Am I Wrong for Doing This?

You are not responsible for whether or not he sees his daughter. he's used you enough I wouln't let him use you anymore.

You are definitely not wrong. Your first obligation is to your son and yourself (you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of him!). Your ex is a grown man with a parental obligation to his daughter. It is HIS obligation, no one else's. It is not your responsibility to figure out how he is supposed to do that given his circumstances.

I also agree that it is not good for you to continue to spend so much time at his home. If you are arguing all the time, it cannot be a good environment for the kids. And it is stressful enough being a working single mom without having added stressors when you get off of work every day. Your son can feel your tension even if you think you are hiding it from him. The thing is, your ex knows that you need his help in order to go to work...it sounds like he is manipulating you with regard to that. "I'm watching him for you, so you should drive back and forth, let me use your car when you are here....and be grateful while you do it." I would find someone more reliable, self-sufficient and drama-free to care for your son while you are at work. I know how hard it can be to find reliable child care, but since it is at night, hopefully you can negotiate something relatively cheap - especially if you offer cash. I have a friend whose mom does this a few nights a week & it has worked out wonderfully.

They always threaten that it will get ugly and use that fear to get you to do what they want (can you tell I've been down this road before? lol) But believe me, you are always better off making decisions for your family without someone holding something over your head. The courts do not care if he doesn't have a car, he'll have to find a way to see and take care of his kids anyway. While paying child support. You have to find a way every day right? That's what always put everything in perspective for me....I had to find a way to get childcare, get to work, buy diapers and keep our lives on track, regardless of what else is going on. He is a parent too. He is expected to do the same.

Sorry if I sounded like I was preaching! I just read your post and it made me remember exactly how confused and stressed I was when it happened to me. It seemed like an insurmountable task to completely cut him out, but I already had kids to take care of...I refused to add an able-bodied man to list of dependents, lol.

Best of luck - I will be thinking of you.

H.
i know that you are so young and that you want to help out your ex.
But the truth is his personality is manipulating.
why should you do all that for him?
I did that for my ex and i tell ya the more you do the more they "EXPECT" it and they know that you have a good heart and will use you.. trust me i am 39 years old and my ex still trys to do that.
you should try to get someone you trust to take care of your Child at night and it will save you time and gas if you do.
also. let your ex figure out his own ride to get his daughter.
i am so positive if you were not around he would find a way
my ex lost his license and did that for a long time with many regrets and i ended up resenting it and also taking care of my stepson too. so just some friendly advice

let him figure his own way.
find your support team for your child for nights. and if your not staying together then why let him walk all over you ??
TRUST ME it doesnt end. they will keep doing it as long as you let them !!
Good luck !
N.

No you're not wrong! He's a drain on you and putting stress on your shoulders. Stop enabling him and making life easy for him otherwise how is he going to grow up?

H.,

You have no obligation to this man at all. You're not a doormat, if the relationship is not mutually beneficial then run for the hills, you're being used.

You are a young woman. If you can truly tell yourself that this relationship is irreparable then you would be best to cut personal ties and maintain a distance. It is possible to keep it civil and encourage him to grow up and remain involved in his children's lives, but if people continue to enable this young man, he will continue to use people and never take responsibility for his own life.

Unless you enjoy being a martyr I would suggest you focus on changing the things you actually have control over. (your own life)
Best wishes.

J. L.

Unless the father of your child is paying you child support and has court-mandated child visitation, HE is the one who should be thanking YOU.
Your first obligation is to your son. Period. Not to anyone else. You need to make 100% sure your son is in a safe, nurturing environment when he is not with you. Also, being tired is not an excuse to stay in another home and sleep, no matter what. You need to break down and find nighttime childcare and spend the money (I'm sure your co-nurses or hospital would have connections) and get out of that situation. Free childcare is not a reason to put your child at risk.
Lastly, a father's role is important for a child, but it is up to you to decide what kind of role that will be. Perhaps an afternoon visit with his step-sister and dad is an okay arrangement, but not at the mercy of you and your car, etc. It is time for daddy to grow up and it is time for you to stop allowing him to make excuses. Be the best mom you can be to your son and make some changes before it is too late.

I'll keep you in my prayers, D.

If you continue to enable him and help him out he will never figure out how to fix things himself. He needs to grow up on his own and create an suitable environment for himself and his family. You are not responsible for him. It may be easier to help him out now, but you are not doing anyone any favors in the long run. Think long term ... If he wants to be involved in his kids lives he must make the decision to get a car, license, etc. (i.e. grow up).

H.,
I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation, but it can work. If it's your car, you're entitled to make the rules. After all, you bought it, pay for gas, insurance, upkeep, and all that---and probably did that long before he had his license. You do not have to allow him to borrow your car; it's actually a privilege that you do. He should always ask to use it, not just take it. Keep the keys (and the control) with you, not in your handbag where he'll just take them without asking.

Think of the ways you are reaching out to give him the opportunity to see your son. I realize you count on him for babysitting, so you make the effort to drive all that way to his house. At some point, he needs to take responsibility for maintaining that father/son relationship, even if that means he buys a car, uses public transportation, or moves closer to be with his kids.

Even though you are close to his daughter, you are under no obligation to provide transportation or to schedule your life around giving them father/daughter time. As an adult and as a father, he needs to take responsibility for himself and his actions. He needs to find ways to handle his child care responsibilities. (You didn't mention the daughter's mother bending over backwards to help him meet his obligations!)

Don't let him play the blame game. Don't be an ennabler. The hard part is that you have to set the rules about your car and your time. You may need to stop napping at his place, even though that's so convenient, because if you want to stay out of a relationship with him, it's best not to be found in his bed or couch. You need a clean break.

The important thing is that together, you need to decide what's best for your son. You also need to decide what's best for you alone. Good luck.

You are not wrong, he needs to grow up.

seems like you are an enabler, and that's not healthy for either of you. take some time to think long and hard at what's best for you and your son, and do just that. your ex needs to figure out things for himself and you need to step back and allow him to do that. otherwise he's going to continue to take advantage and no one will benefit. good luck.

I'm sorry it's such a hard time for you. I went through similar struggles when I separated from my ex-husband, I was the working parent and needed care for our child while I was working. This lasted a short while (a couple months) before it drove me crazy and I switched jobs and got official child care (which was subsidized given my new status as a full-time working single mom). As someone else suggested, I think you need to look at the whole picture and what can be rearranged to make you less dependent on him so that his relationship with his son is more a result of his initiative and not a default of your work schedule. This can help establish clear boundaries and give you the sense of independence that it sounds like you need.

Be strong, patient and proactive. You are in the toughest time, but if you are proactive about the situation, you can figure out something that will better serve you all (and hopefully either make him step up into the self-initiated active role with his son or show him to be inactive as you described).

Good luck!
~Liza

You have some great advise from many wise women here. The only point I would like to add is...What type of environment do you want your son to grow up in?
Kids sense everything and if there is anger, hostility, resentment, they will pick up on that and it will have a huge inpact on them.
Change is tough for many, easier for others. Think of other options that are available or can be made available to you and pick the best one that will allow your son to be in a calm, loving and nuturing home.
Good Luck. You have many people praying for you. You CAN make it happen!

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it appears to me that you are (or were) being a doormat for him. It is no wonder that you are angry and resentful too. Working, commuting, and being a mother to your son is stressful enough. My advice is to cut yourself some slack, back off of this guy. Yes, he's the father of your child, but he sounds like a child himself and you are helping him to continue to be one. It's his problem, not yours, so I would advise standing your ground. If he wants to be a father and have any kind of relationship with you, demand that he act like an adult and take responsibility. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty or responsible for his problems and immaturity. Keep in mind that if this is the kind of relationship you have with men, your son may grow up the same as his father. You need to set an example for your son and also to have male role models around him that show him how to grow into a mature adult, not stay a baby all his life and depend on the women in his life to take care of him.

Hi H.,
You're not wrong for what you're doing. Everyone has to be responsible for what happens in his/her life. You are. Now you've separated yourself from him and that's the way it goes for him!

I agree with the person who said that a formal visitation schedule should be made through a legal channel. Clear and formal, no doubts, no one can claim ignorance. If you think so, also put in place a child support payment schedule. If he's as irresponsible as it seems, he might not make the payments. But at least the schedule is in place and you can enforce it if you feel the need to.

If you can, try to change your work schedule so that you work in the day. It might put a strain on your finances to have to pay for childcare but it will be best if you do not depend on your ex, and he does not depend on you (he has no right to anyway). You will save all that commuting time, not be at his house napping (which not only is becoming untennable, but as your son gets older will confuse him), and also avoid the situation of his borrowing your car because it will parked be at your place of work.

Make sure he doesn't have keys to your car or your home.

Best of luck to you. You'll do OK!

H.,
You have gotten lots of great advice so far. I just wanted to echo that it would be best to find someone to stay with your baby at night, while you are working. Finding childcare is hard, but do you have any friends nearby? Maybe set up a temporary arrangement with someone you know while sorting out longer term childcare. Maybe someone's mom or grandmother might be willing to spend the night at your place a few nights a week. Not sure what will work for you, but do consider and explore as many scenarios as possible so you can have your life, and your baby can have some regularity too. Your son should be getting into a routine now where he can go to bed at night and wake up in his own home. Your ex's life is not your problem. He has visitation rights and that's it. If you can get that legally worked out, he will have to figure out how to make it happen if he wants to see his son.

It may take a while but your son is so young still. If some visitation time gets lost because your ex refuses to get transportation for himself, that is NOT your responsibility. The 2 kids will have a long time to be siblings together. They will survive the transition if they have to miss each other for a few months. His daughter isn't your responsibilty at all. Where is her real mother in all this?

I wish you the best of luck. Be strong! You are a responsible, hardworking and smart young lady with a long life ahead of you. Don't let this loser drag you down any longer. ( oh, if you want to be nice to him, tell him to start using birth control- hand him a box of condoms!! lol)

H.--
Your number one concern in life is the well being of your son. Always keep that in mind when making decisions for YOUR life..."how does this affect him?" Sounds like a pretty hostile environment to be involving and innocent, 8 month old baby. You know what the right answer is. As hard as it may be, always do what is in the best interest of your son. Best wishes always.

I recently left my husband for the same sort of growing up issues and some others. You are letting him continue to not grow up. You are still fixing things for him so he doesnt have to use his brain to figure it out. Stop helping him so much. You are a good mom but he isnt your son to care for.

It sounds like the situation is going to blow up in your face in one way or another, at one time or another. (IMO) It would be best if you could figure out an exact schedule for visitation for your son -whether by mediation or the courts-and do your best to untwine yourselves from each other's lives. I know that probably seems hard but unless you want to deal with this indefintely, the earlier you start the better off your son will be. and you. You don't need the constant stress and negativity that he brings to your life. It probably has more of an effect on you than you realize. Life can be a lot better, but you have to set boundaries. That may mean your life gets a little more difficult in a way because you won't be able to sleep at his house and whatnot. But think about it, is it really worth it? What little girl grows up thinking "I want to be a living doormat when I grow up!" That's basically what he's making you. He's not going to one day decide that you shouldn't do everything for him. Why would he?
Let me guess, he had a tough childhood and every bad choice he made isn't really his fault or responsibility and everytime something goes wrong he's getting the sh*t end of the stick and why can't something go his way just once? You have probably been the one good thing in his life and now that he's managed to completely mess it up it has to be your fault-not his. Are you going to take responsibility for his lack of motivation or ability to keep his license and whatever else he throws your way?

So, your story may have hit a nerve. Sounds like what I went through 6 years ago after having my son. I hate when I hear other girls dealing with the same stuff I did because I know how pointless it is.
Alright, well, I'm getting off my soapbox now.;)

It really sounds as though he needs to get it together.I know how you feel about wanting to see his daughter(i have a stepdughter)but he really needs to get his own car.He sounds like he wants to be with his kids and that's great but he needs to figure out the car thing on his own.Doesn't he have family or friends that can help? You shouldn't feel you have to do it .He's a grown up. Just do what's best for your son.

how are things going to get ugly? Sounds to me like he doesn't have enough resources to tie his shoes let alone make your life more difficult than it already is.

Stand your ground, toots. It's time for him to belly up and start acting like a man instead of your 2nd child.

If you don't give in, he'll have no choice but to start figuring things out on his own. It's not your job in life to take care of him.

Stay strong!!

I wish you the best.

No. He is an adult (adult enough to twice over be a dad) and he needs to figure out his own life, transportation, etc.

I just moved states and away from a similar situation. You are a parent to your child, and that is all. You do not need to enable/parent an adult- he already had his chance to be a child, and its over. I have seen someone in my own life be enabled, bailed out, given money, bailed out again, etc. It creates patterns that are not conducive to parenting. So for his sake, and for your sons sake, and for his other childs sake, tell him to figure it out and grow up! (sorry so harsh)I'm sorry you are going through this.

Not at all. I went through and still am to a point, a very similar situation with my ex-husband, and all you are doing is making yourself miserable and enabling his dependency on others. If you are done with the relationship, you need to severe those ties and not "help" him everytime he needs it and make him become more independent.
It sounds cruel and mean, but if you don't you will drive yourself crazy.

Good Luck and be strong!
G.

you need to cut the cord! You are not doing the wrong thing. He needs to grow up and take care of HIS responsibilities with HIS daughter. He and his daughter's biological mother need to work this out. this has nothing to do with you. The more you keep enabling him, the more he will manipulate. I know how terribly difficult it is hearing these things but remind yourself, this is HIS responsibility. Sounds like he needs to get a job and a car for himself! Good luck and stay strong because the more you keep doing, the more he will ask of you. You will end up running yourself into the ground!! Take care of your needs to you can take care of your baby!

oh, sweetie, you are not responsible for this man/boy. At all. It is not your job to do anything for him. One of my single mother friends refuses to even drive her daughter to her father's house even if it means her daughter won't get to see her dad. That's a bit too far, but you need to just keep calmly reminding him that he is not your responsibility. When I get told about all my baby-daddy's money problems and how he can't buy a ticket for the father-daughter dance, I just stop him in the middle and tell him it's not my job to manage his finances and if he does not take his daughter to that dance, she will be humiliated as the only one who didn't get to go, and that will cause a grudge that I will be very unlikely to let go of. Men are always wanting someone to take care of them. I think you've been great to help when you can, but he needs to understand that you can't keep helping him if it's such a hindrance to you. What has he done lately? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope it gets better.

No I don't think you are wrong. He is obviously old enough to father kids so he should be old enough to take responsiblity and get his own transportation to get his daughter. There are city buses,cabs,volunteer services that he can use to do this. He is being childish and selfish expecting you to accommidate him by coming at his beck and call. I don't know if there are any legal things you could do to deter him or if you just have to put up with his "manipulative antics" and stick by your saying no. It is too bad that he is not "growing up" and manning up to the situation. Good Luck!

I agree with Kathleen K. It's his responsibility to handle his obligations. If he wants to see his kids, he will, regardless where they are. And unless you're common-law spouses, I doubt a judge would look highly on a man not working with 2 kids to help support even if he helps babysit one of them. Unless he's just turned 18 and graduated high school or a vet wounded in war, I don't see why he isn't working FT, possibly 2 jobs whatever they may be to support his kids.
On the other hand, he is the father of your kid and a step-daughter (if you are close and will continue being a mother-figure to her), pick your battles. Don't be manipulated, but don't escalate things. You are stuck with him for better or for worse even though you're not married, due to having a child together. Try to be the bigger person despite his imperfections and shortcomings for your child's sake. It's not your job to take care of a grown man, but make sure you're not adding fuel to the fire. You get more bees with honey than vinegar.
Manipulation goes both ways, and women are also good at being sweet to get something they want. You know this man, figure out what approach will best serve you and your child. If it's an iron fist and cutting him off completely, he can't be watching your child at night while you work. If it's sucking up your pride and going with a softer approach so you don't completely anyalate his ego, it doesn't matter if it gets the intended outcome and saves you and your child the headaches and damage of fights. You're right in what your doing, but maybe you could alter the approach. Some men are not that smart. Out smart him. Figure out something that works for you.