My Friend vs Their Friends

Been there, done that...and it didn't work out too well for me. I also moved away from my family and friends and was all alone. I made a friend that I thought I had a ton in common with and was so happy to have an adult friend. I guess my child would have been the "rotton" child in my scenerio. I, of course, didn't think she was a bad child. She does have a tendency to try to be the "alpha" of the group and get a little pushy with other kids. I always corrected her and disciplined her the way I thought was appropiate. I had NO idea my friend thought she was a rotton child. My friend started to build up resentment and pull away from me. Finally she confronted me with how she REALLY felt about my child, and my feelings were terribly hurt. When you find out that your "friend" has been walking around secretly not liking you or your child....you feel like a fool. It SUCKS to be the mother of the "rotton" child and not even know it. We are no longer friends and it ended on a really bad note. I know you are tempted to have ANY friend as opposed to NO friends, but I think this is a really bad idea. Either tell the other mom the truth from the get-go, or end the friendship. Because she will be VERY hurt if you act like her good friend, and then down the line the truth comes out about how you really feel about her kids. Trust me, I know.

It is so hard to make new friends as an adult, especially when you are a SAHM. It can be very lonely. Thank goodness we are moving back home in a few months and I will once again be close to all my life-long friends and my family. I can't wait! I hope you find a good friend who has children that you like and approve of, but in the meantime don't "settle" just to have a friend. Good luck to you!

Maybe playdates just aren't the good thing. Its okay to still talk to her on the phone and give each other support. Perhaps have playdates at her house where your son and her younger one can play outside while the older one gets to do his thing?

Just because your kids don't get along, it doesn't mean you have to give up the friendship.

We also have a rule in our house that the word 'stupid' is a bad word and no one is allowed to say the 's' word. Its caught on so much that they have that rule at daycare now too. When we are at the inlaws and my kids hear it from an adult, they 3y old looks at them and says, 'ahh, you said the 's' word!'....
M.

Akulow,

Your friends children don't sound like good playmates. I would suggest the two of you get babysitters and go have a nice lunch some place or even a picnic if money is tight. You would have a chance to talk a little.

I would also suggest inviting her younger son over for a play date. Tell you friend that you thought it would be nice for the little ones to have one on one time. If he's in your home he will have to go by your house rules.

Blessings.....

I too have a similar situation. My very best friend has two ill behaved kids. They are also my sons best friends. They aren't mean to my son like your son's friends but they are selfish, do not listen, through fits like you wouldn't believe if you say "no" to them and frankly can be dangerous as they will not stop when they are running towards the street and my GF is in total screaming mode. We both work so we could get together at lunch time as we work a few blocks away from eachother, but she admittedly prefers Saturdays with our kids because she needs an extra adult backup to deal with her kids. She feels like a bad mom because she doesn't want to take them to the park, zoo anywhere kids have fun because she knows she can't handle them alone, hubs is zero help. Am I going to turn my back on her? No way. Part of the problem is that her and her husband have total opposite parenting styles. He is so out of control strict and militant that she goes the opposite way to be gentler and it backfires on her, and she knows it. Why I tell you this is that you like the mom, you know she has challenges with her kids and maybe you know that her and hubs might not be on same page. What makes it tolerable for me is that I told my GF if you want me around your kids then I need to repermand them when they are out of line, if you aren't around, and my rules stand whenever I am overlooking them. Her kids listen to me, as they see my son does. My poor GF just is overwhelmed and I'm sure your GF is too. Since the opportunity to see eachother alone doesn't seem to be an option, could you talk honestly to her about how much your son loves playing with her kids, but you noticed they aren't always kind and do you have her permission to correct their behavior. I can almost garauntee her agreeing and inside feeling a sense of releif that she didn't lose you as a friend because of her kids. My GF lost a few friends and her family refuses to watch her kids because they are difficult. Try being honest with her, if she doesn't take it well then she really isn't open to a friendship.

WOw, this is a situation that maybe we all have been put into. A few things come to mind. This is a great opportunity to guide your son to stand up for the right and for the honest position. To have discussions with him privatley how to be a "good decision maker" using examples of what happened on that days playdate. I don't know how much you spend time with them.......but if it is once a week, this may be OK to live with.
I would try very hard to encourage the friendship with the mom more outside the kids, but you said that come difficult. If only it was not difficult.
Hopefully through the good example of your son, you will be able to control some issues during the playtime. Another idea is to move in a round about way ............way out of the way to ask advice from your friend on how to handle a boy in your sons class..........that has bad manners not mentioning that it is HER family . OR to intervene as a mom at the playdate and try to change the spirit of the kids attitude and be positive and fun. Like, "Oh the park is so nice and being outside gives us all great fresh air......... " Saying these in front of the mom may guide her attention to what is being said.

I would probably just slow the exposure to them overall but in reality, if you want to stay friends with her you may need to talk to her about the way her boys are. Maybe you can just ask her permission to stand up to them yourself. In other words, when they are being mean to your son, is she opposed to you stepping in and teaching your son to stand up to them. Say something!

Who knows if would work or not but it is worth teaching your son that this is not ok to act this way. He is your main concern. Although he is handling these things ok he still needs to not let himself be too passive or it gets worse.

As far as complaining about being at the park, again, I would ask her directly if you can say something in regards to how it makes you feel when they talk that way. Maybe it will have an impact.

Good luck!

I'm reading four questions here.

It's clear that your son needs some different children to play with, so let's work on that first. See what you can do to make play date connections with some of the other MOPS mothers. If you are diligent you'll find good playmates for your child; eventually you may like their mothers, too, but you don't need to be buddies with a mama for your boy to enjoy her child's company.

The second issue is important as well, but you can take more time about it. You are lonely and are looking for friends yourself. Being a grownup, you can pick and choose better than your child can, so while you attend to his needs you can take more time about this. Different people require different things in a friendship. I'm the type of person, for instance, who loves her friends, but also values lots of by-myself time. I've always been a loner at heart. Another gal I know (and like) looks for friends she can be joined at the hip to - people she can do practically everything with when her husband is at work! It's a personality thing. What kind of friends do you want? While you're working on this, please cultivate your acquaintances - moms you can be friendly with though you think you may not ever be best friends. You'll never be sorry. Some of the finest, closest friendships are very slow to ripen.

Number three: It's too bad these boys behave as they do, but the big point is that their mother either doesn't mind it or is helpless to fix it! If you decide that these boys may play with your son, make it only once in a while, and be there to keep an eye on things so that mouthiness and teasing don't escalate to bullying! That may never happen, but you've seen their behavior three times now, so you know how they are. You'll have to be the one to decide what's acceptable and what isn't, on the basis of what's best for your son (not for you). At the moment your child and her children are obviously not friends. They're only playmates.

Lastly, whether you can distance your children from one another and not distance yourself from their mom is problematical. If someone said to you, "I like you but I sure don't want your kid around," how would you react? I think it'll be pretty sticky, but you could give it a try if you think she likes you well enough to be receptive to what you say. Be prepared for some backlash, however.

Through the years, I've found that I needed to become "telephone friends" for a while. It's hard when kids aren't right for each other, but my first goal is to protect my kids. In a structured environment (like church) her kids might behave differently, so staying involved there is fine. But outside of MOPS...visit with her on the phone, invite her one child over for a play date at your house, plan a time for the two of you to go have coffee or whatever as a special treat, but maybe just "be busy" when you're invited to play with all the kids. Don't worry...her kids may someday grow out of it, or you'll find more friends.

Yes-sorry but it does mean that you cut the ties. Today. I don't want to be hard on you b/c I know the difficulties in finding adult friends that you click with but her kids are toxic for your child. Making fun of stuttering is UNACCEPTABLE!! If I ever even overheard this out in public I would jump all over the offender. It is wrong and nobody should get away with it-especially when the victim is your child. I hope that there are not long-reaching consequences for your son b/c of this. Do not let them play together again. Your son trusts you to protect him and when he knows that mom consistently plans outings with kids who bully him he will lose confidence in you and himself.

Tell her the truth about why your kids can't play together. If you guys are true friends you will find a way to get together without the kids.

I was new to our area 6 1/2 years ago and have learned that it is going to take me some time to develop the relationships I had back home. Sometimes it makes me want to move back home but I like the area here so much more. We are very torn.

Having said that, one of my first friends turned out to be the same situation. Her kids were brats and she "tried" to discipline but it never worked. We still wave when we see each other and catch up a bit but we are not as good friends as we once were. I couldn't put my kids in that situation anymore. Her oldest was mean and rude and my kids started to pick up bad things. I had to do what was best for them. We just gradually drifted apart.

Since then, we've met two families we like the company of very much. The one is perfect because the mom and I are good friends, the dad and my hubby are, and they have three boys and I have three boys and they all consider each other their "best friends". The other family lives across the street and they have 2 girls that my sons love to play with. In both families, everyone is a positive in our lives. The kids are well behaved and we all enjoy being together. When we get together, it can be for hours and the kids NEVER fight!!! It's great!

Just keep trying to make friends. It has been hard for us and we don't even see these two families as much as we'd like but it confirmed we needed to stand our ground on our values and makes these families that much more special to us.

I was in that situation. I'm so sorry, its really tough. In my case I stopped hanging out with my friend. The children were completely out of control and it was rubbing off on my daughter. The last time I had my daughter around her kids they were angry and screaming (really screaming) in my daughters face. All my friend could do was try to give them whatever they wanted rather than address the behavior. It was just the icing on the cake for me. My daughter even missed hers but I talked to her about how her other friends don't act that way or treat her like that. She could understand that. I figured if she was blind to what happened in front of her own eyes she might not take to kindly to me telling her that I didn't want the kids to be together. Plus we are both ALWAYS with our children.

That's a hard one. When you like the mom, but your kids don't get along for some reason, it can really make having a friendship difficult, in my experience. And then your kids will be best friends with kids whose mom you have nothing in common with.

My son had a sort of friend once whose mom I loved, but when this kid came over it was just endless arguing. That never happened with any of my son's other friends. Also, this kid randomly punched my 1 year old daughter in the stomach once, making her vomit, and the mom didn't really say much to him. But you can't usually tell another mom how to handle her kids and remain friends (unless she wants the advice). So, we rarely had the kid over, and my friendship with the mom kind of languished and eventually ended. It was too bad, because I really liked her.

Sadly, it may turn out that your friendship with this mom is limited.

I have a couple friends that at first I just let my son hang out with theirs and it started to affect his personality and attitude. So what I do is just take long breaks in between visits. I have come to find out that we will never truly agree with a complete mothering job of some else and so what we need to do is either sever the relationship or just not be around them for so long. What I do is say something to the child in front of the mom, or just tell the mom that I don't allow that certain behavior. You need to make sure that your son is safe, and for the other kid to be taking his hat and making fun of his speech issue you need to stand up for him. If the mom is truly a friend she won't get upset.

I agree with Megan and the others. u can still be friends with her but if the other children aren't a good influance for ur son, I don't think he should be around them. Because he can see u not correcting them like u would him. He may start mimicing their actions. I am a BIG STICKLER when it comes to who comes to my house as has the girls friends. Even thou they are friends in school and I may know thier parents doesn't mean they come over to the house on a regular basis. It's not that they are bad kids but sometime it's the WAY they act I don't like. My #1 rule is.. There will be NO DISRESPECT in no way shape or form in my house and they all know it from the get go and they are ok with that. The parents all know this as well. So maybe you could try 1 TIME having the friend come over for a few hours and play to see how he acts round your house and not his family he might be a tolal different kid from what have seen. But set GROUND RULES if this is something u want to try.

Wow........I dont blame you for not wanting your child around them!! Can I ask if you told that boy not to throw his hat or do not make fun of your child because he was being a bully. I probably would have spoken up. I am the type of mom that does not care if the other mom gets annoyed for speaking up. Maybe she will get the hint to step in next time herself to discipline when needed.
This is why when I moved to a new town I took my sweet time picking out friends. I did look for like minded people. Women who did have well behaved children and were involved in the same things as I am. My son has some great friends and so do I. Its ok to be picky about who you and your son will spend time with.

That's a tough O.. I have a friend (made through my son's sports team) and while our sons are the same ages, and get along for the most part, this kid is not O. of my son's first choices to pal around with. We still do things together and I make sure he gets plenty of chances to have other kids over as well.