Getting a Divorce

July 20, 2009 you had a step son, not step daughter? Just wondering?

I like to go back and read all the old questions before I answer.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/16641202624372211713

Is the house his? California is a community property state. Why does your ex have your son so much of the time? I'd see another lawyer. This one is not working for you.
You should if sharing time have your son some weekends. The weekends you are free call friends and make dates for breakfast or go to movies. Take a class in something you always wanted to learn. Go to swim class or aerobic swim classes for the exercise. In other words busy yourself. If you can go back to work. Before doing so get legal advise. If you cannot find work your ex- may have to support your for a year or two.
Limited alimony.

i'm sorry to hear this.

1. This sounds like the on-set of depression. Go to your primary care physician and get some medication to help you with your anxiety.

a. This is a GREAT time to get stuff done!!! I LOVE it when my boys are in school!! YAHOO!! Make a list of things you want to get done/accomplish - then start the list. ONE THING AT A TIME.
b. Do your errands - make sure you are doing them in order so you are not zig-zagging across town and wasting your time (again making it seem like you are not getting anything done)

2. California is a community property state. A lawyer asked YOU to move out?! I think you need a new lawyer.
a. if you are a stay at home mom and will need to get a job - your husband should be paying alimony or something to help you get back your feet since HE wanted this divorce.

3. NEVER EVER stay married for the children. It's the WORST thing you can do!!! You are doing the RIGHT thing....however, you NEED to know that it's for the right reasons....just because you aren't happy isn't a reason to get a divorce - IN MY OPINION.

A marriage is like a garden - it MUST be tended to EVERY DAY. If you don't - weeds will grow. My parents used to tell me 'marriage is a full time job that you don't get paid for the rewards don't come for many years down the road'. It seems today that many people are seeking that 'fairy tell' marriage and get divorced when "they aren't happy" or some other reason.

Whatever problems the two of you have - will not go away just because you got a divorce. The problems MUST be dealt with. You have a child together - you will have to learn how to communicate with him regarding his care, schooling, etc.

I strongly suggest that you BOTH go to marriage counseling so that you can communicate EFFECTIVELY AND RESPECTFULLY with each other regarding the care of your son.

I'm also trying to figure out why your husband is given soooooo much time with your son - while I do NOT condone using children as a pawn or a means to an end in a divorce (as they are the ones getting the short end of the stick EVERY TIME), it's interesting to hear that the split is the way it is. MOST lawyers and family TRY to give the kids some consistency and continuity (again getting the short end of the stick) in time - that's why it's usually one day a week and every other weekend, etc. So the child isn't flopped back and forth like a pawn.

bottom line - make sure the divorce is happening for the right reasons - not because one or both of you are not happy - that could be because you two have not focused on your marriage and made your marriage your priority. Even divorced you will have to learn how to communicate. Get to marriage counseling NOW.

It does get better eventually. You do need some support through this, though. A counselor, support group, or Life Coach would be helpful. There are coaches who specialize in dealing with the transition of divorce. Coaches focus on the positive more so than counselors. It seems that you've been through quite a long period of life that has not helped your self-esteem and independence. Please reach out. Help can be found - google, then pick up the phone.

i know you already got your answers, just thought i'd pipe in anyway! :)
first off, i'm so sorry for the divorce, geez, how hurtful & expensive! :(
i left my ex last july...doing okay i guess now, but i still have a hard time pretty much on a daily basis being a single mom and even a hard time when my son goes w/his daddy, he just turned 2. the whole thing's just hard. the time w/friends, alone time, etc., is good, but i think just the overall passage of time has helped heal me. i still very much miss our good times & the "family unit", but i have accepted this is just how it's gonna be. :( i wish for your strength in this situation for you & your son and your patience to know it will get better, but it will take time.
as for what to do when your boy's gone, well, i pretty much catch up on sleep & housework. no fun i know, but that's the only time i have to do it. that or errands. blah, blah. sorry. hopefully court visitation orders can change so your son can be in ONE place 95% of the time. that back & forth is hard on everyone but especially your little boy. my ex & i did that at first but i soon put my foot down and said no more! he's got to have some stability especially since his family just broke up, y'know? either way, good luck sweetie. i'm sorry... :(

I agree with DVMMOM - I would get a qualified counselor to help me sort through the entire situation, and to be a sounding board for the life circumstances that lead to this point. Unresolved issues tend to crop up over and over in our lives (JMO).

I would also interview several qualified attorneys. If it were me I would not leave the home until I had specific legal advice on the ramifications of doing so.

Good luck.

I don't have much advice, except a question. Have you and your husband been to marriage counseling? Is there any way your marriage could be saved? Would your husband agree to try marriage counseling if you haven't tried it already? Best wishes.

It does get easier, there are better days ahead. Do not move out. Stay in the marital home if there's any way you can. You said your son goes to his dad's, so dad must have moved out and that is better for you - I'm not sure why you need to move. Are you guys planning on joint custody? Right now, do the best you can to keep busy when your son is at his dad's. Save things to do when he is gone. If you're thinking about wrapping presents or going shopping or anything, just say to yourself, I'll do that when he's at his dad's. Sign up for a community class that is scheduled for when he's at his dad's - anything, aerobics, computers, basket weaving - just somewhere for you to go. Some fabric and craft stores offer free classes. Start a project - a quilt, painting a room - again anything that you can look forward to working on when your son is gone. When you have your son, spend as much time as you can enjoying him. Take him to the park, to the zoo, to a mommy and me class. My heart goes out to you when your son is so little. I'm sorry this is happening but you can get through it and there is light at the end of the tunnel

I am going through a very similar situation right now. Only no ex or step children involved. I am not sure how I can help you cope only to say I am a product of divorced parents. The first time they talked about it (at least from my memory) I was in the 2nd grade. They didn't actually do it until I was 16. I basically grew up with two parents who argued a lot and were not very affectionate twords one another. I know my mom stayed because she thought it would be better for us to have two parents but I disagree. I feel like it would have been better to grow up with parents who were happy and could show us how to have a loving relationship. This is why I asked for my divorce when my son was just over a year. I felt there was no reason to prolong the inevitible (sp?). It is hard to be away from my son sometimes, sometimes it's nice to have me time to go to the gym, shopping, therapy, ect. The most important thing to me is that my son does not have to see his parents arguing (let's face it, as much as we try to hide it they know.)
Good luck with everything.

I know it's hard; it's like starting your life all over again. You need to get out there with friends and have lunch or just visit. You could also do some volunteering which would get you out of the house and help you to make new friends. Also, try the Parents Without Partners group in your area. They always have fun activities that you can go to with your little one when you have him and without him when you don't. Good luck! It will get better. Like everything new, you just need time to adjust.

It's easier to leave before the child can remember too much. My child still had lots of anger and remembers how his dad acted when I left him and felt sorry for him and took it all out on me when I was trying to get him away from all the negativity and bad habits he had. I had tried and tried for years and finally had enough. I waited until he got older because I didn't want to be without him being so young. I was very sad when he would leave but got through it. I have a younger son now and if my husband and I ever separated I would also feel like you do. I hope you have a good friend to help you through this. Maybe your child will be happier spending quality time with dad now that he has his attention and forced to take care of him. Maybe dad will realize how much work it is and realize he should have been helping out. Good luck to you.

Sorry to hear that you're going through something like this. As I was reading your post, it brought back memories. I was planning my divorce when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I thought maybe after our 2nd child was born things would get better, umm...not at all. I told my husband to leave when our son was 1 yrs old. We went through the court for visitation and it was definitely hard when they left to be with their father. I was really sad for a while, but I kept myself busy till they were dropped off to me. It gave me some alone time, I got some things done. It is definitely hard in the beginning. I can't say when it gets better...but eventually it will.

Going through a divorce is one difficult, complicated path to go on...keep your head up and just keep praying. :)

If you need to vent...don't hesitate to send me a message. Take care.

Looking back, you have posted many times about getting a divorce, seeking advice, problems with your husband, problems with your stepdaughter, etc. If you have not already, I would strongly suggest you seek help from a therapist or other professional. I don't mean this in a bad way, just that with everything you've had going on, this seems like the best advice I can give you. Good luck, I hope things start to get better for you soon...