Bad Influence with Friend

E.,

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for this situation, I would like to hear what others have to say, though, because I am in a similar situation with my son and a few of his pre-school friends.

Good luck,
Mel

Hello E.. I don't know if this would help or not, but maybe you could have the other child come to your house to play. I know my daughter behaves better at other ppls house than mine. Maybe the little one will be more well-behaved at your house without his mom there. You and your little one could teach him by the way you inter act how to behave better. I have better days when my 4 y/o has a friend to play with. Best of luck!

I have had a similar problem with my 5 yr old son. I had a private conversation with the teacher about my feelings and the parenting differences. The teacher agreed to monitor the friendship in the class. When at home, any playdates were at my house. That way if it was my house.... my rules. And I found reasons not to go to their house. Soon enough, the other child didn't like to be at my house because of my rules and my son noticed that rules were there for a reason. They are still friends, but there is space. This is my suggestion. Because talking to the other mother is a sticky subject. And she also has a right to parent how she wants. So just change the things you can on your end. Hope it all works out.

From a mother of 6, pick there friends, it will save you a lot of hart-ach later.

Everyone's parenting strategy is different. My best friend and her husband grew up in homes where they were able to "be kids" and be loud, run around and have at EVERYTHING. I and my husband on the other hand were the COMPLETE opposite. We were taught that children were to be seen and not heard. I am not saying I put the same rules upon my children, but they way you grow up has a lot to do with how you raise your children. Personally, my kids and Tammy's kids LOVE eachother. When they are around eachother they are loud, annoying, and inseperable. I am happy that my children have that kind of a bond with a close friend of mine's children. I look past the way that she does things and how she lets the kids 'run amuck'. It's not for me to judge. As long as your child knows the difference of there and "here" you are good. If your son has a playdate over at the other child's house politely tell her, "we do not give him that much candy, or that many drinks. He is only allowed two so that he doesn't wet himself" or something alongs those lines. If you explain YOUR parenting skills to the other parent they are more succeptable to listening then just a cut off. Your son might lose a lifelong friend because you don't agree with the other mother.
Also, make sure that your child knows the rules of your house. If he starts acting out (I have had to do this with my son when he is around Tammy's kids) then tell him "you wont go back, or you wont see him for a long time" that usually gets my 4 year old to straighten up pretty quick.

I cannot ask a question because the website keeps saying something went wrong. My question is very similar. The difference is that my son is 11 and the parents of the bad influence child are taking advantage of my desire to help them. They just show up and try to take my son to their house without any warning and also try to drop their children off at my house without warning. The boy asks every time we see him if he can spend the night or if my son can spend the night and tries to argue with me when I explain that we have to plan things and not just spring it on each other. The grandmother rarely ever corrects the children, but when she does she just screams at them and speaks very harshly. The boy wants too eat any and all junk food in my house, but when I offer healthy food he is no longer hungry. He will not take a shower when he spends the night even when I ask him to. I am a Christian and I want to be an example for this family, but it is becoming a big problem. My younger children are becoming less self controlled since this family's presence in our lives. Their attitudes have changed drastically. The boy that my son has made friends with does not respect me or the rules of my home. He gets angry when I make him do anything he does not want to. He deliberately disobeys me while looking me right in the eye. My husband has told me to cut off all ties and end this now, but I am not sure that is what God wants me to do. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that this family has been placed into our lives for a reason. Just not sure what that reason is or how I should respond. Nothing found in proverbs so far. Keep coming up with, "Do not cast your pearls before the swine." I know that may be the answer to my question, but everything inside me screams to just love them. Am I being naïve as my husband says or am I hearing the Spirit? So confused!

This is a fairly typical situation, and good for you for recognizing it for what it is.

I recommend disengaging by gently turning down invitations to birthday parties and playdates. You don't have to give a big explanation or apologize. Simply state that you have other plans that day, even if your plans are just to stay home.

Eventually, this family will get the idea and you will have given yourself the luxury of maintaining a measure of control over the types of children your child is exposed to. The window for having this type of control is very small, and will only get smaller the older your son gets. Take advantage now!

Best of luck to you.

I know how you are feeling. My situation involves a family that has been very close to us for a few years now. The children also run their home instead of the parents. I hear so many idol threats while i am with this mom but she never follows through. On the occasion that I have her children here without her it is like night and day the difference in how her children behave for me verses how they behave for her. The minute she is back in the picture these kids lose control of good behavior and walk all over her. She knows they are different for her then others but she still does not demand their respect. I have her children over on occasion for play dates because they really do well for me. But she keeps inviting me to bring my kids there and leave them with her so i can get a break at times and i just find any excuse possible not to because i don't want my children learning the behaviors that her children display while they are with her. Our situation is really sticky. I also believe that her oldest has some issues that need to be evaluated by the school system because they have the proper people in play to diagnose her child. And I believe these issues go beyond adhd. He actually reminds me of children I have seen with aspbergers(sp?)syndrome..but I am no professional. Part of me knows once the mother gets out of denial and gets her son evaluated like his pre-school suggested then progress will begin in how they work with him to help his behavior. Her other children I feel have just learned bad behavior from their older sibling. But again a lot of it has to do with the fact that regardless of any issues the parents just don't follow through or don't agree on how to handle things. I honestly feel bad for this family because it takes a lot of love from people to look beyond what they see with these children and be willing to work with them, but at the same time I am also to a point where if things don't change soon I am going to have to break ties. For right now I am waiting it out to see what the parents do with what their pre-school has suggested.

I was in a similar situation and waited too long to cut ties. Do it now, before it becomes worse. I finally had to tell the parents that I just didn't think it was healthy for our girls to play together. The mom is a bit overbearing...actually kind of a scary woman, but I stood my gound and she finally saw that I wasn't kidding and I wasn't gonna back down. I tried everything I could before that happened... I requested they be put in different classes, I talked with the parents, her aunt, her much older sister, I suggested she might be good in a team sport...nothing worked. Good Luck in whatever you choose.

My daughter is 5 and she goes to preschool where manners are greatly emphasized. Then she plays with my dear friend's grandchildren and comes home saying things like "Okay, could we just not talk about this anymore?!" with her head cocked to the side and her hands on her hips. NOT acceptable.

But, because I want to keep the friendship, I am very blunt. "I love you but my daughter can't speak to me the way your grandkids speak to you" - but I'm not judging. It is entirely their decision what they want to put up with, but they know what I won't put up with.

What I'm saying, though, is that unless this is something you really WANT to preserve, then don't. You are making a hard decision either way. In these situations, I start out vague "Oh, no, I won't be able to do that, thank you for inviting me, though" and if I am eventually pressed, "Okay, why haven't I seen you? What's wrong? Did I offend you?" (most people won't go this far if they're not that close) then I am ready to say something along the lines of "I see your son doing this... and I'm afraid my son will think he can, also, when he can't. I don't want him doing it, teaching it to my other children, creating a lot of chaos at home, etc."

I think most people respect honesty when it's asked for and given - even when they don't like what they're hearing.

Hi E..

I've seen a variety of parenting styles and I know I've been judged for mine (things are different with a special needs child and many don't understand why traditional methods don't work in my household). That being said, do consider that the other mom may be dealing with a completely different child than any of yours and, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she is likely doing the best she can with what she knows. That "hyper" child you describe may even have ADHD or something else driving his behavior.

Having said that, I have backed off from some families based on how well my son handles the social situation with them. My son is the opposite of the child you describe - he tends to be very emotional. Some of the kids his age are very hyper and very rough and my son just does not do well with that. I don't think it is bad to steer your children in directions that best suit them.

One thing I do is increase exposure to more positive situations where my son does very well. I find that the more time spent together, the more the relationship is reinforced. So meeting up at parks or restaurants with children and families that you feel comfortable with is building that bond. We go to play at parks, go bowling, to Magic Castle, etc. with children who bring out the best in ours.

As for how to deal with the other family, the classic "we have other plans at that time" may unfortunately be your only choice - unless you decide to just level with them that you feel your child is not positively affected by their child's behaviors.

On the day of the birthday party, take your child somewhere even more fun so neither of you feels he missed out on anything.

Off subject, and I feel like I mention this all the time, but if you haven't found MOMS Club (international group for stay-at-home moms), you may want to look into it: www.momsclub.org. There are a ton of active chapters here in the Dayton area and it is a great network of people and a lot of activities to tap into.

Hope this perspective helps.

My best,
S.

I see youve had alot of good advice here. I dont know what more I can say either.

I have had this problem for 2 yrs now in my sons classes. The same kids! I am REQUESTING next yr that they are NOT in the same class. This child is VERY bad at school, as far as to knock a teacher off her feet by sliding into the lucnh room. My son was following along but did not hit her! My son has gotten into alot of trouble following this childs behavior and when hes not there my sn does alot better. They are so vulnerable at these ages and just dont think about what they are doing until its done and over and they are facing the consequenses of thier actions. WHich then, as I said, too late.

I also have this with a family that was very close to us. Me and the mom had a bad falling out, not only over this problem thou, but we went along time withou speaking to one another and we had been best friends for years and years! (about 8-9 yrs) we stopped talking for almost a yr and are talking a lil now and her children are worse!!! They have threatned them, hit them, throw things, break things, cuss at them, kick them, smash holes into the walls, tell them they hate them, call them names, say they wish they werent thier parents, even as far as telling them they wish they were dead. I mean these are INTENSE things. My son isnt allowed over there unless im there and I have allowed it a few times and my son dont like it. Hes scared when hes there he said. So I dont ever push it, ever. I have let them come here and its NOTHING like it is there., they are fairly good kids here. I have heard them acting out as stated above thou, many many times. I have talked to her about it and she knows theres a problem but they wont do anything about it. So I dont know what else to say.

I just know that If I can keep my son away from it all I def try!!

As said above I would just gently say you have other plans as well! Its the nice way about it! :)

GOOD LUCK!

ok if i was you i wouldnt try to pull away so fast, but you can, when your with her tell your son he is not aloud to act like that! or basiclly put your foot down. if that doesnt work for you then yes i think you should maybe say you cant go to the party because something has come up and make something up if you have to. as for the playdates say you cant do them anymore for a reason. you cont just stop doin them with out giving a reason. maybe you and the other mother can sit down and talk about the situation if you feel comfortable. its all up to you to make that move. i agree you should let your kids run the house. life is just not made to work that way. the kids need a parent not just someone there to look at them. lol! ok well i hope it all works out for you!