (since I am the mother of 7 children, lol)..

and about your situation..at the old age of 36, I have found, that having toxic people in my life is just not conducive to being a good wife and mother (the things I am first and foremost)..so, with that said, and knowing good and darn well, she will only cause you stress, tell her exactly how you feel..tell her how you feel about how she "helped" when you had your morning sickness back in November..tell her that when you get settled in with your sweet little baby, you will let her know when a good time for a visit will be. I am not sure if she lives far away or not from your post, but maybe she could stay with a nearby relative or something if she needs to stay over night somewhere..don't let your mom ruin your first experiences as a mother. If her feelings get hurt, then so be it..it's not she has never hurt your feelings, right? Good luck!

Hi Jodi,
I can say try not to worry and stress over this but I know this has to been resolved. I echo the other advise, stagger ALL help one week or so out, including your husband if he is taking time off. We don't have family in town, so my husband took the first week off, then his mom came for a week, then my aunt came for a week. We created our schedule in advance b/c my husband travels for work. But eveyone knew when they were to come and it really worked out.

Good luck!
D.

The best advice I ever got was when dealing with a similar situation, was "If the person doesn't have normal behaviour, than you can't expect the to be normal and you can't treat them like they are normal."

That being said, now is a time to take care of YOU and not cater to someone that will hinder you at this time. She should be treated like a guest since that is how she acts. So when you feel ready to start entertaining, then let her come and destroy your home, but until then, surround yourself with positive people. :)

WOW! Usually its the MIL causing so many probs. I think you need to communicate with your mom... This can be a great time to patch up this relationship. Talking can be hard, so if you can't do that, write a letter. This can help you organize you thoughts and feelings. But before you give it to her, wait at least 24 hours, read it again. Then change things that may seem harsh. Be honest, but in a loving uplifting way. I hoe this helps. Good luck! I will pray for you.

I am sorry that you have to worry about this. I completely agree with you that a 2-3 hour visit at a time during the first couple of weeks is more than enough. I had 2 c-sections and the recovery is tough especially if you are planning on breast feeding. I think you need to be straight forward with your mom and lay out the rules. If possible maybe you and your hubby can do it together both for moral support for you you and also to show a united front for her. Make sure you explain that you want her to see her grandchild and you don't want to keep them apart but at this point in your life you are going to be the selfish one and get what you want. By the way I had morning sickness too so I feel your pain there. I had to carry a trash can around with me at work.

Jodi

Hi, my name is S. and I can say I that I can truly relate to your situation. To make a story short, my MIL is much more nurturing than my own mother. I also had a C-section and it was my MIL who flew down to help me. Infact I resented my mother a little for it. Though eventually I forgave her and learned not to compare her to my MIL.
At one time I didn't feel comfortable letting her know the ways my MIL is much more nurturing and all the things she would do for me. I didn't want it to look like I was boasting or trying to hurt her feelings, but sometimes even though the truth hurts in helps when the motive is right.
Now everytime my mother would ask I will reveal my appreciation for my MIL and descreatly tell her how my MIL is a big help to me, I could detect a little jealousy but it also helped my mom realize that at times she can be selfish. Slowly but surely she started to do more.
I think right now, the best thing is for you to be honest with yourself, and it's o.k. to put you and your baby first. Let your mom know that since your MIL is coming down to help this will be an opportunity for her to bond with her grandchild, and for the sake of your recovery you'd like to keep the visitation to a minimum. Or you could just let things work itself out. Your MIL may enjoy your mom's company and your mom can witness your MIL in action showing her what it takes to help out. It's a touchy subject and fortunately my situation has smoothed out for me.
I think by now my mother gets it.. that when It come to helping out I prefer my MIL, but I do by best to let her know that she is still my mother and I love her for who she is.

Dear Jodi,

My heart goes out to you. You most definitly do NOT need this stress now, or after the birth of your little one!
If you are not able to keep her from showing up, perhaps an advocate, like another family member (hubby, siblings etc...) can talk to her for you. Please don't feel guilty at all, you are thinking of what is best for your family. NO ONE, not you or your precious little one, needs stress like that during the first few days home from the hospital.

I wish you the very best of luck,

S.

Oh girl, this is a tough one!! Maybe you could suggest to your mom that she come spend more time after MIL leaves, so that you can continue to have a little more help. By then you should be feeling better, and more comfortable with the mom thing! And, maybe it would help your mom if you had a list of things you wanted to accomplish each day, and see which things she feels like she could be most helpful with. It is very difficult to stand up to your mother, especially now that your hormones are making you alittle wacky anyway!! It does not seem fair to have to cater to her, but maybe if you make her feel needed after your MIL leaves, she would be more accommodating. If you dont get the sense that it is working though, then you may just have to be more firm and specific about things. Easier said than done I know, could your husband help you find a way to stand up for yourself, even be there with you to coach you through the things you planned on saying, but now cant seem to find the strength. This is not a fair time for you to be dealing with her emotional instability, but it seems like you have dealt with this for a long time. Best of luck to you, and lots of positive thoughts coming your way!! ~A.~ Ohh, one more thought, if all else fails, blame it on the doctor by saying that his orders are for only a certain amount of time with visitors etc..