Children Staying with Other Family

Can I say first off, count your blessings that you have family that is involved and gives you downtime!! I have no family, my parents have passed, my ex inlaws live out of state and barely are in contact with my children.
Something I read in Dear Abby not so long ago, pick your battles with family. Is it really the end of the world your daughter gets off her schedule for a few days? Is it a big deal grandma gives her candy? I mean think of the bigger picture. You could of course present them with written instructions, explain very diplomatically that she can be really grumpy if she does not stay on her schedule and so on. If it won't offend them I recommend that, however the fact that the grandparents want the kids there and are more hands on, I would be so happy! My kids have missed having grandparents to spoil them (that is what grandparents do). As long as they are not neglecting her or she isn't in harms way, I say pick your battles. I have friends too that would give anything to get a break from inlaws and complain their inlaws are so not a part of their kids lives.
Hang in there, biting your tongue for your kids sake is worth it.

Wow. I totally agree with Michelle's comment. You are the mother and they should respect your desires for your child. And furthermore, 20 months old is too young for a sleepover. I didn't let my girls stay with people I didn't trust to take care of them until they could tell me exactly what was going on either. When I felt my own mother very much disrespected my parenting wishes I struggled too. But I held my ground while still trying to offer her respect. It took some time but now I feel she offers me much more respect because of it and she complies with my wishes concerning what they are allowed to eat, etc. The hubby is a different topic. You need to tell him exactly what you've told us and discuss. Good luck.

Hi C.,

As a parent who has/does also argued with my husband about my in-laws, I totally sympathize with you. Do you let your daughter stay the night with your parents? In my situation, I take my kids to see my parents a lot more than they see my in-laws, because of similar issues to your situation. Personally I do not let my small children stay the night until they are 2-3 years old anyway, but when they do it is usually at our home for a day, maybe two for a special occasion.

I have found that if you can find a way to state what you need your children to have as far as care, without sounding condescinding and being completely truthful, your will get your point across with your husband. In my situation it took a few serious conversations and some time for him to think about it, but he did really come around. Once my husband was on board I told him I felt more comfortable with him explaining our stance on how the children needed to be cared for and I would handle matters with my parents. However, my mother-in-law likes to put me on the spot when no one is around and corner me so I told my husband that I would be forced to have those conversations myself if that type situation were to occur again. Several times the candy thing would get really out of control while I was there so I just explained to my 3 year old that too much sugar gives him tummy aches and makes him feel cranky, so maybe after dinner he could have some/or not so much at that time maybe just one or two. Then I really stood my ground with explanations of the behavior that usually follows etc. to my in-laws and that it was just awful for my son. That he really seemed to be under the weather physically and emotionaly with too much candy even worse with no nap added to that. My children have stayed with my mother but never with my in-laws, as they do not follow the rules. There is also a larger issue with my in-laws drinking habits, but my mother-in-law has been sober for a year and my kids have still never stayed with them.

I know every situation is different, but I hope this helps somewhat. I have found that if I can control my emotions and communicate the facts, things usually get better, but I have to reiterate the point at least once a month if not more! Gotta love those in-law issues!!!

Good Luck,

M. - mother of 4

I don't really have any suggestions, but my children are 3 and 5 and have never stayed at someone elses house without me. Not even grandparents. First because I dread exactly what you are going through and secondly because I think that's just too much to ask of someone else when children are so little. But I've told my own mother that I won't let my kids stay with her because 1)she's hard of hearing and I'm afraid of her not hearing them if they need her, 2) her house is not childproofed (not that they get into much, but there are still plenty of things that are hazardous that she doesn't see) and 3) I know she won't make them nap (my 3-year old) or go to bed on-time.

Would it be possible for the two or three of you to go over and stay the night together? That way they can get to know her but you'll be there to ensure she's eating right and sleeping well. Or maybe drop her off first thing in the morning and then pick her up late so you have just enough time to get her home and in bed?

I don't know. She's not even 2-years old and I think that's asking a lot of you to leave her with them overnight, let alone a week. I'm totally with you on this one! Maybe once she's older, can communicate a lot better and is potty-trained it would be a lot easier.

First of all, I wouldn't leave my children with anyone, even family, who ignores my parenting rules. Second, your daughter is much too young to leave overnight, and what's the big deal anyway? She's asleep during the night! Why not just let them be with her for a few hours and then bring her home. It sounds like your inlaws are really controlling and want things their way. Just remember that you are the parent. They don't have to like your rules, but they should respect them or it shows complete disrespect for you and your husband as the parents. Invite them to your house for visiting and special events, but until your daughter is old enough to speak up for herself and tell you what happens at grandma/grandpa's house, I would not let her stay with them all day and/or all night.

C.,
I agree that she's too young to be staying over night with someone anyway, even with grandparents. And especially with ones who ignore your parenting and use your husband to manipulate you. Don't back down, but maybe there is some sort of compromise. If you are really bothered by leaving her alone with them, invite them to activities so that they can interact with her, but with you supervising and in control of the situation. If they are genuine about wanting a relationship with her, they will be willing to meet you half way.

What fun is it for a 20 month old to spend the night somewhere new? None at all. My 4 year old just started thinking it was fun to sleep on the floor or in a different bed.
My in-laws thankfully followed my wishes pretty closely, although they did like to slip a few extra fun things to the kids. But they didn't go spend the night unless I needed them to (like the night before my early c-section to have baby #2). I just don't see the point.
I suggest that you could ask your in-laws to watch her for 3-4 hours. Go have some fun or hang out with your parents or whatever. When you go visit your family, do you stay a few days? If so, drop her off and pick her up at the same time every day if your inlaws' schedule allows. Tell them that you just think she's too young to stay the night without mommy, but this is almost like spending a week with them, and you really want her to get to know her grandparents (that's the kissing up part :) and think this is the best way for now. (don't say until she's older, or they'll start bugging you, saying she's old enough, as soon as she's 2, and then 3, and then 3 1/2, and then...you catch my drift!)

This is hard, my MIl is somewhat the same way, always trying to get my youngest to spend the night, I do let the older, The ages are 16,15,15,14,6,3 and 18 months. One thing that does help is keeping her involved, she gets to have the kids on weekends, during the day, and sometimes during the week, I'll call and ask her to watch the little ones that kind if thing,even though I don't really need her to, what I have learned is that she just wants time with them, they aren't getting any younger and they know that, I also find it very important that they know their grandma. One day she will be gone and I want them to have memories of her just as I have of my grammie.

Granparents have already raised their kids, and should be given a little free reign when it comes to the grankids, that is the fun of grandparents, One thing I know works for me is when I drop them off, I say" Aiden took a nap about an hour ago, he'll probably need one in 3 hours, I'd apreciate it so he isn't so cranky later" I am telling her what I want with out coming right out and saying it, I somewhat agree with your husband, that if you are stopping in to your parent the same effort should be made for his, I deal w/ my MIL more then my husband does, as the mom I can be conrtrolling in that area, especially since I usuaally know my plans for the week, Sorry I couldn't be more help, but one day you will be MIL and grandma and I know you are saying you will follow their wishes but........it's different when age is catching up to you.

Ok, I would have to say that I agree with bits and pieces of everyone's comments but feel strongly that unless the grandparents are untrustworthy, incompetent, harmful to the well-being of your child, or rude and disrespectful, then why in the world would we not let our children stay at their house? Maybe i am in a different situation because I rely on my parents alot, since I work outside of the home, but there have been times from early on that my son has stayed the night there without me (we are in the same city) and I was never once worried for his well-being. These are the people that raised me!! Do we forget so soon, they our parents did this themselves at one time? When we are grandparents, would we want our children not trusting us with their children? I trust my mother and father with my son's life. They respect my rules and have never had a problem with that, so I understand that if they are totally going against everything you ask then that can be a problem, but I wonder about some of the comments made about not letting children under a certain age spend the night with your own parents, that to me is just foreign.

She is your daughter and your inlaws should respect your wishes in how she is raised. I think that they are being very demanding with expecting you to leave her with them for a week, let alone overnight. She is not even 2 years old. I know my mother-in-law can be famous for making rude comments to me when I don't "give-in" to her demands sometimes, but just remember what is best for your daughter. Your husband needs to take a step back and support you too. Maybe you can try sitting down and explaining to them that if and when she is to stay with them, some ground rules need to be set including naptime and what foods are acceptable. I know I get frustrated because I do not allow my children to drink soda, but my inlaws have given it to them. I know it's hard...just stick to your guns. My mother-in-law wanted me to leave my baby when she was less than 3 weeks old with her; she also loves to make comments about how I breastfeed my kids and that she didn't so she doesn't think I should. Hang in there...