One of My Best Friends' Kids Just Aren't Nice!

That's a tough situation. I can understand your position but I also know what it's like to have a "mean" child and have other parents judge you. When my daughter was two, she was MUCH more physical and aggressive than two girls in her every Monday playgroup. My husband and I are loving, loyal friends so we were terribly shocked. It was difficult for us but what made it more difficult was the shuning from our friends - the hints that they were talking about our parenting, the being excluded from get togethers, the clear disgust with our child. We became more easily angry with our daughter because we wanted her to be nicer so that our friends would be kinder to her as well as to us. Eventually, we chose to leave the group because their treatment was equally hurtful.

I can't tell you exactly what to do with your friend but I know I would have appreciated it if my good friends would have approached me in a loving, nonjudgemental way, directly expressed their concerns and offered help. Maybe if they had approached us by saying they were concerned because their child was afraid or distressed and how could we figure this out, we could have preserved our friendship together and with our kids. Sometimes by entering into such a discussion, you can make the relationships better - maybe your friends are perplexed and feel alone in their parenting and a little support from friends would be helpful. You might approach them with "I'm concerned because I hear my daughter say she doesn't want to play with your child. How can we figure this out." Maybe you bring with you to the discussion an arsenal of helpful tools like websites or resources on parenting.

Two wonderful resources my friends and I have shared are www.drsears.com and www.timeouttot.com. I believe Dr. Sears' wife has a blog where she talks about the struggles of parenting and Time Out Tot is a source for how to use time out correctly.

Anyway, I suggest if these people are good friends that it's time to be loving and honest with them. Sooner or later, the stress of dealing with their "mean" children will impact your friendship anyway. The result may be worse than if you had respectfully confronted them and offered support.

If you say something to your friend, you will most likely lose the friendship. Think if she is really a friend you want around. If so, that's OK, just keep your kids out of it. Keep visits with her to moms only.
When she invites you and the kids along be gracious but say you are too busy. After a bunch of that, she'll probably get the hint. You need to keep your kids out of a harmful situation.
It seems that if she was a true friend, she wouldn't want her friends kids to be getting hurt, especially by her own kids.

You should phrase it in a way that does not insult their kids. I had to say this once to my friend whose son is a TERROR and we had to stop hanging around, and she had to stop babysitting for me, because her son was way too bratty.

I said, "'Junior' is allowed to do things my daughter isn't, and it's confusing since I'm super strict, I feel bad having to get her in trouble when she gets home." This actually never happened, but it was already obvious that my daughter wasn't allowed to act that way, so I sort of made myself sound "mean" and implied my daughter was getting in trouble without actually accusing her son of being a bad person. We're still friends, so somehow based on our personalities this approach was OK. Maybe you can morph this somehow into your own speech.

These parents should learn that their kids will lack friends if they aren't raised right. They'll learn later if not now. Don't show your kids that it's a good idea to support bad behavior by keeping and spending time with kids who act badly. You want them to be selective as they grow older. Yes, it's good to teach them self defense up to a point, but you also want to teach them not to accept it.
Good luck!

You r children are more important than your friends, but if you don't try to deal with your friends you are modleing behavior for your children that says just don't deal with it.

Try to talk to them, children are what they see at home so be prepared for backlash. They are doing what they are taught to do. I would take some control if it were in my house and tell all the children that respect for each other is practiced here and there are house rules for your house. This has worked for me lots of times, and the children respond quite well. If they don't I ask the mother to have the child sit next to her (or dad) and if they won't I have asked them to leave. You are to protect your children first and to teach them to submit to mean people as children can carry up through life. I have taken in two children that were hard to control and spent a summer with them. What they crave is respect and boundries. Take some of the emotion out, love is more than being nice to each other. GOod luck, I hope you can work this out and salvage the group. The bad parents already know something is going on. Don't let it go further.

It needs to be addressed with them. You may lose the friendship... as the other poster said.

ALSO... this is a good example to any child... of how to problem solve, of what to do when someone is "mean" to you... or how YOU can be an example to your children & that you will not have anyone mistreat them. It also shows children, of what their Parents will and can do, in certain situations that are not permissible and potentially harmful. It can also show that you trust your children, and it validates their feelings... so that they will "know" in the future, that they can come to you for any problem or anything that is bothering them...it shows them what communicating their "feelings" to their parents are. Nurture this. It is GOOD that your girl told you that she does not want to play with that little girl because she isn't nice to them. GOOD FOR HER! It shows she knows right from wrong. Show respect to your children's feelings.... children need this.... respect for feelings should be reciprocal. It will also show them how to "choose" friends in the future. A life long lesson.... if taught to them early, all the better.

You cannot just leave it up to the kids to defend themselves...even though you teach your children manners & proper behavior...there comes a point whereby the Parent needs to step in and solve the problem. Kids need to "know" this.

I know it's not an easy situation...but I would consider your children first, and your own family values. You cannot always correct other people's kids... and many times, they won't change. So, you need to defend your own children. Also, if it were me, I would not want to "force" my own kids to be around "brats" and mean children, just for the sake of "pleasing" the offending party.

All the best, and good luck,
~Susan

Hi C.:
You do realize, that those two kids that are so mean and nasty,are a product of their parents? You don't know,what goes on behind closed doors. At their young ages, they are only mimicing what they hear at home.Dad and mom most likely fight in front of them,making it easy for them to pick up on the vulgar,or rude language.You aren't going to be able to resolve A thing,as far as their children are concerned.You said yourself, that the parents find it amusing, and refuse to admit that their children are out of line.I would suggest, that you just continue the get-togethers with all the ladies,and forget about subjecting your children to that type of behavior. The best of luck to you.

Hi C., as a parent it is your responsibility to not have your kids around kids that are a bad influence on them, and I am surprised that you have a friends that you hang out with that doesn't share the same values than you do, or they would not allow their children to misbehave. I think you and the other women should say something to her about the behavior of her kids, and let her know that something must change or teir kids will not be allowed to be around yours. J.

Okay I am in a palygroup and we had a little girl the same age as our kids who was the same as these kids you are describing. We had one mom and she sat down and spoke to the parents and let her know that because her daughter was hurting the othere kids we just couldn't hang out unless something changed. The mom wasn't upset she understood that it was a saftey issue and started to chnge. It took about 3 monthes but now we have yet to have an incident and she is a lovely little girl.

Try leaving the kids at home and maybe one or two moms go to her house or meet at a coffee shop and lay it out to her. I have a feeling she may not react the way my friend did. but Lay it out to her and tell her that you can't just continue on the way you are. It has to be about the saftey of the other kids. and if she doesn't change and doesn't want to change her kids behavior then she is someone you don't want to be around!!!! THINK SAFTEY FOR YOUR CHILDREN