At Wit's End with MIL & Stepson Situation!! Advice PLEASE??

oh this is complicated, I would not let up on A at all. You are right youa re mom now. You need to have a sit down with hubby and lay out all expectations and feelings. If you do not the agrivations and resentment towards his family will start to overflow onto hiom and you will begin to hate and resent him for not handling things with you in mind. Let him know exactly how you feel and thet your son J is also their g-child and it is not fair to him to be SO left out. He will not understand the "exception" You are there as his mom so he is not missing anything anymore. They are also not repecting you and hubby needs to nip that in the bud. I understand they are doing alot for him but if you cannot repect others and be equal then do not bother!!!

I Love Dawn B response too.

Hubby needs to stat you are the "MOM" in this house and therefore the boys are equal!!!

.

I agree with Dawn. I know how you feel about not wanting to be confrontational but this is something that needs to be squashed now otherwise this will potentially ruin your marriage. Your in laws knew that you were coming on board from the day your husband proposed or started bringing you around so they should be willing to accept the fact that you are now the mother and then can back up but they most likely won't because they've been doing it so long.

So here's my suggestion: My husband and I had similar issues with In laws overstepping their bounds so I sat down with my husband, for the most part and explained to him how its his job as their son to inform them to back up. They are only doing with your husband allows them to do. Unfortunately this sounds like a trust issue in that they don't believe you can do for him what they can. The boys should never be treated differently because in order to be a successful blended family, they will both have to be treated the same otherwise your son will have issues later on in life and it's not fair that either child has to suffer.

They've made it painfully obvious that they don't respect you as the mother and they will continue to do what they want until your husband steps up to the plate and defend you as well as inform them that you are here to stay and they need to run everything involving him by you. You are his primary care giver now and they need to respect that and let you raise him otherwise it sounds like to me the son can go live with them.

Good luck with this one because it sounds like this may take a while to resolve.

Sorry, I completely disagree w everything Michelle said... this IS your child...maybe not by biology, but you are a family unit. They are interfering in your bonding w your stepson(who doesn't even have a CHANCE to develop any kind of bond with you), I completely agree w Dawn about the favoritism. Kids see much more than we sometimes give them credit for and can be quite mean to each other. This is interfering in ALL of your family relationships and will have dire consequences if this path continues.

You need to speak to your husband ASAP, and counseling is probably a must. I can understand how they have been SO involved in the step son's life, and it will be hard for them to release that power. They can still be involved, but they need to be STRONGLY reminded that they have TWO grandsons. I understand that you don't like confrontation, but at some point you must stand up for yourself...and your husband should be doing it ASAP!!!!!

Good luck to you and your family. I wish you the best.

I know you are not a confrontational person by nature but you need to be willing to sit down with them and hammer out some agreement that everyone can live with, and that might mean everyone is willing to compromise on something. It is not fair to treat both boys differently, just because one is "blood" and the other is not - eventually it's going to cause your son to resent your stepson and lead to bad feelings on both sides.
You and hubby need to have a family meeting with his parents and make it clear what the rules are and what your expectations are as far as who pays for activities, who gets him there, etc. You guys are the parents now. They've raised their kids, now they need to let you raise yours and be there in a supportive role. It's wonderful that they are as involved as they are, but there are also boundaries that they need to respect. Just because your stepson's bio-mom is not involved is no excuse for anyone to spoil the tar out of him.

They seem to have a hard time recognizing whatever authority you have as the only mother figure he has. Has there been any discussion about you adopting your stepson and then in fact becoming his "mom"?

First, I would make sure hubby knows of your plans for tomorrow and then tell you MIL that your oldest son is coming with you. You hubby could have told his mom that he was coming with him so this particular issue may not be all MIL's fault.

You and your husband need to be on the same page for this to work. He need to tell his parents that he appreciates all the help they have been with his oldest son and how wonderful they are as grandparents but he needs them to realize that you and he are the boys parents. Plans need to be approved through you first....they can not commit either son to activities without first checking with you because regardless of if it costs money or not, you may have plans. He needs to let them know that although you did not give birth to the oldest you are very much his mother and should be treated as such.

Sometimes grandparents have a tough time accepting they are not responsible and are not the parents of their grandchildren. It is even harder when they were sort of the other parent for a while. Be firm and put your foot down but try to be understanding at the same time.

Keep in mind...your oldest isn't the problem so don't step back from him. He needs his mom (you) and his grandparents.

Don't back down and focus on your "real" son. A is your son now too. Maybe not biologically, but he is your son and you don't want to treat him differently. While I do not agree at all with Michelle, unfortunately she is right in the fact that you don't have any legal power over him. Is it possible for you to adopt him? or is his mom still in the picture? I can totally understand about the not having discussions unless it's scripted, that is sooo me too! I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband and tell him that he needs to tell his parents to start treating you like A's mother, because that's what you are now. If he won't do it, you need to somehow. Stand up to them now, show them you won't be walked over. But i strongly suggest if it's possible to legally adopt A.

Always look for the good. A kid cannot have "too many" loving adults in his life and I'm sure when your 1 yo is older & more mobile, they'll include him as well, right?
You can only be hurt by your in-laws if you allow yourself to be hurt.
Don't give them that power.
And they're right about the fact that A doesn't have his biological mom and J does.
Step parenting is a hard road, as you're finding out. Respect cannot be demanded and this child will KNOW O. day what a great mom you were for him.

Wow, they sound over involved to begin with, and are ignoring their other grandchild. They are making it very obvious to A that he is different. I think you should continue to treat both of your children the same way, and if your husband isn't willing to step in and do something about this, you will have to. I would sit them down and let them know how it makes you feel, and how it reflects on the children. You have to take your place as the mother and do exactly what you would do if this was J.

I grew up with my cousins as the favorites. That was bad enough, I don't know how I would have handled it if they had shown preference between my sister and I.

No No No! You need to put your foot down now! You are right, now you are the parent, even though you are not the biological parent, you are still the parent. You have the right to say what he can and cannot do, that is what adult parents do. As much as you hate to cause problems and don't like confrontation, you need to get a hold of this situation now before it get's worse! Good luck babe!

i would say something. if you are raising him and supposed to mom then you need to let that be known. but your husband needs to be the first one you tak to about it because if you guys don;t present a united front they may not hear you good luck

Have you and your husband tried counseling yet...?

M.,

Wow, you are not going to like what I have to say. A is NOT your son! Of course your inlaws are very involved in his life - he is their grandson!!!!! Unless you legally adopt him, you have no power/control over him. Focus on J, your own son! A's grandparents should be able to do whatever they want with him (as long as it's okay with your husband). It is not your decision and has nothing to do with you, really.

I wonder if you've discussed all of you feelings with your husband. This was probably the "norm" before you came around so he probably doesn't see a problem with it...and why should he if you don't tell him what's on your mind? If it were me, I'd be insisting that A will be staying home with me for the weeked...what business does a 5 year old child have in a place where all of the adults will be busy working? You really have to stop letting them do these things. It is your home and your family. If they show up and want to take him for the evening/weekend/whatever without giving you proper notice beforehand, simply tell then (without the child present) that it is not an option as you've made other plans. Nothing further...you don't need to explain yourself to them...he is your son not theirs.

I SO do not agree with anyone who pressed that he is not your son and you don't have the right, etc.

First off, you should sit down with your husband and tell him to man up to his parents over this. You should not have to deal with them. They will always "forgive" him.

If he doesn't get it, a family counselor could help here. While you are not the adoptive mother and they are the blood relatives, it makes the whole family dysfunctional for them to pull him out that much.

Suggestions you may get from the counselor may be that many months ahead of time, they indicate their interest in taking him away from a week or so. Before your husband okays it, you two can see what special thing your child could do (visit his grandmother, go to camp, get some short term lessons of interest. Each child deserves to be treated equally. Your parents don't have to take his son when they visit and vice versa. BUT, presents, gifts, asking not telling, are all part of you and your husband balancing things out. Say, if they want to pay for their grandson's college trust, start one for your child that you and your husband (& perhaps grandparents contribute to as well).