Grandma Feeds My Daughter Junk Food

How often is this happening?
Does she babysit every day or does she keep her overnight 4 times per year?
I would be able to give an opinion if I knew that information.

I urge you to let go of the need to control what Grandma feeds your daughter. I suggest that when you stop making this an issue she will be able to follow your lead. I suggest that your effort is feeding into her food issues. The complex dynamic is unconscious for both of you.

Your daughter will follow the food concepts she learns at home. You are her primary teacher. By making food so important at grandma's you are falling into the behavior that causes eating disorders.

Continue with good eating habits at home. Do not talk about what happens at Grandmas with your child. She is too young to understand anyway. By focusing on what she eats there you are making what she eats a control issue. You want your daughter to like what you feed her because it's good food and not because you're right and Grandma is wrong.

Also consider how awkward it is to require her to eat differently than everyone else. Yes, provide healthy snacks for everyone but do not make it an issue.

I give our grandma a lot of slack. the grandma loves the grandkids and does things diferent than I do. that is OK.. once the child is old enough for school.. you do nto have total control over food as there are snacks.. parties and school lunches.

I would not stress about this.. YOU are that number one influence on your daughter and her food and eating.. feed her healthy stuff when she is with you.. (most of the time).. but when she goes to grandmas.. let grandma feed her cookies..watch tv and stay up late.. that is what grandmas are for..

I can understand your concerns but I question whether your mil is "sneaking" your daughter unhealthy food or if she does that simply because that is what's "normal" for her. She most likely doesn't even think about it which makes me think she's not doing it to undermine you or to be mean. I am a person that always tries to put myself in the other's persons shoes and consider things from their perspective so here's my flip side of what she may be thinking. Just like you wonder why they don't respect you more and make things that are more health conscience when your family visits, they may be considering why you don't make things that are less healthy when they come to visit. Do you serve things they would enjoy or do you serve what you feel is appropriate? More than likely you're not serving brownies and hamburgers because that's who you are and what you believe in the same way that they probably serve, fried chicken nuggets and french fries along with ice cream and donuts when you visit because that's what they believe. You can't change someone else. I would not talk with your mil because you're only going to make her feel bad no matter how you say it. No one wants to have an eating disorder. No one wants to be obese. As someone who is overweight and doesn't want to be, I'd be very offended if you said something to me about what I serve or what I eat. Eating disorders in my opinion present more of a challenge than drug addiction (my opinion since I've never had a drug addiction) but at least they can commit to never doing drugs again. People with eating disorders need to eat only they usually don't have a "sponsor" to guide them or teach them how to eat more healthfully unless they have a significant amount of money to pay for a personal trainer/dietitian which most people do not. I think your best option would be to focus on your child. Teach her what she should be eating and what she should not be eating. Go further by explaining to her why she shouldn't eat certain things and what their effect will be on her health. I would have given anything to have someone like you in my life when I was growing up to teach me about healthy eating. I didn't... and I am the way that I am and I'm struggling to learn otherwise. Teach her now so that when she goes to grandma's she can tell her that she doesn't want to eat that or she can suggest better, healthier options. Grandma will take it much better coming from her and most likely be more responsive than if it came from you. It's a tough situation... good luck and best wishes.

How much time does your daughter spend with your MIL? If she just goes for a visit once a week I would simply count that as treat day. Nothing sneaky. I am a firm believer in moderation, and that eating junk food once a week with grandma isn't going to hurt if she generally eats a balanced diet. Make sure that your daughter understands that when she goes to grandmas she eats treats, but it is not healthy to eat that way all of the time. If your daughter goes to MIL's house everyday for childcare, then you may want to be concerned and set boundaries. I would rather have an involved grandma who spoils my child once in while than not have an involved grandma.

Your 5 year feels caught in the middle. She loves you both but her relationship with her G. is more precious and fun-filled. Let it stay that way. You may be creating an atmosphere where daughter will lie to you about what she really eats. At least now they are honest enough to return the uneaten food rather than toss it.

How often is she with Grandma? My mom fed us healthy foods, and healthy snacks but when we were at our grandparents they spoiled us with tons of junk (which was how they ate all the time). My brother and I LOVED it of course. It did not leave us with eating disorders and I am a healthy eater as an adult. Personally, I think you are worrying too much and perhaps being a tad too controlling. But it depends on how much your daughter is with them. Once a week...that's fine. 5 days a week....then it's too much junk food.

How often does she see grandma? Is she excited by the junk or no? What does DH think?

I think if my grandkids had to eat kale smoothies and zucchini pancakes I would also sneak them food.

Just kidding but if this happens with grandma occasionally I would say to your daughter This is a treat. It is not an every day thing and let it alone. Your daughter is not going to pick up huge bad eating habits if she has a treat with grandma once in a while. Now if she is your every day sitter and its happening a lot I would say something. But There are different kinds of eating disorders and you can go to far into the healthy thing and make that a disorder as well. So be really careful with the "can't eat that mentality" I am not saying you do that but the concerns can sometimes backfire.

We all threat the kids different and that can be good for them as they see a variety of ways of eating. This grandma gives the grandkids healthy foods and has to hold her tongue because their father feeds them junk food. Of course we know that junk food is not good, but do you know that being so strict on only healthy foods can backfire also? Kids tend to eat the forbidden when away from their parents which happens all too soon.

She gets a majority of her food in the "healthy" category, so I would not worry about grandma's treats.

Fuzzy is right. And what is a CTJ
I learned that most people's bodies if eating healthy for the most part do not really change with this and they pretty well know when it's when. It's the denial of it that can often undermine. I was getting heavy as a teenager and my mother was on me constantly. So, I started making frosting and eating it in the bathroom. Whole thing. Whole bowl. Your daughter is being provided healthily at home. While the in laws might have food issues, if your daughter is given a donut do they then stuff five more down her? You should see kids in the lunchroom. They are given healthy foods and throw those out and buy the 'seconds'-nachos, cookie bars, icecream. And oftentimes they are very thin looking children. I think I'd be angry if my mother in law undermined me. Yes. The food is actually a secondary issue. Someday your daughter will shop for herself. If you are worried about genetics and inheriting the fat disorder, you will not be there to pull those cookies out of her mouth. TRUST YOUR DAUGHTER to eat right. You taught her well.

I would find a balance. I hear often how my SD's cousins are so restricted on food (their mom is a health nut to the point of being nutty) that they act out in other ways.

So talk to Grandma. "MIL, the other day DD said she ate three doughnuts while she was with you. I realize you are Grandma and want to treat her, but could you (insert thing here - treat her with a non-food item, like a sheet of stickers, or treat her with just one doughnut) instead? We try to keep her sugar and junk food limited and that's why I send her with the snacks I do. I want her to have a relationship with her only Grandma, but I am hurt when you don't seem to care about her health."

If you see the below responses as not being kind or respectful, it is because many posters might believe - as I do - that YOU are not being kind and respectful!!

You send "whole prepared dinners" along when your daughter visits Grandma (without Grandma requesting that)?! How rude, to behave that way when your daughter is a guest in someone's home!!

Please try being "kind and respectful" to Grandma. I bet she loves your daughter very much. She enjoys giving her treats. Don't worry about it.

Raise your daughter to make her own good choices.

How often is she with Grandma? Once a week? No big deal. Every day? You need to have a CTJ.

We have the same issue in our house. We make sure that our children eat very healthy, and in fact when by themselves choose vegetables over other food. Since we are so healthy at home, and my children make good choices, I don't worry about what their grandma feeds them. One of these days, they will tell her that her food choices are bad, and coming from a kid instead of a daughter-in-law would be less hurtful.

With that, I would continue to be the very healthy mom, and not worry too much about what your kids eat when they are with your M-I-L or S-I-L. Your child will make the right choices and you won't have to worry about it.

Same here. We eat VERY healthy and there is no one overweight in our family.

Grandma is a problem (about junk food) and with them a lot. I actually had to give her a gram limit for sugar. We eat basically NO processed sugar. And she thought chocolate milk was OK because it advertised no high fructose corn syrup. Um, no. She loves nothing more than to give dessert because the kids are thrilled.

I got real specific. Real foods. A fruit? Fine. A veggie? Fine. And even then we mostly do organic but you can only push so much. I just got tired of the sugar fest that they'd have with her all the time. We see her a lot. I totally relate to this post and wish you luck. Stay strong and don't back down. Everywhere you look there are overweight kids and adults. Slacking off even a bit can lead there...so keep up the kale smoothies and the healthy living for your children's sake and yours. You are doing great!

(And no, you don't have to give kids junk fearing one day they'll leave the nest and gorge on only junk. Kids learn healthy eating habits at home. If they eat GOOD, HEALTHY food as kids, that will stick. My husband and I both crave and want what mom served. His was a bit more unhealthy than mine, but nether were bad.) As an adult I do not eat junk food and it was not a real part of our lives as kids, thankfully. And all I have to do is look at overweight relatives and I'll reach for the kale every time.

Grandmom is not sneaking food and a little bit of treats every now and then are fine for kids, especially one who eat healthfully at home.
1 doughnut is not going to make your child fat, nor will one soda every now and then.
I believe that you should let Grandmom be Grandmom while at home you eat more healthfully. An Occasional treat does not lead to Obesity, yet control around and over food could!

First of all, your MIL is showing absolutely no respect for you - I would sit down with her and explain what your expectations are. If she continues to disrespect your wishes, then definitely restrict your daughters' visits.

Now, having said that.... my sister was like you - very restrictive with food and sugar, etc., so much so that her children ended up sneaking and stealing food when visiting others. I totally get you wanting your child to be healthy, but could you possibly be taking it to the extreme and setting your child up for disaster? We eat fast food maybe once a month and have treats periodically and my kids are very healthy, thin and happy. I believe moderation is the answer!!

Just my opinion.....

Good luck!!

We have been living this on both sides of the family for 13 years now. It is very frustrating and I feel your pain.

I do think there is a balance to be had. As others asked, I'm not sure if she spends every day or just once in a while with grandma. If just once in a while, I would still deal with it, but it may not be as crucial as it would be if she were there every day.

I would sort of prime the pump when I dropped off, like "thanks so much for understanding how important healthy foods are in our family, it really shows us how much you love x!" This helped a little, it was like starting out with the assumption that they care so much about our kid that they are wanting to support the healthy diets without being confrontational. But it wasn't perfect, junk food still existed and exists.

One other thing that we discovered was that this was a way to teach our daughter self control. I would let her know what might be acceptable to have- one donut or one piece of candy, but not both. She will face these choices later on anyway at friends houses, etc., so it's a good skill to have.

We tried it several different ways with both grandmas, and found that the best thing to do was to get our daughter to understand healthy limits. We would reward her at home for not over-indulging, with a new toy or something. We tried harsh words with the grandmas, nice talk, everything. It goes to the saying that you can't change other people, just yourself (or in this case- your kid!).

If it really does continue to bother you and you are not okay with even a little sweets (and you have good reason, with the hereditary stuff), then you may have to limit grandma's time. And tell her so, being nice, of course. Let her know that you realize she may associate the sweets and junk food with love and making your kid happy, but that it is not okay with you and you'd like to help her find other ways to accomplish this. But that if the junk food continues, she won't be able to spend as much time with your kid. It's okay for you to say that you'd like to support her in making changes, but that the way it is now is just unacceptable.

The thing that makes me the most angry, with my parents in particular, is that they have significant health issues because of how they eat. They have struggled so much, so I wonder why on earth they would want this for my daughter instead of doing the exact opposite so she doesn't have to go through what they do. It is so frustrating!

Good luck!

Honey, I hear you! Been there. It's not about the food. It's a slap at you and a complete disrespect of your parenting. If she won't serve a meal you bought and prepared but bought garbage instead it's a passive aggressive slam at you. She disagrees with you. If you are right then the way she eats which has led her to be over weight, must be wrong. So, you are wrong. I could not take the power struggles over this. I am the mom. Period. If my child is not supposed to eat red dye because it affects him my mother does not get to decide I'm wrong and feed him red dye. But she kept doing it. She no longer gets unsupervised time alone with my LO. It's not about "food". It is a larger issue of disrespect. It also made my LO confused. I love grandma. Is she right and mommy is wrong? I threw down an ultimatum. She did not respect what I believe, I believe is best for my child. She still sees LO but not alone or over night. I know many moms here don't understand but I always make an analogy between other choices. If we were kosher or vegan I would expect that followed. I don't think it would matter. Respect is respect. Ultimatum time my dear!!! Good luck!

i love how healthily you feed your family. i wish i had been wiser to the dangers of processed sugar throughout my years of child-raising, both for me and my kids.
i think there's a happy medium to be reached here. i understand that you are okay with a treat, but feel disrespected by grandma's disregard of the food you prefer your daughter to eat.
but it sounds as if thus far you HAVEN'T discussed it with your MIL. you are not at all 'certain that grandma knows better' if you haven't sat down with her, one on one and face to face (no texts! no emails!) and had a courteous, loving conversation with her. it does NOT have to be confrontational, and i'd certainly hesitate to assume that she's being passive/aggressive. she's got her own lifelong eating habits, so it's a bit much to assume that she just knows what you want because you send healthy food with your daughter. she may well just assume you're being courteous and frugal, and think she's doing a good thing by returning all that food to you, saving you money.
please don't limit your child's time with her grandmother. that is so very precious, and worth far more than a few doughnuts. especially when this is so very fixable.
'martha, periwinkle LOVES her days with you, and it makes me beyond happy to see the relationship you two have. what a blessing. she always looks forward to getting to spend time at your house, with her grandma. you probably know that thaddeus and i have made a commitment to raising our family with healthy eating habits, and we do our best to keep processed foods and added sugars out of our family meals and snacks. i think it's nice for periwinkle to get a treat with grandma now and then, but i hope you'll help us out in keeping it to a very occasional event. i don't want her to associate her wonderful times with grandma with being only about food treats, ya know what i mean? i want her to spend her visits with you just enjoying you. so please, help a girl out and go easy on the doughnuts.'
khairete
S.

Well, you're certainly NOT going to change grandma. And as a grandma myself I want to say don't take it personally that she gives your daughter these treats. She DOES NOT mean to disrespect you; she's just being a grandma and indulging her grandchild.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but if she's old enough, I say talk to HER and explain to HER why you have the rules in place re food that you do. Make it HER responsibility to say no thank you.

I knew my in laws give a giant bag of candy to each of their grandchildren for their bdays. Right before my oldest turned 1, I talked to MIL & let her know I didn't think that was the best idea for my kids. She said they could NOT give him anything & I said that was their choice. They ended up giving him a big bag of mini oranges & he was thrilled. (A few did end up being used as balls temporarily.) They have given both of my kids small toys since then.
I had more trouble with my mom because even after discussing my expectations with her, she'd sneak(I know for a fact that was what she was doing, but your mil may not be) my oldest child extra goodies he wasn't allowed to have while I was in the bathroom, etc. I told her if she couldn't respect the health decisions I'd made for my child, we'd only be able to visit on holidays (we have treats on holidays anyway). Things got better after that.
My gmas were mostly over doing it on candy though. Their regular food consumption was pretty healthy. I agree with some of the others that you need to talk to your kid. My oldest is 5, & he's smart enough to understand. As you make things at home, let your kids help & explain why you eat them & how they are good for you. My son likes to eat food that makes him strong & my daughter (2) loves anything she thinks will make her hair prettier. If your kid eats something like donuts at gmas, I'd also explain when it's mentioned, that that food is ok once in a while, but not good for you (fattening, greasy, whatever). Don't make it about gma though. Kids will get the point on their own. Good luck!

Balance, and get your HUSBAND on board since it's his mom. If he doesn't really care, then it's going to be harder. If he agrees, then you know you have support.

Also, talk to your child - again, it's about balance. Your daughter needs to understand food. It will help her make better choices. If she "gets it", it's easier to say no. And who knows, maybe she'll be an inspiration for MIL. Fast food places sometimes have a slightly better choice - if the in laws aren't the greatest cooks, they may just go out of their way when you visit, but when it's "regular home time", they take the easy way out. So if you know where they go, look at the menu and help your daughter pick the healthier stuff. Tell daughter she can have whatever # of treats at grandma's. Have hubby reinforce food decisions with his mom.

You need to understand that spoiling is grandparent "love", and that you can't really control them. If your daughter understands food, then she will learn not to sneak. The behavior is only inherited if it's learned while living there - if she is living with you, then that shouldn't be an issue, especially if she understands healthy eating.