Am I Raising My Child Properly?

Look. since you're both here, why don't the two of you just TALK ABOUT THIS?

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/1323892263469973505

:(

Is this for real? YOU know you are not raising your child right. NO child can be wrapped in a bubble and set free at 18 and know what to do in life. You are cheating this child from life events, relationships with others, social activity with friends.

You need to see a counselor and Dr. pretty fast and shape up because if you don't your ex has grounds that you are unfit and can sure you for custody. Someone has to do the right thing here and give this child a chance at a normal life... if that is not you... let ex raise him.

Not to be cruel but if I was the father I would sue you for custody. You need some serious help and I wish you would get it. Your son is going to be a basket case if you raise him this way.

Please get some serious help ... not from a PCP. You need a good psychiatrist.

It doesn't sound like you're doing it in any sort of sane fashion.
See a doctor.
You know what you're feeling isn't normal.
Whether it's PPD or you're not on your anxiety meds you will be a better mother when you are not so obsessive.

Oh, and if you're a troll writing both sides of the story/saga/drama - go away.

You want a serious answer?
You're not fit to raise a child.
Give the child to his father (have him pick him up - you shouldn't even have a drivers license) and check yourself into a mental facility.

Not wanting to be away from your baby is normal but most of us manage to deal with it.
Your anxiety and paranoia are out of control. You need to be in therapy. If you are getting your meds from a regular doctor I HIGHLY suggest you start seeing a psychiatrist. What you are describing is not normal and is hurting your son and everyone around you.

We heard from the daddy yesterday.

You need to address your mental health issues immediately or you risk losing custody of your son. What you are doing is not healthy for you, your son or the daddy.

Should the father decide to pursue custody, I think he stands a very good chance of winning. Especially if he can prove that your mental illness is preventing your son to thrive.

You need to see a specialist. A PCP is not a specialist. You need a psychiatrist immediately, today!

FYI - the father should be the one caring for his son when you go to grandpa's funeral. He is the FATHER!!!

You are not going to like the outcome when this goes to court and I hope the father does take you to court. Get Help NOW

What the heck, I'll bite, because maybe it will help someone. Here's the bottom line: Your child WILL have a life without you being there 24/7. It is not good for you or him to never ever leave him or feel like you must be there or something. Keeping him in the house prevents him from building the social and physical skills he needs to be a well-adjusted human being. This is not about his safety. This is about your own mental health. Protective is one thing, but you are being more protective than my sister with her preemie. I'm glad you are thinking "Hrm. Maybe I need more help than I thought." That is a good first step.

You and the father will always be connected, so you need to figure that out. You don't need to be in love or in a relationship. My DH certainly doesn't love his exwife. But he raised their kids with her (coparenting) because that is right for THE KIDS. With her, he tried to keep it business professional. She was his business partner in the job of raising two children. If you and he can't agree on things specifically, then lay out the question of in or out of a relationship, get paternity, and get the ball rolling (perhaps through mediation) so that you and he know what day(s) and time(s) each of you will see your child, what is whose responsibility, etc. You don't have to like him to to need to work with him. Not working with him would be detrimental to your child. Pick the battles that actually mean something. Separate how you feel about the father as a romantic partner with who he is as your child's father. He's legit that leaving the baby with an aunt is a slap in the face if he, the father, is available to care for his son. You need to consider him as the primary option at times like that. You need to see him as a capable adult. Maybe if you treated him more like that, he would argue less to see his child. Because he wouldn't have to beg.

Further, you need to not just see your GP. You need to find another resource if you cannot get the help and medication you need for your anxiety and bipolar problems. That is not good for you or the baby long term if you are not healthy in all ways. *****If you have not already, discuss with someone, the GP, the pediatrician, your own psychiatrist, the possibility of post partum depression as well.******

You say you are "only" going to give him 2 days. Well, you need to speak to the court about that. Or he can. To be honest, you need to not see the child as a pawn or an object. No one "owns" him. HE deserves time with his father, on a regular and consistent basis. He deserves his dad being in his life, his school, at his baseball games, etc. Being a mom means you need to be less selfish and you need to see the big picture. REJOICE that the father cares! My cousin's child's father just said, "Nah, not interested. Tough luck." Nevermind if you and the dad don't get along. You are punishing YOUR CHILD if you withhold visitation. So to get back to "are you raising your child right?" if you keep this path, then no.

I've been a stepparent for 11 years and a mom for 6 and I guarantee you that continuing to focus on how much you hate your child's father will hurt your child the most. Your baby is half of him, and half of you, no matter what you think about each other. So go vent to a friend, but don't not allow your son his father's love or bash half of who he is. Be the bigger person, BECAUSE you love your son.

ETA: If you don't let someone learn to be a parent, then they'll never prove what they can do. Same with kids and allowing them to surprise you with what they are capable of. Nobody is going to do everything exactly like you, not even your aunt. So let them do it their way as long as the job (like diapering) is done and the baby is safe and happy. My DD loves doing active things with her dad and quieter things with me. We balance each other.

You made me anxious just reading this. Assuming this is real, you need serious help. You are going to make your son afraid of everything in the world. You say that his dad is a great guy. Either you start letting him spend time with his son or he'll wise up and go after custody and then you'll have the courts telling you when/if you're allowed to see your son.

You haven't wasted anyone's time. Sometimes the actual truth is hard to swallow whether it be from total strangers or a certified doctor. You need serious help.

My grandson's mother sounds like you. Nothing was ever right and no one could do anything without her being there to control the situation. It got so that she wound up in the mental hospital for several days for extensive treatment. Grandson spent time with father at dad's home. My son had a home built in a very good area of town and he had all the trappings of a kid the ipad, cell phone, computer, clothes, meals and friends. At her home he didn't have much just a place to put his head when he visited. Yes, father has the physical custody and he sees his mom every other week or so and this has been going on the kid's entire life. This is his last year of school (senior) and when he completes the year he will be able to decide if he wants to spend any more time with his mom. He only goes to see her out of "obligation" otherwise he would stay at home with his dad and his friends he has. Her mental issues have rubbed off on him in some areas. I didn't get to spend quality grandparent time with him because she tried to talk to him in such a way that he wouldn't like being with his grandparents. He hates for us to leave him when we do leave after a visit. So now you go figure that one out and he is 16 soon to be 17.

Mental illness has come to the fore over the last 30 years and people do get help for their issues. Please I urge you to find a way to fix you so that you can enjoy your son or you will be the one with the visitation and possibly with a third person to make sure you don't do something that would harm your child. Also ask about post partum syndrome and get help for that as you are over the top.

The truth is the truth and no one in the world is always going to be hearts and flowers with their responses. You are a mother now and you have to put your big girl panties on and live and learn and grow as you go for you and your child.

My son has copies of all the medical issues of the mom and that is how he was able to get physical custody.

I wish you much luck in getting you back together. Please do keep us informed of your progress. We are not meanies we are just moms with a bit more experience.

the other S.

We all read the other side of this story from the father, and gave what we thought was reasonable advice.

This level of anxiety, if it is real, is terrible. The last place your child should be is in a car with someone this stressed out, so send the baby with your mother but not with you behind the wheel. You only have a little medication but you triple the dosage and blame the father? Your anxiety is not under control at all.

No, a child is not going to do well at all with someone making sure no one drops a phone on him. A child will not do well with someone who holds him for ransom until she can get along with his father.

You both need more help than we can give here. You need better help with your anxiety and better management of your prescription - get away from your PCP and get to a specialist. And get into a parenting class (separately or together0 so you can learn how resilient kids are and what sorts of stimulation and experiences they need. Otherwise your child is guaranteed to grow up to be anxious and fearful of others, as you are. Many new moms are nervous but this is way over the top, unhealthy, and uncalled for. There is help available but you have to seek it out.

Have you had a FULL physical and hormonal panel done since you had your baby? It is imperative that you get one scheduled.

You need to tell an adult how you are feeling. Whomever you fell safest with besides the baby's father. Please, please let then know you need help.

I have no doubt that your PCP refused your Rx for Xanax. I bet s/he told you to follow up with a mental health professional. You absolutely need to.

Where is the closest mental health center? They will have day programs that you can attend, at the minimal, daily or a few times weekly, so that you can still take care if your baby at least until the medications are dosaged correctly and symptoms are easily managed.

Your gut told you something isn't right and you loved your child enough to reach out here. Now love your child enough to listen to your gut and reach out to professional live help.

It will get better when you reach out.

Best of luck to you

I think the child's father needs to try to get custody of him. Your child will have one hell of a life, if you continue acting as you do. You may love him, but that is not enough. Go find a different doctor, and a counselor.

You really do write just like "Scott" does so it's a little hard to believe this isn't a troll but:

M. - This is VERY unhealthy for your son. Your son's father is as important to him as you are.

He is only a baby now, but listen very closely - WHEN YOUR SON IS A TEEN HE WILL REALLY NEED HIS DAD. More than he will need you at that point. You MUST nurture a good relationship between them.

You don't say how old your baby is, and it is normal for mothers to feel protective of their babies. And if he is very teeny, then it's understandable that you worry about a male knowing how to take care of him.

But you MUST allow your son's father to have time with him, and allow him to learn how to take care of him. He can certainly change diapers.

Your son NEEDS a dad. You are lucky that your son's dad wants to be in the picture.

Yes, you will harm your son in the long term if you keep this up. And it sounds like you need to get the proper medication to deal with your anxiety or bipolar tendencies.

Let your son's father be involved NOW, or I promise you, you will regret it in 10 or 15 years.

These are issues that will hinder your child's development and relationships with people, especially his father.
I also have Bipolar disorder and you are doing everyone in your life a great disservice by not taking your meds and getting the help you need. PEOPLE DIE FROM THIS DISEASE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

What do you want us to say? That you have the right to keep your child from everyone, including his own father? You need help, and now, or you will harm your child through your efforts. THAT is what will happen if you keep doing what you are doing.

People like you make me so angry, and give those of us living/working/coping with this disease a bad name. I have worked so hard to make a normal life for my kids, living with this disease is not easy but you can live a pretty normal life if you accept the fact that you need help, and then get that help.

But if you want to just sit there thinking that your meds won't help you, and you want to blame your symptoms on just one person (which would mean you didn't actually have this disease), then go right ahead. Know you are hurting a lot of people with your decisions and if you can live with yourself knowing that, I feel very sorry for you.

edit #2
If you get the right help, you will come back someday and read this and wonder how you could have been living any kind of normal life with these symptoms. Don't delete it, keep it up here so you can see how much progress you've made after being on the right meds and getting the proper therapy. If you need more specific advice on where to go to get treated, you can message me here and I can help you.

You need to print this out, take it to your PCP or even your baby's pediatrician, and let them know that you need real help, today. Or show your mom. You need real medication and real therapy, ASAP. You are writing like someone on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

I have a friend who had a history of depression and anxiety before she got pregnant, which turned into full-blown post-partum psychosis when her son was a few months old. She self-medicated with alcohol and street drugs because her prescription medication was not the right stuff for her to be taking and pushed her over the edge. She "accidentally" overdosed two or three times. She lost her career, her house, her husband, her savings, her health, her dignity, and most importantly, custody of her son. Luckily, she found a doctor who put together the pieces and could see what was going on. She did an intensive inpatient mental health program, they got her medications right, she did a lot of outpatient treatment, and she got her life back - shared custody of her son, her career, her friends, and recently got engaged to a good guy.

What you are going through isn't normal or healthy. If you don't get help for yourself, you will very likely not retain custody of your child. Do this for him, do it for you. Life is too short and too beautiful to be a prisoner to your own irrational thoughts and feelings. Your baby needs you to be healthy. You are not.

You need a new doctor, and you need to get help. Anxiety is crushing. And yes, if you do not let your child experience the world, that is NOT healthy. You need to get healthy. The more you take care of yourself and get back on track, the healthier EVERYTHING will become. It's ok to feel your feelings, but you KNOW that your feelings are "off" because of the anxiety, so you need help getting them back to normal/stable.

One thing is clear - you and your child's father love him with all your hearts. As the child of MULTIPLE divorces, the BEST thing you can do is to get help, find a way to forgive the dad, and build a relationship - even if it's just friends. Peace, love and respect are seriously the best things for kids. Do your best to find them. Get whatever help you need.

Wow - you're stressing me out so much in your post that I feel like I need a Xanax after reading it.

I feel sorry for you. I feel MORE sorry for your child. I feel sorry for the father of this child and the grandparents of this child. The only one I don't feel sorry for is your mother.

You need a new doctor. You need counseling. You need an attitude adjustment. You need to change your stripes before you destroy your kid. And before you end up going postal.

Do I mean what I say? YES. I'm not being snippish or facetious. There's only one other poster I've seen here who has this much hatred in her heart for her ex and her ex's mother. She writes here ridiculous stuff fussing about any and everything they do. If he doesn't see her daughter, it's a crime. If he does, she bitches to high heaven about something. The grandmother takes the child to the hospital because she falls or something, and she's crazy. She doesn't take the child to the doctor, and she's a monster. I'm telling you - the amount of vitriol that spews from her fingers online is enough to shock even the most sensible person and MP has deleted many of her questions over it.

Is that the way YOU are going to be? People here telling you that you are overboard, are you going to ignore them? Delete your question because you think everyone thinking you're a troll is just negative? Walk away from NORMAL people who have BETTER lives than you because you don't want to hear how lucky you are that this man actually buys ANYTHING for your child, regardless of how awful you treat him (he sings to the baby and you can't stand it???? HOLY MACKERAL.)

I don't have much hope for you that you'll listen to anyone here. And it's a real shame. You might have decided that you wasted everyone's time, and that's really true if you fail to take anyone's advice to GO GET HELP. I don't know how old you are, but you certainly weren't old enough to have a baby. Right now you're USING your child against the world. That is NOT being a good mother. Using your child to hurt others is a terrible way to mother.

Go find another doctor who will find you some help. SHOW him or her what you wrote here. Heck, show him or her what I wrote. I hope you open your eyes to the possibility that life for your child will absolutely SUCK if you don't.

To answer your question "are you raising your kid properly." When I saw that I said to myself, that a very subjective quesiton...but after reading your post I would say No, you are not raising your child properly.

You need help. Help is out there. Having a 4 month old is overwhelming but you would benefit from talking to someone so they could guide you and help you with all the anxiety you're creating in your head. Slow down, go day by day and ENJOY your child! If you hate your babies father, it's like hating 1/2 of your baby....and your baby will pick up on that. Don't do that to him. Your child depends on how you and his father behave. I'm a divorced mother of two so I know. Your child will benefit tremendously on how his parents treat eachother!

Good Luck, give yourself a break and take one day at a time! You don't have to figure everything out now....things will develop naturally!

S.

First it is a big step for you to have the ability to see how you are behaving and wanting to know what is right.

Second, in your favor is your son's age (4 months, not 2 years). There is a twisted part of me that thinks being over protective at this age before the child can speak for himself is wired in mothers.

The father does need to bond with his son. Your baby is past the 3 month stage and I think you need to work on YOUR control issue. You do not OWN your son. When your son is about 15 months he will go through a stage and only wants 2 or 3 very close adults. Dropping him off will be hard and you will need another person to be in his inner circle. Please do not make your son fatherless by refusing to let him bond with his dad.

I know moms who refused to let others drive their child, until they had more than one and needed to be 2 places at the same time. Now it is not a huge deal for he to let other drive her children.

no. if you're for real, you're smothering and stifling your child and on the track to make him even more neurotic and unrealistic than you.
i suggest you give custody to the father and work on your issues until you are mentally healthy enough to parent effectively.
khairete
S.

You are not doing ok. A child is not a possession, he is a person. How much time your child spends with his dad should in no way depend on how his dad gets along with you. That is highly manipulative and simply wrong. YOU don't get to decide how much time your baby's father spends with him. A judge will decide what is in the child's best interests, not what is your best interests. A judge may decide that your child's father is by far the more stable and better parent and give him primary custody and you, limited visitation. You need to work a lot harder with your therapist on becoming more stable and take your medications. This is NOT about YOU or your baby's father. It is about your baby.

There was this boy on my sons baseball team this past spring and his mom reminds me a lot of you. She ended up pulling the kid half way through the season due to one excuse after another. I felt sooo bad for this boy that his moms issues stopped him from playing. He seemed to be having fun but he accepted it so I'm guessing this wasn't the first time he has been yanked from something he wanted to do because of her issues. HE is the one suffering. Now they are moving closer to a hospital because he apparently has some medical issues, once again never showed any signs of athsma during the games and this kid would run around just fine. She is crazy, everyone I talk to that has had her son in sports before will tell you she is bat sh*t crazy and that they feel bad for her son. Your son will suffer if you do not learn to let things go. You will hinder his childhood, so to honestly answer your question you are NOT raising your child properly. I also get nervous if my kids are going somewhere with friends but I will not tell them that they cannot do things because of my fears. Please find a way to get your anxiety under control or I would say that your son would be better off with his father. (that might be harsh but its true) PS. sounds like your babys father was on here yesterday asking a similar question and everyone was basically telling him to seek custody. Get some professional help please.

Get a new doctor and get the medication you need. If you don't your son's father may sue for custody of your son and win.

M

I'm not a trained counselor, however you really sound like you are on the edge of a breakdown. I think you yourself can feel that you aren't thinking clearly right now. The issue is not whether you are raising your child properly, it's whether your mind is functioning properly, and I think you know in your heart that the answer is no.

Please contact a licensed therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist IMMEDIATELY and start getting help. If you used Xanax regularly before your pregnancy and it worked (helped you to think clearly and be emotionally stable), the chances are that you need to be back on the same dose as before. Go find someone who is trained in mental health issues and get back on a proper dose. Then think about how you are raising your son. Good luck!

You and the daddy write the exact same way. Weird.

I just realized I didn't answer your question. NO you are NOT raising your child properly.

ETA2 - don't get pissy when someone tells you their opinion - especially when you tell people "I am interested to see how other mothers feel about this. Feel free to say whatever you feel is appropriate." Come to grips with the fact you NEED HELP. People are telling you YOU NEED HELP!!!

ETA: I knew this sounded familiar...damn. if you are real - get help. Find a mental health facility TODAY.

welcome to mamapedia...

I'm sorry. you need help. I don't know if you are a troll or not. But I do know that you need SERIOUS help.

Please check yourself into a mental facility. Have your son's father take care of him while you get the help you need.

It's NOT normal to want your child to yourself.
Your son deserves time with his dad and his family. You are using your child as a weapon against his dad for things. It's wrong.

You need STRONG meds.
you need STRONG DAILY therapy.

I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear. But it's what you NEED to hear. You have SERIOUS mental health issues. If you don't get them fixed or under control - you will LOSE YOUR SON and mess your son up for life. DO you REALLY want that for him? IF this is for real and you are not a troll - you NEED to acknowledge you have mental health problems and get fixed/treatment. TODAY!

I think you know the answer to your question. You aren't a safe person right now. Let someone who's mentally stable take care of your baby while you get help. I'm not being mean- it's what's best for you and your baby. He didn't ask to be born and your most important job now is to keep him safe. Please get help.

Hey Mama, I am glad you reached out. Please go get professional help, I would start by making an appointment with the doctor who gave you the bipolar meds. Your son needs you to be psychologically fit. Please get treatment for his sake and yours. You can do this Mama! You are clearly suffering and your son will suffer too if you don't take care of this.
Blessings

Yes, what Gamma G said, you need to see a GOOD psychiatrist, not a PCP. Please also get yourself into see a therapist. You can't change the world around you, you need to work on the only thing you CAN work on, yourself. I mean this in the nicest of ways, to be honest with you, you're not in a good state mental-health wise. I'm not judging you, I feel for you because I can see how incredibly stressed out you are. And that is NOT good for your child. If you don't take care of yourself and your own mental health (which means ACCEPTING and GETTING help managing your anxiety and bipolar) you won't need to worry about visitation anxiety, because your child's father is going to be given full custody. Please call your PCP and ask for a psychiatrist referral today.

Please don't feel like you are wasting people's time. They could stop reading if they wanted to. I am not a mental health professional and I have not read the other responses, but what you are describing is a severe level of anxiety, and you should see another doctor. From your description your son's father seems caring and wants what is best for his son. This level of anxiety will be damaging to your son. Please get additional help!

M.,

If you truly want to be a good mom, you will get the mental health treatment you need. You truly need help. Ask your PCP for a referral to a psychiatrist so you can be properly evaluated, diagnosed, and treated. Then find a licensed psychologist so that you can receive the psychological treatment you need.

There is help, but you must realize there are no "magic" pills that take your problems and issues away. Getting the right meds in the right dosages may take some time before you see the full benefit. Even then, you will still have work to do on interpersonal issues.

Do you really want to raise your son "right" and be the best mom you can be? Then get the help you need. Your son needs and deserves a mom who is emotionally and psychological stable. Don't wait. If you haven't already, please make that call now. There really is help, and it can make all the difference in your life and your son's life.

I truly wish you and your son the best.

J. F.