Am I Being Unreasonable? - Monocacy Station,PA

It can get frustrating huh? My husband has been deployed twice as well as numerous other schools & such that have kept us apart so with that said here is my input - hope it helps some :-)
Why do your plans have to be put on hold if he takes this class? If your 8 year old is in school & your 3 year old is in daycare 3 D. then go to the Y during those times. Most Y's have childwatch also so take advantage of that. Walk with your kiddos, bicycle together, chase them around - it can be so hard to get motivated, sometimes I am extremely demotivated myself! As far as school goes, if you are attending online then you can usually structure your school time around when the kids are away or asleep. It's hard - I know, I'm currently finishing my degree online as well & am up at about 4 every morning to get in the time needed to do it.
Find it in yourself to stop overdoing it with the friends & neighbors - still be kind & considerate but if asked to go above & beyond just let them know that right now you need to take a season to get yourself back into shape. I'm all for helping other's when I can and sometimes even when I "can't" but if you find that you are draining yourself to the point of not being able to maintain your family & your health then it''s time to step back & refocus.
My schedule is pretty nutso & sometimes seems chaotic, my husband is in training right now (EOD - military) so he is out the door by 4:30 every a.m. and usually doesn't get home until around 6:30, I am in school full time, we have 3 kids & we homeschool so I'm learning new ways all the time to do things more efficiently & get in the excercise that I need (MUST SHED the extra weight from the recent baby!). If I can be of any help just message me :-) it will get better!! Mucho blessings.

I'm not sure what class your husband is scheduled to take, but I do know that once something is scheduled in the Army, that's it. He can't just say "oh, I decided it would be better if I did it next month", b/c that would be disobeying his orders to go. If it's in writing that he's going, he has the dates and all that, he has ORDERS to go. He can't just re-schedule. That's just the Army for you! So in that case, you need to cut your losses and roll with the punches. That's what we Army wives just have to do. Also, from the sound of it, I don't think he decided to go now. It sounds like whatever packet he turned in was kicked around for awhile and now they got around to submitting it. My husband has been supposed to go to school for a 3 wk course here at Ft Hood since November LOL It just keeps getting pushed back. Not his fault at all, that's just how the Army works. I just want to make sure you see that your husband may not have as much control over this as you think. I'm sure he is just as frustrated as you are at not being able to go when he had wanted to. I'm sure he doesn't want to leave you without a means of transportation, but the Army life is one in which you make all your plans in pencil b/c everything is subject to change. I've been an Army wife almost 8 yrs now, and I honestly don't believe ANYTHING is going to happen until it actually does! I think the sooner you realize this, the less stressed you will get when things don't go as planned.
Hang in there, and if you'd like, you can message me privately on here.

Wow, you sound like you have sooo much on your plate! First, I just want to thank you and your husband for your hubby's service to our country. That is a huge sacrifice for your whole family---thank you. Secondly, I do think your hubby needs to step up and offer to change his class schedule so you can do this for you. You need to feel good about yourself and your body---you have taken a backseat to everyone else for way too long. Its time to take care of you--otherwise you won't be any good to anyone if you are a wreck yourself. Tell your hubby he needs to help you out and list the things you have done if you have to. Best wishes.

M

It sounds to me like your best bet might be taking control of your own time. I have learned that being a SAHM we need to stop being angry with our spouses and blaming them for how their schedules affect us and instead take control of our own lives.

That said, you said that your daughter goes to daycare 3 days/wk for four hours, and I assume your son is in full day school. So why not study when your daughter is in school, and bring the kids to the Y with you when you work out. They'll get to play with friends or maybe take a class of their own while you work out instead of a separate library time or tumbling tots?

Perhaps you could get some help with the house keeping? Of course, the day to day will still be up to you, but you have an 8 yr old. How about some chores so he can earn an allowance or just learn to help out around the house?

So my advice is, stop blaming your husband. Take control of your own time. Make yourself a priority. Your three year old already goes to school and has fun with friends. Your son has basketball. Now it's YOUR turn. You have time "off" you just need to focus on what's most important - is it school? Is it weight loss & exercise? Is it cleaning the house? Maybe it's a different thing different days of the week?

Prioritize your life. Then figure out a schedule. Then go to your husband and say, "Dear, I appreciate that you have to go to work - be it class, day to day or being deployed. That's just our reality. But I can't do it alone here. We need to get me some help if I'm going to be able to take care of myself, the kids, the house and you. Here's what I need...."

The reality is that SAHMs usually don't get a lot of help nor have an unlimited budget to pay for the help and programs they'd like....school's not free, neither is the Y, neither is a cleaning lady...

So figure out what's MOST important and make the changes in your life. You are the owner of the "family schedule". If YOU choose that library time is more important that your time at the Y, don't blame anyone else. If and when your husband is home/around to help out, take him up on it. Maybe "Sundays" can be your time to do as you like - run errands, lunch with a friend, a class at the Y, while HE is on Daddy-duty.

You can do it Mama!

the life of a military wife.
I'm sorry.

my brother is military.
often they don't THINK or consider at all. not that he is being malicious or intentionally selfish, they are just trained to get a job done and DO. Just programed to have this end-goal and DO IT. It's so hard on the wife and family because usually their goals, needs and dreams are never considered or met because of this issue. It takes a VERY patient and strong person to stand by a military person. And this is why divorce rates are so high in the military! I really applaud you for being there this far.

You are not being unreasonable.

You have put yourself second as part of your job for a long time. But who's keeping score? You have the right to think about yourself, your future, your health, your IDENTITY.

Unfortunately I don't know your husband but my guess is that being military, he'll go and take that class anyway. (I know my brother would). And not to say he's a jerk, because I know my brother and he's the nicest and most generous man I know- however he isnt the most sensitive to his wife.

Is there a chance you could schedule more daycare so you can take those classes? Or sign up for a bootcamp during daycare hours? Or you could begin running and training for a 10k (which is how I lost a ton of weight) while your kids are in school?

I know that this requires you being "second" AGAIN. and that is frustrating as all hell.

story of my life.
my husband travels a lot for his job.

but you can be second but still put yourself first!
xoxo

It's best to sacrafice now because it will pay off for your future. Young marriages with children are HARD. BUT you have to hang in there. Your husband is working for your future retirement, you are holding down the fort so he can do this. You are a team. Kids grow up and move out at 18 and you will have plenty of life left to enjoy.
Get some exercise S. and get your health back on track while hubby is working and making the money. These years go so fast, you will blink and find yourself being 50 very soon. Don't wait for something to happen, make something happen. There are lots of exercise shows on TV, put on your sweats and channel surf.... If you do one hour of exercise shows a day you will FEEL so much better about EVERYthing. Just try it.

ok not to sound harsh but , you married a military man, plans change ALL THE TIME. You are SOOO lucky you've only moved 4 times in 6 yrs. by the time my daughter was 4 she'd lived in 6 states. Not by choice let me tell ya.
Suck it up be a woman!
Get your drivers license and get him to rent a car or see about getting approved for flights to Bragg.
With the way budgets are going these days it's likely the class won't be available to him at a later date.
I get me time after the kids are asleep. Try it it's fun.

I am not sure how your plans would be put on hold. You say you 'only' managed 60 hours of college on top of all that. I have to say this, that is awesome all that you do! So...if hubby won't budge it sounds like you can still accomplish things (since we see you accomplish a lot and you still don't feel like you do enough), so babysitters and more babysitters might have to be temporarily implemented. Or less of the other caretaking stuff and designate yourself as caretaker of you. Is there babysitting at the YMCA? (not sure how many times you need this but of course they would have lists of babysitters if they don't inhouse). Can you get someone into the house to corral your three year old while you do your online courses or sign them up for a brief interlude at a local daycare? There are so many ways you will be able to fulfill your dreams, it's just being a little creative. Sometimes men just don't get the whole picture. Especially if your husband is away a lot anyway you will be spending a lot of time being a CEO in your own home, it's when he gets back things might be juggled a bit. I guess you have to think of this 4 week class kind of like another deployment. You would have to and have figured out lots in that case for a long time. Congratulations on all you have done so far! You can do it!

Why do your plans have to be put on hold while he takes the class? I don't mean to sound harsh but you could still carry on with your plans while he is gone. It might mean more juggling but it can be done. You could see if other military wives are willing to pitch in such as having your kids over for a play date while you either do exercise program or keep your appt with the therapist. Maybe extend your daughter's day care time so you get a bit more free time during the day. Also it is ok the let household chores go to the back burner to get in more study time or such.
Also I noticed that you mentioned basketball practice and tumbling tots. You could use that time to study while you wait for those activities to end. Or if you are on friendly terms with other parents in those activities see if carpooling to and from will give you more time to fit in your plans.
Maybe look into scheduling your household chores such as washing clothes, cleaning certain rooms on certain days and so on. For example my kids have chore days. Mon,Wed and Fri they help by sorting clothes and taking them to the laundry room. They clean their rooms on opposite days. They also help with dishes,trash,picking up around the house and so on. Your son is old enough to help out around the house. Even your daughter can start helping you by picking up toys and such. Yes even at 3 yrs old. For her I would make it a game though.
It will take more juggling but it can be done even if it seems like it can't be.
Just so you know I'm an Air Force wife and have been for almost 16 yrs now.
I also wanted to touch on you say he can take the class at any time. That could be true but maybe his supervisor is pushing him to take the class now. It could be they want him certified now with that class so they can push his career further along. I know my husband has a supervisor who wants him to better himself so he pushes him to take certain classes and do certain volunteer work sooner rather than later. Yes it means I have to juggle some things but I know it will pay off in the long run.
Adding a bit since I read your update. The transportation issue can be handled just as well. Can't your husband get a rental car to use while at the class? My husband has done that on his various tdys over the years. Also check to see if anyone else is going to the same class and see if he can ride with them. Or see if anyone has an extra car you could use while he is gone. I know sounds odd but military family tend to be very helpful if they know someone needs the help. I know not easy to ask but worth a shot.

Just remember the saying " If mama ain't happy no one is happy" it's so true you have to take care of yourself first. Could your husband go and take the class and you stay home? As far as school goes why not enroll full time. The longer you drag things out the less likely you are to finish it because something will always come up. Yes you should support your husband, but not at the cost of losing yourself. Kids grow up and move away, husbands sometimes stray or other things. You build a life for your family but also for yourself. Good luck and best wishes on your endevors.

It sounds like things have been difficult for you, spending so much time alone and moving so frequently. But I guess if I were you, I would probably just endure the 4 weeks and try to take small steps towards my own goals (It does sound like you are trying to do a whole lot at one time.) Recognize and reward all your small steps. Start researching healthy eating and cooking, change your diet, start an at home exercise campaign, take the kids for long walks, take one on line classes. If at all possible, keep your appt with the family therapist. When your husband comes home in 4 weeks, you can show off how much you've changed your lifestyle while he was gone! Good luck and hang in there

Why does he need to take your only car? What about a one-way rental that would get him TO NC, or carpooling or any other option vs stranding you with no transportation and young children. How will you get them to the doctor, to the grocery store, etc? That seems very selfish and unsafe.

S.,
I comend you for being so motivated to change your life however, you need to make some priorities because you are doing too much! From your post you say you want to do the following:
1. Lose weight/exercise
2. Go to school
3. See a therapist about your issues
4. Keep house (cooking, cleaning, washing)
5. Helping others
6. Be there for your kids (homework, taking them to classes)
7. Be a supportive wife
8. Getting your license
You need to make some tough choices and pick 3-4 things that are most important to you and focus on those. You say you want to go to school to set an example but being focused and dedicated to the 3-4 things you choose also sets an example for your kids. Teach them that you can't have everything you want, right now, but that you have plan, a timeline, if you will, for how you will accomplish everything EVENTUALLY. Marriage is about making compromises but also about looking at the bigger picture. For instance, do you want to continue to be a SAHM after your husband returns? If so, wouldn't his class help his career? Make sure you don't lose sight of the sacrifices that your husband has made for you. I"m sure you'll see that both of you have made a lot of sacrificed for each other. That's marriage and that's love. Lastly, remember the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" well since you don't have transportation, then perhaps you can keep your daughter at home. Preschool isn't a necessity and you can do just as much playing/teaching at home. Also, no transportation means no classes for the kids so can they play basketball at home, practice their tumbling at home for the time being? Again, its a sacrifice and these involve the kids, it's okay for them to learn to sacrifice their "wants" for their "needs". If you were to play with the kids outside or even in the home, playing tag, going for a walk, dancing, etc. whatever physical game you like, wouldn't that give you more excercise throughout the day? Also, since you have a computer you can log on to Fit TV where they have free fitness classes. I hope I'm not coming off as unsupportive to your situation but I just want to express that in my opinion you need to simplify your life and you'll reap rewards. Take care and God bless.