Anyone Cut off Toxic Family? How Do You Explain It?

I don't explain it. I just don't really talk my family that much unless someone is a very, very close friend. I just say, "oh they live in another state and we're not that close"...Mostly, I just tend to be a private person.

What's to explain? To truly cut someone out of your life, they are as if dead to you. You don't talk about them. No one will try to reunite you with people they don't know exist. To talk about them means you have to think about them and they need to be out of your mind in order for you to be free of them.
You've done so much to turn a bad chapter of your life over and put the past in the past. If you talk about them, you still allow them to define you and it ties you to them and makes the cutting off incomplete. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. You want people to tell you that you are right for leaving them, but even that ties you to your past. YOU know you are right and that's all you need and that should be enough.

FIrst, I would like to say "GOOD FOR YOU"!!!!!! Second, I do not think you have to explain your situation to anyone or lie about it for that matter. Just say something like due to situations out of my control I do not see my family, Or I do not have any family here. If people ask further just simply say I would rather not talk about it. This is the type of conversation you have with someone very close to you not just casual everyday people. This is your business, your life, and nothing to be ashamed of or judged for. Good luck to you for continuing to have a happy, healthy, life.

There is a reason why you chose to leave your family in the past and move on. So leave them there and don't bring them into your future. It takes great strength to move, change your name and try to start over. I understand your situation and believe like other have said people only "need to know" what you choose to tell them. I would say that if you are ever to be in a serious romantic situation that, that would be the person to tell the whole truth too. When other people ask just say something to the effect of "It's difficult to talk about" or "that story is a bad after school special I don't want to talk about". People who are not close to you usually don't pry after that. Guard the topic of your family in the same manner as you would your bank account and social security number, that is not information that anyone but you "Needs to Know".
Good Luck

Court battles are all about conflict and trying to win the fight. If you are testifying in court as an advocate or as a witness, the opposing side will say whatever they have to, within reason, to undermine your credibility because you are in the way of their client getting what they want. Don't take it personally, that's just how the game is played. State your truth, don't let them ruffle your feathers and always maintain your focus that this is all about the victim, not about you. If the opposing party can get you all riled up and lose your cool or your perspective, this works in their favor. Advocacy is not easy work to do so I really admire you for sticking your neck out there and helping others escape what you have been through.

As far as whether or not to disclose your past and family history to just regular, everyday people, I guess that if it were me, I'd probably wait to find out whether or not the person I am talking to can actually "get it" before I bare my soul to them. Some people just aren't able to understand another person's perspective or realize that other people's lives have not been as comfortable or as safe as their very own. Those people, I would just keep at a superficial distance and not bother entrusting them with my life story. It would be a waste of time.

I am so glad that you have been able to turn your life around. Keep up the good work.

I don't think you need to explain. Just telling them that your not close and it doesn't bug you should be enough. Not everyone has a close family. Sometimes we have to cut them off.

.... probably in most situations... the more you say... the more you will be open to criticism... and getting judged by them... because there is no way they can understand the WHOLE history or events nor what or how things came to be, in your life.

Mostly, you do not have to tell people anything... unless they ARE your closest friends. Perhaps.

The more you tell... the more it will be open to being scrutinized... and you being seen, perhaps, negatively.

all the best,
Susan

You tell people as much as they need to know, which isn't much. Good for you for having the strength to walk away.

I have cut off toxic in-laws. Obviously, those who already knew all of us, eventually found out we no longer were speaking. I have no clue what my in-laws say happened---I don't care. I know the truth and I can sleep at night and live a happy live with peace of mind. I stopped the relationship because my MIL was verbally & emotionally abusive to me and one of my kids and my FIL and BIL sat and did nothing. Well, that's not completely true, sometimes they would actually just leave the room. So as far as I'm concerned they are just as guilty. I told my kids they are in Florida (they spend 7 months of the year there anyway--so not too much of a fib). A lot, and I mean almost 98% of my hubby's family have taken her side (whatever it is) purely because I stopped associating with her. Now, intially my hubby would take the kids over (should have mentioned that before) until she would constantly bad mouth me to him and my kids and he saw first hand how she favored one kid and basically ignored the other (the one she ignores doesn't look Italian or have an Italian name, so she was offended by the Irish name and is embarrassed that her granddaughter "looks like a mic". N-I-C-E!!!! My friends know the truth. Anyone who I have met that never met my in-laws...I just roll my eyes like "Oh man, you don't want to know", and say "Too long of a story that I don't want to get into." Only one person pushed on it and I said, "Sorry, I'd rather not. I'm in a very good place in my life, why bring any negativity by talking about them." She never asked me again. I wouldn't accuse you of being a run-away or unloving...I would accuse you of being strong, brave, and having pride in yourself....what a good thing!

I've never dealt with this situation but I do have situations in my past that others have judged. The thing I'm coming to realize is that when other people say something negative about things of my past, I can choose to allow it to bother me. I can choose to believe what they are saying. I know my situation better than anyone. So why am I choosing to allow it to reflect on me badly? Maybe it's because *I* judge what I've done as a bad thing? I know that sounds a little hokey but once I stopped judging me, then what others said didn't matter. It would be like someone telling me I've got two heads. My response would be "Well, um, thanks for saying that but I manage just fine with one." And judgments are likely a reflection of another person's own inner thoughts about their family, ie. they wish they could move away from their family. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well. Basically I'm saying this is a part of who you are. It just is. It's not who you are and sharing it is sharing you. Not everyone will like it but hey, it happened.

And as you can see, others have dealt with the same thing. So people need to hear about this more than you probably realize. Hiding it means that everyone else who has dealt with it thinks they are alone and a weirdo.

Does this make sense? I advocate honesty and authenticity in all things. And then I work through whatever it is that makes me feel shameful or guilty about my situation. No one can make me feel badly about anything unless I choose to let them.

And that might look like saying:

"My family and I don't talk anymore. I felt abused in that situation and had to move away from them when nothing changed. It feels weird to talk about and I feel bad about it sometimes but I feel much better, safer, more alive without them in my life."

I hope this helps. And I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this in your life.

S.

I just say we were never really close and end it. Its no ones business why you do not keep in contact with toxic family members. I have done the same with a few of my so called family members. I get asked about them and I really do not keep in contact with them and change the subject.

I would just say that, "my family is spread out all over the place (meaning different states) and we were never really close, so one keeps in touch." (and if you want to add...) "I prefer to be alone anyways." And if they ask, "don't you miss them?" Just say "No, like I said we weren't close, so there is nothing to miss,(and if you want to add more...) "I love my life just the way it is!" End of story!! :) That way you are not making it dramatic or lying, like a car crash, where people might still be curious as to how you are coping and might view you as a sympathy case, and will be tempted to ask questions. I am assuming that you want to forget your family and move forward as normal as possible. Lots of people have distant families that they don't keep in touch with, and that seems to be pretty normal and acceptable these days. Be proud of where you are, and don't let nosy people take that away from you. Find a spiel that feels comfortable and right to you and stick with it. Good luck!

I don't tell anyone... I don't talk about them at all- they are out of our lives and it is probably better because what I said before would have been seen as negative by others.

I would just not mention them, if someone asks about your family you can say that you lost your family in a tragic crash and it is too painful to talk about. There is no reason to go into the details of the one who was abusing you..in fact I would not want to discuss him/her at all, because of the painful memories and also because you have gone to great lengths to separate yourself from this person, why take a chance on him finding out where you are again by bringing your relationship up to others?
I am confused as to how the court, or attorney, KNEW about your past abusive relationship unless you had brought it up in court yourself? Or maybe the attorney did his homework and had investigated your background. I don't know what to tell you about that specific situation, or how I would have handled it, I guess it would have been up to the prosecuting attorney to step in and handle that.
Good luck to you and congratulations on taking the difficult steps to protect yourself and live a happy life.
God bless

It's nice to see that you're in a better place right now and I appluad you for taking care of yourself. So many in your situation might have perpetuated the cycle. I agree that your closest friends, whom act as your new family, should know as much as you're comfortable telling them. Other people don't really need to know. I think a non-chalant answer is fine when in casual conversation, you don't want to overshare, especially if it isn't relevant to the topic at hand...unless you're in a sitaution guiding or counseling others, then share away! I do understand though, and you should be proud of how far you've come, but you can simply say that you are estranged from your biological family.

Wow, it's like I could have wrote this. This is my life exactly. I am dealing with the same issue now. I have basically isolated myself because I don't like talking about my family. I don't even like being asked. Now, I am finally to a point where I want to date, make friends, etc and don't know how to explain why I don't have a relationship with my family.