Help with MIL - Ephrata,PA

You're a first time parent - like us.

We also were freakish about the handwashing/germX. We also thought they were doing it wrong.

Turns out all those things are really common among us "firsts". My wife and I consciously decided to "fake it till we make it" - i.e. we try to act like the parents of 3 kids. They've been through it all, would they freak over this?

Unfortunately (cuz sometimes we all like to get worked up over something) - unfortunately those parents don't really freak out. So we spend much of our time telling ourselves NOT to freak out.

If that all fails - remember that your kid will be eating bugs dirt, glue, dust, napkins, kleenex and who knows what over the next couple years. They'll be fine. :)

Oh hun, you need to relax. Personally I want no one in the delivery room at all but I can see why if you allowed your mom she wouldn't see anything wrong with rushing in to see the baby. She probably didn't even notice you weren't cleaned up yet.

I don't think it is a matter of them not liking how you do things but that they just see things differently. You need to meet in the middle on that. I never liked someone who was clearly sick to hold my kids but I didn't freak out with a cough that may be attributed to allergies.

So she is screaming, so what, they were tending to her. Perhaps they don't like to hear her scream either. Perhaps they thought it was rude to hand the baby back when they become the slightest bother.

On to the passing around, you may want to consider letting her get used to being passed around. She is new and fun now but at some point you will want a sitter, you think you don't like hearing her scream now wait to you have a hot date with your husband and she is screaming because she is not used to other people.

I guess what I am saying is right or wrong your in laws do have the wisdom of having done this before. Look at your husband, clearly he is alive and mentally healthy enough that you wanted to marry him and have children with him. They raised him so unless there is something awful about your husband then trust that they got it right that time. :)

TRY to find comfort in the fact that your in-laws WANT to be involved with your child.
Pick your battles.
And relax.
Read Dad on Purpose's advice again. He is very tactfully telling you to take everything in stride.
Good luck!

Practice using your I'm The Mom And I'm Confident About What I Want Voice. That means that when you don't like what you see about how ANYONE is handling the baby ie. the baby is screaming and MIL isn't tending to her well enough to soothe the screaming and won't hand her over, then you need to step in with confidence.

"MIL, we're still making sure that everyone who holds her washes their hands first. It's just a rule we have. We make everyone do it, it's nothing personal. You remember how it was being a first time mom." And then make sure that everyone who holds her washes their hands, not just her when she's sick.

"MIL, when she cries like that I prefer calming her down right away. Let me soothe her before she starts gagging and can't be soothed at all and we end up having to leave. As soon as she's calm and sleeping again, I'll let you hold her again."

If you don't want someone who is sick to hold or kiss the baby, say so with confidence and stick to it without exceptions. Even if you don't feel confident, fake it. "I'm sorry, but we're really paranoid about the baby getting sick when she's so small. If she doesn't have to get sick at this age we would prefer to prevent it while it's possible. Thanks so much for understanding." Or as soon as you know your MIL is sick, leave her house. Cut the visit short. Don't go there. "When you're not sick any more, give us a call. None of us can afford to get sick right now. I'm sure you understand since you're sick and must feel horrible."

"The baby is resting so well right now, so I would prefer if only the adults hold her until she's older and can sit on her own." This works if she has eager cousins that want to hold their tiny cousin, and it will cut down on germs being passed around.

When you arrive somewhere: "Husband and I are just getting over Vague Illness, and the baby was so lucky not to get it. We're a little paranoid about the germs right now, so if you're sick respect our request that you hold the baby next visit."

This is your baby, meaning you don't need anyone else's permission on how to parent her. If your husband won't step in or if he's unsure and holding back, then you have to do it. Otherwise, people (not just your MIL) will run roughshod over you. I get the feeling that you're not confrontational, and I'm not either. Well, I wasn't until I had children. I've learned to pick and choose my battles with The Grands (grandparents) and pick and choose their tidbits of advice.

Sometimes their ways of doing things are perfectly fine. Sometimes there's a hill I'm willing to die on. Sometimes doing things differently is just that... doing things differently.

As always with MIL questions: Where is your husband in all this?

You are an exhausted new parent. While he's tired too, it's his job to be the one who intervenes with his own parents. If a visit is pending and you're getting worked up over "They're going to hold and hold the baby!", tell him you are anxious. Ask him to occupy his folks somehow and let them know that the baby's been cranky unless she's with you. Whatever. But it's his role, not yours.

Too many MIL posts only discuss the relationship between the MIL and the DIL without any mention of the husband's role. They are his parents, not yours. If the issue were with your parents, it would be your role to handle it. Now, it's his role.

Take a step back and regroup. This isn't your family so it's natural that you don't feel comfortable with them. You will always feel more comfortable with your own family because you know how you were raised and how they will treat your child.

I'd say that you need to move forward and realize that they are just as important to your child as your own family is. Give them every opportunity to be a part of your child's life as you can. Don't go nuts over ever little thing and don't start projecting your feelings as your daughter's feelings (i.e. they were passing her around and i know baby doesn't like that either).

At this point because you are a new mom and you really aren't comfortable in your role it'll be hard when they don't do things to your standards but as long as they are loving it won't really matter in the long run. I still remember how my hubby didn't give baths the 'right way' aka my way but in the end the kids were clean, warm and dry so his way might have been wrong but produced the same results.

Frankly I don't think the main point, here, is that you should lighten up. The main point is that your in-laws need to respect your reasonable wishes concerning your child. And if they're not doing so your husband needs to intervene.

As the mom of two sons I would be mortified if either of their future wives felt this way. I just hope to be supportive and sweet, and able to back off when necessary (my husband says that I'm talking a big game LOL).

Sometimes I think grandparents need to remember what it's like to have babies and young families. I hope I will remember and not add to the stress.

I see you have quite a few responses but here are my thoughts:
You need to find a happy medium. Your husband should understand where you are coming from and supprt you or tell you why he cannot; it may help you understand his side/family if he expalined. The one thing I would've probably done differently is that I wouldn't have gone to visit if MIL was sick. If they didn't tell you until you arrived, I would've pulled hubby aside and mentioned your concern or simply told her, "I know you want to hold her but seeing as how you are not feeling well, I think it is best if the non-sick people hold her only" or something to that effect. Follow it up with "She is not sleeping well as it is and being sick will only make it harder on us." You need to stand your ground without sounding like a snob (not saying you are, just to be mindful not to be). Hang in there. In-laws are tough but they really can be great supports to.

it sounds as if you have some good reasons to be less than thrilled with MIL. but it's not unnatural for her to be eager to see new baby, nor to want to hang onto her when she's got her, especially if she's not particularly confident in her relationship with you. i'd be very clear and upfront about baby-handling issues (she's your baby, you need to speak up on her behalf) such as not kissing baby when sick, and handing her back when she's upset. but do it with compassion and courtesy. being 'nice' doesn't mean you're squishy. MIL may be taken aback at first, but i'll bet she respects you for it and your relationship improves over time.
she may never be a warm supportive MIL, but you can still have good boundaries and not let her rock your boat.
khairete
S.

Please relax they are not doing anything to offend you. As grandparents we love to hold our grandchildren. We have parenting skills too and like to try to comfort them when they cry.
My MIL actually argued with me that asprin does not cause Reys Syndrom. And said something about an ingredient being optional in a recipe I got the cookbook and showed her it was not -- her reply 'well in my kitchen it is' ------- that's offensive. She would simply not admit that she was mistaken.
When we get married we believe that the way we were raised was 'normal' and that everyone did things the same way. Then we get to know how they do things in their house and we see that things can be different and it makes us uncomfortable. You and your husband need to decide what will be normal in your home and how you will raise your child or children. You can take the best of both ways and combine them to raise your children. Then both of you need to have a talk with both sets of grandparents and tell them how you will raise your children and ask that they comply with your wishes.

You're not being crazy. Your husband needs to realize that you and your child are his primary family now. Perhaps finding a parenting class - LOVE AND LOGIC is GREAT - would give you a common ground to go from. loveandlogic.com

If he's not supportive, you may have bigger problems than annoying inlaws...

Ah "in laws"... the sometimes not so nice people we have to deal with when we decide to marry. I think everyone at one point or another has to deal with inlaws. I think that you should try talking to her to see if that makes you feel better. Communicate to her how you feel, she might see a different light if you talk to her. I had the SAME ISSUES as you are dealing with now and ours were horrible! My MIL has since passed away. I felt really bad that i was not sad the day she died, but i had no relationship with her, i had no emotional attachment to her. I tried for years and years to win her over and have the MIL/DIL relationship i alwasy wanted with her, but it never worked. We had a few heart to heart talks and i told her many times i wanted us to be close, but it never worked. Before she died, i just had to accept this is how this family was and no matter what i did, i could not change them.. it was hard for me ....
I heard this woman say horrible nasty things about her FIL. She married into a farming community and her and her FIL and her BIL used to fight over money all the time... it really was sad.
Now that she is gone, the family is slowly going seperate directions. No one talks to each other anymore. My hbs brother or sisters dont call... its like they dont even care.... So very sad.
Good luck!

Just be firm, I can give you an example:
My son and DIL brought my baby granddaughter to my place when she was 3 mos old. I wanted to take the baby outside and show her to a few of my favorite tenants. My DIL said "Mom, please don't let anyone hold her or touch her okay?" And I did just that.
Don't be afraid to make rules. There will be some breakers but that's okay, your child will survive. Chances are lots of crazy people held and tried to settle you a time or two back in the day. People are facinated with babies.
I honestly dont believe you MIL is out to get you or doesnt like you, she is just a proud Grandma and wants to be a part of her son's childs life.
It's not too crazy to have sanitizer out and to say "Here, let me spritz you a little before you hold baby, I'm just paranoid like that right now."
Also, don't discount the fact that your babies immune system is pretty strong right now, especially since you are breast feeding.
It will be okay :)

Honestly, I can see why you don't trust them. You're a mama bear and need to start stepping up for your daughter when you're not liking how she's being handled or cared for. I know it's hard at first but it gets easier the more often you do it. It sounds like this woman has no interest in a relationship with you and it sounds like it's her problem, not yours. I'd stop worrying about finding a way to get along with her. Make your visits as often as you want, but you're the mama now so you need to set the boundaries to protect your child. I don't think a 3 month old, breastfed child should be away from mom longer than an hour or two. If you don't like how they handle her when you are there, then certainly don't leave her there alone. To sum it up, I'd stop trying with the MIL, just be polite when together...then start standing up for your daughter. If someone knows they're sick, ask them to stay away for now. The passive person in me would probably say something like, "Oh man, I wouldn't want _____ to catch that! She's been having such a hard time sleeping this week already!" Then when they hold her while she's crying hard (and just wants you) simply get up and take her back. I give the grandparents a few moments to try to console the baby, and if it's unsuccessful it's back to mama's arms. PS-I set some boundaries with my MIL and I feel MUCH better now. I keep my distance and during visits I'm polite but that's it. Once she crosses the line and hurts my kids, I'm going to draw a BIG line.

You need to voice your concerns to your in-laws NOW while your daughter is still young. If you let it go for so long, by the time you bring it up they will say you never mentioned anything before.

Also, your husband needs to start acting like a husband and back you up.

My inlaws did not like me at all. I get along with them now its been 20 years but I am still stand offish with them because of the horrible things they said to me. When I had my son they even questioned who he belonged to. She is YOUR baby. If she is crying and it bothers you, get her. Who cares what they think. If they are not going to be nice to you then they will not be able to have long visits or visits at all. I never cared what was going on my child comes first.

OH and tell hubby he either takes YOUR side and straightens out his mom. Telling her to be nice because YOUR his wife!!! That would totally make me mad if hubby did not stick up for me. I would not be going over inlaws until he did this.

Take my advice- SAY SOMETHING NOW before she gets older! Husband needs to take your side and defend you also. I am going through the same thing right now but my son is almost two and it is MUCH harder!