An Odd to Ask Question

Would you feel comfortable talking to a doctor? It may help him to understand if you have some backup. You doc could explain how this would be painful after children. You could also confront why he laughs you off. That is a big issue, You need to be able to comunicate with him and trust he will try to help/compromise!

Of course his favorite way is up the butt - because it's tight. But it hurts like a son of a gun. And your answer is "NO More" "All Done". That is your personal space and even your beloved husband should have respect for you and your personal space. You should draw a sign on your underwear "Exit only"....lol. I'm sorry couldn't resist. I like the cucumber idea too. Lay in bed one night all made up with latex gloves and a cucumber..."It's your night honey"....lol. but seriously, he should really respect you and if you don't want it there anymore, then that's the way it is. It's your body - not his. Tough one - good luck. Stay strong.

Hi A.,

You are definately very brave for asking this question, I am sorry that you're going through this. I agree with everyone else that you should absolutely refuse if you don't want to allow it, and definately don't let him persuade you to do this if you don't want to. If he truly loves you, he will understand and leave it alone.

If he(and you) are looking for adventure, or to 'spice thigs up,' like TJ said, I'd suggest checking into the Kama Sutra(good books at Barnes and Noble) or Tantra, which is really close to the Kama Sutra. There's a website for Tantra: http://www.tantra.com/ with some free content, but alot of it is subscriber. You can look at it alone and get some ideas to share with him, or have him look at it with you. Just make sure the kidlets aren't around, of course.

Best of luck to you that the two of you are able to resolve the issue, and that you find something new and enjoyable for you both.

K. W

Not such an odd question, judging from how many responses you're getting. Thanks for being so brave. I will be, too.

My first husband loved naughty sexual adventures, and this was one of his favorites. I told him repeatedly how much it hurt, and that often I felt injured afterward, but his story was, "If you really love me, you'll make me happy." Way back in those days, women were much more strongly counseled to be compliant, and so I would give in.

I don't know why I never turned his argument around and used it on him. If he loved me, he wouldn't insist on injuring me, but would try to make the experience happy for me, too.

Starting before menopause, I discovered I had rectal issues (a rectocele - google it), and for about the last 18 years I have seldom been able to have a normal movement in spite of carefully avoiding constipation. Without getting too graphic, let me say my day usually includes at least one encounter with finger cots and vaseline. Extremely inconvenient and uncomfortable. A forceps delivery may have contributed, and so could my first husband's preferences.

You don't want to go there. Tell him no. He has no right to injure you for his own pleasure. Sex should be a joy for both of you.

I would venture to say he probably just really likes it that way and isn't willing to understand it HURTS! You just have to be down right honest with him about it and stick to your guns and say NO! Did you know you can actually damage your rectum that way? You can end up having "pottying" issues and have to see a specialist because of this. Ask him if he'd like to go to a butt doctor and have them poke around his booty. I say spice things up in other ways, make things "different" for him in other ways,but if you aren't happy about this then he needs to understand that.
W.

Hi A.,

I think it is great to ask these sorts of questions! I applaud your courage. :)I also want you to know that there is most likely a bigger issue than just this one. There is a great book called Love and Respect. You can google it. :) I would say that when everyone feels comfortable in a marriage as far as sex or any issue, things began changing in beautiful ways. There are however sometimes tough roads to get there. :)

I do agree that after children sex and even just intimacy does become altered. Men struggle to understand this a lot. There is not only an emotional factor, but a physical one as well. I would say when attempting to explain your thoughts and feelings give a word picture to elaborate. Men usually do well with that. It can be simple or harsh but they kind of usually have a lightbulb moment. LOL That, oh you know ok I understand. :)There are issues that block men such as control of pornography as well. It is good to feel it out to understand every angel of a situation. Also, men are instilled with the ability to respect. Women are instilled with the ability to love. Men have to work at one harder and so do women. It is very interesting to consider.

I can also truly empathize, as that particular issue you are mentioning is not only a challenge for you, but probably for a lot of mom's. I have had scarring after my first child and for almost 2 years have not been all that adventurous, and now that my health is improving am finally seeing change. My husband has recently been wonderful and patient. That is so very helpful! But, he worked hard to get there. Now, we go to bed with peace and wake up with joy in each other and sometimes sex and sometimes not. But, the intimacy level has grown due to learning to really love and respect each other.

On a personal note praying about this and many other issues has helped me overcome it as an obstacle. :)

Blessings,

K.S.

Lol, I think all married women have had this issue. With my husband, we tried it.. It was okay. Then the second and third time, it hurt like hell, and I told him to stop. I was very honest when I told him it hurt, but, just like your situation, he didn't take me seriously because we had already done it twice before! So, and here's the funny part... I told him if it didn't hurt ME so bad, than he should let me do it to him. Without going into complete detail, he let me do it.. And he DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.. Hahaha... Needless to say, he never pressured me into it EVER again.

I think the important part is to be honest with him, and if he can't take no for an answer, tell him you will do it, only if he let's you do it first. ;p

Oh gosh, I just might have to change my name in Mamasource to hide my identity, lol.

Wow, I would def tell him that he needs to stop and that you aren't going to allow it anymore. Just because he is your hubby doesn't give him the right to do that w/o your consent. You need to stand your ground and tell him that you don't feel comfy doing that anymore and they you aren't going to do that anymore whether he likes it or not. If that ruins your marriage, well then you know it wasn't worth it to begin with. You just tell yourself that the BEST thing you got out of your marriage is beautiful kids and you don't need anything else but them.

I agree with,"stick something up his butt" like a big ol' cucumber. It's fair game. See how his pain level is. Also, ask him if he is ready to change you diapers when you are old because your spincter is stretched out. (Sorry, he really should not be forcing you)

Make it fair... He gets something up that part too.... Maybe then he will understand.

I agree with these ladies! Your body is your own! If you don't like to do things that way, tell him, again, and again, and again, until he gets the message! His response of, "If you love me... you'd allow this" should be followed by, "If You love Me... Why do you want to hurt me?"! If he doesn't want to be reasonable about it, you may want to seek counseling. For yourself, as well as for him. If he won't go, then, go by yourself. If he REALLY loves you, and respects you, and you truly make your feelings heard, then he should listen to reason, and understand!

Hi A.,

When I first read your response, honestly I thought what an arsehole your husband was being (literally :) though it's not funny for you at all)
I was curious and read everyone's responses to hear what they said. I thought the cucumber idea was also a great idea, but then this is what came to me - I have no idea if my theory is right at all, but I see that you have had 3 children very close together. For the past 4 years you have been a baby making machine. Was he present at all 3 births? Whether he was or not, but especially if he has graphic memories of babies exiting you, your vagina and his association with it has probably changed dramatically. Especially since you probably didn't have much time to resume normal intimacy and intercourse before getting pregant again. He may feel any of the following
* that vaginas are less sexy now that he has seen the extreme things they do. He used to know everything about them, but not this!!
* that your vagina is no longer yours and his special place
* vaginal intercourse can be difficult, painful or prohibited during certain stages of pregnancy or postpartum but the anus is unrelated to this and carries none of the sensitive complications that have to be checked in about. So if he wants you, (and feel lucky that he does in some way because some men can grow distant instead,) he just finds another way in.
That does not mean I think what is doing is fine - not at all!
It may require counselling for him to address the unconcious feelings he now has about your vagina. You addressing this with him may help, but processing it with someone skilled and emotionally unattached would probably be more effective. I would consider this as the root of the problem before worrying about gay tendancies as others suggested. If you hadn't had 3 children back to back, I might have thought this too. But in the light of your situation, I really think that 3 childbirths back to back could be the precipitating factor.
Talk to him about this and then send him to someone who can help him resolve it.
Good luck
GC

Tell him to NOT even knock at the back door. Usually men like the vagina ... why the heck would he want to go where all that poop comes from? He might be in the closet and this is his way of experimenting with what it would be like going up another mans butt. I don't know. I had that happen to a friend of mine. She had the most macho man for a husband. He would make fun of gay guys and come to find out he was in the closet until he got busted.

I hate to put that thought in your mind .. but you have to consider it.

You never know .. watch for other signs.

Good luck girl!