How to Approach My Sibling Regarding Her Dicipline Techniques? Help

http://www.helpguide.org/mental+/child_abuse_physical_emo...

Here is a great link. I know this must be an emotional time. The best thing is to ask for PROFESSIONAL advice and act on that. Each case is so unique acting based solely on other's experiences can be dangerous.

I wish you the best, and it sound that both you and the children are being very brave through all of this.

No suggestions but props to you for taking in a couple of teenagers for a month. Sounds like they needed a place to stay and you stepped up for them. A nice stable home must be such a relief for them- you're a good mama. Good luck.

Very delicate, indeed. First of all, the therapist should be seeing them individually (with no parents present) and knows when and how to "keep secrets". Encourage them to share with the therapist all that they have shared with you. Not that they have been dishonest with you, but keep in mind that the children will have a different perspective than the adults involved, for a number of reasons at this point in their lives. Part of being a responsible adult is not running with that information but gathering facts and figuring out how they fit together.

You should not bring this to your sister's attention because she will keep them away from you, shutting them and herself off from people who love them. It is more important that they be able to reach out to you than for you to keep them from getting slapped occasionally. It's not ideal, but at least you can protect them when they are with you. That time together will go a long way; protecting them is not just about keeping them physically safe. Your sister will not hear any of this from you. You will not be able to be effective in this if you confront her. Be a non-judgmental listener in her life. Work behind the scenes, making subtle--yet significant--changes.

A therapist will know how and when to broach the subject with the parent(s). A therapist will have a clear and unbiased view of the situation and keep things in perspective. You are passionate right now about right and wrong, and it's not always helpful to jump out with that. Timing and discretion are key here. It won't change overnight, so pack your toothbrush.

Be honored that your niece and nephew chose you to confide in. I would imagine by doing so they have respect and love for you and feel that you may be the one person who can help protect them.

You absolutely should explain to their mother her discipline techniques are not acceptable. Are you willing to stay in touch with and check in on your niece and nephew? Are you willing to call the proper authorities should the hitting continue? Are you willing to take responsibility for your niece and nephew should they be removed from the home?

You owe it to them to confront the situation - regardless of how your sister feels. Stand up to her and explain to her what the consequences will be if she continues in this manner. Take a friend or other family member with you for support and backing.

Shame on her for forbiding the kids to open up in therapy - really, if they don't what purpose is the therapy serving?

My thoughts are with you - you're in a difficult situation.

I think I would start by telling your sister how much you love her and have loved keeping the kids. What a joy it has been and how much you appreciate the new "openess" she has shared with you over the past few months.
I would voice that you understand why she is angry and you wish there was something you could do to help her. Offer to be there for her if there is anything she needs.
Then, I would gently mentioned that one (I wouldn't say both, or say which one.) let it slip that they had been slapped. At that point I think I would mention that I understand that have teenagers can get pretty rough because you really only have one side of the story and don't know if the kids provoked her.
I believe this will make her feel safe and not attached or judged for her actions and encourage more openess. Sounds like she has gone through a rough time and needs a friend. So, listen first, speak last.
I wish you the best!
J. Dirmeyer
Midwife

Until you walk in her shoes...
Listening to her kids, praying for your sister, doing something nice for your sister when everyone else is treating her like trash, instead of heaping more on, may help her more than any "you should discipline in the way I choose to discipline" moments. Its amazing what a little grace and love can do to change an aching heart. Telling someone how they are supposed to act will do nothing to help her be less angry. You know your sister...what would let her know you care?

I would find out who their counselor is and tell them about the infidelities and the slapping.

Bless you for being a part of these kids' lives. I agree that you must speak up for the kids' sake. It's not about how you will be treated or trusted or whatever. It's about the kids' emotional state, now and in the future. Talk to your niece and nephew and tell them that you will work with them to get their mom some help. Tell them that you know they want their mom to be happy again.

Tell them that you are so glad they have been honest with you and because you love them, you must step in. Talk to your sister as the others have said, in a very understanding, loving way. Tell her that she is not alone in her pain but that she can get help to deal with it. She can be happy again. Her kids have to learn to be able to be honest in therapy so they can get the help they need. Otherwise, they will respond to pain the way their mother has taught them. The cycle will continue.

Be strong and remember to stand up for these kids. They need you more than ever.

I had the same issues growing up. I got beaten all the time by my own father (he did more than just slap me). I tried asking for help but never got any. My relatives or other ppl who I'd try to tell would just say stuff like "Oh you're making that up, I've met your parents/I know your parents & they'd NEVER do such things!" I was extrememly petrified of my father as I didn't know what would set him off or when. They forced me to go to therapy stating that "I" was the cause of disruption (ha ha) but I couldn't tell the therapist because the therapist would then remove me from the room & talk to them about it, about what I told him/her & then I'd get in serious trouble at home for "telling lies" so I quit trying to make the most of therapy sessions because of that. That may be the same reason your sister doesn't want her kids to 'tell' on her, b/c she'd be embarrassed for acting like that or be afraid her kids would get taken away. It may escalate to more than just slapping around eventually. Something needs to be done while it's still 'early'. What I'd try to do first is find out if this also goes on in your home as well. You could ask her kids if she does this at anytime when you're not at home. You could also try to put hidden video cameras up in places they won't know about & try to catch this behavior on film OR You can just try to pay attention to her actions & behavior towards her kids in your presence. If you witness any type of negative reactions, try to talk to her in private, sometimes talking to her in front of her kids helps too in that she can't deny it as easily if they're there to back it up. Try to relate as best you can. If you choose not to talk to her w/her kids present, this will help your neices/nephews in the way that your sister won't have to know they told you this, you can just say (honestly) that you have proof & want to try & help her. But then she may accuse you of spying on her. Perhaps she needs to goto anger management?? You may have to eventually tell your nieces/nephews that they must come forward w/you & confront your sister, their mom, about what they've told you & if you've also witnessed this behavior towards them if nothing else works. This is such a tough situation to handle. Your sister could also turn on you stating that it's "none of your concern" or that you have "no right to tell her how to handle her kids". That may happen so you hafta be prepared for an answer or prepared how to help her. I'd do some research on ways you can possibly help too. Good luck!!

If you turn the tables, and the father was doing this, wouldn't the mother want to know? Do you think she would be okay with that? If you were in this situation with your spouse, wouldnt you want someone to help your children?

Slapping is unacceptable!!! Protect these kids. Confront her lovingly, she will not like it one bit, but do not ignore these kids!! I would let them know it is not Okay to hit anyone and that you all need to have a talk. She needs help. I would protect my children or my niece and nephews at all cost! You are a good person, stand up for them.

Dear S.,
It sounds like you have an emergency situation happening, and God has given this information to you for a reason. I would say that you need to put fear aside - fear for yourself, fear for the kids etc...and confront her openly with what you know and with your concerns. Once it's out in the open she may stop this behavior. You might have to throw in a threat though. A threat given out of love and tact. Ask her is you can help or if she'd like to GET help. Kindly demand that she stop hitting her children. Get her to open up about her husband - she's obviously bitter and may not realize how bad she's being.
Do all this while asking God for guidence in the situation.
Also I would point out to your sister that there's no point in her children being in therapy if they can't be honest and tell everything. They're still young enough to maybe fix this, but if it keeps going and they hit their mid to late teens, the whole family will have a mess on their hands!
God bless. Thank you for reaching out. I will keep you all in my prayers.
D.

The first thing that pops into my mind is does the father know that the kids know what he had and is doing? If not they need to let him know that they do, this is her reaction to the hurt that she feels about that. This is hard for the kids and I feel for them, they need to understand the hurt that she feels and give her a little extra love and hugs this might just be the meds. needed for her. They need to also let her know that it hurts when she hits them and makes they wonder if she no longer loves them, as much as before all this happened. It might wake her up. Good luck this is always hardest on the kids.

Well I have been thinking on your post today and pondering what I think the best approach is. Forgive me if this is a repeat, I didn't read your other responses. Well first, this is your sis, you love her and she knows that even if she is emotionally distant now. I understand that this is a problem but getting authorities involved is something that is very weighty, I mean you would have to judge if you actually thought those kids would fare better in a foster care situation than with mom, which it sounds like from your post that she is a good mom but handling herself poorly. If you tried to get the kids, which I am not saying you are prepared to do just throwing out ideas, you might find out the real story behind what pushes mom's buttons and you have a child of your own to care for, not to mention the great wedge it could drive between you and your sister. I am not excusing her behavior only pointing out that you are only getting one side of the story at this time and there may be some elements being left out. I think in your situation, the first thing I would do is just talk with your sister in general about how she is doing. Jut ask lots of questions, maybe not in one sitting but over the course of days or whatever seems right to you. How is she handling all this, how is she processing the stress of everything, are the kids needs overwhelming right now. I would just try to get her talking without letting on that the kids spoke with you. If you are up for it, you can definitely offer to have the them with you whenever you can to take stress off mom and give them a break as well. It sounds like mom may really need some counseling to get through this hard time in her life and get some help managing her anger. I would try to team up with her to help her face the whole range of issues she is dealing with and see if that alleviates this issue of being to physical with her kids. If they continue to come to you with this however, you may have to step up and do more. If you think they are in any danger of being seriously injured or worse, you must report it, only you can know your gut, so I will pray that you make the decision that is best for the situation. I really hope it all works out and that there is peace restored in your family. Best wishes!

Hmm....that's a tough one. One part of me wants to say let it go. Be there for the kids if they need you. Let them know they can call you at any time, that you will come get them at any time. THat sort of thing.

Another part of me says say something to your sister. You may lose you auntie privilages and they may pay for it in the end, though. That is the last thing you want. You may just have to let this go. Slapping is not usually considered abusive in and of itself, but it does sound like they are in an abusive situation, taken as a whole. What she is doing to the kids is definitely unfair.

Sorry I do not have any other answers. It is a catch 22 situation and I wish you and them the best.

G,
I agree with Heather and the other posters who suggested that you work through the therapist and not confront your sister. However, I am concerned that the therapist may not be up to the task. Three years is a long time for "normal" kids to be in therapy. Talk to the kids and get some feedback on what happens in therapy. Why did they not trust her/him enough to tell? Getting through these defenses is the therapist's job. Do they like him/her, trust her, respect her? Does she help them to think things through? Does Mom have the same therapist?
Is Dad paying for the therapy? or Mom? or the state? All of those things can determine how the therapist sees the kids.
How do they want you to handle this? Can you set up a routine of phone calls in which a code word tells you they need help? Can they have predetermined visits with you?

CPS has way too many kids and based on my experience with them, slapping doesn't rise to the level of removal. You have to really beat the kid, not take him to the MD, send to school or leave unsupervised. Slapping would come under the heading, "undesirable parenting practice" so don't look for the calvary to ride in and help here.

Favorite teacher, school counselor, coach,school nurse, pastor, friend's mom can be refuges for these kids and you might explore with the children who these people might be before they leave. Be sure the kids are out of the house as much as possible, sports, school clubs, church groups etc. Have family members offer to pay for this if need be.

As a S., your own plate must be full and I salute you for taking on even more responsibility and that which isn't of your making. The best of luck with them.

There are so many things to think about that I'm not sure you'll get the "right" answer as opposed to just helpful information in deciding what to do. Especially since you know these people more than we can ever know.

As far as what the kids have told you, they are reaching out to you for help whether they realize it or not. If you don't do something, perhaps things could work out, but on the other hand the kids could resent you for it later if things get worse. (Notice I said could.)

Here's some things to think about:
Is it possible for you to be able to keep them more often? Tell your sister it's for her benefit to be able to not have to worry about the kids. (I don't know if you are actually able to do this, so it's just something to think about)
Do you think the kids actually want to be taken out of their home? I say this as a very much thought of question with several consequences/outcomes. The children probably love their parents, but just don't want the negative things that are resulted at them. If they were to be taken from their home, per a court order (per se') then a court is more likely to look toward family that would be able to provide for them vs. the state. If it's possible, I would discuss this with their therapist (in private, of course).
Would you feel comfortable asking your sister how she is with the kids to see if she'd tell you things that the kids are telling you? Sometimes if you can get her to bring the discussion up, then you can share your feelings knowing she's actually hearing you. The primary focus is the kids.
There's sometimes an 800# that you can call to ask for legal advice about this sort of thing, so maybe you could look into that.

I don't think you should keep quiet about this, but it's a matter of who you want to talk to and share this with to start. I think if you share this with their therapist (if you think that could help) then perhaps the therapist could find a way to bring it up and "get it out" in a session so it can be discussed. Sometimes they can be creatively sneaky about that (in a good way). Even if the kids get removed from the home (for whatever reason) temporarily, I do feel they would look back on things and thank you for your part in trying to help them. I don't know that it would happen right away, but the fact that they are sharing with you things that are personal to them, in only a matter of a couple weeks, shows that this is something that is hurting them that they want help with. It's a part of their life, something they have to live with and, being young and naive, just don't know how to ask for help the right way. Good luck with what you decide. I hope this gave you some food for thought.