Seeking Straight Talk

First, he's just not that into you! Neither of them. One uses you for a companion and the other for sex, albeit you let them. As for the cardiologist side of things, any doc that would prescribe viagra to someone with the severity of a heart condition you mention (if all of what you are being told is true) is completely off his rocker! I agree with another poster - ditch them both and move on.

I think he's gay. Happened to my friend. Everything exactly like you say- He's perfect, but just isn't interested in sex. Consider it.

Ok I just want you to think about this real quick. I came to Maryland in june of 2001, I am from Rhode Island. Everyone always asks me why I came to maryland. It's hard to say because the truth is My husband died at 24 of a heart attack. I was 23. I am 30 now. I just woke up one morning to find my husband shaking uncontrolabley. I called 911 but it was to late. If you ever here people say that " I felt them go through me" well I know first hand that feeling. I felt his soul run right through mine as I held him till the ambulance got there. MY 2 kids were right outside the door. I have remarried and have a good life so far with so much more ahead of me, but I miss him. I still cry after all these years, Even though I love my husband now, I will never forget him. That was my chlidrens father and he was just gone one morning. I am alot younger and I do have kids by this person. But I still feel the hurt and pain and sometimes guilt, As far as What could I have done in our realationship to make it more wothwhile in his life, Since I was blessed that he spent the rest of his life with me.

I don't judge, I have made far to many mistakes in my life, and am sure i still will. But the point of my story is think about it, Don't be that person who wishes they could fix or change this after it's to late.

Because we are both in our 50's, let me be harsh with you. You are worth more than being a nursemaid/housekeeper to a man who will risk his life playing a game with his friends but will not risk it to give you a moment of loving intimacy. Toss him out, girl, he does not love and adore you. You are taking advantage of a man who says he loves you for sex. That's not fair, and you are hurting him by using him if that's true. You are worth more than this, aren't you? And if they both know about each other and are okay with it, then neither of them love you. You can do better.

Real quick, since I haven't seen it mentioned in any of the other postings (many with good advice) so I'll be blunt here.

I have to toss the possibility that he is gay out there for you to consider. Since he's older than you, he may have been closeted for a very long time. Now, you don't mention his history, so I may be way off if he's a widower with 6 kids, but any man who is willing to literally risk his life to play basketball with the guys, but is too afraid of the exertion involved for sex...well, that doesn't sound like any straight guy *I* have ever met (it would usually be the exact opposite!) If he is gay, then the whole nitro pills, etc is a playact for your benefit (and those could be fake.)

The other thing I feel like I should mention is that intercourse is not the only way for you to get pleasure. You should see if he's willing to 'go beyond' that, and if he actually does *love* you (and not just as a friend/companion) and *isn't* gay, he will want to pleasure you so that you don't feel the need to seek that with another man. If he's not willing, that says a lot - you draw your own conclusions and decide whether you want to be with someone who would rather you get that from another man than from him.

Boils down to: if you're not happy, truly happy in this as a 'relationship' and he's not willing to do anything to change that, then it is time to move on. Keep him as a friend, by all means, but please recognize that *that* is all he is and is willing to be to you and move on out/up/onward!

There seem to be many confusing facts in your post, including how you really feel about both of these men and what you desire more in a relationship........however.......Viagra was prescribed for a person with the purported heart-health problems you have mentioned and he even takes nitro?????
First things first: get a new cardiologist immediately, then propose a session with a psychologist for both of you to more fully examine what else is really going on.

First off, I feel for you. You are in a tough situation. We don't want to think it's all about those three little words s-e-x, but at the end of the day, it's part of what we need and desire. Don't feel guilty for that.

Personally, I think you need to make a decision on the two men in your life. You are not being true to them or yourself and it's not going to get any easier or better. Make a choice and stick to it.

If you choose the man you are in love with, maybe you can seek out a sex therapist (or therapist in general). Someone who can help you work through it. He's got to understand that you have needs too and you have been supportive, but there must be some half way point you can meet.

What about other stimulation, would he be willing to satisfy you in other ways? Hey, this is how I look at it, ok fine you have some "problems" in that area, but do something to help me with my own needs. We all make compromises, or at least we should...

I think it's obvious you can't live w/out the sex, or you wouldn't be cheating. I don't want that to sound too harsh, either. I think it's normal and healthy. Women are looked at harsher when it comes to stuff like this and it's not ok or fair. I certainly hope you don't get too much negative feedback from the other mommies either.

Whatever you choose to do, give it some thought and do what is right for YOU. Best of luck.

therapy. you need to talk and get support and work and vent and figure it out. i don't know of another venue. find a good therapist and stop beating yourself up and mucking through all this and start doing the real work.

Wow. I can certainly understand your problem, and it is a hard one. One thing to keep in mind is that you are not married to your live in. So the "in sickness and health" doesn't really apply to you. I understand how hurtful it can be to caught in the middle of something like this, but you have to put you first sometimes. We can't all live our entire lives trying to make everyone else happy, while we are miserable. Your happiness and health is just important as anyone else's. I am not saying that the affair is the right thing to do (how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot), but in the "flesh" anything is possible. Maybe you should really sit him down (the boyfriend) and tell him how much it means to you, to be intimate with him and he with you. That is a major component of a relationship and he certainly should not expect you to never be intimate again, because he is afraid to "try". Bringing happiness to your relationship is just as much his responsibility as it is yours. As for the guy at work, if you really don't love him, and your man at home starts doing right by you, what then happens to the guy at work? You must always take other peoples feelings into consideration, well past what makes you feel good, or you'll have him feeling the same misery as you are feeling now. Pretty much, you need to make a choice of where you really want to be, where your heart is really at, because as you can see, playing both sides of the coin is only making you more miserable and confused. Good luck to you!!

Dear S.,

You asked for "straight talk" so here it is. I am 57 years old, married and divorced twice. It sounds to me like your "perfect" live-in guy is gay. If he can play basketball with his buddies, he can have sex--if he chooses. A heart attack does not preclude sex forever after. And NO GUY who loves you is going to "OK" with you having sex with another man. You are in a roommate situation, not a romantic relationship. It's obvious that he has feelings for you as well, but not those. I would ask him outright if he is gay. You deserve to have all the facts so that you can make an informed decision on what is best for you. If indeed he tells you that there will never be any sex in your relationship--for whatever reason, then you need to decide if you can live with that FOREVER or if you should except the marriage proposal of the other guy. You say they both know about the other so in what way are you afraid of hurting either of them? Plus, keep in mind, that if he continues to play basketball, he could drop dead from that exertion at any time. Look to your future and decide what the best option is in the long run. And just so you know, there is no such thing as a perfect man. You must decide what is most important to you and what you can and cannot live with. Abuela

S.,

you identified an issue and it is obvious that you are unhappy about your first man's issue when it comes to being sexual. i am not an expert, but i believe that if you find a fault and it makes you unhappy and you've expressed your feelings about it to him and yet he still doesnt want to understand what your feeling, then he obviously doesnt respect you as a woman. i believe that if a man truly loves you, he would understand you and LISTEN to you when you express your feelings to him. he obviously has other interests at heart and it obviously isnt to satisfy your needs or see your point of view... his needs are being met (i.e. basketball). if the other man is gentler and more romantic and obviously treats you like the woman you are, then this other man deserves you and your devotion. he is apparently devoted to you since your needs and feelings are important to him. he is aware of what you want in yourlife... and that to me speaks a thousand words.

Okay, as far as the heart issue for guy #1, try increasing potassium- available in bananas, melon, potatoes, or through a nutritional supplement such as potassium citrate, available from a company called NutriSpec, although it may be a challenge to find a distributor, it does indeed help- my husband had similar heart related issues, although he is much younger and has not had bypass. It does help.

As far as your relationships are concerned, with guy # 1- I understand it is challenging not to have intimacy for that long, however, if you are indeed interested in making this relationship work, perhaps some counceling would be in order. And seriously do the potassium thing- believe me- if he is feeling better he may be more willing to have an intimate relationship. If that's what you want.

However you have been unfaithful to him, so is this what you want? You really need to check yourself and see what it is that you want. Do you really love him, or are you just comfortable with him? Do you want to spend your life with him, and if so are you really willing to do so without the sex, if he is never willing or able to provide that for you? It seems to me that if he's not going to step up to the plate in that area, you're better off moving on- not because there is anything necessarily wrong with being abstinate (and I personally believe that you should be unless you are married) but because you have already gone to another man to seek that fulfillment. Even if you broke it off with the other man tomorrow, how long do you think it would be before you found someone else to meet that need? A week? A month? A year? Is that really fair to your live-in to ask him to share you with other men? Is it fair to guy #2 to ask him to stay on the back burner until some undisclosed time in the future when you may or may not choose to be with him? No man worth his salt is going to be okay with that for any length of time. You need to make a decision. If you are willing to work it out with guy number 1 try the potassium thing. It does really help. Also seek counseling to work through these issues. Since he already knows about guy # 2, he may be willing to seek counseling for the sake of your relationship, if he feels that it is worth saving. If he does not, move on. Break it off, and maybe see about working on your relationship with guy #2. Or spend some time on your own figuring out what you really want.
Hope this helps.

stop lying.
if you want to have an affair or need to or whatever your rationalization is, do it. openly and honestly.
or move on.
stop lying.
now.
khairete
S.

Well it seems like you are at a crossroads sweety.You have been with a lovely man whome you adore and adores you and even with all of that you are not completly happy and your body obviously needs more. you need to make up your mind on what is more important to you in the long run.can you realy be selibate for the rest of your life? it is time to ask yourself some tough questions. think to yourself,if i stay with this man will i become a habitual cheater just to get my physical needs met.Think of the torment this one love affair has given to you,you feel such guilt and hate yourself for possiblt hurting two realy great guys.I dont even know you but i can tell that you have lost some respect for your self by cheating.dont do this to yourself.you deserve to have everything that you need.and you deserv to be happy in the process. my sister was in a mariege for 15 years with a much older man who was basically non-sexual,i mean they would be intamite maybe once every two years. it took 12 years before she fienally broke down and had an affaire and she ended up hating herself for it.they are now devorced and she is in a relationship again and cannot understand how she lasted that long. i wish you all the luck in the world. love abby

Wow S.!! No one has try to get you to open up huh??!! :) Your situation is a difficult one. I think I can relate a little tiny bit because the first 11 years of my marriage my husband couldn't get fully erect.. we made the best of it.. but it wasn't mind blowing like previous ses with ex boyfriends. One day I sat and asked myself, can I live my whole life without good sex? my answer to myself was yes. At the same time, we were busy raising three children all that time.. so-- I was always tired anyway. Luckily, since my husband has opened up and stopped some addictive behavior and started talking about how he feels... for the last year, the sex has improved and he really turns me on which I never thought would happen. Okay, so, back to you.. Unfortunately you cannot combine these two men which would be so ideal, but I think it's a little questionable, as you stated, that he'll risk his life to play ball with the fellas-- but not to have sex! of all the things to risk your life for-- I'd think sex would be one of them!! Could there be another reason for him not wanting to have sex? It seems like he is an awesome friend to you; best friend... I married my best friend as well. I feel bad, because as I am writing I don't know what I would do.. Both those relationships have aspects to them that you NEED! Sex is NECESSARY-- Great relationships are a blessing!! Everybody doesn't get such a wonderful relationship as you and the guy with the heart problem. You said they know of eachother. Is he cool with you having sex with another man????? I don't know a man alive that would be okay with that... there are other ways that he can satisfy you.. but I guess the problem is that he gets excited too-- and he feels like he'll have heart problems because of that. Girl, good luck!! I don't know... but don't give either of them up until you're really sure. :( Wish I could have offered better advice but I'll be checking on you.

L.

S.,
I give you tons of credit for coming to us with this problem and being so straight forward. I have in the past cheated on my ex-finance with my now current husband. Okay here is my advice you really need to stop being with the guy from work, because all that is doing is filling the void you are having with your boyfriend, so you will not beable to seperate your feelings and really figure out what you really want or need. If it is meant in the end for you to be with the guy from work then he will respect you and step back until you figure out your next step. Then I would sit down with your boyfriend and ask him two questions. Tell him to be completely honest, because your future and feelings are at stake in all this and if he cares for you at all that will matter to him. Ask him if he sees you as just a good friend, or if he does love you and this is some mental thing with sex and maybe thinking he will die then will he go to counseling alone or with you as a couple. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, so if he says he loves you, but he just can't have sex or wont get counsling. Then you need to decide what is important you for the rest of your life. Either way stop worring about their feelings and only worry about yours, because you have this one life, so do what is right for you. I wish you the best of luck, but first and formost don't lose who you are in this and don't let anyone make you become someone you are not.

Those guys are causing you more stress than you deserve. Let them go and work on your self. Take care of yourself... in other words - find that thing you need to make you feel safe and secure. Right now, it's all an illusion.

~Liz

first off, if you are not happy with the act of having an affair then stop it now. the affair will only try and crush you later on down the road.

no one has the right to dump on you or pass judgment.

now to the problme of 0 intercorse.

ask live in man what he is scared of?? obviously he is not too scared of dieing as he plays bbal
tell him that the chemicals that get released while have sex are actually benifical to your health (other wise they wouldnt be there)

have you asked your self if you are seaking out side the relationship - is he???
you take good care of him. what else does he get??

i take good care of my friends when they are sick too, but with my husband he gets more even when he is not sick.

if he is just afarid then ask him to gratifie you in other ways you know the forplay thing!!!!!!!

sometimes that can just get a man so riled up that they just keep on going cos they are excited now.

other wise tell him that you have an itch that needs scratching and while you are sympathetic you are not stupid
and if he wont itch it then you will be back in a few hours.

then maybe that might show him how serious you are.

It sounds like you need to give your friend that you're in love with some conditions for your relationship. If having sex is important to you, it would be a disservice to not let him know how important it is, and that without it there can be no relationship with him.

Since you say that you care about the other gentleman, and intimacy has been good with him, you can certainly grow to love him. Don't mean to be blunt, but life is way too short to go through, without having/doing some things that you enjoy!!! Good luck!

Okay not holding anything back...well we know its in his head...if he can play basketball he can have sex...you said you tried once and he said it hurt,have you tried different postions..maybe just oral...men are babies we know that...he is scared after his heart attack..okay understandable..But did he get an erection when you tried..if so then try the postion thing...if not then we know it is either mental or physical condition....I am sure after a heart attack his doctor gave him a thorough once over ....which goes back to mental/emotional....could he be getting sex elsewhere like u r (not judging) If he makes you happy every other way and you try everything then do what works for your relationship...I am going on my 3rd divorce will be 42 next month ...scared to death that I will not find another man , I am not the young thing I used to be...1st two hubbies were my fault young and stupid but this last one totally him...if what your experiencing is all I had to worry about I would find away...can he satisfy just you and feel comfortable its worth a try...hell my sister was engaged to a guy who could only have sex in the bedroom...that would have never worked for me...anyway I hope you find a solution...and if mr romance gives you what u need in the interem dont feel too bad...just try putting him on the back burner until you have exhausted all measures with you mr love..everyone needs to be loved ...good luck S.

it sound to me that you care about both men, however, you are making a mistake by stepping out of your present relationship to get a quick fix. Honey it does not work that way. You need to work on you prenent relationship by letting your mat know how you feel and how important sex means to you and if it cannot be worked out then you end your relationship and then move on. But for now, you need to leave that other man alone, you are confusing your heart and it will not be healthy for either of the 3. Think long and hard about what you want and then make your decision. Good luck.

S., my question to you is what do you want and what kind of relationship/s will make you happy?
If you really are enjoying your relationship with your live in guy, then continue to enjoy him in as many ways as is possible. If he is reluctant to have intercourse due to his illness, accept that and find other ways to enjoy each other sexually. Tantra Love Making is a great place to start.

If the older guy pleases you sexually, Great! Enjoy him too.

My point is you are 50 years old. Life is about fun, joy, happiness, freedom to express and freedom to enjoy. Don't make life complicated by trying to fit into a neat, traditional outdated package. #1, it will not work and #2, you will not be any closer to perfection in your relationships.

Once you relax and enjoy yourself with the people in your life, more happiness will come. Perhaps someone else will come into your life with everything you are looking for within the current 2 relationships. Or, one of the current two guys will shape into a more fulfilling relationship according to your desires. Remember,...You are in control of your life and these relationships. Lots of good things can happen when you enjoy where you are and who you are enjoying in the present moment. Lots of stress can happen when you are trying to make a current situation something that it is not.

You have a good friend whom you enjoy being with and you have a lover who pleases you physically. What's wrong with just enjoying them both? What do you have to loose except frustration that you are creating? When or if the present situation is no longer fullfilling your needs, change them and create another one. Enjoy Life! Your guys are there for your pleasure. Otherwise they would vanish. Obviously you are very attractive to the male species because you already have 2 guys in your life who enjoy you for you. Accept your gifts.
P.

Wow! So many incredibly open women here who understand that a healthy sexual relationship is such an integral part of intimacy and essential for women too!

How can I get each one of you to host one of my Slumber Parties for your friends?!!!

S.,

Gay or not gay, psychological or physical (although I'm definitely going with the pyschological), whatever is the root cause of his inability to perform for you, communication between you two is priority. He must be suffering from a great deal of anxiety and low self-esteem that could've been caused or exacerbated by his heart attack. You've expressed your love for him. If he loves you as much, he'll agree to take the steps necessary to regain intimacy. For some men, agreeing to take Viagra is like admitting that their impotent. Not the best ego-booster.

Keep us posted.

M.
www.SlumberPartiesbyMariaElena.com

WOW! I would just be honest with your live in. Tell him that you have needs and that you love him, but if he can not meet your needs, he has to understand you going elsewhere. I would not be surprised if he already knows. If he is your bestfriend and you are happy with being room mates, then may be the structure of your relationship has just changed. Do some soul searching and figure out what you want before it blows up in your face. And trust me, it always does! Good Luck, life is too short to live with regrets!

I agree with the other ladies. You are doing yourself a disservice. You need one man who fills your needs, nothing is perfect and you have to live to be happy. Only you can do that for yourself. Dig deep within and decide what is right for you. Listen to your gut. It should send you in the right direction.

First, I am going to guess that you unltimately are desiring to be with the live in boyfriend...but are wishing he would add the intimacy into your relationship. If that is so, you really need to end it with the affair man. You need to focus on the relationship. There is obviously something that is lacking, or "wrong" with the relationship the way that it is, and you are never going to be able to help it if you are sleeping with someone else. Talk to your live in, let him know your needs, what you desire... discuss it all from the doc to what has been going on with you, to basketball, and firgure out what is at the bottom of his refusal to have sex. If he is still not willing to work on these things with you... and help to arrive at a resolution to save your relationship, than it is probably best for you to move on (considering it is clear that left this way is not working for you). You really need to get the affiar man out of the picture, or nothing can absolutely be fixed or resolved with your live in. You just need to make a few choices, then give him the opportunity to try and work on the relationship with you, and see where it goes.

Sounds to me like you're wasting your time with BOTH of the men. You're not getting all of what you need from either of them and I can guarantee they're getting a whole lot less. Cut your losses and get out of BOTH relationships and find someone else who fills you up, not leaves you wishing there were more. That's it, just end it with both of them.

you need to talk to your partner and tell him exactly how you feel; plain and simple. i understand you love him and want to be with him, but you have needs that need to be met as well. you've already stepped out there and had an affair. he may be a bit apprehensive, considering he had the heart attack, but playing basketball is just as strenous, but he does that every Sunday. does he experience the same type of pain in his chest when he plays ball as he does when attempting sex? if his doctor has already said that he CAN NOT play basketball, but it's ok to have sex, what is the problem? maybe seeing a counselor would help. just a thought, but maybe you 2 should consider that. i hope everything works out.