Being a Stepmother

Right now she feels threatened. She was "Daddy's Little Girl." She was the alpha female before you. She is trying to defend her ground. Spend as much one-on-one time with the 11 year old as possible. Do fun things that she would like, and even some things that she's never tried. I would say snow tubing and ice skating, but I know you're pregnant. Low impact things are all right. Try to build that relationship with her. You have to build trust between the two of you. Then her attitude will begin to change.

Step parenting is quite difficult, especially when the biological parent/ parents are immature and only think of themselves. This child is getting caught up in an adult situation, and her mother is asking her to do her bidding. It is unfair. I would recommend that your husband either speaks with the courts about this, or all of you go for family counseling. Things will definitely get worse before they get better.

J., I know what you are going through. This happened (and still does to a certain extent) with my stepdaughter and her mom. My husband has physical custody and whenever she comes back from visiting her mom we have issues to deal with. She's a fantastic kid and divorce is so hard on any child. All I can say is keep loving her no matter what and get counseling for the three of you. That helps tremendously. She will realize in time what her mom is doing to her. It will get better.

J.; this is a very tough situation. i would say to you, don't fight with her, even if she's being terrible; if she won't cooperate, for now, let it go; try to let her dad do most of it. and don't blame her mother, even if you think you are speaking when the girl can not hear you; kids hear amazing things. only say nice things about her mother. lastly, i would consider talking to your priest of rabbie or family therapist, this is very hard to do alone. the truth is, there might not be any answers to this, it might just be very hard for all her teen years. maybe when the baby comes she can help you take care of it, if she likes that. she might need another outside adult, like a favorite teacher or aunt to talk to. try to always be the adult here and put yourself second and her feelings first. good luck.

Has he spoken to his ex about this. Have him talk to her and let her know that if she doesn't stop getting her daughter to act out this way that he will be taking her back to court and push for supervised visitation or worse. She needs to know that if she truly had her daughters best interest in mind she would stop this immediately. If she doesn't then pursue it in the courts.

She is 11....and probably smarter than she is given credit for.

I am divorced with a now 14 yr old. My ex pulled similar things...
went as far as sending home wedding pictures with her... blaming me for the family not being together (ok, we seperated before her 4th birthday...he should be over it by now).

He puts down everything I do, as though we have a competition going on ....who turned out better after the divorce....
Does everything to make my life sound so bad and he's doing better...it's silly, but I accept it as his mentality and part of the reason we are apart.

When she was with me, she bad mouthed him, when she was with him, she bad mouthed me.

I know its not the same situation...but at 11...I sat her down with notes I took.
I told her...

When I was little...my mother played games to hurt my father. As an adult, I see it different now. I see how nasty and childish it was. And I wish I had seen more of my father when I was little....I only visited him 2-3 times a year. Christmas, Easter and a week in the summer. It was so mean to him.

She is not winning points with me by bad mouthing him...I am smart and know she enjoys his company too. So it needs to stop because it makes her look like a nasty manipulative brat. I explained to her that I was happy she had a Dad to go visit and he's not in Jail, drug rehab or just AWOL from her life. She can whine to me all she wants....but she WILL go visit, so make the best of it. I'd rather she be inconvenienced with the visitation than have her resent me as an adult for not having a relationship with her father.
AND
He should be happy that his daughter is being raised in a good environment...and not cause drama either.

I told her bad mouthing one to the other only starts the same caddy behavior that children do....talk about someone to elicit the other person to do so. So if you bad mouth me to your father unfairly and make things up, it will just make him say nasty things about me and be nasty towards me thinking I'm a horrible person if he believes the things you say.

I had just started staying with my boyfriend back when she was 11 turning 12, we were not really moved in, but she had her own room and bathroom in the house...So, I also discussed her bragging about her new home and room to them...it made him resentful towards me. Bragging breeds envy and will be hurtful to him to brag.

I also said bad mouthing him to me is no longer acceptable behavior. I explained that I refused to act like a little kid and bad mouth him for her enjoyment. It's rude and immature. My boyfriend absolutely would not allow her to bad mouth her father in his presence. I really acted disgusted by the childish behavior and bad mouthing. Unless it was something bad that would involve police, Child Protective Services, or me showing up at their door...I was not interested in hearing about it in a negative way.

I explained that if someone is bad mouthing me....she does not have to join in. If she wants it to stop, to simply say, it's really mean to bad mouth my mom....and, it would be a huge wake up call to have your immaturity pointed out by an 11yr old.

It was shortly afterwards that she began to discuss things more maturely...only talk negatively about things that are truly negative on her visit and without exageration. I think she is happier at both homes now...concentrating on positive visits at both places, not negativity towards the one you're away from.

I'm thinking if you (actually her father) sat her down and let her know how immature it is to not accept her fathers choices she may realize she is acting inappropriately. He needs to tell her that her behavior is not only making everyone resent her mother, but making her act disrespectful towards her father. She is constantly insulting him for his choices too. Explain that he doesn't want negativity towards her mother felt from him, so she needs to stop bringing the drama into the house. If she has a legitimate complaint about her step parent, then ok...but otherwise it's unacceptable behavior.
Perhaps if she stopped making your life miserable, she'd find out your a great person too. There is a reason she lives there and not with her mother...and her mother making her into a nasty little girl is going to be added to the list of reasons. The court won't let her live with mom....perhaps she'd be happier with foster parents? Distant relatives? Detention home?...boot camp?

If she stopped creating drama between the two of you....visiting her mother would be more positive and welcomed by her Father (and maybe someday the courts). Make her look ahead...When she has special events...it would be nice to have both parents be able to be there "civil"...8th grade graduation, birthday parties, School events.....someday...her wedding. Her parents still need to get along since they will always share her....and the grandchildren.

Life could be worse...stop whining like a three yr old.

There are two choices.....
1. Resent her fathers choice in partners and be miserable. Make her father miserable.
Make you miserable.
She won't change her mothers situation, in fact it probably makes it worse, so she continues to be miserable too.

OR

2. Be mature and accept what she cannot change. People divorce and new people join the family. It's a fact of life. Get over her mothers resentment and accept there is just more people in her life now to care for her....which can be a very good thing if she let it be.
It still may not change the mothers situation because it is a legal issue too....but it won't hurt it. It will help her mothers situation if it wasn't so nasty.

You will be amazed at how much she will comprehend.

I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. She is old enough to know she is doing something wrong, but she is still a kid. That age is difficult for ALL parents. I would start by talking with her about things in general. She needs empathy. What would you want to hear if you were in her situation. Her parents are not together- this is hard for any child- no matter what age. THey never get over this. Talk to her and listen to her. You are right in saying that you are not her mother, but you are in her life. She needs to respect your rules and you need to respect her. I would see if you can devote a day to her. Do what ever she wants- go get your nails done- shopping. Just the 2 of you. Be there for her as a friend, and realize that she is young, you are the adult and you have to figure this out. You can't give in to the frustration. She is more frustrated and hurt. Good luck!

Hi J....the only thing I was thinking maybe to help you bond with her was your pregnancy...she's 11 years old...it could be interesting to her how the baby grows, and moves and how she could feel it move. I don't know if that helps at all, but as I was reading the suggestions below I was thinking how when my youngest was born my girlfriends daughter was around 11 and she was just enamored by my pregnancy. Just a thought. I really hope it all works out for you. Just love the girl...I know that's probably difficult and easier said than done, but I think that's why it has a big effect...she's testing you.

Hello J.,

I really feel for you! Due to a very weird family dynamic of my own, my father's 11 year old daughter (my half sister) has come to live with me and my two year old daughter. My sis is coming from a household that is completely opposite of the type of home I was reared in and as a result we butt heads on many things concerning respect. behavior, work ethic, etc. Seeing as she views me as a sister it has been a hugestruggle transitioning over to an authoritative figure/guardian for her, which has been the source of much of the tension.

I have found that what works best seems to be this chart that I have created. It acts as a faux bank account wherein "money" can be deducted or added based on her behavior. On her chart money is deducted and/or added for doing well/bad on a test (+/-), lying (-), not listening (-), (un)tidyness (+/-), performance on howework (she can get anywhere from -5 to +5 depending on her effort and how proactive she is about starting her homework without being told to do so), self care (+/-), chores (+), etc.

In this way, I rarely ask her to do anything. If she decides to clean the kitchen, vacuum the carpets and take out all of the trash, great! If she decides to skip out on her showers she knows the consequence. I don't even have to say a word, she just goes over to her chart and realizes where she is slacking... and she knows that I am always watching. She also knows that if her "bank acct" is in the negative that she can not come along on weekend family outings, go outside or play with friends which gives her an incentive to keep her acct in the positive.

I know that she has alot of work a head of her but having this chart ensures that she at least respects me, herself and my household even if it is for selfish reasons. I need to know that my two year old is not picking up on any of her bad habits from back home and the chart enables this if nothing else.

With her faux bank acct, my sis was able to buy a cheap prepaid cell phone and in order to keep it up and running she has to do well around here, which means doing above and beyond on her homework, helping around the house, respecting her body by dressing it well, bathing and self-care and by steering clear of all of the negative behavior that affects her "funds".

Perhaps, this will help alleviate the situation with your 11 year old. It works for me because I never have to say a word, which ensures peace and quiet around here (most of the time!). But it also seems like the issue is your step-daughter's mom. Maybe you can tell your eleven year old that because her mom loves her so much she is asking her to do outrageuos, and potentially harmful, things without thinking about the consequences. And maybe you should stress that her mom's reasoning is not the best right now given the situation. Perhaps, if anything, this will get her to think twice about her mother prompting her to ruin your family life. If she can view her mother as the wrongdoer while still understanding that her mother is doing wrong out of love, maybe she'll shape up. I dunno.

GOOD LUCK!

sorry my response is a bit delayed, haven't been on here in a while...
i guess my answer would be, try to act as if it isn't phasing you, try to act confident and know your place in the house as the MOTHER. I know you're not her mother, and you know that, but in your home, you are the adult and parent figure. And the most important thing is that your husband backs you up 100% like you say he does :)
Telling her (and her mother!!) that you're not trying to take over being her mom, just her step-mom which is a very different and unique role from mother, might help. After a while I had to have a talk with my step-daughter's mom to let her know i wasn't a threat, i'm just one more person to love her daughter but that her daughter knows who her mom is. Since our big talk (which involved a lot more than that), things have improved, because to her i'm not as big of a threat and i think that's the root of your problem, that her mother is putting those thoughts in her head, and what daughter doesn't want to make her parents happy. You need to help her mother realizing how much this tension and the things she is encouraging her to do are hurting her daughter!! Poor thing is stuck in the middle.
On the flip side, i think in these situations it's important to spend one-on-one time with her (as i saw in some previous responses). Find things that you both like to do, if that's possible, and do them with just her, let her get to know you better. Or, if there's not commonality, do something that she likes to do, let her teach you something. Just show her you're very interested in what she likes.
I know it's so much easier said than done, but i've seen the one-on-one time make a difference in a situation very much like yours. hope things work out okay!!!

Hi J., saw your post as the feature of the week,

I am sure you have had your baby by now, Congrats!!
I am wondering if your new baby has helped improve yourrelationship with your Step daughter ?

M

i too am a stepmom. i think it is the hardest of all motherly jobs.yep thats right its a job to be a mom and even harder to be step mom.when my step son was 11 he shot me in the face with a b.b. gun.i was in shock and dismay. i did not know wether to beat the snot out of him or just call some one.i opted for the latter.well, his mom was doing the same thing.she gave the boy hope that her and his dad would reunite.we filed for full custody and left state.when i took him for his shots to enter the school system.i told the dr's to act as if this child had never seen a dr. b4.needless to say they diagnosed him with adhd,and multiple personalities.thru extensive therapy and testing we found out he had surpressed memories of being abused,not just by his mom but by several of male friends.the mom was using the kids fear of repeats actions to try to get his dad and i to part ways.by telling him that if i stayed i would some of the same tortures to him.so he tried everything on her words to get me to leave.i stayed for two more years ,even after they tried to say i was a child abuser( none of witch the d.s.s. or police could find evidence on)then i left.it is not an easy task to take on but please be patient and keep trying.the psychiatrist told me that all this kid talked about in therapy was me.because he loved me and i was the only adult he trult trusted.i never lied to him and i always tried to show how much he meant to me.i set aside time everyday(10 mins or so) for just us.we would put puzzles together any thing to break the ice.recently he called me (he is 17 now)and asked if he could come to live with me.all i can say is in the end you will prevail.it may take longer but you will.when it gets to be too much go in the bathroom look in the mirror and say to your self out loud why you are there and that all will be ok in the end.the child will come to love and respect you as time passes.as far as how much time i can not say.keepup the excellent work mom.

Individual and family counsiling are my best bet. It helped in my family. Beyond that she needs you to love and respect her no matter how hard she tries to hurt you. She may not realize it for years but she will appreciate it later in life. She can learn a lot from you.

you should consider putting her in therapy it could help.