Advice on How to Interact with Mother of Child's Friend

Everything's relative- I agree with Denise. She probably does feel busy. My parents went through a divorce recently and they were emotionally overwhelmed, ALL the time. My Dad is single and lives alone, and he often says, "I've been pretty busy." My best friend is single, no kids, lives alone, has no job, and just goes to school, part time. When she complains about being 'busy', I think... Oh, please!!! But to her, she IS busy. It's all relative.

I get what you're saying, but you probably just have to suck it up.

It's all relative, isn't it? I think I'd just act uninterested when she talks about how busy she is. What else can you do? Certainly not worth being unpleasant over.

That would annoyme too. I really hate people who complain how busy they are under any circumstance. I would probably get in a snarky line or 2. Something like-"Wow-I wish I were busy getting a facial!" Say it in all sweetness. Or "I should be so lucky to be busy like you" right after she tells you about somewhere fun she is going.

Wow. You'd be surprised. I work PT and have O. child and I often find myself saying that after a play date when thanking the other mom. See....the thing IS, we're ALL busy. I keep a very clean house and I relish a few uninterrupted hours to tackle a big project or something. Don't we all? Just because "her busy" isn't "your busy" doesn't mean she isn't!

I would think maybe you could be more empathetic...her "busy" may be her excuse, for not being more sociable with you, or for not "dealing" with things like the house. You are NOT walking in her shoes, I am Guessing she is VERY depressed...do you know what depression does? It takes away your energy, you don't have the energy to clean your house because you want just want to stay in bed and not face the day, and then guess what? You feel GUILT, horrible guilt, for not being a better parent, or not having a cleaner house...I say her "busy talk" is probably just a lot of talk...because more people are not understanding...or are just plain unforgiving, hateful and judgmental...

I don't think there is anything that you could say that wouldn't be taken the wrong way.

I hear you - she's annoying. Just smile and nod your head.

She was laid off. She's in the middle of a divorce. And her kid's friend's mom raises her eyebrows at how her house just isn't, um....tidy enough, despite the cleaning lady.

Give her a break. Unless you know first-hand about being simultaneously unemployed, divorcing and seeing your kid who's always lived with you going out the door to dad's (surely a painful new arrangement for mom) -- then you haven't walked in her shoes through her untidy house. I agree with the person who said she may well be very depressed and putting on a brave, busy face that's not real. Working out and getting a facial may be the last vestiges of the normal life she was leading when she was employed and married, and she may be hanging onto that to keep herself from feeling utterly overwhelmed. Unless you're inside her head and heart, you can't be sure. Clearly she doesn't know you well enough to trust you with the real story or she wouldn't revert to "I'm busy." The truth could be that she's trying to make everyone, including herself, think she is indeed busy, when she is desperately at loose ends.

"Busy" is a state of mind, not a measurement or a comparison. And "busy" becomes a habit, something to say, something expected almost. When we are stressed, we might feel more "busy", when we are depressed, having time does not mean we get chores done.

Others' lives can seem easy looking from the outside in, but we never know what they are like from their side.

At times in the last several years, I've worked full-time or part-time and/or had a private coaching practice, been a full-time or part-time graduate student, been a parent to a young daughter and stepparent to teenagers, worked out a little or a lot, had a house to take care of or not. Sometimes I felt "busy", as in pushed to my limits, disorganized, and sometimes I have not.

i understand your irritation. everything's relative, though. i get really caught up sometimes in how busy i am and how much trouble i have fitting stuff into my life- until i remember that i used to work 3 jobs, homeschool and ride 3-4 times per week!
boggles my mind now.
she's probably just a disorganized twit like me.
:) khairete
S.

No, you CANNOT say 'that's great you're busy with fun stuff' without sounding bitter, or worse, patronizing.

Just change the subject as often as needed.

And btw, it's up to YOU as well, how 'you spend your days'. I know it doesn't FEEL like it, but you DO have choices, we ALL do.

:)

I understand how annoying that can be. I had a good friend who had no kids and worked 35 hours a week. She had nothing else going on- no school, hobby classes, volunteering etc. It got old to hear how busy she was all the time. Maybe it was just because she had such a bad attitude about it. That being said, this lady doesn't know you very well and is probably just trying to make conversation, and of course we can all relate to being busy! I think your best bet is just to nicely say, "I know how that can be! We are all very busy!" with a smile on your face and then change the subject. Saying anything else will just put her on the defensive.

Well yah, it is irritating huh?
She is busy, because she is busy doing her things, while her child is away a lot.

But this is her issue.
I can understand how it seems, from your perspective and your life.

If you do call her on it... well, be prepared for a backlash.
I am sure, she will not, take it too kindly.

It is irritating, because, to outsiders, she takes a LOT of time for herself... not her kid, and still complains about being "so busy..."

You don't have to like her life or her complaints.
Your kid and her kid are friends.
You don't have to be cozy with her too.

I don't know her... so can't toss in 2 cents there BUT:

As a mum who has "done it all" (full time work, full time home, part time work, in school, and every combo of the above)...

I can tell you I've been at my absolute BUSIEST and most exhausted as a SAHM. (Not true for everyone, of course, just true for me). Working full time (days) was SUPER easy. Oh my goodness, I can't even say how easy it was. Wake up, morning madness over in 30 minutes, out the door, drop kiddo off... and nothing but "me" time for an hour (commute), work, then another 30 minutes of me time (break), work, another whole hour of me time (lunch) then, wait for it ANOTHER break so 30 minutes of me time, and then a whole hour of me time commuting home. I could easily run errands to and from work or at lunch, make phone calls, work half a day to go to the doctor. Then I picked my son up and got "best" time (snuggles and dinner and giggling in the bath and stories and bed)... and wait for it... more ME time!!! Granted, 'trapped at the house' me time... but I'd just spent all day only responsible for MYSELF and out and about as needed so home was relaxing. Since I was only home for dinner and sleep and weekends my house was IMMACULATE. So easy to do when no one is there in the daytime! I didn't tend to do a lot of social things when working FT because I got a ton of social interaction at work and not a lot of time with my son... so my time with him was purely with HIM. Someone else was doing all the daily grind / heavy lifting with him, so I got to be 'best loved mom', instead of this person I'm sick of from having been with all day and whose put me in 4 timeouts and told me I can't watch a movie/eat brownies for lunch/jump off the roof. Occasionally I'd arrange sitting and go out, but it was quite rare. Maybe once a month tops for a few hours.

Being a SAHM, otoh, I find to be *exhausting*. I have a bare minimum of a 14 hour day with NO breaks, NO commutes to relax to, NO time to 'stop off' for something and have it take 3 minutes instead of 20+ plus meltdowns if there's too much sensory overload. I am completely responsible for him every single waking moment. During the 4 hours a day, 4 days a week he was in preschool... those days were split up into clean the house day, personal time day, run around and do errands day, meet up with friends/or make phone calls day. IN A WHOLE WEEK I got as much personal time as I did in 1 day working. ANY time I wanted even half an hour to myself I had to arrange for someone else to be with him. I spent MUCH more time arranging sitters so I could go out with adults and speak in full sentences. When he was in preschool I only didn't "have him" 16 hours a week. When I was working FT it was 50.

Now... I personally LIKE being a SAHM better than being a FTWM, but for me... about a 1000x busier doing the stay at home thing than the working thing.

I think the word "busy" has different meanings to us all. Her "busy" doesn't come anywhere near your "busy" but for her it's still "busy". I knew someone like that, very annoying. Would go on and on about how busy her life was as if it was such a hardship. Maybe she is looking for validation, kudos on doing such a good job, or maybe she just likes to talk nonsense. Whatever the case just smile, listen and mentally make your grocery list.

we have someone in our family like that. She is always busy busy busy, like no one else is!!! Basically you can do two things - just ignore her and let her talk, because she is talking so she can hear herself say how important she is. Or you can tell her yes we are all busy moms aren't we, so aren't you glad summer is here, blah blah blah
If steering the conversation in a different direction doesn't work, I'd just say sorry I have to go.

Before my dear mother passed away, when she was still healthy, she always talked about how she wanted to do volunteer work - at the church, at the hospital, etc. But she always used to the excuse that she was "too busy". Too busy doing what? She was retired from work. My dad passed away a few years before. She had many many friends but lived alone. She spent most of her days out and about shopping. She was forever going to Costco, the mall, wherever - anything that got her out of the house and gave her the opportunity to shop. She did not NEED any of the things she bought. I think deep down she had the markings of a shopping addiction. She kept buying more and more shoes, purses, coats, anything that struck her fancy, almost like in a desperate attempt to fulfill some void inside herself. She never wanted to be home by herself. And yet she continued to say that "someday" she wanted to do volunteer work in some fashion when "she had the time". She had all the time in world, but she chose to spend that time shopping and buying more and more stuff that was not needed. To me it seemed she did it as a way to distract herself rather than to totally deal with the emptiness she must have felt after losing my dad and us growing up and moving out on our own. So my guess is that your neighbor is compensating in some way, and is possibly trying to keep herself "busy" as a way to distract herself from the fact that she does not have a job and she is going through a divorce. Really, I don't think there is really anything you can say - it's her psychological issue, and I think pointing it out to her will only make her defensive. Unless you feel comfortable suggesting that maybe she needs to talk things over with a therapist when she talks about how sad she feels, or ask her if she's been looking for work, but that could totally backfire. Otherwise, bite your tongue. I can understand your annoyance, but it's not up to any of us to judge anyone else.

Just be quiet and know you're better than she is.

I would just ask her next time she says something. I mean say straight out: "oh really, did you get a job?" and when she says no then say something like, oh, then it seems like you would have enough time to shop/errands/whatever so I was just wondering what you were doing that takes up all your time?" Then she will either feel stupid when she can't come up with something that looks like she's busy, or she will list off 100 things you don't know about and either way you will have your answer so you don't have to worry about it anymore!

This woman should be giving you a break, between gym trips / while her house is being cleaned.

I don't think you should judge her time based on your standards. I understand viewing from the outside it might appear she has free time, but that's not for you to determine. All the info you posted about that stuff is just info not related to any problem.

If you think she is nice, then ignore or listen to her "vent"
If you don't like to hear her "vent", stay away from her
If you think her daughter is bad company, then don't let your daughter play with her
If you think the girls enjoy each other company and the M. needs a friend, be that friend, limit your conversations and move on with your life.

.

Return your own story a few times, like, "I know, with my job, it's so hard to get those things done too. I hate to complain about it though since everyone is so strapped for time these days...."

If she doesn't GET IT, you may have to pull the, "I know, I know, you're soo busy, and this is such a hard time for you, but I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but I'm a little jealous of your schedule since I never get to do the fun stuff and I'm equally busy, so it's hard to feel you're busier than me when you often mention it".

Tone is EVERYTHING, you have to be super sweet almost like you're apologizing for being jealous because if you're the least bit snippy about it, she'll just peg you for jealous and she's not even aware she's complaining so much. This is RISKY though, people don't like to be told honest things lots of the time. But if she's a nice person who really didn't mean to be doing it, she may stop.

I had to do this with my best friend recently. He was always one upping my tales of being busy and bitching when I wasn't available enough on the phone (oversensitive gay man with no job and no kids) and I finally has to say, "I'm BUSIER THAN YOU! I'm home alone with three kids and dealing with a huge administrative financial hassle for my traveling husband, please stop trying to say you're busier than me!!!!!!!!" but we've been friends for 20 years and I can be blunt with him. You'll have to weigh your risk and try to be friendly, or just live with the comments.

I know you've received several comments -- hopefully some are helpful! =) I'm a pretty honest person. so I thought I share my 2 cents worth. I would (and have in the past) make a comment about how one person's busy isn't the same as another's. Or I would say that you are perfectly happy to help her grocery shop alone (sincerely =)) because you know how it is to not have time to yourself. I'd just start making some comments about how she IS receiving help and try to focus on what she does have. You don't have to be rude about it (and it doesn't sound like you would be)...just do a little comparison so this lady doesn't start thinking she has it so bad. From the sounds of it, she could fall into that trap pretty easy. Take the high road and continue to do what you think is best for all! =)

You might just said, with no emotion "Please don't mention it." And when she says thanks again, just say, "I know you really appreciate it, because you say you are very busy, but I would appreciate it if you would just let it go." And smile. I'll bet she doesn't mention it again.

Hi P.,

I think your comment, thats great your busy with fun stuff! Sounds good to me! Sweet and simple, too the point-perfect!

m

Well maybe she says this so that you will take her daughter and is thanking you. Trying to make you feel good about yourself thing. I can see it bothers you. Its not a big thing though but I feel bad for the daughter because she might not be getting the quality time with her mom. I saw a movie last night and I remember the saying. You have choices I have have toos. You have have toos, like working full time etc from the outside it looks like she has choices. But then again we cannot see in her window so we really do not know what she has inside and what her have toos really are.

Well, what is wrong with someone putting herself first?