Anger Issues - Junction City,KS

My daughter is almost five. My husband (her step-dad) left for Las Vegas this past summer and my daughter started acting out also. She was even having nightmares and went back to wetting the bed. I set a little time aside to spend just with her and if she acted up when I was unable to spend time with her, I put her in time out and explained why she was there. After a few times of putting her in time out, she started straightening up and changing her attitude.

A. my two eldest children are a part of a divorce between their father and I. They were 5&6 yrs old. Not fighting in front of her or anywhere around here is a bigs step. Check with the school and see if they anything to a "Divorce Group". It is for the children of course and one of the biggest things I learned was that a divorce for children is like having to go through the grieving process for a death. As far as the no and getting angry about not dropping things and the defiance, Josh is 4 1/2 yrs 5 in feb. and he is doing it too. I think it is finding their boundries especially with them being in school and around friends. The 5&6 yr olds are now 23 and 22 and I am married to Josh's dad. my first husband was also in the military not me. Hang in there and draw on all the support at your service.

Your daughter needs to know that you understand her anger, that she's entitled to her anger-- that she CAN express it, but that there are appropriate ways and inappropriate ways to do that.
But first, she needs to know that you understand and have compassion for her feelings. Seeing everything from HER perspective and helping her to know that you really do understand will help her to feel validated which will hopefully result in her not feeling the need to rebel so much.
So let's look at this through her eyes:
You said that the husband that you're now separated from was your daughter's stepfather?? So if I read that right, this little girl already lost one father, now she's losing another. (I understand that he's still involved, but "visiting" dad isn't the same thing as living in the same home and having that security)
In 5 years, she's lost two fathers, and on top of that she's separated from you alot because of work. She has no security. That's an awful lot of chaos and instability for such a young child to handle. And what you're seeing is evidence that she's NOT handling it. And really, how can she? That's alot for even an adult to cope with, so how can anyone expect a 5 year old to cope with it? I'm sure you and your husband have your reasons for the divorce-- but no matter how legitimate those reasons may be, your daughter isn't old enough to understand or even care. All she knows or understands is that Daddy's gone and that her family and security have been torn apart and everyone ELSE is making decisions that she doesn't like. She has NO power or control of all the horrible things that are happening. And in fact, it's the people she loves and who love HER who are "doing this to her"-- and she's angry about it. She CAN'T say no to the divorce-- she's has no control over that. Mom and Dad are going to break up, no matter how she feels about it. But she CAN say no to putting her back pack away. She can refuse to get dressed, to clean up her mess, etc. She has control over that. See what I mean? So she's taking it where she can get it. It's her way to express her anger, and really, a way to get even. "You hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you". Of course, it's all subconscious for her. She doesn't have the cognitive abilities to even understand what she's doing.
She doesn't have the verbal ability yet to express all that. She doesn't know how to put all her anger and frustration into words the way an adult can. Heck-- even we adults have a hard time finding the right words sometimes. So talking about it with her and helping her to express it verbally can help to lessen her need to express it through misbehavior.
Give her things to do that ARE appropriate ways to express her anger. She could draw a picture, talk to you, scream into a pillow, etc.
The important thing is for her to understand that she has every right to be angry, and that it's okay for her to be angry. She's entitled to those feelings. She just needs to learn how to express it in healthy ways, rather than through defiance and rebellion.

A.,
Have you asked her why she is acting out? Sometimes we dont understand that at 5yrs old kids are much smarter than we lead on. When my older child was 5 we left her daddy and I had the same issue. One good thing to do is keep talking to her. It sounds like your a great mom but times are just harder for the min. A great thing I found was a book just for kids that explains the whole thing to them. Tells them that sometimes mommy and daddy get along better when they dont live together and how it isnt her fault at all. The best thing to do is let her know she can tell you anything and if her daddy will do the same that is even better. You are very lucky if you and her daddy can talk to her and get along for her.
My kids are now 11 and 7 and we have been away from their daddy for a year and a half but he has nothing to do with them.
Good luck to you and I hope things get better.
Just hang in there.

I woudl see a counselor. In my honest opinion!!! I would stop and talk to her alot more and discover her feelings. It's sometimes hard to get into those little minds, professional's do things like play and discover what is going on. Some people are totally against this.. I would talk with your doctor and see who they recomend. Just spend alot of time with her, trying reading and going to the park. I hope things get better for you!
A.

Divorce is hard on us but as children as well, it is harder for them to totally understand it as they do not understand all adult issues or know the full reason why. I would just sit down and tell her and have your ex talk to her as well, that you are not going to tolerate this behavior. Maybe start a rewards system for if she is good, try to make a date night once a week if possible for you two. Maybe the school has a counselor that would be willing to talk a little with your daughter, I did that with my children when I got divorced, they actually had a little divorce group there for kids! Hope this helps.

hello and I am sorry youand your daughter are going threw this. I am in a similar situation with my son. hes dad and I seperated a few years back he still very involed (he lives next door but thats a WHOLE other story) any way I have been having anger and disipline problems with him since then but he still listens to his dad but gives me problems and he has a rough time at school. I have been asking and asking for advice and help to no end. I finally had to do a no no and bribe him. like if you stay on green or yellow I will buy you yogio cards and it has helped at school now I am working on home. I finally got an apptment with a counsler I had to drive an hour and 20 min but it was worth it this counsler was great so far anyway I have only seen him once. (and after the quaks I have seen he sems to be pretty good) I don't no where your at but he is in maryville. I would suggest counseling for your daughter so she has someone to talk to. sometimes children don't want to talk to parents about whats bothering them because they are scared of hurting there feelings. (this is my now 14 years problem that again is a whole other story lol) yea I could right a book :) anyway I hope this helps a least a little please feel free to talk to me anytime I will be here just let me no how things go
GOOD LUCK
Kathy

Hi A.,

You also mentioned that you were full-time military and that you and your daughter are separated a lot. This must be an especially difficult time for both of you. I would recommend using the resources you have on base for counseling for her. She is going through a very tough time and probably is blaming herself for the divorce. Go to the family counseling office on base and have her see a therapist. You might also want to talk to her pediatrician about the situation and see if you can get a referral for a child therapist. It might do all of you some good to go to family counseling as well. Thank you for all that you do to serve our nation and for all that your family has endured and sacrificed during your times of service. My thoughts will be with you.

I believe that all the advice you have received on here so far is all very good advice!! The only other piece of advice to add would be to make sure that you are staying consistent with discipline. If she does something that is out of line or going against your "rules" then she needs to be disciplined. I understand that what she is going through is very hard on her but that doesn't mean that she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. If you give her guidelines on what is acceptable ways of expressing her anger and she expresses it in an unacceptable way then she should be disciplined for it. I don't know what you are doing now but I can see why and how someone would slack on the discipline in a situation like this and I believe that it is very important, as far as behavior goes, not to. And of course, give her all the love you have and then some more!! I hope everything works out for all of you very soon. Take care and God Bless!!!

Hi A.!! I think a lot of times, we forget how difficult some things are on children. And due to their immaturity in the "expressing your feelings" area, they show emotion in the ways they know how. I'm not saying that this makes her behavior okay, but just try to be patient with her!! I would make sure to set aside special time just for her to be with you. If you and your ex can get along well enough to even do something together with her once in a while. I know that's wierd, but if she sees you guys have accepted and adjusted to the situation, maybe she will follow. The only other thing I could think of is to make sure she realizes that you both still love her very much and that none of this is her fault(tell her constantly)

Hope that some of this helps. Just use the team approach!! You guys may be divorced, but you are still parents to the same beautiful girl!