Advice on Friends with Bratty Kids

I am always in the same situation being a military spouse. I have run into a lot of families that have, what I would call out of control, kids. I at first said that my kids would not play with them because of how they act and their chose of words at times. I soon began to see that it is not always the kids fault that they act that way. They are usually just doing what mom and dad are doing and how they are acting. So I have told my kids that if they want to act like that then every time they act out something more gets taken away from them. As long as I act the way I want my kids to act they will do the same. They know right from wrong because I have taught them that. They know to respect others including their peers because I do the same in front of them. My kids know when it is time to stay away from the other kids. If they really start to get out of control they stop playing with them. Hope this was some help to you.

If you like your friends, but you don't like their kids, then try to schedule "adult" events with them and leave the kids at home with a sitter. That way you can continue to remain friends with them without stepping into territory regarding their childrens' behavior. If your friends ask specifically for your advice about parenting or request for advice regarding their children, then you are free to offer your two cents. However, I would not recommend that you offer unsolicited advice. Every parent has their own way of handling their children and every child is different. Just imagine if they came knocking on your door telling you that you need to be less strict with your children. Would you like it? Try and consider all your options before you offer parenting advice. They might find it offensive.

I feel for you. I recently ended a 30-year friendship due to a similar situation. One of my daughters got along fabulously with my friend's daughter but my youngest daughter did not. My friend's daughter treated my youngest very poorly plus she is a rude spoiled brat anyway. My friend and I discussed the problem several times and there would be apologies all around. Then something else would happen. We tried just maintaining our friendship and not involving our daughters but that is rather difficult when you're both single and personal time is limited. As couples maybe you all would have better luck at something like that. I will say that I think it was helpful to us that we had such a long standing friendship and were able to be very honest and open about the problem and how we felt towards each other's kids sometimes. Still in the end the friendship did not survive... mostly because her solution seemed to be lying to and manipulating me in order for her daugther to get things her way which was par for the course around her house.

Wow did this one get a response!! Many of us have been there!

I wouldn't say anything. You will look high and mighty and NO ONE likes their parenting skills being challenged. You relationship w/ your friends will never be the same.

I would try and plan adult only get-togethers and maybe give each other some space. I wouldn't worry about how they are raising their kids....they are going to pay the price for that. Just reaffirm your kids those behaviors are not OK and plan more adult outings.

Good Luck

I probably wouldn't say anything. We all have our own views on child-rearing. I know my sister and I have different views about our own kids.

Maybe the best idea would be to plan some adult-only time together. Get some babysitters and go out as couples, instead of getting together as families. Truthfully, you'd probably enjoy that more anyway, and it would give you all something to look forward to.

Your job is to raise your kids and your kids only. You enforce your rules for your children only. You have no business worrying yourself over your friends' children. That's their problem---keep out of it! There is nothing unfair about having different rules in different families. If you have to correct your children in front of theirs (where all children are misbehaving but only yours are being reprimanded), you tell your children that it does not matter what anyone else does or how they are disciplined---your children follow your rules, Period. What anyone else does is not a factor.

Hi Amber,

Ok this is probably going to be a shock to you, but I have to tell you this to keep your sanity!

This is what you should try to do.

First off, if they are in your home, and thier children are acting that way (especially if you don't want your children to act that way) Set an example. If the parent doesn't disapline them, then you do it i.e. " This is not acceptable behavior in my home, and I will not allow it" then tell thier child to get into the corner. If they (the parents) ask you why you did that, then just be honest. Tell them that "it is not fair to your children to be punished for that and not thier children, so because you will not enforce rules, I have to". Sometimes you just have to be really blunt for someone to realize that they are not doing something right.

I have a friend and her and I have been really close for 2 years. She has a 2 year old and a 5 year old. The 5 yr old is horrible at times (typical for a 5 yr old) and he hits his brother, throws fits, screams at his mother etc. etc. I will not tolerate that in my house, and I will not tolerate a child telling thier parent "NO". So even when I am at her house, I correct him and punish him when he does his behavioral things.

Now wether the mother disaplines him when I am not around, I don't know, but if she won't do it, I DO. She has never said anything to me about it either. She knows the rules of my home and when I am around, and now the child will learn. He no longer does those horrible things when I am around.

I know it sounds horrible. But sometimes you have to step in and show that you don't approve of that behavior. And a lot of times the other parent catches on to it.

Good Luck Hun, Take Care.

K.

I've been in that same situation and it's tough. It seems you either lower your parenting standards while in their presence - or don't spend time with them. My husband and I had some friends like this. After a visit with them we were so aggitated by their parenting we couldn't enjoy our "fun evening." Perhaps you could plan get-togethers with the adults only. I know it's hard but I'm sure it's better than spending your free time with bratty kids. :)

We've had this problem too, and unfortunately it means we have to limit our time with these friends or their child's bad behaviors rub off on ours. Generally speaking, I don't think we've ever said much to our friends about it, because at the end of the day they- not us -are the only parents to their child. It's also unfortunate because dh and I agree that the longer the parents to nothing about their child, the more out of control their child will get. It will not get better over time because this child will learn, has already learned actually, that there are no consequences for his/her actions. Unless M. and daddy provide a united front in raising and disciplining their child now, there's going to be way more out of control issues to deal with a few years down the line. But again, it's not our place, so we must do our best with our own children and simply limit the exposure they have to others with attitudes and behaviors not as good as their own.

Uh huh... been there. Fortunately, the one friend that I have... HAD, doesn't live in the same town. But I just stopped talking to them all together. I couldn't take it! It bothered me so much that aside from not wanting my kids around it, I lost ALL respect for them as parents! I have NO respect for ANY parent that cannot tell their kid "no".

I suppose the only advice is to get together for a "couples" night, but not w/ the kids. If the question is brought up, hmmm... guess you'd be forced to say something like "I like you and your children, but we parent very differently. My kids have picked up some things that we do not want them doing/saying."

I don't know. Sorry I'm not much help...

AND KUDOS TO YOU FOR NOT LETTING YOUR KIDS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING!

Maybe by saying something, we'll spread the word that it is actually OKAY to tell your kids "no."

Good luck!
~K.

First I want to say that it is totally up to you as to what your children are exposed to. Then second, saying nothing will only frustrate you more, but by saying something i assure you you will no longer be friends. So, you have to decide if you want your friendship to end nasty or nice. If you keep turning down "family" times and encourage "adult" times, they will hopefully put up on that. If your friends bring it up, just as nice as possible tell them what you do want your kids exposed to.....that leaves it in there ball park to see if their kids fall into that or not. This is a tough situation, but you do want to do what's best for your children and if they see it or not, having no rules or consequences if they break them is not best for the children. Good luck!

I have been there with my own family. We told my inlaws that we were not bringing our children to their house ever again as long as one of the younger siblings lived there. She allows them to use and deal drugs out of the home. Another of her sons and his wife made the same announcement and so did the exes of the druggies.

Just a few minutes ago I gave this advice:

If you avoid telling the truth you're teaching your children to lie to get out of sticky situations.

Tell her point blank that her kids are a bad influence and you intend to limit unsupervised contact with the children. The kids play in your presence and you tell her the rules in your house. If she doesn't want to abide by them and won't make her children she'll stop coming around.

I would limit my contact with these kids until your children are old enough to know that some people behave badly and that your children are not allowed to act that way.