earlier today my bfs 2, almost 3 yr old son told me that he doesnt still love me and that he doesnt have to listen to me. he said he didnt love me once last week. his father and i told him that its not nice to say things like that to people. his father tries his best but today was bad. this morning when i asked him why he said that he doesnt love me he told me "dunno. me not allowed to love you. mommy says". i was at a loss for words and really didnt know how to respond. it took me a second but i told him hes allowed to love anyone he wants to love. he said no and was adamant that he only is allowed to love mommy and grandma. he also said mommy said he doesnt need to listen to me and that im a bad girl.
I contacted his mom, as we have never had any problems with eachother and confronted her. Every time she is confronted with something he says to us (another situation being bad words) she tells me he is a liar and she doesnt know why he lies. I have been working with kids his age for over 10 years, I can spot a lie and when a child is being told things. he looked sad and confused when he said "not allowed". She says it wasnt her but I also know some of her old friends who stopped talking to her because they couldnt stand the things she did with her son. They have told me that she tells him lies all the time about his father. she tells people, in front of him, that his dad is a bad dad and that he hits him. my bf has never once lifted a finger, nor does he really even raise his voice. anyone that sees him with either parent also knows that when hes with dad he is polite and well behaved and happy, i think the term most used by people that see him with mom is "monster'". i have never seen this behavior they talk about and i cant even imagine it. we have known for a long time that both she and her mother lie to him about his father, now one of them, if not both are telling him he doesnt love me and that i am bad.
what can i do? what can WE do? my bf told him that we all love eachother in this house. im not just worried about my relationship with him, obviously one day he will be able to know better and decide things for himself. i am VERY concerned about how this can impact him psychologically. a child should not be having to question loyalties. i am very sad too that he has been saying things like this to me and all i can do i feel is just show him love and not let him see it bother me. but what can i really do when it is people who are very important role models in his life filling his head with things.
also, the whole you cant always believe kids...i know when he lies, i have been in his life since he was a year old. i helped him learn to talk and i live with my bf and him 5 days a week he is home with us.
sorry this is long, and probably a bit ranty but i am very upset and definately needing to vent and get advice
**Edit**In response to how this came to be the situation I have no idea. She has primary custody, my bf pays her child support even though he has him majority of the time. She from what i have gathered over the past 2 years has never cared about how much time she spends with him, just the money. in fact she never even gets him on time on her days. She picks him up or has us drop him off about 4 hrs after her scheduled time. Im told that when she has him she barely plays with him. She leaves him with his grandmother a lot too. My bf has told her several times that he doesnt want him going there so much and that he would prefer for her to drop him off here. He works works overnights and his home during the day. She wont do this, and its not a matter of distance, we live on the same street as grandma. This has been going on since before we were dating.
No matter where this is coming from, it's sad.
I would respond by telling him that "It's OK, I love you enough for both of us" and leave it at that.
He's too little to understand ANY of the levels of what is going on here. Poor kid.
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he is SO young... to even know or understand about things like this.
And that is his "Mom"...
the best you can do, is to love him. Don't expect him to say things verbally that denotes he loves you or not.
Don't take it personally....
The issue... is his Mom.
Not the boy.
He is SOOOO young.... a child this age does NOT even have emotions fully developed yet.
Just, in your home... show him love, be loving, don't expect him to say it or prove it.... just love him.
Teach him, in YOUR home, about love... and that not everyone, is 'kind'... but that YOU and his Dad, love him... and he is a part of the family.
Kids this age, do not even know about 'lying' nor understand. They don't even fully understand the difference between fiction and non-fiction.
Needless to say, his Mom is toxic.
Child counseling might be good for him.
ALSO, DOCUMENT everything... per custody/his well-being etc. He is being emotionally.... damaged.
Again, he is very young... to know, right from wrong.
Do not punish him for this... he is not even 3 years old. And for abstract emotions like this, a young child like that may not understand why... he is being scolded for it. He is after all, only 'repeating' what his Mommy says... and tells him.
TEACH him... about values and keep things age-appropriate....
all the best,
Susan
I would do nothing but continue to love him as you do and always have done.
If/when he ever tells you he doesn't love you I would just say "That's OK. I love you" and leave it at that. Trying to have a conversation with an (almost) 3 yr old about love and what his Mom and Grandma might be telling him is pointless and probably adds more discomfort for the lil' guy...just let it go.
If he is already living with you 5 days out of 7, I think the love and stability that he has with you and his father will out weigh the confusion and any negative his Mom is doing to him on her 2 days.
I understand your anger...it is very valid...what the Mom and the Grandma are doing to him is so very wrong...but you can not change what/who/how they are...I wouldn't even waste my time by confronting her/them, it wont do you any good and could possibly even make things worse.
~I speak from experience. My Hubby's Ex went thru a very similar stage in the beginning...telling the boys that their dad and I were "bad" and even that their grandparents (hubby's parents) were "bad people" because they drank wine...all of this was due to the fact that she is Mormon and we are not and we were "bad" people because we didn't believe the same thing that she did and what she was desperately trying to teach the boys was the one and only "true" church. She also told the boys that they didn't have to love me or listen to me and that I was never gonna be their Mom...at the same time introducing her new husband to them as their "only" dad and trying to get them to call their real dad by his first name only. All I can say, is that some women, when dealing with divorce and new girlfriends in the picture get very awful and do not use the best judgment...it's sad!
A child that age doesn't lie about stuff like that! She or someone close to her has either told him that or he has overheard them saying it. Since you confronted her and she denied it there isn't much you can do but hang in there. Keep showing him love and have your boyfriend tell him that he can love more than just his mom and grandma....it won't make him love them any less.
It is a shame but some people are so insecure they say things like this to children and make everyone's life harder.
can I say reading this was like you knew my life. I have been in my stepson's life since he was 1, and he is 8 now. We have gone through the EXACT same things. the mom still bad mouths the dad. Whenever dad didn't do what mom wanted, she ALWAYS told him he was a horrible dad and didn't love his son at all, right in front of the son. She tells him that he doesn't have to listen to me at all. He calls me mom, and one day when we dropped him off, the mom yelled at the dad again in front of the son for the son wanting to call me mom. But the son told us that mom was wrong and he still wants to call me mom. So we let him.
We have dealt with all of this for years. And several people who know her and me, say that they see all the behavior on her part out of jealousy. Because i spend time with him and include him in things and she doesn't. No matter what the mom has said i still include him as much as possible. he helps cooking and gardening. I taught him to make blankets, and we take him places whenever possible. We haven't allowed what she says to affect our family life at all. If anything we are more aware of what we are doing, and making sure we include him as much as possible.
Being that he is only 3 there isn't much you can say to him, as he doesn't understand what's going on. i wouldn't push the issue of him loving you at all. I would still tell him you love him, but only once or twice a day. He is already confused and you don't want to add to it.
With the whole idea of one day them knowing better, it's a great idea. I think the same thing. When he turns 18, i won't censor what is said to him about his mom. But at the same time, that will always be his mom, and that is a strong bond. So even if he sees the truth, it is very hard to break that tie. My concern with my stepson, is that his mom is such a manipulator that even if he knows the truth and wants to break ties at least some ties, i don't think he will ever be able to. My husband and I have safeguarded our will for this reason. Plus we have already decided that the stepson is not allowed to be left the business at all, as the mom will run it dry.
Just know that he loves you and he will continue to even if he doesn't say it. and if these things continue on in his life long enough that he remembers when he is older, he will remember that you still loved him and didn't force him to do things that he didn't want to do becuase of issues with mom.
This is sad and disturbing, because this child is too young to sort out the conflicting messages he hears. His mother is obviously terribly insecure. And even if he didn't get explicit messages, many step-children are confused at some point in their lives about their loyalties. My daughter experienced this when I remarried as she was entering puberty. Awkward and painful for all of us.
But you are doing the right thing by just going on loving him, being an important nurturer and role model. He will sort this out when you give him no reasons to doubt how important and present you are in his life. Don't take what he tells you personally. Whether he's allowed to say it out loud or not, he will go on loving you.
If you are able to get him to a children's counselor, that might be extremely helpful. Meanwhile, I hope you'll read up on Emotional Intelligence in Children (google this for tips and resources), and invest in a copy of the greatest parenting book ever: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The techniques help tremendously in creating a safe space in which this little guy can find his real thoughts and understandings, and eventually even help find his own solutions to some tough emotional dilemmas.
Sounds like he's lucky you are in his life. My very best to all of you.
I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart. Having a 3.5 year old son, its already sooo difficult for them to understand the world around them and while they have come a long way in their little lives, they still have so much to learn. Unfortunatley this little boy is getting some difficult life lessons already. It hurts, but I'm going to have to suggest you and the father just keep loving him as much as possible and "teaching" him just as you would if someone else was treating him badly. When its a parent or grandparent it seems like that SHOULD NOT have to be the case, but unfortunatley it is. Clearly these women in this childs life are not stable, have their own issues. If at all possible your BF has GOT to try and speak with the mother and try to work together for the benefit of the child. Sounds like the mother is to jealous and selfish to do that BUT the positive adults have to make every effort. It really breaks my heart. I'm sorry! Just keep it positive as it sounds like you have been doing and don't feed into the game. The child will learn...very sad. It may be a bit of a good thing if this mother doesn't spend as much time with the child as she is allowed...less time to inflict emotional damage on him! Give her the money and hopefully she'll just go away!
This is called, "Parental Alienation Syndrome" {PAS}; you can google this horrible situation (not a medical term, as psychologists continue to refuse to allow PAS to become a diagnose and part of their manual, DSM IV R)
[btw, I was a psych major in college, not a counselor or psychologist, do have a aas in legal assisting; contact me if you need more info]
The child is referred to having the PAS: whenever a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, even teacher (or anyone in the child's life) talks badly about the other parent, grandparent, etc..
This occurs, usually, when the non custodial parent (or any other "jealous" person) wants to hurt the person the child trusts, by telling the child horrible things regarding the person (in this case, YOU)
Obviously, mommie (and grandma??) is jealous of the relationship between HER SON and you...as you are "the other woman in MY child's life."
and, mommie doesnt want her little boy to love any other woman, but her.
This is not a reflection on you; this is about HER feelings, whatever those feelings are (be it betrayal, deep resentment, hurt, feelings of inadequacies, and especially jealously, this gal is very much in pain, the fact that she {a} does not have custody of her son, {b} her son lives with another woman, and, {c} she will never have a "family" with her biological son and the biological daddy of her son...
she may be kidding herself, but she is obviously in pain over this situation/ arrangement;
you do not mention how this situation/ arrangement came to be...
this girl may have deep resentments, especially if this arrangement was court ordered by a judge.
Does she have 'supervised visitation' with her mother supervising these visits with her son?
My suggestion to you, DONT FEED INTO THIS- just be there for the child;
the biological mother (and even grandmother, bless her un-loving heart) may not even be aware of what she is saying to her son, yes, she may not be aware...
and I cant go overboard, here, to say, this gal is deliberately having her son hate you...
as I dont know all of the facts of this horrible situation...
best thing to do: ignore her actions....just be there for the child, if you can understand what I mean..
This is a very much horrible situation to be in, but please, keep this out of family court, because if this situation gets to the point where either mommie or daddy takes this issue to court, then you have a judge making decisions for your family.
I must say, this child is very very intelligent; cant you see he is hurting as well? He says he dunno why he tells you that he does not love you (he can sense this is important to you), yet is truthful to you, and can be honest to you, and TRUSTS YOU to tell you that mommie (and grandma, which really disturbs me) told him he's not allowed to love you..
Tell him, (try to hug him while saying this)
I cant help how your mommy feels, and I know she is upset when she's not with you, because she loves you too, but I love you too!!
and leave it at that....
try not to let this lil boy know that what mommie is saying is hurting you...
or is dad
dont feed into this...or else the lot of you will be ending up in a psychologist's office...this baby is only nearly 3 yrs old...you dont want to turn him into a child who resents one parent or both...
Reinforce your love for him, keeping in mind that he is forever safe with his dad and you...
and you want him to continue telling you how he feels; this is a plus for you..
that he trusts you and loves you enough to tell you the truth, and to tell you how he feels, and how his mom wants him to feel...
{what a smart lil boy you have there, cherish him forever!!}
luck to you, and again, any questions, please contact me..
(Grandma of 3)
Just tell him you will always love him whether he thinks he is allowed to love you or not. Tell him that people can't control the way you feel, and that you and his father will always be there for him and think he is the most special kid on Earth. If he uses the "I don't have to listen to you" during a temper tantrum, tell him that while he is with you and his father, you are the adults in charge and he absolutely has to listen to you, but otherwise ignore the comment completely. Having a stable, loving environment, is the best thing you can give him.
As to your edit, you may want to talk to your bf about revisiting the custody rights. I have not been through this, so I don't know what's involved, but it may be worth talking to a lawyer. In the meantime, I would document all the times he is dropped off and picked up from the mother, and how the arrangements were made, and any changes and who makes those. Start doing this even if you have no intention of working on custody any time soon.
