Do Your Friends Parenting Styles Get in the Way of Your Friendship?

Well all my friends and my kids' friends parents, are very similar to me as a parent and as individuals. And so, it works out. Thus far.

I don't stay friends, with a person, if they are diametrically in a different reality from me. Kids or not.

And I don't let Toxic people, kids or not, get into my life.

Rather than saying that parenting styles get in the way of my friendships (though they have), I would be more inclined to say that I tend to gravitate towards women who have similar parenting styles to me. My children are older, 13 and 7, and the women I've stayed closest to through the years are women who feel the same way that I do about discipline, how to guide children and teens through the rough spots, etc. It's not a requirement that we think the same way; it just seems to work out that way.

Sometimes, people don't see the flaws in both their child and their parenting because they are needing to ignore it. Sometimes, parents have such strong feelings about how they were parented. Not wanting to repeat those mistakes, they err on the side of becoming inappropriately permissive. Some are afraid to be authoratative because they have confused it with being an authoratarian or abusive parent. Some parents are afraid of their child not liking them, and so they choose to overlook the child's negative actions because disciplining feels emotionally dangerous to them.

In any case, it's likely that somewhere deep down, your friend knows that this isn't in either she or her son's best interest, but may be terrified at addressing this. This may be an extremely conflicting experience for her, too.

If you want to continue the friendship, just head out without the kids. I have to admit, I don't know anyone who parents exactly the same way I do, but I do have friends who are more involved during playdates than others I've seen. I'm also confident in stepping in and correcting things if the parent doesn't seem responsive. This is usually done as a group problem-solving moment, instead of singling their child out.

I'd say, maybe your friend has a lot of good qualities, but this is her challenge for right now. Mothers who have to address these deep-seated issues in their lives need friendship and support, so as they say, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Or rather, don't throw out the girlfriend because of this disappointing difference in parenting styles. Unless, of course, there was nothing else in common... and if you aren't interested in staying friends with her, don't make it about her. This is your discomfort with who she is and what she's dealing with right now. If you aren't going to stand by her, don't tell her what you told us about the parenting. She'll only feel sucker-punched and only feel worse about herself.

all the time. She is a mom of one and i have three. my boys are very close and stick up strongly for each other. We try and do dinner a few times a month, it always ends up in a war. She also doesnt get along well with my hubby. We took a family trip to great wolf lodge about a month or so ago. we left at different times and i dont think i even got to say bye to her when they left.

The two cant get along which in turns makes parenting around four kids really hard because hers is set with his schedule and ours the same.

My youngest is a week older then her lil guy. they dont get along at all. they are very physical towards one another. Which makes playdates crazy.

So bit of a different age group, all the same our parenting styles differ so that it makes getting together hard.

I feel you on this one.

Sounds like your friendship has run it course. She might have a post about the other side of this.
Walk away before you have a huge fight.
We have friends for different seasons in our life, just because she was a friend before doesn't mean she will be a friend now.
Let her go & you will have room for another person in your life that works better for this time in your life.

Because she has a problem with discipline, don't use that to judge her opinions on anything else. We are all different people and think differently. I am sure you would like to take matters into your hands or just ignore the friendship because of her "aggressive" son, but if you can just avoid the # of playdates and the TYPE of playdates that you havet, but don't stop them. It could be that as a child growing up, her parents were extremely strict or abusive and she is trying to do the opposite, albeit to the extreme. So, if you have to, go to THEIR house and let the kid do damage there, and you can leave when you feel it's time to go. I learn that with people like that I don't arrange things at my house if at all I want to have sanity and peace of mind.

can you just take charge and correct the son for her when he's at your house? i would say either that, or yes, start tapering off time with them. if it's my house, and my cat gets hurt, then yes, i will say something. and if a toy gets broken, i will say something. if after that, the rough play continues, then you should let him know that if it doesn't stop he won't be able to play anymore. or take away the toy he's being rough with, etc. i might stop short of actually putting her son in time out, BUT a lot of times all it takes is another adult they respect saying it, to get the behavior to stop. obviously that's not mom...might it be you?? (not to mention if she sees you WILL stop it, then maybe she'll muster up some self respect and parent her own child.)

I would suggest you be friends with her without the children and see how that goes. Invite her for dinner and movie or some other girls day. Try to not even talk about the kids while you are out (I know that will be hard, from experience!). If that doesn't work, then maybe your friendship is drifting apart. Good luck.

.

Its diffucult for me to be friends with someone that has such diffrrent discipline style..or lack of discipline.
When my oldest was small I was really good friends with someone that did not do much discipline. While I would reprimand my son for bad behavior.

About 6 months ago my sisters homeless friend and 3 year old daughter moved in with me because I felt bad for them. At the time my daughter was a year and a half .Her daughter would bully my daughter ALL day long. She would steal all of her toys, hit, push, and kick her, yell bad words and all she did was sit there! I had numerous talks with her basically begging her to do something about it and she kept saying she would but never followed through. It got to the point that I had to lock myself and my daughter in our room all day in my own house bc I couldn't deal with it anymore. I would cry all night long about it bc I felt bad for them and didn't want her daughter to live in a homeless shelter but at the same time my little girl was having nightmares and scared of her daughter. Then finally she "had enough with my parenting" flipped out on me and left . Now she is in a homeless shelter and her parents have custody of her daughter. I have no respect for her what so ever! I just cannot be friends with someone who can't control their own child.

Some people are just very tuned out. It's easier to look away than to step up and follow through.
I have known people like this and I have some friendships that have suffered because of it. My son made the decision to end a friendship because of numerous things and being done to him and we tried talking to the mom. Who was one of my best friends. Her son lied and it was obvious there was no talking.
After my son bowed out of the friendship, the kid got caught stealing, was suspended from school, got in trouble for something serious he did on a school field trip (I'll never know the truth about that). Anyway, his parents came to me and said that he'd really gone down hill since my son wasn't in his life anymore. They were hoping that maybe my son would change his mind because he was such a good influence on him.
Hello!
It's not another child's responsibility to be the good influence. It's the parents responsibility. I hate to say it, but I didn't want my son associating with their kid after all the trouble and reputation he'd built for himself. No matter what, he was never grounded. If he wanted a new phone, he got one. He deliberately broke one because his parents said they wouldn't upgrage but when he broke it, he got exactly what he wanted. He doesn't go to school if he doesn't feel like it, he fell in the gym during PE and got embarrassed so they took him to specialists for back x-rays that showed nothing wrong when he just didn't want to do PE anymore.
There's only so much you can nod your head to.
That's my opinion. I think many parents are afraid to discipline their kids because the kids might not "like" them.
Everybody does things their own way and that's cool. We also reap what we sow.
Raise your own children in the way you believe will serve them in the long run through life as successful human beings and if you have to cut your losses with friendships along the way, hey....it happens.
One thing about my kids being around or witnessing other unruly kids - it didn't really harm them. I mean, the other day, we saw a little kid slap his mother across the face and she didn't even flinch. My kids, even really little, were mortified by things like that. "Their mom didn't even do anything".
My kids have been well exposed to children with ADD and Down's Syndrome, kids with legitimate impulse control issues. Their parents still expect a certain level of acceptable behavior.

Your friend may be overwhelmed. She may have blinders on.
If the friendship is toxic to you, then you know what you need to do.
Limit contact.
And wish her the best.

I have had to end a couple of friendships. I just could not believe how twisted one woman was when it comes to her horribly behaved kids.
People came right up to me to warn me, but I never believed it until I experienced it firsthand. Crazy. And they will be having kids who are even worse.

I can certainly understand your feelings. My issue is not with a friend but with my husband - he's too laid back and does not discipline; a lot of "do this or I am going to take this away..." - he's the kind of guy who attempts the 1-2-3 but gives 2.5; 2 3/4, ok, one more chance, etc., etc. Basically lets our son do whatever he wants. Despite me talking to him over and over it doesn't make a difference. So I have a hard time with respect for him as he lets himself be a doormat.
I agree with others that if you want this friendship to work it's probably best you do so without the kids. Otherwise anytime you see her letting her child do whatever it's just going to eat away at you.

I have pulled away from a friend who has a son who literally antagonizes my daughter at every opportunity. In one instance, he actually chased her with a fly swatter trying to hit her, but my friend just told him to stop. Finally, I stepped in and took the fly swatter from him. WTH? Anytime he is antagonizing my daughter, my friend would always just sit there and tell him to stop, but do nothing about it. She would roll her eyes and make some comment about how he is - well, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I would try my best to deal with it when we did spend time together, but after he slammed my daughter's fingers in the door intentionally, I was done. We were having a playdate at my house with some other friends and they were shocked at the way this kid acted towards not only daughter, but the other kid as well. His mom would tell him to stop and then go back to talking. Truly unbelievable. My daughter said she is scared of him and doesn't want to see him anymore. My child comes first and if she is being harmed by some child, then it's time to cut the ties.

I understand how you feel. My daughter has a friend who is generally a spirited but well meaning kid. The problem is his mom doesn't discipline him nor does she exert her authority. Like your friend, she'll beg her son to stop misbehaving and overexplain things. Normally her son is just aggressive with her but the few instances he has been aggressive or inappropriate with my daughter, I immediately step in, get down to his level and tell him firmly "we do not hit!" or whatever the offense may be - mostly bc I know she won't really do anything. I have limited my daughter's time with him and I try to give his mom advice from time to time (only when she complains about how her son is acting out, never unsolicited). Other than that, there's not much else to do. If the child in question becomes too tough to handle, then you too might need to limit their time or eliminate play dates altogether.

I think being friends with her without the kids in tow is a great suggestion. You may gently suggest that the reason you would rather not have playdates anymore is that it is too hard on "kitty" or "bobby" (your son) because her son is at a stage where he plays a little too rough. If she says "I don't know what to do" suggest a parenting class.

I went through this with a friend and by the end of the conversation she realized she was hurting her child because he was not going to have any friends, he had already lost a friend in my child.

A past friend allowed her kids to do all kinds of stupid things because she was a "single mom" yet her parents lived below her and were always there willing to help.

When her (then) 8 year old son was trying to carry my six month old son around I snapped. He was "trying" to be helpful but I asked repeatedly NOT to touch him because he got too close to his face and scared him all the time. I yelled at him and she got mad it me for yelling at him after she saw the entire thing develop right in front of her.

I told her if she couldn't get her kids to behave, I was going to. I wasn't going to allow her son physically hurt my son just because she's too tired to parent them.

We're no longer friends and I'm SOOOOO HAPPY!

Parenting is hard work, and as with nearly anything in life, it is full of spectrums rather than simply black and white. I have a friend who makes me nervous because she is so laid back when it comes to keeping her kids safe. I have a friend who I believe "over-does" safety and is a totally hovering parent. I fall in the middle of these two. My over-safe friend won't leave her kids with me, and I'm sure it's because she thinks I'm too laid back. I'm not offended by that, because I won't leave my kids with my more laid-back friend. I get it. We all have different styles. I can see why you put a stop to play-dates, so if it were me from now on I'd stick to just being friends with this woman without doing play dates and try to let go of the fact that she's different than you in this one way.

I think I mentioned before that I'm much more honest in "real life" then I am on this site. Lol. My god daughters mother always feels "a certain way" when I express concerns about my god daughter. I'm not the mother of all mothers or mother Theresa, but I feel that I do my best. When I tell her that I think it might be time for potty training, she thinks I'm being judgemental. If I suggest that she may want to think about taking her off the bottle, she thinks I'm being critical. If I mention that maybe her bedtime should be a little earlier than 1am, I'm overstepping my boundaries. Keep in mind, my god daughter will be 3 in soon. I've learned over the years that ppl are very sensitive when it comes to their children. So I basically backed off from the friendship a bit. If I'm not able to base my opinion than I'm not being a true friend. As long as her parenting skills are not interfering with what I'm tryin to do with my child, more power to her. In your case, you may wanna talk to your friend and let her know how her son might be setting an example for your son that you don't feel is positive. I don't see a problem with you repremanding him if he's at your house and he's misbehaving( nothing physical of course). Maybe he'll listen to you.