Playdate Etiquette for School Aged Children

This is how it always used to be. Kids would call each other up and see if the other one can play. It didn't matter who's house they played at.

Honestly, I don't understand all of this "play date" stuff. I think it's kind of weird.

It doesn't bother me at all. I have a 9 year old and she and her friends are always going over to each other's houses. Our 6 year old neighbor comes over to see if he can play over here all the time. If I don't feel like it, I just tell him no, but sometimes he is doing me a favor because my kids are bored. No biggie.

Please ignore Daisey's comment. You're not being uptight. She's rude to say that. I don't know how a parent allowing their child to invite him/herself over isn't rude. If my child is the one who wants the playdate, I should be the one dealing with the mess and responsibility. I'd tell your child to ask if she can come to their house instead. See how the other parent reacts. As you said, kids stopping by is different in my opinion. Sometimes kids come by to see if my daughters want to go for a scooter ride or something versus automatically coming in our house. And best friends are different too if both houses are used all the time. Our next door neighbors just pop by a lot but my daughter does it to them too and it's fine with both sets of parents because it evens out as they end up going back and forth to both houses all the time.

You're not being uptight. There are still good manners out there some places. If a child wants a playdate, that child should at least offer to host. If it's not rude to ask to come over, I guess next time I feel like having a dinner date w/ some adult friends, I'll just call and ask if I can come over and have them make my husband and I dinner!

I agree, that it's rude, but on the other hand, at least they want to come to your house to play..............I too believe that the parent should be the one to call......I think kids have to many phone privileges as it is now with cell phones..........

I guess you just need to tell your daughter, if someone wants to come over and play, their Mommy or Daddy needs to call....or you need to come talk to me..........

Good Luck.

My kids had their friends call here all the time to come over our house. I either said yes or no. It never bothered me. They come to the door and ask for them, or most just come in! My son calls his friends to go over there homes also. He has lots of good friends. I know the parents and they know me. So no it does not bother me. I am happy they feel that comfortable. I love having them here.

Not being mean but why are you so uptight about this.

This is normal. Your child is getting older and wants to make her own arrangements. My son is 10 and not only does he arrange this stuff- but, lol, I am not allowed to refer to it as 'playdates' anymore! It is 'Jake wants to come over and hang out- is that ok?" or 'I want to ride my bike over to Simon's and see what they're doing".

As they get older, they will make more of their own arrangements- and there will be more informal hanging out- fewer 'scheduled' playdates. As for the mom listening on the other end- I do that whenever possible, because I want to know for sure where my son is going,etc. I always just say " Did you ask Simon's dad if it was ok to come over?" or "Ask Jacob's mom if she doesn't care if he comes over here- tell her its fine with me"

That way the parents on both sides know who is where and what's going on. I have never been offended by my son's friends wanting to come over! Be glad that you have a house where your daughter feels comfortable bringing friends and they want to be there. In a few years when they are teenagers, you will be GLAD to be that house because you will know where your girl is and what she and her friends are up to. Just stock up on some popsicles and let them hang :)

I have twin girls who are 8 and a son who is 11. My son is old enough to talk to his friends, then will come to me and ask about having someone over - out of earshot of whoever is on the phone. With my daughters, I tell them it still needs to be arranged through mommy's or daddy's. I also, have stressed that it is rude to invite yourself to someone's house, but if you are talking about playing and the friend asks their mom if you can come over then that is fine. Even though not always convenient, I'd rather have them all at my house than anywhere else, so I'm pretty agreeable. I just like to be asked first, with the option of saying no. I don't have to give a reason for no - it's just not a good time, end of discussion.
ps - my 8 year olds really don't call friends on the phone - they ask me to call and invite people over. Maybe that's just us....

I don't think that you're being uptight either. I think it's rude to call and invite themselves over. But apparently not everyone does, so that's why it's happening.

As for the age, I think around 8 is when it's good to start doing the arranging themselves (with parental supervision). Of course, if it's the first playdate, I would try to get on the phone with the parents to firm things up after the kids are done talking.

I didn't read all the other responses, so forgive me if I'm just repeating.....
I allow my daughter to call the friend if she is inviting her over to OUR house, only. I think that phone ettiquete is important, so I want her to learn how to speak to the parent if they answer the phone. "Hello, Mrs. ____, may I speak to Lauren, please?" Or, something like that. If she asks and Lauren then asks her mom, then I get on the phone to make final arrangements. I tell my kids that they are to never invite themselves over, though. That being said, sometimes, due to schedules/conflicts, it will end up that my child will end up at the other person's house. This happens both ways, though. It just depends on what's going on. A lot of times, if a kid calls for one of mine to come there, we'll end up with them here. As long as it works for both parties involved.
I will find that, my daughter especially, will come home from school telling me that so-and-so is having a sleep-over this weekend, or wants her to come over this weekend. She'll pack her bag and have it in her head that it's actually happening. I will tell her that until her mother calls, or we get some sort of confirmation, there's no real plan. So many times, there's no call or anything like that. She'll want to call the friend and I don't let her-unless we've decided to invite HER over. Kids talk all day about what they want to do and they have it in their heads that it's in concrete.
As far as kids inviting themselves over, that's probably annoying. I will sometimes allow it because if a kids wants to come over that badly, then it makes me feel good that this is a fun and safe place to be. Frankly, I would prefer the kids to be HERE so that I know what's going on. Where I live, the parental guidance isn't always there. Some of the things parents let their kids do........not what I would, I'll say that. I would say to allow it if you want, but tell your daughter that just because they are asking, doesn't mean you'll let them come over. It always had to go through YOU, first. Good luck!

I would say this is plain rude. Don't these parents teach their kids it is rude to invite yourself over to someones house! When I call for a play date I always call to invite kids to my home, and if these kids are calling it should be to ask for your daughter to come to them, not the other way around, or to meet outside at a park or something. People are failing to teach their children what where considered normal common manners not long ago, and we are seeing the results in things like this. Next time get on the phone and ask to speak to the parent, and then politely say, "my daughter is welcome to come to your house for a playdate, I am sure I can find a good time to invite your daughter over at a later time, I will call you"

I'm with you. I was raised that you don't invite yourself over, you have to be invited. I am teaching my boys the same thing. They ask all the time "can I spend the night with :::" I ask if they've been invited and they say "no". I explain that we can invite someone over and hope that maybe next time they'll invite us.

It's normal. My kids are 15 and 11, and yes, they had friends who would do this. I was raised to know that it's poor manners to invite yourself to someone's house but apparently most parents nowadays don't believe that or it never occurred to them to teach their kids that. My kids, when they were younger, would ask me if they could call a friend and ask to go to that person's house, and I would tell them that you can't invite yourself over, it's bad manners, that you can only call to invite them to your house. Sticky situation of course because telling them it's bad manners to do it leads them to ask why, when their friends do it all the time. Of course I didn't want them telling friends that I think what the friends are doing is rude. It's just another way in which our society has become much more casual in the past few decades.
Yes, at 8 years old, children are capable of making their own playdates with a parent's permission, as long as there is a plan in place. My kids at that age would call a friend to invite him/her over that day, and if there were any details to discuss, the phone could be handed off to the parent. I didn't need to bother with making the basic "Can you come over?" call.

I think it's fine for an 8-year-old to call to invite. But it's never appropriate to call and invite yourself over to someone else's house, no matter what age you are. (Unless an open invitation has been offered -- by a parent!)

So, I think you are completely within your rights to decline that kind of request, or suggest a different time.

I teach my girls, 8 and 10, it IS rude to call and ask for an invitation to someone else's house. I would never allow them to do that, it's just bad manners. They are allowed and encouraged to call friends and invite them to our house if it is a good time to play. They are also allowed to knock on their neighbor friend's doors (not too early or late or at dinner time) to ask if their friend wants/is available to come outside to play, or come over to our house.

As far as the calling, I do believe 8 is a good age for the kids to be the ones calling each other independently. They can be coached on good phone manners, and parents can come in to finish up on logistics if the kids would like to get together. Kids should be choosing their own friends, and when parents do all the work scheduling the calendar with playdates, I think kids start to lose some valuable social skills. We talk a lot about what makes a good friend, good friends take turns inviting each other over, or calling to make plans, and let the kids make their own choices, with some guidance.

Yes, I agree with you - it is rude for kids to just invite themselves over (esp. with parental permission). That said, I have noticed that it happens quite often in this day and age. I do not know if it is because so many people have to work and children do not have as much time to meet neighborhood kids and run around outside or what. I stay at home with my boys, but everyone else in our neighborhood works so getting playtime with neighborhood or school friends is always by arranging playdates by phone. However, when the boys want to play with someone, I always say that we can call, but we must invite them to our house. We cannot ask to go to the child's house. They do not always like this, but I always tell them that is the way it is. Usually, they get invited to the kid's house next.
Nevertheless, by evening we usually have several neighborhood kids asking if they can play---at our house! Best of luck!

Just wanted to say that I don't let my 9 year old daughter invite herself over but she does make her own phone calls with my instructions on what should be said. I have on ocassion, heard her plotting with her friend to go to the other girls house so sometimes the kids do this without the parents knowledge or approval. I do find that inviting yourself over is very inapporiate and should be done between the adults helping each other out.

I didn't read all the comments, but I think it's extremely rude. When my kids were little, we had a rule. My kids (if they wanted someone to come over and play/ spend the night/ etc.) had to ask me first in private. If they came up to me after cooking something up with friends, they knew it was an automatic 'No'. We set that rule from the get-go. So, if they brought their friend over and asked me in front of them, it was no and it embarassed them and not me. I would even say, "You know the rules. It's an automatic no because you didn't ask me first." So, I see no problem with telling your child that if someone invites themselves over, it's an automatic 'no'. The friends will all figure it out and quit inviting themselves. Besides... it robs the fun from your child. It's fun for kids to invite friends over to play. If someone invites themselves, it's not fair to your child.