MIL Using a Double Standard

I would split the battle. Nix the candy but let the naps go. If it's only a 'now and then' basis, she won't do any harm by letting her stay up. Grandma's house is supposed to be a fun place. Give her a list of approved snacks (could be she just doesn't know that there are ok alternatives to candy) like fruit snacks, granola bars, etc. so she can feel like she is giving 'no-no' treats. That's what grandmas do sometimes and she likes to do it...don't take it away completely.

These are lessons I've learned after 3 kids. My mom sticks to my rules, but I don't ask her to refrain from being a 'spoiling grandma'!

~L.

I dont have a local grandparent to babysit.. but I do have sitters that I pay.. I dont worry about what the sitters do if it is only an occasional sitter. One day off schedule eating junk is not a big deal. If I go back to work and have a sitter fulltime then we will have to keep the kids on a schedule eating healthy food.

Grandmas are supposed to feed the kid junk and let them stay up late... grandmas are fun.

Hi W.,

Is MY mother-in-law babysitting for your daughter?? My MIL was feeding my kids sugar-loaded choking hazards since before they had teeth...gummy bears and M&Ms being the two most common!

In my case, and possibly yours, I think the total disregard for our wishes is a combination of Grandma wanting to spoil the kids, but also sending a passive-aggressive message that she doesn't want to be the babysitter. We don't EVER ask my MIL to babysit anymore. We wait for her to offer (and yet she still loads them up on candy and skips naps). If our MILs did everything the way we wanted them to, they'd be the perfect babysitters, and they'd be free to boot. By blatantly going against our wishes, they're ensuring that they'll remain our last-resort babysitter, and that's how they want it.

It's not that they don't love our kids, they just can't handle them, don't have the energy for them, or they figure they already raised their kids and they just don't feel like being responsible for ours (even if it's just a couple hours).

Good luck. If I knew of any effective method other than limiting the visits with her, I'd share the secret. Unfortunately we've tried everything to no avail :)

A.

What is she thinking giving all that candy to a 2 year old??? You need to know that your daughter is being fed by her caregiver, regardless of that person's relationship to you. Would you allow anyone else to give your child candy instead of breakfast and lunch? I understand that it is the grandparent's 'job' to spoil their grandchildren so yor MIL will not treat your daughter the same as her own kids BUT.. she need to make sure your daughter eats her meals before giving her candy and really... candy to a 2 year old??!!?? Put your foot down. It's great that they have fun and it's OK for your daughter to forego a nap now and then but the amount of suger MIL is pumping into her isn't healthy. Follow up with your husband and discuss what he should say to his mother and help him phrase it in a non-threatening way.

Good luck

I think you can find a happy medium. When I think back to my own childhood some of my favorite memories with my grandparents involve staying up too late and eating too much candy! She's a grandma -- that's what they do. If it's once in a while, I'd say let her just be a grandma and stop taking the fun out of it by being too fixated on how much candy she's eating.

If it's something where she's watching her once a week or more that's different, set ground rules and tell her she can take your daughter overnight when she wants to spoil her with candy and no naps!

Sit down and make a schedule and list of favorite "easy " foods.... Written out neatly.
When you give it to MIL tell her that this is your daughters schedule and since last time she was over and daughter didn't nap or rest your daughter actually got in trouble brcause of it, you would appreciate if she follow the schedule... Oh and here is a can of..... for her lunch. She loves it. There should be enough for both of you....

Be tactful and respectful, but you gotta tell her...

For me, the simple question would be:

Is this person being responsible for the health and well-being of the child she's caring for?

If you deem the answer to be 'yes' then, fine, leave it. If you deem the answer to be 'no' then stop leaving her alone with her grandmother.

There is no special intelligence or magical attributes acquired through having a child give birth, so grandparents are the same flawed human beings as folks the same age who never had children at all. That she has a special place in your daughter's life does NOT mean she is capable of being responsible for her, nor should she be.

My mother-in-law happily lives a great distance away and doesn't identify herself as a grandmother apart from in gooey holiday cards... but the few times that she did spend with my children, she did not do so alone. She spent lots of time visting, none of it unsupervised.

I wouldn't recommend speaking up, and I would never suggest putting your husband into a loyalty war between you and his mother... but I would suggest biting the bullet and paying for appropriate childcare and having the time spent with grandma supervised by you -- without mentioning to mil why it is she's no longer being asked to offer free childcare.

Hi W.,
I agree with Lacy get rid of the candy but don't worry so much on the naps. Whenever I have my family watch my kids I give alot of leeway. It's supposed to be fun at grandma and grandpas. Her reason of not giving a nap because they were having to much fun is great. I would just pack some snacks that you approve of and call it good. If you don't want to give that much leeway I would find a new sitter. But make sure your daughter still has a chance to see her. Make family dinners where everyone is present. That way you can be in charge of her. Plus I don't see it as a double standard because raising her kids was much different than watching your child. She isn't raising her so she can spoil her. Good luck.
Chris

Wendy,
Simply put: rock the boat. It is your MIL but it is also your child. I have put my foot down w/ my own parents in their own home over things. You know the candy isn't good for her or her teeth. Just say you don't want to have to take her into the dentist for fillings yet; therefore no more candy. The quiet time could be a movie you let your MIL pick out to watch.
I don't know, just a couple thoughts. Hope they help.