Asking Parents Permission Before Inviting a Child?

In my experience, the kids talk and they ask the parent. If parent says yes then the parents talk. I suggest that in the question yesterday the fact that the parent was doing the asking I would expect the parent to talk with other parent first. If it's the kids asking a parent doesn't have to be consulted first.

I wonder if this parent is upset because she feels that the mom is proselytizing behind her back. It's not a kid asking to spend time with a kid. It's the mom making a decision that the kid should go. It feels like she is pushing religion Because she often asks. Sounds like her kids aren't involved in wanting her child to be included.

If both sets of kids often play together then it's reasonable for a mom to ask the kid.

I see the poster's question about mom asking mom first as a communication problem Different thsn the usual get togethers. I would suggest this mom talk to other mom about boundaries. Seems apparent to me that the previous post is about the moms relationship.

I am with you too. Always invited kids and they then went to their parents and asked if it was ok. If it wasn't, then maybe next time.

Like you, I would offer the invite to my kids' friends (would you like to stay for dinner? sleep over tonight? come to juniors' birthday this weekend?) or my kids would ask their friends directly and then the friend would ask their parents if it was okay. The only time I asked the parents first is if it was something bigger, like taking their kid on a trip with us, or to a bigger destination, like an amusement park.

Age dependent, but also where I live, it would be seen as rude to invite the kid the way described in the previous post. It's different if the kids do the inviting - totally different. And it's different if the other parent is saying "hey, ask your Mom or Dad IF you can do X with us".

My kids are age 10 and under, and if the adult is asking the kid "Hey wanna come to X with us on Tuesday", that's kinda creepy.

Even parents of my 10 year old's closest friends would say "Ask your Mom if you can do X"...or "Hey, let your mom know I'm going to call her so we can plan for X".

ETA: The way it was said in the other post and the way I put it above when I used the word creepy, there was no "ask your Mom" stated or implied. It was stated as if the kid could do it without asking Mom or anyone talking to Mom first. That's the part that's not cool and that doesn't feel OK to me. (I inserted a break above for clarity but did not edit)

ETA 2: Sleep-over kids do usually go to church with us on Sundays too, but we clear it with the parents 1st - we don't spring it on the kid on Sunday morning. I get that you don't do that either - and I think we are reading something different into the previous post, because I get the sense from that post that the kids are being asked to do things without the assumption that parents MUST be included.

ETA3: Maybe my 10 year old is the only one in the world who is easily manipulated but I doubt it. Despite good coaching, he could be too easy a target for a predator, and that person IS usually someone you know and trust..so yeah, maybe I am being extreme, but my life is now full of kids with Asbergers and other challenges, so maybe I see this from a different POV. I don't know. I don't think another view is wrong, but for my kid...yeah, don't try to get him to go anywhere with you unless you are directing him back to me.

I really think some of us are reading the original question differently based on our experiences, our setting, and our kids' need. If my middle son was my oldest, I think I'd have a different baseline.

:D

Yeah I am with you, I found that really odd. So what they are saying is they think hey, you could have a friend over, hold on. They call mom, hey princess wants to have angel over. Okay good. Princess call Angel and see if she wants to come over.

To steal the marketing of that insurance company, it doesn't work like that.

Your kid calls their friends until they find one that can make it and then the adults talk.... Obviously I wouldn't go kidnap someone kid because they agreed, you talk to the parents, but even in preschool my kids worked through this stuff on their own. I was just the driver and the legal department

Looking at the answers do y'all get how this goes? I am going to six flags, my kid says I would like to invite princess. Princess, we are going to six flags ask your mom if that is okay. That way princess knows it has been cleared with me and then she checks with her mom. Kid to kid and mom to mom doesn't actually work. I am not going to call a mom, get six flags set up only to find out my kid is sick of princess and would rather play in traffic than go with her. Nope...

A lot depends on the age of the kids.
If they are in high school or upper middle school then kids have more control of their social lives.
Elementary school - parents like to know the other parents of the houses their kids will be spending time at.

Even at the high school level - it's useful to know if the parent of a childs friend is the kind who'll serve alcohol and/or pot at a house party or allow sex - some do.
Other parents are not necessarily your friends and it's good to have a parental network.

Do you really think you'd be happy with you child (8 yrs old) coming home saying "I'm going off with Susie to <what ever>" without the you knowing any details?
I've gotten calls like "We're having a pool party on Sat and Jason was wondering if Adam could come?" - which is perfectly fine to ask me.
At 18 it's different.

DS is 9. I have NEVER had another parent invite him to anything. It is always parent to parent here or kid to kid, followed by parent to parent (because kids do NOT know the schedule). The last time his friend announced he was having a bunch of kids over after school to play football and could he come, I checked w/ the mom. Boy was she ever surprised. She had plans to take her child to the dentist and no, there was absolutely no football on her schedule. Parent scheduled playdate happened that weekend. I have never invited someone else's child to anything. I don't think it has ever even occurred to me to do so.

I don't think it is nice to invite a child somewhere they may not be allowed to go. For example to a more violent or explicit movie than their family may permit or to a more dangerous function (trampoline, ATV outing) than they may be allowed. It just seems like setting them up. Of course disappointment happens. But this one seems just so unnecessary.

Most of our kids friends we know and we know the parents. If I know the parents then great! Go for it with inviting my kid to do something fun. But if you are a stranger then it is best to talk to the parents to invite them. I don't care if you mention it to my child first...but if you are a stranger you can't just invite my kid somewhere and take them without talking to me. If it's for an evangelical religious event, then I am a little weirded out by someone asking my kid over and over again when each and every time they say no. I don't feel like it's creepy for a buddy to invite my child to something and then they come home and ask me. But I do feel strange about someone pushing their religion. And my experience was a neighbor really pushing, pushing, pushing. Their goal is conversion I guess. That was my take on the first question.

***If you're telling the kid "Hey, wanna come with us? Ask your mom" that's totally different than just arranging it through kids.**

No parent has ever invited your child somewhere through you? That is odd! Where we live pretty much any invite coming through the kids may not be real so we say, "Well, let me hear it from your mom please." because kids are always inventing their own playdates and such unbeknownst to parents. I usually call the parents of the kid to do invites and they usually call me. Or an invitation gets sent home for b-day party. Now that my oldest is 9 she's got a particular friend who's always saying "Can___come over to play?" when they get in my car after school because her mom works and I'm always like, "get home and ask your mom and then you guys call us please", because the girl is always asking for whatever she wants without checking with her mom.....and I don't like to be asked by a kid usually. Seems odd to me to have to answer to a kid. If my daughter asks me about something herself that she heard from a friend, I'll usually call and see what the story is from a parent. I think it's odd you just deal with kids only. Are they teenagers or little kids?

If my kid wanted another kid to come with us somewhere, my kid asked me if her friend could come and I called the other kid's parent and asked if it was okay. It wasn't "asking for permission to invite." It was "We are going to spend the day at Blubberland Saturdayand Hortense would like Amaryllis to come with us. Is that okay with you?"

I was also surprised.

I was not raised that way, I guess because all of our moms worked. Usually the kid asked at school and then we mentioned it to our moms and then the parent would eventually call our mom.

Same with my daughter. At school the kids asked each other if they could do things like, go home the next day to study and then play.. Or to sleep over the upcoming friday etc. then the parent would call.

Our daughter knew I was the final say with the permission or not. She also knew there was "no whining or throwing a fit" EVER!, so she never did when I had to say no.

Maybe it is a regional thing.?
We live in Texas, the kids always are asking each other and then a follow up by the parent. No one finds it strange or gets upset. Maybe that is why we tend to be lot more social?

My big question about this is ...How do you know if the parent gave permission without asking them?

I had a friend years ago who was much more open about what movies her kids went to than I was. I would have been very upset if she just took my kids to a movie with naked people or blatant sex scenes in them. Since I am not Christian, I would be upset if someone just took my kids to a religious service without asking me.

If you invite Little Bobby only by asking him and he comes back saying 'my Mom said it's okay'. How do you know he actually asked his Mom? I would not want anyone just taking my kids any where unless they talked to me directly.

How would you feel if an Amber Alert was issued for one of your neighbor kids while they were at the mall or church with you and the parents didn't know?

Sorry but the parents should always be respected and asked directly.

I have never had a problem with a parent saying to my kid "we are going to the movies, zoo, park... etc fill in the blank if your mom says its ok you can go" As the mom it was my perogative to say no.

However having said that we had a rule for our kids growing up. and it stands now for my grandchildren when they stay with us as well. It goes like this.

If you ever ask me or dad if little suzy or johnny can come with us to X while little suzy or johnny are standing next to you the answer is an automatic no. They can come to us and ask while said kid is in the next room but not staring up with puppy dog eys as that puts you on the spot. So the rule stands still 25 years later. They knew it. And if they looked like they were going to ask I would preemptivly say whats the rule before they got 2 words out.

the kids I nanny for know this rule as well. As I refuse to be put on the spot by an 8 yr old lol. So they have to ask and then get an answer not the other way around.

Wow - some kids in preschool could organize what days they had commitments and schedule around them to organize outings with no help from parents? Impressive. As my kids are getting older, I will ask the child directly sometimes but often I don't see the child ahead of time. So it's easier to email the mom. And depends what it is. A simple come on over or let's go swimming in the neighborhood pool as I bump into a child, sure. But if it's something bigger or a sleepover, I do ask the parents first. I appreciate when other parents do the same. Of course I can say no but it's simpler if I have a reason the child can argue with to just avoid it. For instance, sometimes I feel my child hasn't been getting enough sleep for a couple of nights so I want to skip a sleepover invitation. My kids are good and won't kick and scream but just easier to handle it myself. So I extend the same courtesy to other parents. No big deal. And I assume from the other post, it had to do with the religious aspect.

When it comes to other parents, I don't *insist* on anything. (I assume if they have my child, they'll keep him safe, but that's about it.)

As a courtesy to other parents, I tend to ask them first, and it seems other parents in our area do the same. There may be reasons why their child(ren) can't go with us, and it's easier for me to check with them than it is to go back and forth through the child. Most of these parents are my close friends, anyway, so it just tends to work out that way.

Also, with us, all of the kids are still young and most of them have schedules that are already so booked up with sports, music, dance, scouts, religious ed., etc., that there is not a lot of free time, so I usually get the best information about whether someone is really available to go with us when I ask the parent.

I wouldn't be bothered if another mom asked me to check with her first. I guess I'd figure she must have some reason for her request, and I wouldn't dismiss the child or X him from our list of friends because of this. Seems kind of unfair to the child.

As kids get older, they do tend to take on more of the responsibility for their social schedules, but while they still need to be driven everywhere and while they have numerous other things on their schedules (that they don't always remember), I don't see where it hurts to check with the parent.

Also, I've seen where kids get so excited about something and start asking all their friends to join in before checking with their parents to see if this is okay. It would be kind of awkward to call another parent and ask if they really meant for my child to join them at ______, especially if I didn't know the parent as well. These parents might be surprised to find out that their child has invited 5 additional kids to go with the family when the parent was thinking only one additional friend would be accompanying them.

Anyway, that's just how it's done in our circle for things outside of the simple going outside to play in the neighborhood or park play dates.

J. F.

I've done both and I've seen both done. Either one is acceptable but I think the parent that checks with another parent before offering the invitation to the child is trying to be considerate.

I see that there are a lot of approaches to how this is handled driven by variables including the age of the kids, how many kids in the family, the nature of the activity, geography, and the relationship between the parents and the kids involved. The key here is to be reasonable.

Would I expect someone to ask me before sending a birthday party invitation? Of course not. Would I set up a play date with a child that my child has never expressed an interest in? Of course not. Do I get upset about flyers advertising events? Nope. Would I insist on being asked first if a neighborhood friend wants to play? Not at all.

But I am bothered when someone who I am not friends with repeatedly talks specifically to my children to join a religious activity, bypassing me. Courtesy and consideration - those two qualities go a long way and they're not too much to ask for.

To all of the people who say they have never been involved in setting up their children's activities or social events: I don't know that I would be bragging about that. Would you let you daughter go out on a date with someone you've never met when the boy just pulls up and honks the horn? I think some level of parental involvement is critical when the kids are young, developing into something more age-appropriate as they get older. Personally, I want to know where my kids are going, who's involved, and how they're going to get there and get back. These are not things a 7 and 10 year old can coordinate on their own. I don't think this is "high maintenance". I'm just doing my job.

i'm pretty much with you. haven't seen the other question yet, but i really don't know why we have to have rules for frickin' everything.
i can see checking wiht parents first under certain circumstances- you don't know each other, or it's something SO big and exciting there will be massive let-down if the answer is no (like if a kid is getting invited to disneyland or hawaii or something), but for the most part it was much more casual in our world. it was not at all unusual for Boy 1 or Boy 2 to pipe up with, 'hey, can arlo spend the night?' and me to say 'sure, tell him to check with his mom' and at some point no doubt arlo's mom and i would talk. but if arlo was already planning to be away at baseball camp, no more discussion needed.
i think this depends largely on both the situation and the relationship between the families.
no hard and fast rules.
khairete
S.

What confused me about the other post (religious group) was I didn't get the sense that they were all friends. I took it as this neighbor had kids around the same age and just asked the kids if they'd like to join this church group. She mentioned part of her "motivation" was because they were around the same age.

So if someone I didn't know well approached my kids on numerous occassions and invited them to join a church group - I would think it was a bit off probably.

So I get where she was coming from, if that was the case.

I let my kids handle their social lives pretty much entirely. I just have to give final OK. Similarly, they have to ask me before inviting kids here.

I talk to parents mainly with younger ones just to make sure plans were not lost in translation. My son once gave out the wrong street address ... lesson learned!

If the child is young, like 5 and under, yes, I'd prefer invites come to me first. Little kids "invite" people and sometimes have no idea what they are doing. When the kid is older, I don't mind if the invite does not come directly to me (school folders, for example) and get passed through the kid. I still need to approve the event, but I would find it very appropriate for 10 yr olds (for example) to talk amongst themselves first. If the kid verbally agreed to multiple events or didn't talk to us before RSVPing, s/he quickly learned that the parents approve the plans and had to deal with not being able to attend everything they wanted to. My DD is 6 and wanted to play with the neighbor girl, so we called her parents (also our friends) to see what their schedule was. But the girls are young and don't attend the same school.

What I was very annoyed by was a "friend" of ours (no longer our friend, for other reasons) made plans with my then 8 yr old SD to be her flower girl - nevermind that it wasn't even our custodial time, we didn't know about it til she was giving DH dress requirements, etc. That sort of thing should always go through parents first, IMO.

Without reading all of the answers below-- I'd venture to say that this a control issue for some.

My son is very young, as are his friends. The moms communicate before or after school because our kids still forget (or are willing to blow off) their after school lessons, but I think asking a kid if they want to do something is fine-- so long as there is follow through. We had a neighbor who used to suggest that our son do fun things with her kid, and then never actually made it happen. She's a pretty scattered person so I taught him to remember that she has lots of good ideas but we shouldn't expect them to happen. So it goes....

But creepy? No. I just think kids need to learn that in life, sure, lots of things sound fun-- you just need to check in with an adult,and if it works, go for it!

For me, it depends on what the invite is. If it's something that would require them to pay or has religious attachment, I would ask the parents first. Otherwise, I don't see a problem asking the kid to ask permission for themselves.

I think the distinction is that the kids aren't friends asking their friend to join them at something. It is a neighborhood adult asking a child to join them. It isn't peer to peer.
Most of the posts I read below follow the trend of, "When we were in school, the kids would discuss it and invite each other, and then the parent would call." Exactly. The parent would call and talk to the other parent. AND, the kids discussed it amongst themselves first. Neither of those things occurred in the poster's scenario.

I typically talk to the parents first but would not be upset if someone invited my kids without asking me first. It does make it tough if the kid knows about it and I have to say no though. I see your point about teaching them to handle disappointment...sometimes I'm ok with the lesson and sometimes I don't feel like dealing with it! I am pretty good friends with the parents of most of my kids' friends, so it usually isn't a big deal to talk to them about an invitation somewhere.

My guess is most people don't want to deal with their child being upset if a friend invites them somewhere and they can't go.

My family is not religious and I wouldn't be very happy if a family invited my children to church without discussing it with me first. We haven't done sleepovers yet, but if my kid was sleeping over somewhere and that family went to church in the morning, I would probably just pick him up before the family left.

I would say to that person if I'm standing there inviting kids to go to something I'm NOT going to leave your child out so I can go in the house and find my phone and then call you and explain to you what we're doing and ask you to think about it. If YOU NEED THAT SORT OF ATTENTION I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU and in that I mean your child will most likely be sent away when they come over.

I find it nuts to go to that much trouble to invite a child to join us for a church activity or something. If the parent can't handle telling their child no, honey I don't want you to go to that church or we already have plans at that time or something else.

I really can't imagine a child having to go through that. I think it shows how much a parent micromanages their child's social life. I think a child should be able to say they'll go ask mom and see what she says.

I don't get this. I ask the parent by email or text. But my kids are 8,5 and 1.

I'm with you, social stuff is nearly always kid driven but nothing wrong with a parent mentioning a special outing to their child's friend.

Who has time for all that social involvement in their children's lives?

Will Becky's Mom think it's strange if I ask her if she wants to go berry picking with us? Will she be disappointed if I mention it but her Mom says no? Will I look creepy if I see Becky and mention we're going berry picking knowing my daughter would like her to come?

Honestly I have never even considered it. I've got my own social life, that's enough orchestrating for me. However it works out, parents have the final say so why all the concern about how it goes down?

I think that age would have a lot to do with it, the younger the child the more likely the parent will get asked first.

I agree with you that most kids will get invited to something and then ask their parents. But I also felt like the post you are referring to was more about the kids being asked to religious activities then just being asked. If it had nothing to do with religion then why even include that?

For me this depends on the activity to be honest. It is normal for kids to set up plans for their own sleep overs and play dates and then ask us parents, and that is fine. But, if it is for a larger event (that will have a higher degree of disappointment) like an amusement park or away trip, or if it has anything to do with anything religious, then the polite thing to do would be to talk to the parents first. To me that just seems like common sense and is the way most the parents I know do things.